- They're in the suburbs with the baby I think.

- Oh, they should do a reunion.

- Oh, that's an, that's a new idea.

Yeah. Nobody's ever thought

of a friends reunion before. - [laughing]

Hi, I'm Laura Heck.

I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist,

certified Gottman therapist and cohost,

of marriage therapy radio.

- Hi, I'm Zach Brittle.

I'm a certified Gottman therapist

in private practice in Seattle, Washington.

I'm also the co-host of marriage therapy radio

with Laura Heck.

- Zack and I are back with vanity fair,

to take a look at the relationship

between Ross and Rachel on friends.

[upbeat music]

Ross has harbored a secret crush on Rachel

since the ninth grade.

They went to the same high school

and their families were friends.

As teens, Ross was sort of a nerd

and Rachel was quite popular.

- As an adult, Ross gets divorced from his wife

because she turns out to fall in love with another woman.

Rachel leaves her fiance at the alter

and they all connect together in this coffee shop

and begin this journey

that we watched for 10 years called friends.

- What are you doing here?

Well, you said you couldn't go out,

so, - You brought a picnic.

Oh, what a boyfriend.

That's it. On Monday, I start wearing makeup,

[crowd applause]

- Ross honey, this is very nice, but I got a crisis.

- Yeah , but I've got couscous

[crowd applause]

- If we're just talking like pure relationship dynamic,

it's pretty bad when you can't pick up on your

partners explicit cues, and she's doing her best.

She's trying, but she's don't got much to work with here.

- [audience laughing]

- [laughs] Pepper?

- I think he's also so focused on what he wants

and that can be so frustrating in a relationship

when you are so focused on what your desires are,

and what you want rather than paying attention

to what your partner is literally saying to you.

- I think that's actually a really good point,

particularly when you think again

about the trajectory that the two of them are on.

He's been trying to woo her for decades

and she's kind of late to the party.

So he's actually living into his dream

and he's not gonna blow it.

So, I'll give him at least that.

- Ross, you're not listening to me.

I don't have time to stop.

- Come on Rachael, you don't have what

10 minutes, - I don't have 10 minutes,

- Sophie, does she have

10 minutes, - Ross - I told you I don't.

- I have to say when he turns to,

the first time I watched this, when he turns to, secretary.

I think they called them secretaries back then, and says,

"Hey, does she have 10 minutes"?

That would send me over the edge.

Clearly she's already escalated.

She's already stayed feeling like she's internally chaotic.

And now he's saying,

"Hey, I don't believe what you're saying about yourself".

And he turns to her assistant and that I would yell.

- Don't yell at me.

Okay, this is the most I've seen you all week.

- Look I cannot do this right now, Okay.

I've got a deadline!

- I think there's a very important alignment issue here,

that when you're not aligned,

you're not going to have effective communication period.

To me, when you wanna know what people's priorities are,

you follow their time and their money.

And so what she's basically saying is,

you're not a priority for me,

because I don't have 10 minutes for you.

And that would be frustrating as well.

- I disagree.

I think that if someone says,

I'm gonna be in the middle of a shit storm right now

at work, and I need to get this done.

And then you walk in and you say what you just said,

you know what?

I'm more important, My desires,

what I haven't planned for you

is more important than this right now.

Setting up a boundary and saying

I'm in the middle of something

and I know that I'm not gonna be able to attune to you,

or to be present for you.

So when I get home,

that's when we can celebrate the anniversary.

That's when we can talk.

- Would you just go home?

I'll talk to you later.

- Yeah buy why, - Good bye.

[mumbles]

- Now I think 100% your right.

I don't think this is an appropriate way

to request your time,

but you gotta remember this other piece too,

that he threw in there.

He said, this is the most I've seen you all week.

So she's made a more comprehensive decision

about where she's putting her time

than just these 10 minutes.

So, I think if couples are gonna thrive,

they need to make sure

that they create space for one another.

Certainly within the context of a week,

maybe not within the context of,

Hey, I just barged in on your workplace.

- Look, about what happened earlier.

- [mumbling]

I completely understand you were stressed.

- I was gonna give you a chance to apologize to me!

- For what, for letting you throw me out of your office.

You had no rights coming down to my office Ross.

