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  • -Hello, everyone, and welcome back to the attic.

  • As many of you know, I've been doing the show from home

  • despite some non-ideal circumstances,

  • specifically I only have three shirts,

  • and they come in three different varieties --

  • blue, blue, and a slightly lighter blue.

  • And, yeah, I'm aware that this makes me, as the kids say,

  • "basic," but in fairness, I've been slightly distracted

  • from wardrobe questions by the fact that there are wasps --

  • actual wasps buzzing around my head.

  • And if you don't believe me,

  • here's one zipping by during Tuesday's monologue.

  • But don't worry. That's not just any wasp.

  • That's Nick, our segue-writing wasp, and speaking of segues,

  • the White House is calling their response

  • to the coronavirus pandemic a success story

  • even as the country passes grim new milestones.

  • You've done it again, Nick!

  • For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."

  • ♪♪

  • We've now surpassed one million coronavirus cases

  • and 60,000 deaths in the span of about two months.

  • Now, regardless of where you stand politically,

  • that's a staggering heartbreaking number,

  • or as Donald Trump put it

  • at the end of his press conference on Monday,

  • job well done.

  • -Let's do one more, please, in the back.

  • -If an American President loses more Americans

  • over the course of six weeks

  • than died in the entirety of the Vietnam War,

  • does he deserve to be re-elected?

  • -So, yeah, we've lost a lot of people,

  • but if you look at what original projections were,

  • 2.2 million.

  • We're probably heading to 60,000, 70,000.

  • It's far too many, one person is too many for this,

  • and I think we've made a lot of really good decisions.

  • I think we've made a lot of good decisions.

  • I think that Mike Pence and the task force

  • have done a fantastic job.

  • I think that everybody working on the ventilators,

  • you see what we've done there, have done unbelievable.

  • The press doesn't talk about ventilators anymore.

  • They just don't want to talk about them, and that's okay.

  • But the reason they don't want to talk --

  • That was the subject that nobody would get off of.

  • They don't want to talk about them.

  • So, no, I think we've done a great job.

  • -Oh, boy. He should not have taken one more question

  • because that was a brutal way to end a press conference.

  • You know when they heard that question

  • in the Fox News control room, they basically said,

  • "Quick, cut to an Acorn stair lift commercial.

  • What do you mean you don't have one?

  • No, we should always have it ready.

  • Well, for reasons like this."

  • Trump must have been kicking himself for taking one more.

  • That was like that moment you start talking smack

  • during a game of Jenga.

  • "Yeah, I'll grab another block with one eye shut. Oh [bleep]"

  • And you know as soon as he heard

  • the word "Vietnam," he probably thought to himself,

  • "Vietnam, am I going to have to dodge you again?"

  • He's so bummed you can't use make-believe bone spurs

  • to get out of Vietnam questions.

  • [ As Trump ] I'd love to give you an answer,

  • but unfortunately, I feel, uh,

  • what I fear is a spur in my bone,

  • back again, so I'm going to have to call it a day.

  • [ Normal voice ] And, of course,

  • the press doesn't want to talk about ventilators.

  • Nobody wants to talk about a critical shortage

  • of life-saving medical equipment.

  • The reason it was such a hot topic for a while

  • was because everyone was afraid we were going to run out.

  • Thanks to Americans staying home to flatten the curve

  • and states sharing equipment with each other,

  • we avoided the worst case scenarios.

  • No thanks to you.

  • You're like the mayor showing up at the end of "Jaws" saying,

  • "Oh, so I guess the press

  • doesn't want to talk about sharks anymore?

  • Okay. Well, I would love to know.

  • 'Cause I'm the mayor and I'm still a big shot in this town.

  • If we're not talking about sharks, let me know."

  • In fact, here's how unhelpful the president was

  • when it came to procuring much needed ventilators for states.

  • BuzzFeed News reported Wednesday night that a random dude

  • tweeted at Trump that he could make ventilators,

  • and then the White House helped that guy

  • get a lucrative contract to make ventilators,

  • which he never produced.

  • On March 27th, Trump posted on twitter to urge Ford

  • and General Motors to start making ventilators now.

  • One of the thousands of replies that the tweet attracted

  • struck an equally urgent tone.

  • "We can supply ICU ventilators, invasive and non-invasive.

  • Have someone call me. Urgent."

  • Its author was an electrical engineer in Silicon Valley.

  • A specialist in mobile phone technology,

  • he currently has just 75 followers on Twitter

  • and no apparent experience in government contracting

  • or medical devices.

  • Honestly, how long until he replies to a spam e-mail

  • offering free boner pills?

  • I mean, I guess we'll know exactly how long

  • the day he turns to Dr. Birx

  • in the middle of a press conference and says...

  • [ As Trump ] There's also a chance that --

  • Correct me if I'm wrong, Dr. Birx,

  • that boner pills might possibly

  • be an effective treatment for the virus,

  • so if someone had a surplus of boner pills,

  • that person could possibly be a hero?

  • Dr. Birx, I see you've wrapped your head in scarves again.

  • I can't hear you. It's muffled.

  • When you talk through the scarves,

  • it just comes through as muffles.

  • [ Normal voice ] I mean, right off the bat,

  • there are so many red flags there.

  • First of all, there are major companies

  • that make ventilators, so if a guy with 75 followers

  • is tweeting at you, he's probably not,

  • you know, a power player.

