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  • -Thank you. Wow! This is a dream come true for me.

  • I mean, especially me

  • because I don't even look like I'm gonna be funny, you know?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's my face. it's like a little TED Talky.

  • Like it looks like I'm about to use the phrase renewable energy.

  • I know that. [ Laughter ]

  • It's a hurdle.

  • A lot of people have kids, 'cause they're like,

  • "Well, if you don't, who's gonna take care of you

  • when you're old?" But there's no guarantee

  • your kids are gonna take care of you, you know?

  • Take my parents' kid for example.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • I'd be more apt to have kids if they would take care of me now.

  • You know, like, I would adopt someone

  • if they're old enough to drive.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Then my friends would call me up and be like,

  • "Today, little Emma took her first steps."

  • I'd be like, "Oh, really? Wow!

  • Ron just dropped me off at the airport. Yeah."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • I love my nephew so much.

  • He makes me hesitant to have kids

  • 'cause I'm afraid I might have kids

  • and then they don't measure up to him, you know?

  • I told my girlfriend that. She goes, "That's ridiculous."

  • She goes, "That's like never getting married

  • because you're afraid you're gonna meet someone better."

  • And I'm like, "Yeah." [ Laughter and applause ]

  • I'm dyslexic.

  • That's tough, man, because you don't see it coming.

  • You know, I just arrived in the first grade -- you have no idea.

  • I arrived in the first grade. Everyone started reading.

  • I was like, "Meh, I'm gonna stare out

  • the window for a decade. But, you guys, you do your thing."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I found out I wasn't going to learn how to read at 6.

  • That's young to get bad news about the future.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's like pulling a kid aside and being like,

  • "Hey, there's a good chance

  • you're gonna be a degenerate gambler."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • He's like, "What are the odds?"

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Third grade was tough 'cause the teacher was old,

  • and she learned to teach before dyslexia was invented.

  • So she didn't think it was a thing.

  • She thought it was something people made up to get attention.

  • Like a gluten allergy.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • She'd make, like, the whole class read,

  • and then it would be my turn.

  • I'd be like, "Yeah, I can't read.

  • It's the same situation as yesterday."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • She'd be like, "Sound it out."

  • I'd be like, "Nice try. That's reading."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That is so insensitive, man.

  • Tell a dyslexic child to sound it out?

  • That'd be like if someone pulled you aside and said,

  • "Hey, I can't eat this. I'm deathly allergic to peanuts."

  • And you're like, "Chew slowly."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • They put me in special ed. I was in special ed.

  • My mom did all my homework, all my projects.

  • They still put me there.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's true. My mom would always say to me,

  • she'd say, "You know, there's nothing to be ashamed

  • about being in special ed," and I'm glad she felt that way

  • 'cause technically she was in it too.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • I am so close to my mom. My mom had surgery last year.

  • I went to the hospital.

  • I was so, like, upset and nervous I immediately fainted.

  • As I came to, the doctor was panicking and said to my dad,

  • "Does he have any medical conditions

  • we need to know about?"

  • My dad said, "He has OCD."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's not pertinent to the situation at all.

  • He just started talking smack.

  • [ Laughter ] The doctor's like, "Seriously,

  • is there anything we need to know?"

  • My dad's like, "He owes us 5 grand."

  • Yeah. [ Laughter ]

  • I have a new girlfriend. She's Indian.

  • And sometimes I'll tell people that,

  • and they're like, "Native American or from India?"

  • And I'm like, "First off, rude."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Secondly, I will look into that."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • She has an emotional support dog,

  • which I have no experience with.

  • So the first time she cried in front of me,

  • I just kind of innocently looked at the dog

  • and was like, "Do you got this?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I have no experience with pets at all.

  • When I was a kid, I would ask for a pet,

  • and my parents would say, "Well, what will we do when we travel?"

  • Then we never went anywhere.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • My friend was like, "Weren't you lonely without a dog?"

  • I was like, "No, I was busy preparing for this voyage

  • the whole time." [ Laughter ]

  • Last time I was home, just out of the blue, my mom goes,

  • "We should have gotten you a dog."

  • That always hurts, right?

  • You're hanging out with your parents.

  • They start brainstorming ways

  • you could have been a better person?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Same trip, out of nowhere, my mom goes,

  • "When we get old, I hope you don't put us in a home."

  • And I was like, "Well, what will I do when I travel?"

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Thank you guys so much!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • -Phil Hanley! Phil Hanley.

  • For more, visit philhanley.com.

-Thank you. Wow! This is a dream come true for me.

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A2 初級

フィル・ハンリー スタンドアップ (Phil Hanley Stand-Up)

  • 5 0
    林宜悉 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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