Yeah.

So, she sent me...she sent me like this picture of her.

She said "Currently on an IV", I said "Geez", and she said "Did a flu swab on me? I have pneumonia"

I said "From vaping those weed pens. Hope you don't have that vaping disease."

She said "No, I don't, it's pneumonia and I'm done with pens"

And then...

My dad called me that she was in surgery on Friday...

Emergency surgery, I...

And it wasn't looking good.

I texted her: "I love you" and, and she died before she could read that.

So...three months later, we got the autopsy report back and it was associated with electronic cigarette use.

I do have one from my mom...who passed away, um... August 31st 2019.

Actually, I don't know what it was regarding, she just messaged me randomly.

She said "We need to talk" and for some reason like I'd seen it, but I didn't respond and I said the next day, "yes".

So, I... don't know what it was about, but me and my mom, we don't really have the best relationship.

We didn't, um, she was... heavily involved in like drug and alcohol, so she couldn't take care of me and she was... she gave me to my grandparents really to, you know, raise me and I was just so bitter and so like frustrated and so like "Why would you do that? I'm your son."

Let me get it, um...

So...

Um...it's from my best friend, and I said "Yo so why'd you deactivate? I was gonna ask you if you wanted to come live with me in Idaho or at least stay here for a while."

Umm...and she said "I would love that why the sudden ask?"

"I don't know, honestly, it would just be fun if you came here."

Yeah, she passed away 20 days after that.

In the end, it was because she uh c-committed suicide.

My-my friend Stan, I mean, I don't know if I had anything to do with him being Hawaiian but he's just the most chill, laid-back dude.

Early last year, he was uh, yeah, he'd like Stage four lymphoma.

And I said, "How are you feeling Stan?"

And he says "I'm doing well, I'm going to stay one more day. I have an appointment tomorrow with my oncologist thank you for praying for me. God is good."

"Try to comfort your mom for she's under a lot of stress." - "Sounds good Stan. I will be here for my mom as well. Thank you for caring for her, we'll continue to pray for you."

And he said "Thanks."

We're at the hospital with him literally as he was taking his last breaths, and I was like "You're about to go home right now", you know and, and I was just like "Man, I'm excited for you."

I, remember after she died, I called my sister umm...

She was at the hospital and I remember telling her like "Oh my god, I don't remember the last time I told my mom I love you", and she said "Me either."

So, I would really love to tell her that again.

[Do you talk a lot with your sister?]

Definitely a lot more now and I call them and I text them way more often, obviously.

Since I didn't really get to talk to my mom too much and I really regret that now, but yeah, I call them like every week.

I still send messages to her on Instagram because...her family didn't deactivate the account.

"I miss you. I feel so alone without you."

"I don't know what I'm doing."

...And then I said "Why didn't you say goodbye before you left?", and then another message was..."I love you."

Sorry...

She was sending like messages, like audio messages and... I'll just play one cuz...I don't know, see...

I wanna tell you, that...umm, I'll be done with school in about 12 months...so, then I get my license.

So that is the doctor, and the therapist.

So, one more year...that's it.

Just hold on...but, you can see me in 25, if you need to.

Just be consistent...Love you, son.

(exhales deeply)

And that's...that's the last time I heard her voice, and...It was, I don't know...I found out that she passed away the day of and everything just like...came at once like, the regret.

I just feel like, I should have like...done way more than I did and this sucks because I can never physically say I'm sorry.

You know, just apologize for just ignoring you for so many years and...just not...understanding your story.

Like I-I'm pretty sure she understand mine.

My dad...had to go in for like an emergency surgery over like his two years of having cancer, he eventually like lost his ability to speak.

And...so the main way we like communicated was through text or like through writing and it was a really tough transition home.

We were like trying to get him settled in to his house and his room knowing that like eventually that was where he was gonna be until he passed and then he finally was like awake so I popped into his room just to say like "Hey, like, I'm leaving now."

So...as I was leaving, he texted me and he said "Hi Taylor, thank you for being there for me. It means a lot to me. love you."

And he's...my dad is never like super affectionate.

So, yeah, I think like him...For me, like knowing that he...went out of his way to like text that to me and...was appreciative that I was there, was really touching to me.

He knew that his time was short and I knew, so yeah that text means a lot to me.