All that is about to change.

Job

Satan! Beelzebub-a-ding-dong! Long time no see.

Where the hell you been, girl?

Uh, I thought you were on missions.

Oh, just been wandering around the Earth. Chillin'.

So, uh, did you by any chance notice my homeboy, Job?

Um, God?

He's one of my all-time favorites. The dude fears me and shuns you.

Yeah, yeah, he's cool with you, sure, but that's just because you give him a sweet life.

Screw with his life, and he'll become a hater.

Care to, uh, make a little bet on that?

God.

Sure.

Lucy, don't stoop to his level.

Okay. Do whatever you want to his stuff, but just don't hurt him. Deal?

Deal.

God.

Okay, this has gotten way out of hand.

Idle hands?

People are dying over this stupid bet.

Shut the hell up, Jeffrey. I'm trying to see what he does.

Yeah, I got a lot of money riding on this.

Lord, you gaveth unto me everything, so you may take it all back if thou wishes.

All my years of hard work surely did nothing to amass my fortune. No, it was all you.

You gaveth unto me those animals and servants who were slaughtered.

And my ten children, they existed surely not because I repeatedly impregnated my wife by way of sexual intercourse.

No, but because you, an invisible, omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, spaceless, timeless, uncrossed, transcendent, absolute, perfect, benevolent deity gave them unto me.

So I have no problem with you taking them back.

Camel Mart has a similar return policy, so why should not the Lord?

Okay, God. You won. It's over. Man, you are sadistic.

Satan! Lucy Goosey! Where you been?

Same old, same old. Chillin'.

Why do you keep asking? You know everything, and she knows you know, and you know she knows that you know.

Eh? Eh? How about that job, eh, Lucy? Fucked his shit up, and he's still my homie, yo.

Yeah, but that was just his family and possessions. Fuck him up, and he won't be your homie anymore.

Don't either of you think it's a bit wrong to be gambling with people's lives?

Deal. Double or nothing. Sweet.

Guess not.

Like, OMG, thou still haven't cursed God yet? Thou art gross. Just die already.

But God giveth unto me very good things, like you, sweetie, and I accepted them.

So if he desires to giveth unto me bad things, like nasty sores, I should accept those too.

Thou needs to accept a shower is what thou needs to do.

Oh God, that's nasty. That's really, really nasty. You should have that looked at.

You should clean that off. That's pus.

I wish I was never born.

Thou art being a bit of a pussy, Job.

Yap.

Good people don't suffer. Thou art jacked because thou probably did some bad shit, and this is thy punishment?

Yeah.

That's why God killed thy children? I mean, if I died right now, I'd be like, oh snap, my dad needs to stop jerking off. Or whatever it was he did to piss God off.

Thou needs to cease thy jerking off.

Yeah, if only he knew the real reason was for a bet. Some benevolent God you are.

Some friend you are. This sucketh. Thou hast not a clue. Thou art wrong about me. I wish I'd just die already.

What's happening to thee is justice.

Justice? No. A bet with the devil? Yes.

And your children are dead, because they were probably rotten sinners too.

Damn!

Well, he didn't.

That's a cold motherfucker right there.

But I swear, I didn't do anything wrong.

Oh, sureth. I wish God would come down right now and prove thee wrong.

Indeed.

So would I, actually. I'd love to see that. You could tell him all about your bet.

Pssh, whatever.

God is mysterious.

Thou can't possibly understandeth his reasons, which I'm sure are really deep and far beyond thy comprehension.

Indeed.

I mean, it's not like he's doing this to win a bet or something. Just admit thy wrongdoing, and he'll ease off.

Thou ought to fucking know it all.

Please, God, just let me know what I did wrong.

But he didn't do anything wrong, did he?

Wicked people suffer, and thou art suffering. So do the math, bitch.

You said it, brother.

Oh my God, that's it? You made me feel so much better now.

Not? Man, I'd never say such shit unto thee.

Dear God, my life is truly foobar before thee, and though thou hast fucked me and my family up so very thoroughly,

I know thou art my advocate in heaven. Thou art my witness, who knows my innocence.

This guy over here with the speeches. I guess we're just retards before thee.

Indeed.

It doesn't taketh a chariot scientist to figure this shit out.

Yeah, that's what I was gonna say.

You gots to be wicked, or this wouldn't have happened to thee.

Yep. Booyah.

Look, for some reason, I don't know why, God is pissed at me, and I don't need thy tools kicking me wilts dumb down.

God curses wicked people.

I heard that.

Just like someone we all know.

Bullshit. Evil people enjoy success.

Well, surely God isn't punishing thee because of thy piety.

Actually, if you think about it, his piety is exactly why he's being punished.

Stop lying and trying to make it look like God made a mistake. Submit to God, and he will return thy bling to thee.

If only I could just see God and talk to him.

Oh, please.

I'd find out what his problem with me is and show him that I'm not so bad after all.

But unfortunately, the motherfucker's invisible.

Bullshit.

That's just fucking nonsense, and you know it.

Thou art not righteous to God.

Nope.