You do not bring a picnic basket to somebody's work,

unless maybe they were a park ranger.

- Excuse me, for wanting to be with my girlfriend

on our anniversary.

Boy, what an ass am I?

- That's defensiveness, FYI, in case you're watching this.

Oh, pity me, I did something and I'm not to be at fault.

So he's just, he's being defensive at the moment.

- Well, and I think the other piece too,

is this idea that you talk about a lot, which is kind of,

for some reason, she's got on her like a dark lenses.

You call them shit covered glasses.

- But I told you I didn't have the time.

- Yeah, well you never have the time.

Shit colored glasses.

It's really just this negative perspective.

So in the research,

you can either be in positive sentiment override where you

really look at your relationship,

you scan for the positives.

You're constantly on the lookout

for what you love and appreciate about your partner

and about your relationship.

Or you can be in negative sentiment override.

Negative sentiment override is where,

you find yourself really easily interpreting

neutral stimuli and your relationship as more negative.

Or you find that you're really just like on the lookout

for ways that your partner is hurting you

or betraying you or missing the Mark.

And, and I think in this instance,

just this one gesture of Ross showing up

with this picnic basket and offering a kind,

I think all of us could look at that and go,

Oh, that's so sweet.

I mean, we even see that with the assistant.

- That's it, on Monday I start wearing makeup.

[Audience applaud]

- Her lenses are more accurate than Rachel's at this point.

Cause she goes, that's so sweet.

And the way that Rachel looks at it is through negative

sentiment override, which takes time

to creep in for you to get to the place

where your relationship is overdrawn.

And you're you're misinterpreting

actions in the relationship.

- They aren't in a healthy, foundational space,

because if they were,

and he shows up with the basket,

which is effectively, it's an interpretable act,

Am I gonna interpret it as an intrusion as a relief.

And I'm more likely to interpret it as a relief

when the foundation is intact.

- For a week, they haven't connected.

And if you are feeling like there's been disconnection,

you think of like this

emotional bank account between the two of you.

And all week long, you've just been making

all of these withdrawals, Cause you're busy,

you're stressed out at work.

You're not able to be with your partner.

And then all of a sudden Ross

shows up with this beautiful gesture.

And the lens that she's looking at that through

is interpreting that this is him barging in

rather than making a sweet gesture and saying,

I just wanna spend time with you.

Ross, what do you want from me?

You want me to quit my job

so you can feel like you have a girlfriend.

- No, but it would be nice if you'd realize

that it's just a job,

- Just a job.

- Yes.

- There's so many things happening here

that just make the spiral go down even further.

Because, what we know about Rachel is that she had been

working at the coffee shop and now she's working in a job

that is her dream job.

And he says, it's just a job,

which completely minimize her dream and her importance.

- Ross, do you realize this is the first time in my life.

I'm doing something I actually care about.

This is the first time in my life,

I'm doing something that I'm actually good at.

That to me is her saying, you don't know me.

Cause if you knew me, if you cared about me,

if you were honoring my dreams,

then you would recognize that this is a big deal.

And when I'm stressed out, and I need to get something done

or want to accomplish something at work.

It's because it's not just about work.

It's about the dream.

- We should just take a break.

- Okay, fine.

You're right, let's take a break.

Let's cool off, let's get some frozen yogurt or something.

- Perfect idea, take a break.

Go get some frozen yogurt separately.

- No!

- No, this is it.

- [exhales deeply]

A break from us.

- Do you call that stonewalling?

He leaves the room.

- Yeah, I mean, stonewalling

is basically just shutting down from your partner.

When you become a Stonewall, you're not engaging.

You're not speaking, your non-verbals aren't present.

They grab their keys, they leave, they go for a drive.

Stonewalling is without agreement.

Taking a break however can be incredibly helpful.

And that would have been had they followed this and said,

you know what, why don't we take a break?

And Rachel would have bate her tongue rather than saying,

I need a break from us.

My guess is that

they would have calmed down,

cause right now they're in sort of

Diffused Physiological Arousal [DPA]

of what we consider fight or flight.

they're flooded.

And you just can't have a good conversation

with your partner when you're flooded.

And in order to combat that,

taking a break would have been a great idea.

Let's calm down, and then let's talk about this,