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  • >> Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME BACK TO "THE

  • LATE SHOW."

  • AND PLEASE SAY HELLO TO OUR FRIEND JON BATISTE.

  • JON, HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

  • >> I'M GOOD.

  • I'M A LITTLE HUNGRY.

  • I'M THINKING OF COOKING SOME RED BEANS AND RICE.

  • >> Stephen: WHOO!

  • >> Jon: YEAH.

  • >> Stephen: NOW, YOUR MOM'S RECIPE?

  • >> Jon: YEAH, EXACTLY.

  • MY MOM'S RECIPE, ONE OF THE PRODUCERS ON THE SHOW'S COOKED

  • UP A FEW AND I'M KIND OF GOING INTO A RED BEANS BATTLE WITH

  • HIM.

  • I'M GOING TO HAVE TO DRY ICE HIM MY PLATE.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S A RED BEAN THROWDOWN?

  • >> Jon: YEAH, THAT'S WHAT WE CALL IT, THE RED BEAN THROW

  • DOWN.

  • AND YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE THE RIGHT INGREDIENTS AND I JUST GOT THEM

  • SHIPPED IN, SO I'M ABOUT TO DO IT.

  • >> Stephen: GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

  • >> Jon: YES, YES.

  • >> Stephen: SAVE ME SOME.

  • >> Jon: OH, I WILL.

  • THEY MIGHT TURN BY THE TIME WE SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN, BUT I'LL

  • GET YOU NEXT TIME.

  • >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.

  • JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.

  • YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME IN HERE MEASURING OUT THE FINEST

  • BARREL-AGED NEWS STORIES, TOSSING IN SOME HAND-BLENDED

  • AROMATIC BITTERS, THEN SHAKING AND STIRRING THEM INTO THE

  • UPSCALE HIPSTER APERITIF THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

  • BUT SOMETIMES -- SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO

  • BATHTUB WITH GRAIN ALCOHOL, STIR IN A HALF-FINISHED BOX OF

  • WELCH'S GRAPE JUICE AND A GLADE PLUG-IN, AND LET IT FESTER

  • A COUPLE WEEKS, TO CREATE THE RAIL-YARD HOOCH OF NEWS THAT IS

  • MY QUARANTINED MEANWHILE SEGMENT "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"

  • FILL MY.

  • ♪ ♪

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, EVEN THOUGH ALL OTHER SPORTS HAVE BEEN

  • SIDE-LINED, "SOMEHOW THE PANDEMIC HASN'T STOPPED SUMO

  • WRESTLING."

  • WELL, I BELIEVE MAKING THOSE MEN WRESTLE FOR THEIR ENTERTAINMENT

  • IS DANGEROUS AND IRRESPONSIBLE, AND JAPAN SHOULD GO BACK TO

  • SENSIBLE GAME SHOWS LIKE THIS.

  • ( SHOUTING ) CRAZY WAY TO PICK A PRIME

  • MINISTER.

  • BUT I GUESS THEY HAVE TO LET THEM FIGHT.

  • IF THEY DON'T LET THEM OUT NOW AND THEN, THOSE SUMO WRESTLERS

  • MIGHT START STRESS EATING.

  • ONE MAJOR U.S. BOOKMAKER SAID "HIS COMPANY DECIDED TO ADD SUMO

  • WRESTLING TO ITS SPORTS BETTING OFFERINGS BECAUSE IT WAS ONE OF

  • THE FEW PROFESSIONAL LEAGUES STILL OPERATING."

  • GREAT.

  • SO YOUR CO-WORKER WHO WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT FANTASY FOOTBALL, NOW

  • WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT FANTASY SUMO.

  • "I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW BAD FUJI-AZUMA SHANKED IT THIS

  • WEEKEND!

  • I SHOULD HAVE DRAFTED KAGAYAKI!

  • HE'S GOT A WAY BETTER OSHI-DASHI!

  • WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M FIRED?!" SO THE SUMO CONTINUES, BUT

  • WITHOUT A CROWD.

  • ONE FAN WATCHING THE MATCHES ON YOUTUBE FOUND THE EXPERIENCE

  • DIFFERENT, SAYING, "YOU COULD HEAR EVERYTHING.

  • YOU COULD HEAR THEM FART, YOU COULD HEAR GRUNTING, STUFF

  • YOU DON'T USUALLY HEAR."

  • YEAH, USUALLY TO HEAR FAT MEN FARTING AND GRUNTING WHILE

  • WATCHING SPORTS YOU HAVE TO GO TO A BUFFALO WILD WINGS.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, YESTERDAY MORNING, THERE WAS A FLYBY OF

  • EARTH BY THIS ASTEROID WHICH, OBSERVERS HAVE POINTED

  • OUT, HAS "FEATURES THAT MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THE ASTEROID

  • REMEMBERED TO WEAR A MASK."