  • CEO of General Electric doesn't spend all day replying

  • to individual people on Twitter, "I can get you a microwave.

  • Have someone call me. Urgent."

  • Second, making mobile phones

  • has nothing to do with making ventilators.

  • Ventilators help you breathe, while phones,

  • at least in the meantime, help you hyperventilate.

  • Oh, I just got an alert. The president says,

  • "Ingesting bleach cures male pattern baldness.

  • [Breathlessly] Oh, my God. Oh, I'm hyperventilating.

  • [ Normal voice ] And yet, incredibly,

  • Trump actually took this guy seriously.

  • Three days later, New York State paid Oren-Pines

  • 69 -- wait-for-it -- million dollars.

  • The payment was for 1,450 ventilators,

  • at least triple the standard retail price of high-end models.

  • Not a single ventilator ever arrived.

  • State officials said New York entered into the contract

  • at the direct recommendation

  • of the White House Coronavirus Task Force.

  • This is insane.

  • I mean, we're talking about a guy

  • who is the most powerful person on Earth.

  • There is literally a law that allows him

  • to compel companies to make ventilators,

  • and he's combing through his Twitter replies

  • like he's putting a band together.

  • "Oh, okay. This guy's got his own amp.

  • That could really --

  • that could really come in handy if we had somebody

  • with their own amp."

  • Trump had the chance to act early

  • to prevent both a public health crisis and an economic one,

  • and instead he chose to ignore and downplay the threat,

  • or as he put it yesterday at the White House...

  • -This plague should never have happened.

  • It could have been stopped. But people chose not to stop it.

  • -Oh, people chose not to stop it? Why so coy?

  • Pray tell, Donald, who are these people you speak of?

  • [ As Trump ] This plague never should have happened,

  • but someone really dropped the ball.

  • I'm not going to name names, Mike Pence.

  • [ Normal voice ] Hey, maybe he was talking about

  • his spectral son-in-law Jared Kushner.

  • Kushner has supposedly played a central role

  • in the administration's coronavirus response,

  • and on Wednesday, he said this to "Fox & Friends."

  • -We're on the other side of the medical aspect of this,

  • and I think that we've achieved

  • all the different milestones that are needed.

  • So the government, federal government

  • rose to the challenge and this is a great success story.

  • -This is a success story? You're not even a success story.

  • You're only in the White House because Ivanka

  • lost Tom Brady's phone number in one of her sweatshop handbags.

  • You shouldn't be anywhere near the White House.

  • You should be confessing to Christopher Meloni

  • at the end of an episode of "Law & Order."

  • Seriously, we have one million cases,

  • 60,000 deaths, and 30 million out of work.

  • If this is a success, what would failure have looked like --

  • The Statue of Liberty getting laid off

  • and developing a weed habit in quarantine?

  • Kushner also defended the administration's push

  • to prematurely re-open the economy

  • before there are plans to effectively contain

  • the spread of the virus.

  • -The goal here is to get people back to work.

  • The eternal lockdown crowd can make jokes

  • on late-night television, but the reality is,

  • is that the data is on our side. -Oh, my God.

  • First of all, thank you for watching.

  • [ Chuckles ] Sorry about that Tom Brady joke, so stupid.

  • But also, I'm kind of terrified that you're watching.

  • Now I'm going to have nightmares

  • about that tiny door back there creaking open

  • and seeing Jared Kushner's face in the shadows.

  • Second, no one wants eternal lockdowns.

  • If I see another one of my friends holding up

  • a janky loaf of homemade bread on Instagram,

  • I'm going to run outside and lick a banister.

  • We want a plan for re-opening things safely.

  • You think I don't want things to open up?

  • I used to do a show with multiple shirts and zero wasps.

  • I worked in a building that had 50 lunch options.

  • Now the only thing on the menu

  • is whatever the boys don't finish.

  • Which isn't much, mind you, because the 2-year-old

  • eats like a horse and he has the dumps to prove it.

  • I just changed his diaper.

  • You know when I'll have to change the next one?

  • Based on recent patterns, any minute now.

  • You know what this, bro?

  • You know what this is right here?

  • It's a [bleep] space heater.

  • And I have it because I'm cold all the time.

  • I always feel like you just looked at me.

  • I mean, I used to have an audience

  • of human beings who laughed at jokes.

  • Now the only thing watching me are the dead black eyes

  • of a stuffed elephant rocker.

  • So, yeah, I want to go back to normal, too.

  • Now, not only is the administration's response

  • not a success story, in reality,

  • we're learning that the death toll is almost certainly

  • an undercount, according to analysis of CDC data

  • by "The New York Times" this week.

  • And if you're looking for a metric to compare

  • our so-called success story to actual success stories

  • in other countries, there's this --

  • We recorded our first case of coronavirus

  • on the same day that South Korea recorded theirs.

  • And this week, while we were passing 1 million cases,

  • South Korea was reporting that they had reported

  • no new domestic cases of COVID-19

  • for the first time since February.

  • That's right. In South Korea,

  • they're down to zero new domestic cases,

  • while over here, the president is suggesting

  • we should gnaw on the Tide To Go pens

  • like they're bread sticks.

  • And not only is our case load much higher,

  • but the federal government has also failed to provide

  • any leadership at all in responding to that case load.

  • In fact, Trump has failed so spectacularly

  • to provide any coherent federal coordination

  • that states have essentially divvied themselves up

  • into regional partnerships to work together,