HAPPY DAY AFTER DAYLIGHT SAVING

DAY.

HOW ARE YOU HOLDING UP FOR THAT?

EVERYONE ALL RIGHT?

YESTERDAY MORNING WAS OUR ANNUAL

REMINDER THAT WE AREN'T AS SMART

AS OUR MICROWAVE OVENS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

GUILLERMO HAD A BIG WEEK.

AND CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU,

GUILLERMO.

>> Guillermo: OH, THANK YOU,

JIMMY.

>> Jimmy: YOU'RE WELCOME.

NOW, THIS IS FROM A HORSE RACE

IN TAMPA BAY ON SATURDAY.

AND IT WOULD SEEM THAT WE HAVE A

WINNER IN OUR MIDST.

>> KING GUILLERMO NOW GOING TO

THE LEAD.

INSIDE THE FINAL FURLONG, DO YOU

BELIEVE THIS?

KING GUILLERMO.

HE WINS IMPRESSIVELY.

>> LOOK, I'M A JOCKEY!

>> Jimmy: I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE

RACING.

WHAT'S YOUR HORSE'S NAME,

GUILLERMO?

>> PEPE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jimmy: PEPE.

IT'S ALSO HIS DOG'S NAME

COINCIDENTALLY.

THE CORONAVIRUS -- THIS

CORONAVIRUS IS ALL I HEAR ABOUT

FROM -- WHOO?

[ LAUGHTER ]

PEOPLE ARE SELLING OFF STOCKS

AND BUYING UP TOILET PAPER.

AND IF YOU ARE BUYING UP TOILET

PAPER, I HAVE A QUESTION.

WHY ARE YOU BUYING UP TOILET

PAPER?

I THINK YOU'VE GOT THE BODY

UPSIDE DOWN BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE

CANCELING EVENTS.

THE SOUTH BY SOUTHWEST FESTIVAL

IN AUSTIN WAS CANCELED OVER THE

WEEKEND.

THERE'S TALK THEY MAY HOLD NBA

GAMES WITH NO FANS IN THE CROWD.

ITALY THE COUNTRY IS CLOSED.

FOR REAL.

I TRY TON GET TOO WORKED UP

ABOUT THIS SORT OF THING, BUT

THEN I SAW THIS HEADLINE OVER

THE WEEKEND, AND FOR ME NOW THIS

IS SERIOUS.

COSTCO IS PULLING THEIR FREE

SAMPLES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

TRUMP NEEDS TO SEND MIKE PENCE

TO COSTCO TO FIGURE THIS OUT

RIGHT NOW.

THIS IS ALSO SCARY NEWS FOR

COSTCO SHOPPERS.

THIS WAS FROM THE WEEKEND TOO.

O.J. POSTED, "CORONAVIRUS?

WHO'S AFRAID?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T KNOW.

ARE THOSE TWO SEPARATE QUESTIONS

OR ONE?

BECAUSE WHENEVER YOU'RE OUT IN A

MASK WE'RE AFRAID, ALL OF US.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'VE BEEN DOING MY PART TO FIGHT

THE CORONAVIRUS.

THE VIRUS WE ARE TRYING TO

SPREAD IS CALLED THE ELBUMP.

THERE IT IS.

E-L-B-U-M-P.

WE BRANDED THIS LAST WEEK.

AND IT SEEMS TO BE CATCHING ON.

FOR INSTANCE ON KELLY AND RYAN,

THERE'S WHITNEY CUMMINGS DOING

THE ELBUMP VERY ELEGANTLY.

MIKE AND TONY FROM PARDON THE

INTERRUPTION.

DJIMON HOUNSOU.

COACH K AND ROY WILLIAMS.

EVEN VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE

IS PARTICIPATING.

PUT IT THERE, SOUL BROTHER.

KEEP DOING THAT.

JUST GET IN THE HABIT OF DOING

IT.

THE PRESIDENT PUBLICLY SEEMS

DETERMINED TO KEEP SHAKING

HANDS.

HE HAS SAID THAT AND THAT HE

WILL NOT CANCEL HIS RALLIES.

