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  • Welcome to the Kill Count, where we tally up the victims in all our favorite horror movies.

  • I'm James A. Janisse, and am I having deja vu, or am I about to talk about Carrie?

  • Oh, it's just another remake, this one from 2013. Yes, we've made it to the final Carrie,

  • after a TV remake and a sequel that occasionally felt like a remake. Here we have another remake,

  • set in the 2010s, ooooh, featuring more talented actors in all the main roles. The mainest role,

  • Carietta White, is played by Chloe Grace Moretz, and while Moretz is obviously a talented

  • actor, it's hard for me to buy into her as Carrie White. Yeah, I know, that's not

  • a unique criticism, but it's how I really feel. She doesn't have the offputting fragility

  • of Sissy Spacek or the acerbic weirdness of Angela Bettis, she just seems like a normal

  • girl acting like an outcast - y'know, the stereotypical "nerdy girl" in rom coms who takes off her

  • glasses and is all of a sudden beautiful.

  • Aside from that casting, I'm also annoyed that this iteration of Carrie doesn't try

  • to do anything new - despite what director Kimberly Peirce, of Boys Don't Cry fame, says here.

  • "There was just a chance to do it differently."

  • The 2002 TV movie, for all its faults, incorporated

  • that after-the-fact framing device and a bunch of scenes from the novel that weren't in the

  • original movie. But 2013 Carrie mostly just takes everything from the de Palma film and

  • re-does it all with new actors and smart phones. It never experiments with the material enough

  • to justify existing, so to me, it feels like an entirely unnecessary remake that doesn't

  • offer any reason for me to watch it over the original.

  • Except MAYBE the fact that some of its kills are a bit more graphic. So, might as

  • well show you those, right?

  • The movie begins at the White House. Well, this blue house. Not like the WHITE hou- you know

  • what I mean. It's a house of wet bibles and painful pregnancies - so painful that

  • Margaret White thinks it's cancer! But unless this is June or July, it's not a cancer at

  • all - it's just a wittle babyyy. Dammit Margaret, no scissors around the wittle baby. Especially

  • not the FACE, come on! And it's probably meant to be at least a little ambiguous,

  • but I don't THINK baby Carrie stopped those scissors with her mind. I think Margaret had

  • a last minute change of heart - and good thing she did, cause now that baby can grow up to

  • be a TITLE CARDDDD.

  • She actually grows up to be Chloe Grace-Moretz, this movie's Carrie White, who's scorned and

  • /or ignored by the popular kids in school like Chris Hargensen, Sue Snell and Tommy Ross.

  • The gym class volleyball game becomes a water sport this time around, but that doesn't

  • improve Carrie's skills at all - nor, of course, her social standing.

  • "You eat shit!"

  • The infamous locker room scene is not as skintastic as de Palma's, which makes sense given that

  • Moretz was an actual teenager here.

  • "I am a 15 year old girl."

  • Yeah, way younger in the role than Sissy Spacek, who was 24, and Angela Bettis, who was 29.

  • Carrie White finds some red on her soap - and her hands - and that freaks her out something

  • special. But the other kids in the locker room only respond by throwing tampons at her

  • and recording their bullying on their phones

  • "PLUG IT UP! PLUG IT UP!"

  • Sounds like some interference is needed by Coach Desjardin, played here by Judy Greer,

  • Kill Count alumnus thanks to Jurassic World and Halloween 2018. With one vintage slap

  • to the face, she calms the situation down - just not enough to avoid an overhead light

  • poppin off. They go to the principal's office, where Desjardin tries to comfort Carrie,

  • but the girl is still in a glass-shattering mood. Wait was that glass?

  • *glass smashing noises*)

  • Yeah that sounded like glass. Who has a glass water tank? That'd be so heavy!

