字幕表 動画を再生する 英語字幕をプリント -You guys, I'm so excited about this. Jennifer Lopez is my guest tonight! -Oh, come on! [ Cheers and applause ] -Jennifer is so busy this week. Not only is she hosting "Saturday Night Live," but she was just asked to perform the halftime show at Trump's impeachment. Isn't that amazing? Unbelievable. That is the big news this morning. Nancy Pelosi held a press conference and said that the House will officially draft articles of impeachment against President Trump. [ Cheers and applause ] Then to lighten the mood, she brought out Justin Trudeau to tell a few "yo' president's so dumb" jokes. [ Laughter ] During her press conference, Pelosi said that she prays for Trump. And then Trump responded on Twitter and said that he doesn't believe her. And God heard that, and He was like, "Oh, man, am I gonna have to testify, too? I mean, what's -- come on." [ Laughter ] Yep, the House is moving forward with impeachment. And now it's looking like Trump could be impeached before Christmas. But, if he behaves, Nancy will let Trump open one of his charges on Impeachment Eve. -Aww. [ Laughter ] -At the end of Pelosi's press conference, a reporter asked if she hated Trump. And she was not having that question at all. Take a look. -Do you hate the President, Madame Speaker? Because representing -- -I don't -- I don't hate anybody. I resent your using the word "hate" in a sentence that addresses me. Don't mess with me when it comes to words like that. [ Audience cheers ] -Trump saw that and then a little bit of pee ran down his leg. [ Laughter ] I love that. That was great. Tonight at the White House, Trump lit the national Christmas tree. That's right. Of course, Trump refused to light it until the crowd admitted the call with Ukraine was perfect. "Just say it. Just say it was perfect. Or else I won't plug these two in, ever. The male plug and the female plug. They won't have electrical intercourse unless you say --" [ Laughter ] If you want to watch the national Christmas tree lighting, it will be televised in four days on the Ovation Channel and Reelz. [ Laughter ] No offense, but you can find the whistleblower faster than you can find the Ovation Channel and Reelz. [ Laughter ] "Is that channel 36125.3? Okay." [ Laughter ] Well, this is getting a lot of attention. Joe Biden just released a new campaign ad that includes the footage of world leaders mocking Trump. That was fast. That's like when a team wins the Super Bowl and there's instantly a commercial to buy their Super Bowl merchandise. It's like, "Hey, that just happened. How did you know?" Yep, Biden has called Trump the laughingstock of the world. When he heard that, Rudy Giuliani had to change his Twitter bio. [ Laughter ] Speaking of Biden, he just said that he would consider Kamala Harris as a potential running mate. Yeah, Joe said that when it comes to finding a mate, he's gonna take it on a taste by taste basis. [ Laughter ] Hey, have you guys seen that Peloton commercial? The husband gives his wife an exercise bike for Christmas. Well, Peloton just released a statement saying that they stand behind that ad. A company spokesman said, "Our holiday commercial was inspired by all the stories we hear about people's lives changing after getting a Peloton bike. We're always looking to celebrate customers' fitness journey." They went on. He said, "Heck, I'm getting my own wife an exercise bike for Christmas. Not that you need it, honey. Ha, ha, ha, ha." [ Laughter ] Then he added, "For real, though. I got to step my game gift up after last year. She really didn't like that scale I got her." [ Laughter ] "Just trying to give her something she didn't already have." [ Laughter ] Then they said, "But I'll admit that Spanx were a bad gift. That one's on me. That one's on me. I saw them at the store. I didn't know that they were for hiding tummies. Not that my wife even has a tummy, which I wouldn't care about if she did." And finally, they said, "Anyways, I'm sure my wife will love the Peloton bike I'm getting her this year. She and her new boyfriend have tons of room at their place. They'll love it." [ Cheers and applause ] Happy holidays. Happy holidays to everyone. Listen to this. There's a new restaurant in Malaysia that serves airline food. It's so authentic that while you're waiting to order, they slam a drink cart into your knee. [ Laughter ] And get this. At an art fair in Miami, a banana that's duct-taped to a wall just sold for $120,000. It's crazy. You can get that same banana at Whole Foods for just $110,000. [ Laughter ] $120,000 for a banana taped to a wall? But this is nice. The buyer also got a certificate authenticating that they're a moron. [ Light laughter ] [ Rim shot ] You didn't like that joke because why? Why? -Why? -Is it because you think that the seller's a moron or the -- or it just didn't read right? [ Laughter ] What was the joke again? I thought it was funny. [ Laughter ] You got $100,000 -- $120,000 they bought a banana, yeah? -Right. -Okay. -Taped to a wall. -This is nice. Also, the buyer also gets a certificate authenticating that they are officially a moron. [ Laughter ] Sorry, I just added the word "official." -That's a good joke. -Well, if it's a good joke, then why is no one laughing at it? -Well, they can't all be winners. -What? -They can't all be winners. -Yeah, but you just said it was a good joke. -It is a good joke. Hey, man, "Shawshank Redemption" didn't make any money at its first release, man. [ Laughter ] You know what I'm saying? "Shawshank Redemption" is a good movie. -No. That's a bad analogy. That got as many laughs as the joke did. [ Laughter ] [ Rim shot ] Anyway, I'm gonna hang the banana in my living room. -Oh, it's beautiful. [ Laughter ] -It's a beautiful -- [ Cheers and applause ] A beautiful piece of art. You don't know me! You don't know me! And finally, I don't know about this. I just saw that a man just got a tattoo of baby Yoda drinking a White Claw. Check this out. This is real. [ Laughter ] When he saw that, even the guy with the tattoo of a furby drinking crystal Pepsi was like, "That's not gonna age well." We have a great show.