  • PROVING ONCE AGAIN, EVEN A LIFELESS, FROZEN ROCK IS SMARTER

  • THAN MIKE PENCE.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, "IN WHAT MAY BE A MEDICAL FIRST, A WOMAN'S

  • SILICONE BREAST IMPLANTS HELPED DEFLECT A BULLET AND SAVE HER

  • LIFE."

  • SO STARTING NEXT YEAR, POLICE BULLETPROOF VESTS WILL BE

  • SLIGHTLY MODIFIED QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN MOON

  • NEWWWWWS, NASA HAS ANNOUNCED THEY WILL "SHOOT LASERS AT THE

  • MOON TO HELP FIND WATER."

  • OH, GREAT.

  • WHEN THIS IS OVER, YOU KNOW THEY'RE GONNA BE PUSHING IT ON

  • YOU IN RESTAURANTS.

  • "WOULD YOU LIKE TAP, SPARKLING, OR MOON?"

  • NASA'S PLAN IS TO CREATE "A SPACECRAFT THAT WILL USE ITS

  • NEAR-INFRARED LASERS TO SHINE LIGHT INTO SHADED POLAR

  • REGIONS ON THE MOON, WHILE AN ONBOARD REFLECTOMETER WILL

  • MEASURE SURFACE REFLECTION AND COMPOSITION."

  • WHICH SOUNDS VERY COMPLICATED, BUT NASA DID PROVIDE THIS

  • HELPFUL SIMULATION VIDEO OF THEIR MOON LASER:

  • ( CRASHING SOUNDS ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, "CLOWNS,

  • JUGGLERS AND GYMNASTS IN A TRAVELING CIRCUS ARE STUCK IN A

  • TEXAS PARKING LOT AMID THE LOCKDOWN."

  • THAT'S TERRIBLE.

  • IT'S NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SOCIALLY DISTANCE IN A CAR WITH

  • 50 OTHER CLOWNS.

  • "I SAID SIX FEET, WAFFLES!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, "THE FEDERAL

  • AVIATION ADMINISTRATION IS INVESTIGATING AN AIRCRAFT

  • INCIDENT AT HAWTHORNE AIRPORT LAST FRIDAY INVOLVING ACTOR

  • HARRISON FORD."

  • IT SEEMS FORD WAS "PILOTING A PLANE THAT CROSSED A RUNWAY WHEN

  • ANOTHER PLANE WAS TRYING TO LAND."

  • THIS IS NOTHING NEW.

  • HARRISON FORD HAS A HISTORY OF FLOUTING AVIATION SAFETY RULES.

  • >> GET OFF MY PLANE!

  • >> STEPHEN: CROSSING A RUNWAY DURING A LANDING IS A BAD

  • SIGN.

  • LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIME TO SIT HIM DOWN AND HAVE A DIFFICULT TALK.

  • "LISTEN, I THINK YOU KNEW THIS DAY WAS COMING, BUT YOU SEEM A

  • LITTLE CONFUSED BEHIND THE WHEEL THESE DAYS, SO... WE'RE

  • TAKING AWAY THE KEYS TO THE MILLENNIUM FALCON.

  • WE CAN'T RISK YOU MAKING THE JUMP TO HYPERSPACE THROUGH

  • A JAMBA JUICE."

  • THROUGH A STARBUCKS.

  • IT'S A DISTANCE, NOT A TIME!

  • I'M SORRY.

  • I'M SORRY.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A TEXAS ZOO IS OPENING BACK UP TO THE PUBLIC

  • WITH A DRIVE-THRU EXPERIENCE."

  • FROM THE SECURITY OF INSIDE THEIR VEHICLE, "VISITORS WILL BE

  • ABLE TO SEE LIONS, TIGERS, AND BEARS."

  • OH, MY.

  • THIS IS GREAT NEWS FOR ANYONE WHO'S EVER THOUGHT, "I WISH

  • BIRDS WEREN'T THE ONLY ANIMALS POOPING ON MY CAR."

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A SWEDISH CITY WILL SPREAD MANURE AT A

  • FESTIVAL VENUE TO DISCOURAGE CROWDS" AT AN UPCOMING

  • "SCANDINAVIAN HOLIDAY USUALLY MARKED WITH BONFIRES AND SINGING

  • AND DANCING TO FOLK SONGS."

  • A MUSIC FESTIVAL WHERE THE GROUNDS ARE COVERED IN POOP?

  • THAT... IS A MUSIC FESTIVAL.

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SENATE DEMOCRATIC LEADER CHUCK SCHUMER.

  • ♪ ♪

>> Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME BACK TO "THE

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その間に...ハリソン・フォードの(飛行機の)キーを取る時間かもしれない (Meanwhile... It Might Be Time To Take Harrison Ford's (Airplane) Keys)

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    林宜悉 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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