- Taste test? Don't feed this rice to humans.

Don't do taste test. This is child abuse.

Hallo niece and nephew. It's Uncle Roger.

Today Uncle Roger gonna review this video

requested by so many niece and nephew out there.

It's Kays Cooking special fried rice.

As usual, my nephew Nigel, the camera man.

Nephew Nigel, say hi.

- Hey Uncle Roger and hey nieces and nephews.

Remember Uncle Roger is doing a comedy video

so don't go attacking anyone after this, okay?

- Hiya, Nephew Nigel. You worry too much.

All my niece and nephew are decent people. Don't worry.

- Hi people, and I'm back cooking.

And today I'm going to be doing special fried rice.

- Okay. This video look quite amateur

(mellow music)

(beep) This video looks quite amateur

but sometime amateur people the most passionate.

Uncle Roger give this video a shot.

- [Kay] I put some oil in. It says two tablespoons.

- Hiya, inductions stove.

I just said, give this a shot.

And she messed up already.

And why her induction stove purple?

Uncle Roger never see this before

but at least she got wok.

- [Kay] And now I'm going to chop some garlic up.

'Cause it says it got to be really hot and stuff.

- This is the dumbest way to see if your wok is hot.

Don't just put your hand in the wok.

You will burn yourself, hiya.

Just use your eye.

Here's how you know if wok is hot.

If there's smoke coming up from wok, you know it hot.

This is not the time to use finger.

Don't use finger

- [Kay] Right now I'm gonna chop the garlic up.

My finger's going in there and mine

- Why your knife so colorful?

It's this knife for children?

Why are you using "Sesame Street" knife?

And also look at her chopping.

- [Kay] Uh huh.

The garlic so uneven. They're big pieces.

They're small pieces. Chop properly, hiya.

- [Kay] The special fried rice, the purple one.

- Oh my God.

The garlic's so ugly.

Her chopping so bad even the garlic

tried to escape from her.

- [Kay] Second to my friend and get them off.

- [Narrator] Two hours later.

- This must be the worlds slowest chopping.

I think by the time she finish chopping

everybody will have got vaccine for COVID.

- [Kay] (indistinct)

- She's still chopping.

Is this egg fried rice tutorial

or how not to chop garlic tutorial?

- [Kay] Now I know a lot of you said

flatten it with a back of the knife

to do the garlic, but probably haven't got

enough strength anyway to do it with the back of the knife.

- So weak, so weak, little garlic you cannot flatten, hiya.

I think Kay, you need to go to gym so you can be stronger

than clove of garlic.

- [Kay] Now I know a lot of you said

flatten it with the back of the knife

to do the garlic.

- That suggestion is right.

When Uncle Roger chop garlic

I first flatten garlic with the back of knife.

Then the skin easy to peel off,

and then you can chop properly.

If you don't smash your garlic first

that's why your garlic jumped around when you're chopping

because it not flat, hiya.

Learn the proper technique.

(pan sizzling)

Okay, finally, she cooking.

- [Kay] (laughing) What a let down.

As you can see, it's pretty hot.

And the garlic is now turned brown.

- No, no, no, no, no.

Oh my God.

Turn brown.

What you mean turned brown?

The garlic blacker than Auntie Helen hot woman.

Are you colorblind? It completely burnt.

This garlic looks so much like burn victim.

Uncle Roger want to start a GoFundMe for it.

I didn't know you could make garlic

look like it live through Chernobyl, hiya.

Uncle Roger sad now.

For egg fried rice we want to gently brown the garlic

until it fragrant, not cremated.

This is the garlic ashes.

Give Uncle Roger the garlic.

I will give a proper burial.

Garlic is Asian people favorite ingredient.

And you destroy it.

Uncle Roger, feels so much pain in heart.

- Uncle Roger, are you okay?

- I fine, I fine. Nephew Nigel, don't worry.

I'm sure this video won't get any worse than this.

- (sigh) Oh boy.

He doesn't even know what's coming.

(pan sizzling)

- What, what, what, what's she doing? What she's doing?

Is that raw rice she putting in the wok.

No, no, no, no.

I think Uncle Roger see it wrong.

I think Uncle Roger hallucinating.

Replay, replay.

(pan sizzling)

- No, no, no, no.

She really put uncooked rice into wok.

I can't even put my leg back up on chair.

This is the most stress I feel.

How...

Does she know rice need to be cooked?

Uncle Roger say if your rice too wet, you fucked up.

But if your rice uncooked, you definitely fucked up.

Oh no, no. She's stirring the uncooked rice.

No, no. Oh my God.