Thou art like a maggot compared to God.

Yeah? Well, Job never made a bet with someone's life.

Oh, that helps, Billy. Thanks.

I maintain that I am righteous.

What a crock of shit.

Man, I miss the old days when I was like a goddamn rock star.

Oh, don't give me that shit.

People loved me, and now they spit in my fucking face.

Oh, poor baby.

Please, God, I cry out to thee. I suffer so very much.

Hey, hey, you following me, Cameron guy?

Sham Pow is gonna clean your kitchen, your bathroom, your car, your sink, your spouse.

I swear I've been blameless.

If I haven't, then let God himself step forward with his accusations against me.

You know, he's gonna be really pissed off when he finds out this was all over a bet.

Yeah, better keep that one on the down low.

Okay, okay, thou old farts have gone on longeth enough.

I may be young, but I ain't dumb, you dig?

Job, God obviously found some fault with thee.

Ha, look at them all, fucking clueless.

God has probably already answered thee, like in a dream or some shit, and thou just ain't listening.

God don't do evil. There's no way he did this to thee unjustly.

Thou art answering like a guilty man. Thou art rebelling against God.

Cry out to him all thou wants, but God don't answer arrogant little sinners like thee.

Oh, yes, I do.

Holy fuck!

Alrighty, I'm bored of this shit.

Job, God Almighty Daddy Big Boss is about to interrogate the shit out of you, and you best answer him straight, boy.

Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?

Who did all the measuring and stone work?

I don't know.

I did. Who made the goddamn sea?

Me.

Do you command the sun?

Nope.

I do.

Where does the lightning and wind go?

Can you bring out the stars?

Do you know heaven's laws?

Who makes thunderstorms?

Me.

Who makes ice?

Me.

Who provides for the animals?

Me.

Who gave them their gifts?

Me.

King Kong ain't got shit.

On me.

I'm not worthy.

Stop being a little bitch.

Answer me.

Are you glorious and splendid like me?

How dare you insist that I owe you an explanation for this?

What an asshole.

I am sorry.

Thou art truly a badass God.

I hate myself and repent before thee.

Now that's what I want to hear.

Fear and submission.

Me likey.

Vince, what did he win?

Hey, you're gonna love it, Job.

You got double your merchandise back.

You're gonna get your 14,000 sheep, your 6,000 camels, your 1,000 yoke oxen, and your 1,000 donkeys.

Oh, I repent. I repent.

But wait, there's more.

You following me, camera guy?

Now because you repented within the last 30 seconds, you're gonna get your seven brand-new sons, and you're gonna get your three daughters that are even hotter than the ones you used to have.

Wow, that's great, God.

I really appreciate it.

But I miss my children who died.

Couldn't you...

Ah, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.

Don't push it, Job.

Hi, Job.

Aha!

I knew a mediator would fly down from heaven and defend me.

That's right.

Look, Job,

God is about to show up and scare you into submission by bragging with some bullshit about how badass he is.

But it's actually all an act to cover up the fact that this was done to you so that he could win a bat with the devil.

Thou art gotta be shitting me!

No, no, thou aren't shitting you.

My children are dead.

Hundreds of my servants, dead.

I'm in pain day and night, and people think I'm a monster.

All for a bat?

Yup.

So here's what we're gonna do.

I say we play a little prank on God.

You in?

Oh, yeah.

I'm so in.

Okay, brace yourself.

I'm gonna take you into the future, all the way to the 21st century.

Wow.

What shall we do there?

I'm gonna take you to John F. Kennedy Elementary School for some classes.

Where were you when I laid the Earth's foundation?

Who did all the measuring and stonework?

Actually, 4.54 billion years ago, the Earth formed by accretion from the solar nebula, the gravitational attraction of gas and debris that eventually coalesced into the Earth.

Uh...

Well, who made the goddamn sea and tells it what to do?

Well, around 4 billion years ago, the oceans formed as a result of the Earth's outgassing and comet bombardment, as the solar system was still quite young and full of debris.

As the planet's surface cooled, water condensed into rain and filled the lower terrain, making oceans.

Minerals like salt entered the ocean through runoff and exited the ocean through tectonic activity and evaporation.

Um...

Lightning?

Electrons within a cloud repeatedly stream and pull, branching and splitting into a step leader.

As a delta-2 lowers and pulls on the ground, as the surplus of negative energy gets within, say, 10 to 100 meters of the ground, streamers, or weakly luminous plasma filaments, are launched toward the step leader from any ground-based object.

The one that makes the connection closes the circuit and causes the lightning bolt to form.

A 10,000-ampere current will flow...

Just shut the fuck up already.

Jeffrey, you had something to do with this, didn't you?

Bad guy!

Get the fuck off me! What the hell are you doing?

Now you heal...

Stop it!

Now you do the right thing and you heal Job right now.

Fine, fine.

Happy now?

No.

You should resurrect his children, too.

Resurrect?

Sorry, but no can do.

Dead is dead.

Oh, like you'd never resurrect one of your own kids?

No.

Of course I wouldn't.