♪

(Cues: Invader - Jim Johnston)

Today we're pitting two of the most worthless damsels in distress against each other.

Boomstick: If they're not getting kidnapped, they're always nagging at you to do stuff.

Wiz: Princess Zelda, from the realm of Hyrule.

Boomstick: And Princess Peach, of the Mushroom Kingdom.

Wiz: I'm Wiz and he's Boomstick, and it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a DEATH BATTLE.

Being a descendent of the house of Hyrule, Princess Zelda has spent her entire life governing her kingdom.

Despite having a king, the majority of royal decisions are actually made by her.

Boomstick: Talk about a control freak.

And why do they let her get away with it?

I mean, she's lost her kingdom to the forces of evil more times than I can count!

Wiz: Between being waited on hand and foot, Zelda has spent some time training with her modest arsenal.

Boomstick: Bows, magic, musical instruments.

She even carries a sword and dagger, but has little experience with them.

Her weapon of choice is bow, which she wields with deadly accuracy.

Plus, she can use her magic to turn an ordinary arrow to the powerful Light Arrow, perfect for killing evil.

Wiz: Speaking of which, Zelda is an incredibly potent spellcaster.

While most of her magic is for use outside of combat, she is more than capable of holding her own.

She can teleport with Farore's Wind, shield herself with Nayru's Love, and cast pyrokinetic projectiles with Din's Fire.

Boomstick: Also, she can talk... with dead people.

Wiz: Spirits.

Boomstick: Like Boos?

Wiz: Zelda is also the bearer of the legendary Triforce of Wisdom, a testament to her astute mind.

This greatly enhances her magical prowess and gives her the power to dispel evil.

She is even skilled enough to create long-lasting disguises.

She used the guise of Shiek to evade Ganon's tyranny for over seven years.

Boomstick: Wait, that's a chick??

But where's her...um...

Wiz: It SHOULD be noted however that the forms of Sheik and Tetra are nothing more than disguises, and abilities attributed to them would naturally be available to Zelda.

Boomstick: Yeah, but why would you want to toss tiny needles at people when you can shoot fireballs with your mind?

Wiz: Well Zelda is clever, mystically powerful, and helps battle Ganon when necessary, she repeatedly relies on the aid of others.

Her success at avoiding capture can be largely attributed to her guardians and sanctuaries.

Boomstick: She's really good at getting other people to do stuff for her.

Wiz: Right, she is a master manipulator.

She can always convince a naive young hero to do her dirty work for her with little to no reward.

Boomstick: How many times does this guy have to save you? Put out already!

Link: You called for a hero, princess?

Zelda: Yes! But I guess you'll have to do.

(Cues: SSBM - Princess Peach's Castle)

Wiz: At first glance, Princess Peach appears to be your standard meek and helpless damsel-in-distress.

Boomstick: And that's pretty damn accurate.

Being a member of the Royal Toadstool family, Peach spends most of her time getting herself kidnapped, or baking cakes in the kitchen like any good woman should.

Wiz: Despite being a wealthy princess with a royal guard more than capable of defending the castle, she has been kidnapped over a dozen times.

Boomstick: Yet somehow, while still behind bars, she can send mail to Mario through outer space containing items and extra lives.

Hey lady, next time, just send yourself!

Wiz: Peach is an extremely athletic and capable fighter.

She has participated in a variety of different sports, including soccer, basketball, and kart racing, and has survived every single Mario Party.

And as we've said before, Mario Party is no walking the park.

Boomstick: Peach's unique array of weaponry includes a tennis racket, golf club, frying pan, and turnips!

Which she can apparently pull out of her...

Wiz: She ALSO wields Perry the Parasol, an umbrella capable of powerful strikes and magical properties.

Boomstick: Oh, and one of her most valuable weapons is her @$$!

She can hit someone with that thing so hard that something down there explodes.

(Cues: Mario Strikers Charged - Peach's Theme)

Wiz: Peach also wields a form of magic called Heart Power.

With it, she can float in midair for an indefinite period of time, cast healing spells, and summon lambs from the sky to put her foes to sleep.

Boomstick: Don't pet that sheep, or you might wake up in a stranger's van.

Wiz: And ever since being touched by the Vibe Scepter, she can channel her emotions into raw mystic power.

When she rages, she becomes invulnerable but slows tremendously.

Boomstick: Hold up! Touched by the WHAT NOW??!!

Wiz: The Vibe Scepter.

Boomstick: (laughs)

(laughs) Wiz: Oh.... (clears throat)

But Peach's magic reaches its climax with-

Boomstick: (laughing uncontrollably)

Wiz: With her Mega Strike technique, Empress Peach, a kick so powerful, it splits a soccer ball into three separate ones, delivering enough force to score three times.

Boomstick: (continues laughing) STOP! I CAN'T TALK!

Wiz: Peach's Heart Power also naturally dispels evil magics, which is the actual reason why Bowser always kidnaps her.

Boomstick: Really?

I thought it was because of... well...

Wiz: Peach has assisted Mario in battles several times, once even saving him from Bowser on her own.

Even so, she still needs rescuing on a daily basis, and her gratitude usually only goes as far as a kiss and a cake.

Boomstick: What's with all these princesses not puttin' out? Give it up already!

Peach: Listen everybody!

Let's bake a delicious cake... for Mario.

Wiz: All right the combatants are set!

Let's end this debate once and for all!

Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BA--

Wiz: No, wait wait wait we gotta do an ad.

Boomstick: WHAT!?

Wiz: Want some great apparel brands but don't have the cash.

Boomstick: I knew I shouldn't have spent all my money on my famous mustache collection.

Wiz: With Jackthreads you can get deals up to 80% off every day.

Jackthreads is an invite exclusive deal in your in.

Boomstick: Go to Jacktreads.com/Battle for instant access.

Wiz: And did i mention that it's free!?

Boomstick: No.

Wiz: Well it is.

Boomstick: Well great now I get mustaches and apparel.

I'm gonna check that out right after a DEATH BATTLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

Announcer: FIGHT!

(Cues: Mario Strikers Charged - Peach's Theme)

Peach: Alright!

Zelda: (screams)

Peach: Did I win?

Announcer: K.O.!

(Cues: Super Mario RPG - Forest Maze) Boomstick: GOOOOOAAAL!!!

Wiz: Zelda's offensive arsenal is relatively limited and predictable compared to Peach's quirky repertoire.

Boomstick: And while most of Peach's attacks aren't fatal, the Mega Strike, Empress Peach, gave her a leg up.

Wiz: See, a soccer ball is typically a kept add up to 12 psi, but since Peach's Mega Strike creates 2 more, it has enough force to add up to 24 pounds per square inch, or about 165,000 newtons per square meter.

As 1,000 newtons can cause decapitation and 15 psi can shatter the human skull, the Mega Strike is so over-excessive it didn't just kill Zelda, it obliterated her.

Boomstick: She kicked her in the face really hard and it went boom.

Wiz: Yeah, in layman's terms, I guess...

Boomstick: Peach sure fleeced Zelda in this fight.

Wiz: The winner is: Princess Peach.

Boomstick: Thanks for watchin'! Now watch more I command you.

Click the link in front of you and view more DEATH BATTLE.

Wiz: And be sure to subscribe to us here and check out more awesome content over at Screwattack.com

Have a suggestion for a future DEATH BATTLE? Leave in the comments below.

Boomstick: Special thanks to Lang for the badass animation.

Wiz: To see more of Lang's work just click in the description below.

Boomstick: Thanks for watchin'!