  • Margaret comes to pick Carrie up from school, pausing only to cast scorn upon the horny

  • teenagers around her - namely, Chris Hargensen and her boyfriend Billy Nolan, whose actor

  • Alex Russell gives us the most threatening variation of the character. The Whites get

  • home and Margaret goes inside first so Carrie can be alone in the car when that bike kid comes around.

  • "Crazy Carrie, Crazy Carrie! *pig noise*

  • Wouldn't be Carrie without a doucher on a bike! Or off a bike, I guess.

  • In this remake, Margaret is played by Julianne Moore, previously on the kill Count in The

  • Lost World: Jurassic Park. Moore's Margaret is a highlight of the film, mostly because

  • she's such a different depiction than Piper Laurie's over-the-top fundamentalist. This

  • Margaret White has issues that lead to self-harm, but her relationship towards Carrie feels

  • less rooted in hatred.

  • "It's not our of being abusive, it's not out of being hateful, they love each other."

  • It's a different, manipulative take on the character, but one that still sees her blame Carrie's

  • period on her having sinned.

  • "I'm not Eve, Mama. I didn't sin."

  • Listen, Carrie, the only book

  • learning we do here is BIBLE learning! Get it through your head!

  • When Carrie continues to talk back, she earns a complimentary ticket to the praying closet,

  • to which she says Let Me Out instead of In

  • "GOD YOU SUCK!"

  • Carrietta White!

  • We do NOT digitally crack open doors in this house. Is that what bleeding bod Jesus have wantedwould

  • I didn't think so.

  • That night, Sue Snell is feeling real bad about how she treated Carrie. She tells her

  • boyfriend Tommy Ross about it and they have a conversation from the book where he tells

  • her about a time when he, too, was a dick too far. Good material for the character,

  • especially as delivered by a 19 year old Ansel Elgort in his first ever film role.

  • With that one scene, Sue and Tommy have established that they're good kids - unlike Chris and

  • Billy, and Chris's best friend Tina Blake, who go on the old YouTubes and upload their

  • video of Carrie getting bullied.

  • "Favorite Movie? Bloodsport."

  • Wait, what?

  • "Favorite drink? Bloody Mary."

  • What the- YouTube's not a dating app. Those aren't fields you have to fill out!

  • At school, Miss Desjardin lines up the girls in gym class and tells them what she thinks of their recent actions

  • "You all did a shitty thing yesterday."

  • She tells them they have a choice between physical detention with her

  • or a disinvitation to prom, but Chris Hargensen's

  • not a fan of lateral exercises, so she tells Desjardin to fuck off. Chris is unable to

  • rally the troops to her side, leaving her as the only one suspended - even though she doesn't understand why.

  • "We didn't do anything wrong!"

  • Yep, nothing wrong with this, ya dummy.

  • Carrie gets upset by her every-day bullying so she goes into a bathroom and cracks apart

  • a mirror with her mind. Ohhhh and she makes mirror shard soup in the sink, too! Neat!

  • Intrigued by this capability, she researches miracles and telekinesis so that later on,

  • in her room, she can practice her newfound talent. Huh, I guess all she needed was an

  • extended hand and a silly face, and she was ready to be an X-Man! X-Woman? Mutant. Wow,

  • Carrie, you've already got Luke post-Dagobah skills. This was one scene where Peirce briefly

  • experimented with practical effects, putting the books on strings and using fishing poles

  • to make them float. She didn't like the way it looked though so they went with visual effects instead.

  • In class, Carrie is picked on by a teacher until Tommy comes to her defense

  • "Asshole."

  • "Excuse me Mr. Ross, did you say something?"

  • "I said 'Awesome.'"

  • That act of chivalry gains Carrie's attention and gets the gears turning

  • in Sue's old Snell Shell. Meanwhile, Chris Hargensen has her lawyer dad meet with Principal Morton.

