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  • -Thank you. Okay, awesome news.

  • I'm engaged.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Alright.

  • Not everybody clapped, I saw.

  • That's okay. That's fine.

  • Whenever people don't clap for that, I'm like,

  • "Oh, I guess they wanted to sleep with me."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And your days are numbered.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • When you get engaged, people ask you the same stupid questions

  • over and over again.

  • Everyone is like, "Were you surprised?"

  • "No.

  • But I was happy."

  • And they're like, "Boo!

  • You should have been surprised."

  • It's like, if you propose to someone, and they are shocked,

  • that's a bad sign.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • If they're tip-toeing on the gazebos,

  • they don't like you.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And then, they are like, "How did you know?

  • How did you figure it out?"

  • I'm smarter than him.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • That's it.

  • Like, I plan everything in our lives.

  • You're not going to pull a fast one on me.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Men are so clunky, too.

  • He asked for my dad's phone number.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's like, "Okay, well, they're not sexting."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Then, they want to see the ring.

  • That's the next thing.

  • And no matter what, they go, "He did such a good job."

  • It could be the ugliest thing they have ever seen,

  • and they will say, "He did such a good job."

  • And it's like, "I did this."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I built this thing from the ground up,

  • and now, he's getting credit for it?

  • There was an entire folder on my mom's phone.

  • Like, he may have financed it, but I'm the architect.

  • If this was a building, my name would be on the side of it.

  • He doesn't know anything about rings or weddings.

  • He proposed to me in a shirt that said "Mt. Dunkmore."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You think he knows rose gold looks good

  • on potato famine skin?

  • I don't think so.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • My fiance is a hip-hop Filipino.

  • [ Scattered cheers ]

  • If you know, you know.

  • [ Light laughter ]

  • For those of you that don't know, a hip-hop Filipino,

  • if you went to high school with someone, and they, like,

  • loved break dancing, but their dad was a surgeon. Okay?

  • Like, he has a gold necklace, but he's allergic to it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • We don't have any kids.

  • We're gonna get married. We're gonna have kids.

  • I'm an aunt, obviously.

  • You can tell from this manic energy.

  • Aunts without any of their own children

  • are the scariest people alive.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • There they are.

  • People are like, "No. It's dog people.

  • It's incels."

  • No. It's women whose screensaver is a baby

  • they didn't give birth to.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • That's a crazy person.

  • And the thing is, we don't want to be this way.

  • We want to be cool. We want to be chill.

  • But for some reason, that gets to be uncles.

  • And you know what?

  • Uncles have had it too good for too long.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Uncles don't do anything.

  • They show up.

  • They talk to the kid for 30 seconds.

  • They wreck the whole house.

  • And then, everybody is like, " What a good guy.

  • What an awesome role model."

  • I saw a guy recently wearing a hat that said, "Funcle."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • We don't have that.

  • I can't wear a hat that says "Faunt."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • If you're a fun aunt, you're a cautionary tale.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • They're like, "Yeah, go spend spring break with her.

  • And then, come back, and tell us why she's alone."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Uncles always get to be cool in movies.

  • When we're in movies, we're just drunk,

  • dancing alone at weddings,

  • spilling pinot grigio on toddlers.

  • Going like this to deejays.

  • And they're like, "I can't move."

  • And then, we do crazy things

  • that perpetuate the stereotype that we're insane.

  • Like, you'll see a baby in a onesie that's like,

  • "If you think I'm cute, you should see my aunt."

  • That onesie should just say, "Somebody bang my aunt."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "She's having a tough year."

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Thank you guys so much.

  • -Oh, my gosh.

  • Oh, hey.

  • Oh, my gosh.

  • Potato famine skin.

  • Megan Gailey!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • That's how you do it.

  • Download "My Dad Paid for This" at Apple Music now.

-Thank you. Okay, awesome news.

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A2 初級

ミーガン・ガイリー スタンドアップ (Megan Gailey Stand-Up)

  • 12 0
    annhu0323 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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