-This is the story of how I, Donald J. Trump,

became the most perfect president

in the history of the United States,

even if the Democrats,

Never Trumpers, fake news,

and Constitution say otherwise.

It all started with my perfect inauguration,

with the biggest crowds ever recorded.

Just ask the crowd scientists.

-That's not exactly what we said.

-They gave the whole day a perfect 10,

which is also what I scored on my stable genius test.

-Can you find the lion?

-There! I found the lion.

-Perfect!

-Did I mention my perfect campaign promises?

Like building a big, beautiful wall

or starting a travel ban that keeps out immigrants

that aren't hot enough to marry. [ Camera shutter clicking ]

-Be best and hot.

-Unfortunately, the terrible midterms happened

and a bunch of very unattractive traitors

got elected to stop me.

-We don't want America to be great!

-Sad!

But joke's on them because I appointed

two Supreme Court justices who promised to find

everything I did perfect. -[ Slurring ] Cheers

to a perfect president.

[ Belch ] -And then, I started

a perfect trade war with China.

-Actually... -Which our farmers totally loved

after I explained it to them.

-Never mind!

-And I would end every perfect day

destroying my haters on Twitter.

-Breaking -- the president attacks a senator on Twitter

who died yesterday.

-So? That just means I get the last laugh. Perfect.

Everything was going great,

until some traitor in the White House spied

on my perfect phone call to the president of Ukraine

and said it was less than perfect,

just because I gossiped about Joe Biden.

That's when Nasty Nancy Pelosi

and Shifty Adam Schiff went on a total witch hunt.

-We're going to impeach you because we're jealous.

-And the trial will be very long,

and boring, with low ratings.

-But, luckily, the Senate acquitted me

because they actually read my perfect transcript

and also because I am innocent.

-Mr. President, you are hereby perfect again.

-So, now, I, alone, can get back to fixing America,

whether it be getting rid of low-energy toilets...

[ Flushing repeatedly ]

...or curing coronavirus with lots of medical.

You're welcome. -[ Coughing ]

-So, reelect me, America,

because I'm the perfect American president.

Or don't! I'll be getting help from WikiLeaks and Russia

without your dumb vote, anyway.

No collusion.

[ "Here's to the Chief" plays ]