  • He's played by Hart Bochner, probably based off his performance as a slimey yuppie

  • in Die Hard, but it's worth noting that he, too, is a Kill Count graduate, having played

  • the head prankster in Terror Train. Mr. Hargensen tries to get Coach Desjardin fired, but he's

  • unable to do that - or get Chris her prom privileges restored - because there's hard

  • evidence of Chris's awfulness in the form of that video on YouTube. Idiot kids.

  • Chris complains to her friends, and when Sue stands up for Carrie, Chris questions her sincerity,

  • saying she's only being nice so she can still go to Prom.

  • To prove Chris wrong and comfort her guilty conscience, Sue comes up with a plan and Snells

  • it out to Tommy.

  • "I want you to take Carrie White to Prom."

  • Even though he'd rather

  • go with Sue, Tommy can tell how much this would mean to her, so he cool guy walks his

  • way down the hallway, highfiving peers and faculty alike, until he gets to Carrie's lonely

  • lunch table and graces her with his cool guy presence.

  • He asks her to prom, a request she can't even understand.

  • "...What?"

  • "The Prom."

  • ...and her skepticism

  • leads her to flee - she's not lookin to be the butt of another joke. She tells Desjardin

  • about Tommy's proposal, leading to some great multifaceted face acting from Judy Greer,

  • "Wow... Tommy Ross?"

  • and the gym teacher encourages optimism in the girl - after all, with some

  • make up and posture adjustment, Carrie could make a fine date for the T-Man. Just to be

  • sure, though, Desjardin warns Tommy and Sue that they'd better not be setting up Carrie

  • to get pranked - or there'll be Snell to pay. Gotta love Elgort as a well-meaning but kinda

  • dense Tommy Ross.

  • "Famous athlete's, like Tim Tebow? He takes kids to Prom all the time and everyone loves him for it."

  • Aside from the lead role, this movie's shortcomings are

  • no fault of its stars.

  • To make sure Sue's satisfied, Tommy goes to Carrie's house and secures her as a date by

  • saying the poem she read in class was cool. Carrie tells her mom about her prom plans

  • later, saying she's gonna go cause she doesn't want to be the weird kid anymore.

  • "I have to try and be a whole person. Before it's too late."

  • Mama White don't trust Tommy's intentions though,

  • and tells Carrie she needs to get back in the closet. But Carrie's out and proud now,

  • brazenly showing off her superhero powers in a way that Grace-Moretz compared to "conducting

  • a symphony." I'm not a huge fan of how it looks, but at least they didn't go with the

  • version of this scene where Carrie moves her mom around like she's playing a fuckin' crane game.

  • Billy Nolan and his bros take Chris out to a pig farm so they can collect a bunch of

  • blood to epically prank Carrie White. His pal Jackie Talbot's unable to do the deed,

  • so Billy takes over and starts things off with a kiss that allegedly got actor Alex

  • Russell sick because there were pig droppings present on the sledgehammer. I couldn't

  • verify that info but I had to mention it anyway. Chris finishes the job with a psychopathic

  • swine stab, cause Portia Doubleday's Chris Hargensen is kind of cartoonishly evil sometimes.

  • They take that pig's blood into the school and string it up using a pulley system, all

  • while an unsuspecting Carrie White works on her dress with no risk of sore calves. Y'know

  • even with Margaret praying in the background, I'd much rather be Carrie, getting ready for

  • the dance at home, than stuck in this cliche cool kid montage backed by Vampire Weekend.

  • Nothing against Vampire Weekend, I actually like them quite a bit, but I just can't stand

  • manufactured coolness like this. The screenplay for this remake was co-written by two dudes.

  • First, the original film's screenwriter, Lawrence Cohen, which explains why it's so similar

  • to the de Palma film. And secondly, Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa - which explains why it feels

  • so CW a lot of the time, seeing as Aguirre-Sacasa is the man who brought us Riverdale and the

  • Chilling Adventures of Sabrina.

  • Margaret tries to manipulate Carrie into staying home, but ain't no one bout to turn down a