Stirring the uncooked rice with the burnt garlic.

She just massacre our rice.

Watching this video, it's like watching

"Schindler's List" before egg fried rice.

- [Kay] Salt.

Pepper.

- Uncle Roger have been defeated.

I am now empty shell of a man seeing this rice.

I not even mad that she not using MSG

because even MSG can not save her.

Niece and nephew, Uncle Roger sampled

many different brands of MSG before.

And my favorite brand of MSG is this

Indonesian brand called Sasa.

Uncle Roger think Indonesia make the best MSG.

That why even Uncle Gordon make his egg fried rice

he go to middle of nowhere in Indonesia.

This company Sasa even makes special seasoning

for egg fried rice for you.

This is the Sasa Javanese fried rice seasoning.

You can cook authentic Javanese fried rice

with just this and only 10 minutes.

This packet can ruin Jamie Oliver whole career.

It has authentic Indonesian ingredient

like shrimp paste and soy sauce.

No chili jam.

So niece and nephew, if you in Indonesia, go buy

Sasa Javanese fried rice seasoning

because you deserve to enjoy life.

Back to video.

- [Kay] What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna break some eggs

'cause it's looking a bit too dry

- Woman, the rice look too dry because

you didn't cook the rice, hiya.

This woman think dry rice can be saved by egg.

You don't need egg. You need a miracle.

This rice drier that my ex-wife Auntie Helen.

Even egg cannot save her also.

Auntie Helen have egg inside her and she still dry.

Sorry, children.

(beep) - I'm gonna crack some eggs,

beat them up.

- You beat egg up.

Uncle Roger want to beat you up.

Look at how sad this rice look.

This look like raw rice with rat shit inside.

How can you ruin beautiful grain of rice like that?

The rice farmer worked so hard

to make rice for you and you disrespect it like this, hiya.

- [Kay] It says I gotta put the chicken in with the egg.

Can't be right, can it?

- So you think putting chicken in the egg is wrong

but you think putting uncooked rice

in burnt garlic is correct?

What your logic? What your logic?

No, no, oh my, oh my.

Disgusting.

With every step the rice just look worse and worse.

- [Kay] I don't know if you can see,

but I've been cooking some peas

because I don't know if you're supposed to cook them first.

- You're not supposed to cook the peas first.

You're supposed to cook the rice first, hiya.

This woman cook peas but she don't cook rice.

- [Kay] Like I said, I think it need a bit more juice in it.

I think it's looking a little better now.

This is the end product of special fried rice.

- Is that not the saddest thing you seen?

Look at the rice. Look at the rice.

It's so uncooked.

And then the green pea looks so soggy.

This rice looked like Uncle Roger future.

What's she gonna do with this rice?

- Right Lee's going to do the taste test.

- Taste test?

Don't feed this rice to human.

Don't do taste test.

This is child abuse.

This rice you don't even feed to animal

but you feed your children.

Hiya, child services, go arrest her.

She's abusing this boy.

If you feed this rice to starving person

even starving person will say, I choose to die.

I don't want to eat this.

- The spoon (indistinct).

- No, I wanted the fork, but whatever.

- [Kay] Ahhh.

- Who holds spoon like this?

He holds spoon like shovel.

So the mom can't cook and the son can't spoon.

This family all sorts of fucked up.

Look at her so excited to see what he think.

Kay, it's not good. It not good.

I appreciate you have passion

to start your own cooking channel

but this is not how cooking channel supposed to work.

It not supposed to break Asian people.

- What?

- You can't taste the garlic.

- Hiya, of course you can taste the garlic.

The garlic's so burnt it become coal now.

- Well you can, but very-

- Faint? - Yeah.

And the rice is a bit crunchy.

- The what, what he say? What he say?

- And the rice is a bit crunchy.

- The rice crunchy?

Of course the rice, ahhh.

The rice not cook at all.

The rice just came from paddy field this morning

and you eat the rice.

Hiya, of course it crunchy.

Of course. - Right, I hope I gave you

a rough idea on how to do special fried rice.

Like I said, I wasn't looking forward to do it

'cause I thought it was gonna turn up the wrong way.

And so again

- Kay, you are sweet woman, but you terrible cook.

I think BBC Food gonna hire her soon.

Where are you getting these recipes?

The dark web?

- How are you feeling right now, Uncle Roger?

- Uncle Roger feel so violated.

Gonna go make my own egg fried rice now

with the Sasa Javanese fried rice seasoning packet.

Need to forget about this video. Wash away the pain.

Niece and nephew, don't forget,

when Uncle Roger hit three million subscriber