but whenever there's a conference call, I can't handle it.

This is not a lie.

I'm lying in bed, at home, and I put the cell phone on speaker,

and I throw the phone to the other side of the bed,

and I just lie there like this...

And I just wait for people to stop talking.

And when they stop talking, I just go, like,

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sounds good."

That's my waterboarding, a 45-minute conference call.

You know what the worst is?

Is when the phone call goes to end,

and then that last person who hasn't talked

the whole phone call chimes in.

You know what they're doing.

They're like, "This phone call's gonna end,

and I haven't said anything."

And then you have to sit there and listen to it and then comment on it.

You die a thousand deaths.

My other car is a Prius.

-Wow. -So... I love the Prius.

Prius is the [bleeps], though.

It's like that friend that you never have an issue with.

-It's a Toyota. It always starts. -Well...

It costs you like 28 bucks to fill the tank.

-Okay. -Somebody opens their door into it,

you don't give a [bleeps].

Have you checked around for your soul lately?

-Have you noticed your soul is gone? -Because I'm driving a Prius?

It crushes the human spirit.

It has no joy of life...

Oh, [bleeps], I can't argue with that. I can't argue with any of that.

You've got this ability to make me laugh and to ruin [bleeps],

all at the same time.

And people for years have said, "He has an act about nothing."

It isn't. You're not listening to him.

You're not seeing the anger underneath these bits.

This guy has contempt for humanity,

and for 90% of activities.

-Oh, my God. -One of my favorite things to see

is a comic,

especially someone who works clean,

to still be able to see that same sort of rage.

Like Brian Regan. You watch Brian Regan...

People think it's goofy. It's like, "No. This is an angry dude."

The way he's telling this story is not the way he reacted

when the [bleeps] happened. I'm telling you right now.

Well, I think everybody in that whole northeast area...

-Yeah. -They're just funny.

-Philly, New York and Boston. -I just think it's the ball-breaking.

It's like you grow up getting heckled.

-It's like you're, sort of, onstage... -Right.

And you just learn that whole

"get it off me and get it on to the next person."

-Know what I mean? -Right.

Then you learn other techniques, like, "I'll agree with it.

I'll make fun of myself.

I can use my hands, I can take it to the ground."

It's like UFC of, like, getting [bleeps].

You're not worried that we're becoming this very gentle, respectful culture,

that the people won't be funny anymore.

I'm worried that every time I see a comedian

apologize just to end it...

Just because you took what I said seriously

doesn't mean I now meant it.

Like, you don't get to decide that,

"What? You're in my head and you know my intent?"

Like, if I'm saying something and I'm joking, I'm joking.

This is the deal. Those people who get offended like that,

if they wanna see stand-up comedy,

they should hire a comic for a private show,

and go, "These are topics you can talk about.

These are topics you don't."

So, you come in to the hostile environment of a comedy club,

and we get to say whatever we want.

The amount of times they've shown clips,

they'll be like, "Controversy at the Laugh Factory."

And they show the bit and the crowd laughed.

There was no controversy.

One person got pissed, wrote a blog.

It's a lazy journal story...

-Right. -And the next thing you know,

you're on a split screen,

and you're sitting there talking to a [bleeps] blogger.

-Is everything tasting okay? Good? -Yeah. It's delicious.

-I thought you were gonna complain. -This is not over-medium.

-This is over-easy. -Yeah.

And this is just right out of the chicken.

Did you see any of The Expendables movies?