LATE SHOW."

AND PLEASE SAY HELLO TO OUR FRIEND JON BATISTE.

JON, HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

>> I'M GOOD.

I'M A LITTLE HUNGRY.

I'M THINKING OF COOKING SOME RED BEANS AND RICE.

>> Stephen: WHOO!

>> Jon: YEAH.

>> Stephen: NOW, YOUR MOM'S RECIPE?

>> Jon: YEAH, EXACTLY.

MY MOM'S RECIPE, ONE OF THE PRODUCERS ON THE SHOW'S COOKED

UP A FEW AND I'M KIND OF GOING INTO A RED BEANS BATTLE WITH

HIM.

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO DRY ICE HIM MY PLATE.

>> Stephen: IT'S A RED BEAN THROWDOWN?

>> Jon: YEAH, THAT'S WHAT WE CALL IT, THE RED BEAN THROW

DOWN.

AND YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE THE RIGHT INGREDIENTS AND I JUST GOT THEM

SHIPPED IN, SO I'M ABOUT TO DO IT.

>> Stephen: GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

>> Jon: YES, YES.

>> Stephen: SAVE ME SOME.

>> Jon: OH, I WILL.

THEY MIGHT TURN BY THE TIME WE SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN, BUT I'LL

GET YOU NEXT TIME.

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.

JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.

YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME IN HERE MEASURING OUT THE FINEST

BARREL-AGED NEWS STORIES, TOSSING IN SOME HAND-BLENDED

AROMATIC BITTERS, THEN SHAKING AND STIRRING THEM INTO THE

UPSCALE HIPSTER APERITIF THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

BUT SOMETIMES -- SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO

BATHTUB WITH GRAIN ALCOHOL, STIR IN A HALF-FINISHED BOX OF

WELCH'S GRAPE JUICE AND A GLADE PLUG-IN, AND LET IT FESTER

A COUPLE WEEKS, TO CREATE THE RAIL-YARD HOOCH OF NEWS THAT IS

MY QUARANTINED MEANWHILE SEGMENT "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"

FILL MY.

♪ ♪

QUARANTINE-WHILE, EVEN THOUGH ALL OTHER SPORTS HAVE BEEN

SIDE-LINED, "SOMEHOW THE PANDEMIC HASN'T STOPPED SUMO

WRESTLING."

WELL, I BELIEVE MAKING THOSE MEN WRESTLE FOR THEIR ENTERTAINMENT

IS DANGEROUS AND IRRESPONSIBLE, AND JAPAN SHOULD GO BACK TO

SENSIBLE GAME SHOWS LIKE THIS.

( SHOUTING ) CRAZY WAY TO PICK A PRIME

MINISTER.

BUT I GUESS THEY HAVE TO LET THEM FIGHT.

IF THEY DON'T LET THEM OUT NOW AND THEN, THOSE SUMO WRESTLERS

MIGHT START STRESS EATING.

ONE MAJOR U.S. BOOKMAKER SAID "HIS COMPANY DECIDED TO ADD SUMO

WRESTLING TO ITS SPORTS BETTING OFFERINGS BECAUSE IT WAS ONE OF

THE FEW PROFESSIONAL LEAGUES STILL OPERATING."

GREAT.

SO YOUR CO-WORKER WHO WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT FANTASY FOOTBALL, NOW

WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT FANTASY SUMO.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW BAD FUJI-AZUMA SHANKED IT THIS

WEEKEND!

I SHOULD HAVE DRAFTED KAGAYAKI!

HE'S GOT A WAY BETTER OSHI-DASHI!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M FIRED?!" SO THE SUMO CONTINUES, BUT

WITHOUT A CROWD.

ONE FAN WATCHING THE MATCHES ON YOUTUBE FOUND THE EXPERIENCE

DIFFERENT, SAYING, "YOU COULD HEAR EVERYTHING.

YOU COULD HEAR THEM FART, YOU COULD HEAR GRUNTING, STUFF

YOU DON'T USUALLY HEAR."

YEAH, USUALLY TO HEAR FAT MEN FARTING AND GRUNTING WHILE

WATCHING SPORTS YOU HAVE TO GO TO A BUFFALO WILD WINGS.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, YESTERDAY MORNING, THERE WAS A FLYBY OF

EARTH BY THIS ASTEROID WHICH, OBSERVERS HAVE POINTED

OUT, HAS "FEATURES THAT MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THE ASTEROID

REMEMBERED TO WEAR A MASK."