BUT A REPORT TODAY FROM "VANITY

FAIR" SAYS HE IS PRIVATELY

TERRIFIED ABOUT GETTING THE

VIRUS AND THINKS JOURNALISTS

WILL TRY TO PURPOSEFULLY

CONTRACT CORONAVIRUS TO GIVE IT

TO HIM ON AIR FORCE ONE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WELL, THAT DOESN'T SEEM PARANOID

AT ALL.

ON FRIDAY THE PRESIDENT SIGNED A

FUNDING BILL FROM CONGRESS TO

HELP COMBAT THE VIRUS.

AND REALLY PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT

HE SAYS HERE.

>> SO WE'RE SIGNING THE 8.3

BILLION.

I ASKED FOR 2 1/2, AND I GOT

8.3.

AND I'LL TAKE IT.

>> Jimmy: HE ONLY ASKED FOR

2 1/2 BILLION.

CONGRESS SAID WE AUTHORIZE 8.3

BILLION.

AND HE'S BRAGGING THAT HE WANTED

LESS?

I DON'T KNOW.

IT DOESN'T -- HE SOMEHOW FINDS A

WAY TO BRAG ABOUT EVERYTHING.

AND AT THE SIGNING SOMEBODY

ASKED HIM ABOUT ELIZABETH WARREN

AND WHETHER SEXISM PLAYED A ROLE

IN HER CAMPAIGN NOT WORKING OUT.

AND YOU'RE GOING TO BE SURPRISED

TO HEAR HE DOESN'T.

>> SHE DESTROYED MIKE BLOOMBERG

VERY QUICKLY.

LIKE IT WAS NOTHING.

IT WAS EASY FOR HER.

PEOPLE DON'T LIKE HER.

SHE'S A VERY MEAN PERSON.

AND PEOPLE DON'T LIKE HER.

PEOPLE DON'T WANT THAT.

THEY LIKE A PERSON LIKE ME,

THAT'S NOT MEAN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jimmy: SEE YOU, LOSERS.

I LIKE WHEN HE UNBUTTONS HIS

SHIRT A LITTLE.

TRUMP WAS UP BRIGHT AND EARLY

THIS MORNING TRYING TO DOWNPLAY

THE VIRUS.

HE WROTE, "SO LAST YEAR 37,000

AMERICANS DIED FROM THE COMMON

FLU.

IT AVERAGES BETWEEN 27,000 AND

70,000 PER YEAR.

NOTHING IS SHUT DOWN.

LIFE AND THE ECONOMY GO ON.

AT THIS MOMENT THERE ARE 546

CONFIRMED CASES OF CORONAVIRUS

WITH 22 DEATHS.

THINK ABOUT THAT."

NO, YOU THINK ABOUT THAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S PRESIDENT.

546 AND 22 DEATHS IS NOT GOOD

NEWS.

IF YOU FOUND OUT 546 OF YOUR

FRIENDS WERE ON TIK TOK YOU

WOULDN'T BE LIKE, OKAY, WELL,

GLAD -- THANK GOD THAT'S OVER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE PRESIDENT STOPPED BY CDC

HEADQUARTERS ON FRIDAY.

THAT IS THE CENTER FOR DISEASE

CONTROL.

TO EXPLAIN TO THE EXPERTS WHO

ARE WORKING ON THE VIRUS THAT

HE'S AN EXPERT TOO.

>> I LIKE THIS GUY.

YOU KNOW, MY UNCLE IS A GREAT

PERSON.

HE WAS AT M.I.T.

I TAUGHT AT M.I.T. FOR I THINK

LIKE A RECORD NUMBER OF YEARS.

HE WAS A GREAT SUPER GENIUS.

DR. JOHN TRUMP.

I LIKE THIS STUFF.

I REALLY GET IT.

THEY'RE SURPRISED THAT I

UNDERSTAND.

EVERY ONE OF THESE DOCTORS SAID

HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT

THIS?

MAYBE I HAVE A NATURAL ABILITY.

MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT

INSTEAD OF RUNNING FOR

PRESIDENT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jimmy: YEAH.

I AGREE WITH THAT.

THEY'VE ALL THE NOBEL PRIZES YOU

WOULD HAVE WON BY NOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

EVERYONE RELAX.

