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  • -Hello, everyone, and welcome back to the attic.

  • I've been sittin' here for about a half an hour,

  • waiting for my neighbor to stop mowing his lawn,

  • but don't worry. I've been passing the time

  • trying to remember how much we paid

  • for the tiny chair behind me, which, to my knowledge,

  • neither of my children ever, ever use.

  • Because it turns out, toddlers rarely say,

  • "I don't know about you, but,

  • I need to take a load off."

  • Maybe I can get the dog to sit in it?

  • Maybe that would be cute and I could Instagram it

  • or you could Instagram it.

  • Truth is, I think the chair is useless.

  • Speaking of useless, that whole thing was a segue.

  • The Trump administration understands

  • the importance of testing to safely reopen the economy,

  • because they're testing themselves.

  • They just don't care about testing you.

  • For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."

  • [ Suspenseful theme plays ]

  • Donald Trump doesn't just lie about the big things.

  • He also lies compulsively

  • about the smallest, dumbest things,

  • like how many people were at his inauguration

  • or who drew a circle on a hurricane map

  • or whether he's ever even met Eric and Don Jr.

  • "I'm sorry. I'm not acquainted

  • with these two charming business lizards."

  • And the lies about the small stuff

  • are red flags for the lies about the big stuff.

  • For example, Trump visited a Honeywell factory

  • in Arizona Tuesday, where they were making masks.

  • You might remember the trip from this indelible image

  • of Trump inspecting the masks

  • while "Live and Let Die" blasted in the background.

  • [ "Live and Let Die" plays ] -The material

  • that traps the particulates --

  • [ Drowning out speaker ] -♪ Live and let die

  • ♪♪

  • -My favorite part of that clip is how oblivious Trump is

  • to what's going on around him.

  • He's just nodding and pointing at a mask

  • like a tourist at a museum that's on fire.

  • "They say she has that smile

  • because she likes the smell of smoke."

  • But you might notice, based on seeing his whole face,

  • that he is not, in fact, wearing a mask

  • and, yet, when he spoke to reporters on Wednesday,

  • he insisted he did, in fact, wear a mask.

  • -Mr. President, yesterday, you went to Arizona

  • and you had said, before the trip,

  • that you would likely wear a mask at the mask factory.

  • You ended up not wearing one.

  • -Well, I actually did have one, no.

  • I put a mask on, yeah.

  • I had a mask on for a period of time.

  • -We didn't see you with a mask on.

  • -Well, I can't help it if you didn't see me.

  • I mean, I had a mask on, but I didn't need it.

  • But I did put a mask on

  • and it was a Honeywell mask, actually.

  • And I also had a 3M mask and I had about four other masks.

  • But I did have it on. I don't know if you saw it or not,

  • but I had it on. -How long did you have it on for?

  • -Not too long, but I had it on.

  • I had it on backstage.

  • -Okay. First of all, it's a factory.

  • [ Laughing ] There's not a backstage.

  • "Let's give those machines

  • everything they've bargained for, boys!"

  • [ Laughing ] Also, to Trump, everything's a beauty pageant.

  • He was probably expecting the machinists to be wearing sashes.

  • "Hi, I'm Ted from Tucson and, well,

  • I guess my talent is -- [ Mumbling ] I don't know.

  • Makin' masks."

  • [ As Trump ] Very good, Ted. Now, do a twirl.

  • Okay. And, now,

  • can we see the swimsuit portion of the factory?

  • Is that nearby?

  • Second, what do you mean,

  • you can't help it if we didn't see you?

  • We saw you. You weren't wearing a mask.

  • You were wearing goggles, which is notable

  • because it's very weird to see a renowned moron like Trump

  • wearing something a scientist wears in a lab.

  • It's like watching a dog use a calculator.

  • [ Thumping ]

  • [ As dog ] [ Grumbles ]

  • Well, there's something much more revealing

  • about this episode than just the fact

  • that the president is a compulsive liar.

  • Trump didn't need to wear a mask

  • because he and all the people around him

  • have been tested for coronavirus,

  • which is obviously quite the luxury,

  • a luxury most Americans don't have.

  • White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany

  • was asked why ordinary Americans

  • don't deserve the same access to testing

  • that government officials and corporate executives get

  • and she mocked the idea of widespread testing as absurd.

  • -You said, at Honeywell, that the president was told

  • by the folks at Honeywell, as was the team,

  • that they didn't need to wear masks.

  • The reason he was told that is because

  • the people who would be interacting with him

  • had all been tested and had been shown to be negative

  • before that took place, I guess.

  • So, the president had those circumstances.

  • Obviously, he's the president, but why shouldn't all Americans

  • who go back to work

  • be able to get a test before they do it,

  • to feel comfortable in their own work environment,

  • to be interacting with other individuals?

  • -Yeah, well, let's dismiss a myth about tests right now.

  • If we tested every single American

  • in this country at this moment,

  • we'd have to retest them an hour later

  • and then an hour later after that because,

  • at any moment, you could theoretically

  • contract this virus, so the notion that

  • everyone needs to be tested is just simply nonsensical.

  • -Oh, good point.

  • Maybe we should also stop providing food, too,

  • because people will eat a meal and then, four hours later,

  • they're just gonna eat another meal.

