an article over the weekend

about an invasive species

of venomous hornet

that has been discovered in the United States

called the Asian giant hornet,

which can grow up to two inches in length

and are commonly referred to as a "murder hornet."

Which brings us to a segment called "Not Now."

[ Suspenseful theme plays ]

♪♪

Not now, murder hornets.

We're already terrified to go outside.

The last thing we need to worry about,

after a stressful afternoon

of dodging other people's breath at the grocery store

is getting murdered in our own driveway

by some nightmare insect,

while clutching the single roll of toilet paper

we bought for $20.

Just not now.

The only thing you're going to accomplish

is making a few members of Congress rich

when they announce that the insect panic is overblown

and then secretly shift their entire investment portfolio

into whatever company makes

Raid Super Spray Murder Hornet Strength.

Not now!

If we wanted giant winged beasts to terrify us from the sky,

we'd wait for the Blue Angels

to scream over New York again without warning.

Oh!

God, we do appreciate the tribute, it's just --

it's a lot.

Not now.

We're already battling a pandemic

and you're coming in as hot as some sort of double plague.

Murder and hornets?

I mean, give us a break.

Even in the Bible, it was just locusts,

not acid locusts.

Not now.

The only time I ever wanna see something

called a murder hornet

is if it's a Syfy original movie

starring Paris Hilton and Ian Ziering.

In that case, bring it on, because

I am completely out of things to watch.

I would watch that movie and then I would watch

the documentary about the making of that movie.

Also, not now, because we don't have the leadership in place

to defend ourselves against you.

Trump will just claim you're a hoax

cooked up by the Democrats

and deny that you even exist until you've carried

half the population of New York back to your hives.

Look, you deserve so much more than I can give you right now.

It's not you. It's me. I'm panicked out.

There's a deadly virus sweeping the nation,

the president isn't doing anything about it,

paramilitary LARPers are threatening our governors,

and we can't get a [bleep] jogger to put on a goddamn mask.

So, please, murder hornets,

unless your stingers are full of coronavirus vaccine,

not now.

This has been "Not Now."

♪♪