TRUMP'S UNCLE WAS A SUPER

GENIUS.

THE PRESIDENT THEN TREATED THESE

HEALTH OFFICIALS TO ANOTHER

HELPING OF HUMILITY.

WATCH THE GUY ON THE RIGHT HERE.

THIS IS DR. STEVE MONROE.

HE'S ONE OF THE TOP EXPERTS ON

LAB SCIENCE AND SAFETY IN THE

WORLD.

AND WATCH HIS FACE AS THE

PRESIDENT SPEAKS.

>> THEY'RE MAKING MILLIONS OF

MORE AS WE SPEAK.

BUT AS OF RIGHT NOW AND

YESTERDAY ANYBODY THAT NEEDS A

TEST -- THAT'S THE IMPORTANT

THING.

AND THE TESTS ARE ALL PERFECT.

LIKE THE LETTER WAS PERFECT.

THE TRANSCRIPTION WAS PERFECT.

THIS WAS NOT AS PERFECT AS THAT

BUT PRETTY GOOD.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Jimmy: THAT'S A LOOK OF SOME

KIND OF A MIX BETWEEN I WISH I

WAS DEAD AND OH, MY GOD, WE'RE

ACTUALLY GOING TO BE DEAD.

BUT THE TESTS ARE PERFECT.

EVERYTHING'S PERFECT.

THAT'S WHY TRUMP FIRED HIS CHIEF

OF STAFF OVER THE WEEKEND.

HE WAS TOO PERFECT.

MICK MULVANEY, TRUMP'S FOURTH

CHIEF OF STAFF IN THREE YEARS,

IS OUT.

HE'LL BE REPLACED BY CONGRESSMAN

MARK MEADOWS.

MICK MULVANEY, NOW MARK MEADOWS.

HE'S WORKING HIS WAY THROUGH THE

Ms.

KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED,

MATTHEW MODINE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MEANWHILE, TRUMP WAS APPARENTLY

UPSET THAT MULVANEY WENT TO

VEGAS DURING THIS CORONA

EMERGENCY.

WHICH WOULD MAKE HIMSELF IF HE

HIMSELF HADN'T BEEN UPSET FROM

HIS VACATION HOME IN FLORIDA,

WHERE HE WENT DURING THE

EMERGENCY.

NOW, EFFORTS ARE BEING MADE TO

SLOW THE VIRUS ON A LOCAL LEVEL.

THE MAYOR OF NEW YORK, BILL DE

BLASIO, IS URGING NEW YORKERS TO

STAY INDOORS AND STAY OFF THE

SUBWAY.

BASICALLY THE MAYOR IS TELLING

NEW YORKERS TO AVOID NEW YORK AT

ALL COSTS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

DE BLASIO ALSO SAID NEW YORKERS

SHOULD REFRAIN FROM SHAKING

HANDS, WHICH THAT ONE SHOULDN'T

BE A PROBLEM.

MOST NEW YORKERS DON'T EVEN LIKE

TO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ONE

ANOTHER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT THIS REPORT TO ME IT SHINES

A LIGHT ON HOW THE CORONAVIRUS

IS BEING RECEIVED IN THE BIG

APPLE.

>> I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING

DIFFERENT.

I STILL WASH MY HANDS WHEN I GO

EAT OR GO OUT.

AND I STILL WASH UP.

>> I'M WASHING MY HANDS FOR AT

LEAST 20 SECONDS.

OFTEN.

>> I'M WASHING MY HANDS MORE.

BUT NOT FOR 20 SECONDS.

I DON'T HAVE THE PATIENCE FOR

THAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jimmy: BUT SHE DID HAVE THE

PATIENCE TO TIE THAT SCARF INTO

SIX GIANT KNOTS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS SAY BE

PATIENT OR BE A PATIENT.

IT'S BEEN MY MOTTO SINCE 1973.

THIS IS INTERESTING.

SENATOR TED CRUZ ANNOUNCED

YESTERDAY HE'S PLACED HIMSELF

UNDER SELF-QUARANTINE BECAUSE OF

THE VIRUS.