PROVING ONCE AGAIN, EVEN A LIFELESS, FROZEN ROCK IS SMARTER

THAN MIKE PENCE.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, "IN WHAT MAY BE A MEDICAL FIRST, A WOMAN'S

SILICONE BREAST IMPLANTS HELPED DEFLECT A BULLET AND SAVE HER

LIFE."

SO STARTING NEXT YEAR, POLICE BULLETPROOF VESTS WILL BE

SLIGHTLY MODIFIED QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN MOON

NEWWWWWS, NASA HAS ANNOUNCED THEY WILL "SHOOT LASERS AT THE

MOON TO HELP FIND WATER."

OH, GREAT.

WHEN THIS IS OVER, YOU KNOW THEY'RE GONNA BE PUSHING IT ON

YOU IN RESTAURANTS.

"WOULD YOU LIKE TAP, SPARKLING, OR MOON?"

NASA'S PLAN IS TO CREATE "A SPACECRAFT THAT WILL USE ITS

NEAR-INFRARED LASERS TO SHINE LIGHT INTO SHADED POLAR

REGIONS ON THE MOON, WHILE AN ONBOARD REFLECTOMETER WILL

MEASURE SURFACE REFLECTION AND COMPOSITION."

WHICH SOUNDS VERY COMPLICATED, BUT NASA DID PROVIDE THIS

HELPFUL SIMULATION VIDEO OF THEIR MOON LASER:

( CRASHING SOUNDS ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, "CLOWNS,

JUGGLERS AND GYMNASTS IN A TRAVELING CIRCUS ARE STUCK IN A

TEXAS PARKING LOT AMID THE LOCKDOWN."

THAT'S TERRIBLE.

IT'S NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SOCIALLY DISTANCE IN A CAR WITH

50 OTHER CLOWNS.

"I SAID SIX FEET, WAFFLES!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, "THE FEDERAL

AVIATION ADMINISTRATION IS INVESTIGATING AN AIRCRAFT

INCIDENT AT HAWTHORNE AIRPORT LAST FRIDAY INVOLVING ACTOR

HARRISON FORD."

IT SEEMS FORD WAS "PILOTING A PLANE THAT CROSSED A RUNWAY WHEN

ANOTHER PLANE WAS TRYING TO LAND."

THIS IS NOTHING NEW.

HARRISON FORD HAS A HISTORY OF FLOUTING AVIATION SAFETY RULES.

>> GET OFF MY PLANE!

>> STEPHEN: CROSSING A RUNWAY DURING A LANDING IS A BAD

SIGN.

LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIME TO SIT HIM DOWN AND HAVE A DIFFICULT TALK.

"LISTEN, I THINK YOU KNEW THIS DAY WAS COMING, BUT YOU SEEM A

LITTLE CONFUSED BEHIND THE WHEEL THESE DAYS, SO... WE'RE

TAKING AWAY THE KEYS TO THE MILLENNIUM FALCON.

WE CAN'T RISK YOU MAKING THE JUMP TO HYPERSPACE THROUGH

A JAMBA JUICE."

THROUGH A STARBUCKS.

IT'S A DISTANCE, NOT A TIME!

I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A TEXAS ZOO IS OPENING BACK UP TO THE PUBLIC

WITH A DRIVE-THRU EXPERIENCE."

FROM THE SECURITY OF INSIDE THEIR VEHICLE, "VISITORS WILL BE

ABLE TO SEE LIONS, TIGERS, AND BEARS."

OH, MY.

THIS IS GREAT NEWS FOR ANYONE WHO'S EVER THOUGHT, "I WISH

BIRDS WEREN'T THE ONLY ANIMALS POOPING ON MY CAR."

QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A SWEDISH CITY WILL SPREAD MANURE AT A

FESTIVAL VENUE TO DISCOURAGE CROWDS" AT AN UPCOMING

"SCANDINAVIAN HOLIDAY USUALLY MARKED WITH BONFIRES AND SINGING

AND DANCING TO FOLK SONGS."

A MUSIC FESTIVAL WHERE THE GROUNDS ARE COVERED IN POOP?

THAT... IS A MUSIC FESTIVAL.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SENATE DEMOCRATIC LEADER CHUCK SCHUMER.

♪ ♪

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