  • Or under quarantine 20 minutes later.

  • But listen to what she's saying there.

  • She's saying you don't need to be tested to go back to work,

  • but the president and everyone around him need to get tested

  • so he can go back to work safely

  • and freely engage in all his favorite hobbies,

  • like shakin' hands

  • and touchin' his face,

  • coughin' onto other people,

  • and licking chip dust off doorknobs.

  • [ As Trump ] Did somebody eat Cheetos?

  • There's a real Cheeto vibe from the doorknob.

  • That's what this is all about.

  • They just wanna protect themselves,

  • while telling you that you need to be a warrior

  • and get back out there

  • to get the economy going, fires be damned.

  • They're all Billy Zane from "Titanic,"

  • shoving themselves through the crowd

  • to get onto a lifeboat, while the rest of us float

  • in frigid waters and cling to a door

  • that Rose probably coulda let us in on,

  • because, you know, there's clearly enough room.

  • It's like, "Oh, I'm sorry. Is this a business class door?

  • Did you pay for more leg room?"

  • I know. I'm sorry, Rose. I know.

  • You've been through a lot. But I digress.

  • The point is, they're lookin' out for themselves, not you.

  • That's why they're testing themselves

  • and stuffing bailout money into the pockets

  • of big corporations and the wealthy.

  • In fact, today, it was reported

  • that the CDC had even written guidelines for safely reopening,

  • but the White House buried them.

  • The Trump administration has shelved the document,

  • created by the nation's top disease investigators,

  • with step-by-step advice to local authorities

  • on how and when to reopen restaurants

  • and other public places

  • during the still-raging coronavirus outbreak.

  • That's right, the CDC wrote a plan

  • for safely reopening the economy

  • and the Trump administration covered it up.

  • Basically, they did to the CDC plan

  • what Dr. Fauci does to his face during Trump's briefings.

  • [ As Trump ] Oh, that's a good idea, Fauci.

  • I didn't know you could use your hand as a mask.

  • [ Whispering ] Jared! Jared!

  • Get me a patent for hand masks.

  • That way, the next time Fauci does it,

  • he'll have to pay me and I can keep makin' him do it

  • and he'll keep having to make him pay me.

  • Ohhh! We're gonna ruin him, Jared!

  • Ohh, we're gonna ruin Fauci!

  • [ Raises voice ] Oh, hi, Fauci!

  • Oh, we were just talking about you.

  • Weren't we, Jared?

  • [ Whispering ] Jared, I'm winking.

  • Jared!

  • In fact, Trump even said this week

  • he doesn't think we need that much testing,

  • in order to get people back into the workforce safely.

  • -Look, we have so much testing.

  • I don't think you need that kind of testing, that much testing,

  • but some people disagree with me.

  • Some people agree with me.

  • -No! No one agrees with you.

  • I haven't seen one public health official say,

  • "You know what? Testing is overrated."

  • The importance of widespread testing

  • is like the one thing they all agree on.

  • If you watch the news, you will hear the word testing enough

  • to have nightmares about being back in high school.

  • Last night, I woke up in a cold sweat

  • and yelled at my wife, "Honey!

  • I'm late for the PSATs!

  • Give me a practice test. I need to cram!"

  • Or stuff. It's a synonym.

  • Thanks, Kaplan!

  • Of course, Trump doesn't understand tests

  • because he's never taken one without cheating.

  • In college, he just handed in blank essays

  • with a wad of cash clipped to them

  • and a note that said, "From Fred Trump."

  • So, Trump doesn't think we need that much testing

  • or, at least, he doesn't think you need that much testing.

  • He and everyone around him, of course,

  • have a completely different standard.

  • -Everybody traveling has been tested.

  • We have great testing

  • and, literally, they've been tested over the last hour

  • and the test result comes back in five minutes.

  • We have great testing, or they wouldn't be allowed

  • to travel with me, so they're all tested,

  • everybody traveling on the plane.

  • -Oh, I see. So, ordinary Americans

  • being forced back to work can't get tested,

  • but you and everyone around you can.

  • Look, I get that he's the president

  • and he's gonna get tested before everyone else.

  • In fact, depending on what the test is for,

  • I'd be fine with it.

  • I think everyone should have access to COVID tests,

  • but I'd be okay with Trump getting a regular CAT Stan

  • before he talks to the press.

  • Mr. President, it looks like you have

  • what we in the medical profession call

  • pancake brain.

  • But the point is not that the president shouldn't get tested.

  • It's that, if he wants to force working people back

  • into the economy prematurely

  • in the middle of a deadly pandemic,

  • he should make sure everyone else can get tested, too.

  • But Trump doesn't actually care about that.

  • In fact, he went to the Honeywell factory without a mask

  • to create the illusion that everything is fine.

  • We can all get back to normal.

  • Because, as a showman,

  • there's nothing Trump loves more than a photo op, or a prop.

  • Like the time he made a big deal of personally redesigning

  • the color scheme of Air Force One.

  • You know, important president stuff.

  • And had a giant model of the newer airplane

  • conspicuously placed on a table

  • in the Oval Office during a meeting

  • with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

  • Did you actually have a federal employee

  • make you a toy airplane, just so you could show it off

  • to a friend? What's next, are you gonna