字幕表 動画を再生する 英語字幕をプリント -Welcome to "Late Night"! How's everybody doin'? My wife and I have run out of things to talk about, so I've just started makin' stuff up. If she asks, I was on "Degrassi." Anyway, let's get to the news. President Trump visited Phoenix today and was joined on Air Force One by Arizona Senator Martha McSally, which is pretty much the answer you'd expect to the question, "Who's crazy enough to get on a plane right now?" The New York Post interviewed President Trump yesterday in the Oval Office and Trump had a long list of his administration's accomplishments printed on his desk. Of course, the list was only long because he made the margins really wide. President Trump said in an interview yesterday that everybody enjoyed his White House coronavirus briefings. Everybody except, you know, scientists. President Trump said, in a new interview, that he believes everybody likes his coronavirus press briefings and prefers he be combative with reporters because that is, "More interesting than having boring questions asked." Oh, my God. Are you kidding? I wish we had a boring president right now, more than anything. I would vote for a Ken Burns documentary in the general election, if I could. President Trump criticized Congress yesterday for declining his offer to provide coronavirus tests so lawmakers could return to Capitol Hill and tweeted... Which is a little ironic, coming from a 73-year-old man tweeting in the middle of the workday. That's right, Trump criticized Congress for declining his offer to provide coronavirus tests so lawmakers could return to Capitol Hill. But, in their defense, the tests he offered aren't very accurate. [ As Trump ] Okay, now pick a color. Hillary Clinton is reportedly appearing at a virtual fundraising dinner for former Vice President Joe Biden later this month and tickets cost up to $50,000. Wow, imagine paying to sit through that Zoom call -- Hillary stuck on mute, Biden accidentally sharing his screen of a web search asking, "What is Zoom?" Actually, you know what? [ Laughing ] Yeah, I would. I'd pay to see that. CNN anchor Anderson Cooper revealed last week that he became a father to a baby boy and he's already so stressed out, his hair turned brown. That was my favorite one tonight. Singer Justin Bieber and his wife, Hailey Baldwin, yesterday launched a new documentary series about their lives. Said Americans, "Ah, alright." [ Laughing ] A large crowd gathered at an Atlanta mall over the weekend for a chance to buy the new Air Jordan sneakers, amid the coronavirus pandemic. Which proves that there's at least one thing Michael Jordan and his fans have in common -- a gambling problem. Carnival Cruise Line said yesterday that, despite the coronavirus pandemic, they plan to launch eight cruises in August. The cruises will stop in Puerto Vallarta, Cozumel, and then whatever country will take 3,000 sick people. This week is International Clitoris Awareness Week. It's true. Just look at your calendar. No, no, no, not there. No, just a little to the left. No, no, no. No, your left. Yeah -- Ugh. Just forget it. Forget it, David! A page of lyrics to a Beatles song, handwritten by Paul McCartney, will go up for auction next month and is expected to sell for up to $300,000. It would go for more, but, unfortunately, it's all the nah nah nah nah's from "Hey Jude." ♪ Nah nah nah nah ♪ Oh, can we clear that? And, finally, producers have announced that the actor Nicolas Cage will play "Tiger King" star Joe Exotic in a new miniseries and also, in real life for the last [ Laughing ] 40 years. That was the monologue.