WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW.

HEY, JON!

>> Jon: HELLO, HELLO.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

>> Stephen: JON, I GOT TO TELL YOU, HEARING THE BAND TOGETHER,

DOING THE THEME SONG IS TRULY MOVING.

I JUST LOVE HEARING YOU GUYS PLAY TOGETHER AGAIN.

>> THANK YOU.

IT FEELS GOOD, AND I FEEL LIKE THAT SOUND HAS BECOME SO

CLASSIC.

IT JUST BRINGS ME RIGHT BACK TO THE THEATER.

>> Stephen: YEAH, THERE ARE SO MANY REASONS TO GET BACK TO THE

THEATER.

THAT IS TO HEAR YOU GUYS LIVE, I MISS IT.

THE EMERGENCY YOU BRING TO IT, WHEN I HEARD THAT, TOTALLY READY

TO DO A SHOW.

>> YEAH, YEAH, EXACTLY.

IT SNAPS YOU IN.

>> Stephen: YEAH.

IT REALLY IS A PHYSICAL MEMORY.

>> Stephen: YEAH, AND THE ENERGY THAT YOU GUYS PLAY WITH

IS LIKE, YOU KNOW, LIKE THOSE MAGNETIC LEVITATION TRAINS.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: I FEEL LIKE YOU'REpM ENTIRE SHOW.

> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS.

THAT MOVES MY HEART.

THAT'S WHAT WE TRY TO.

DO WE TRY TO BRING IT EVERY NIGHT SO PEOPLE CAN FEEL IT

EVERYWHERE.

>> Stephen: HOW DID YOU DO IT?

>> Jon: SO I RECORDED FIRST AND I WAS SETTING A CLICK TRACK

TO SET THE TONE AND GET THE VIBE.

SO WE HAD THE CLICK TRACK AS A REFERENCE AND THEY COULD LISTEN

TO ME OR THE CLICK TRACK, AND EVERYBODY LAYERED ON TOP OF THAT

AND SENT IN THE VIDEOS.

OUR TEAM AT THE SHOW, THEY'RE AMAZING, THEY CAN PUT THE STUFF

TOGETHER FROM ANYWHERE.

WHO KNOWS HOW THAT HAPPENED.

I WASN'T PART OF THAT PART.

>> Stephen: MORE, PLEASE.

>> Jon: OH, IT'S COMING.

WE HAVE BEEN COOKIN'!

>> Stephen: GOOD, BECAUSE I'M HUNGRY.

>> Jon: HA!

>> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU.

MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN YOU KNOW FROM, OH,

HELLO, BIG MOUTH, AND JOHN MULANEY AND THE SACK LUNCH

BUNCH.

PLEASE WELCOME JOHN MULANEY.

>> HEY, STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: HEY, HOW ARE YOU RIDING OUT THE QUARANTINING?

>> I'M VERY LUCKY TO BE RIDING IT OUT WELL, YEAH.

>> Stephen: ME, TOO.

VERY LUCKY TO BE HEALTHY, VERY LUCKY TO HAVE A JOB RIGHT NOW

THAT I CAN STILL SORT OF DO.

>> Jon: YEAH, YOU DO HAVE A JOB NOW.

>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.

LEGALLY, THEY HAVE TO PAY ME.

>> Jon: I FEEL, YOU KNOW, THERE'S A LOT OF TERRIBLE THINGS

HAPPENING.

THERE'S A NICE AMOUNT OF CAMARADERIE AND WE'RE ALL DOING

THE SAME THING AT ONCE.

>> Stephen: IS THAT SOME SOLACE FOR YOU THAT YOU'RE NOT

ALONE?

THAT ALL HUMANITY IS DOING THIS?

>> Jon: IT'S AT LEAST AT BEST A COMFORT AND AT MOST -- AND AT

LEAST IT'S A DELIGHTFUL, LIKE, CURIOSITY THAT EVERY -- LIKE,

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU, ME, O.J. SIMPSON AND MEG RYAN HAVE IN COMMON.

>> Stephen: UH, GRATEFULLY HAD IS A RELATIONSHIP WITH JOHN

MELLENCAMP?

>> TRUE.

O.J., IF ONLY HE HAD WRITTEN A SONG ABOUT THAT.

BUT WE'RE ALSO ALL QUARANTINING.

>> Stephen: YEAH.

YOU, STEPHEN COLBERT, TEDDY SE VAL IS, JR., BANKSY, ALL

QUARANTINING.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THE D DALAI LAMA?

IS HE?

>> Stephen: WHY WOULD THE DALAI LAMA BREAK THE RULES.

DOESN'T SEEM LIKE HIS STYLE.

THOUGH THE CHINESE MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING DIFFERENT TO SAY ABOUT

THAT.

>> BREAKS RULES WHEN THEY'RE WORTH BREAKING.

>> Stephen: YEAH.

BOND WHERE ARE HE'S STAYING.

I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT THE LAMA.

>> Stephen: HE'S NOT CRASHING WITH ME.

>> NO?

>> Stephen: NO, BUT I BET HE'D BE A GREAT HOUSE GUEST.

>> HE'S ALWAYS GIGGLING.

THAT'S ONE THING I LOVE ABOUT HE AND DESMOND TUTU, ALWAYS

GIGGLING.

>> Stephen: NOT GREAT.

WHAT.

>> Stephen: AN ADULT MAN GIGGLING, MIGHT BE WEIRD.

LET'S HEAR YOURS.

( GIGGLES ) LET'S HEAR YOURS

( STEPHEN GIGGLING ) A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE HAVING ODD

DREAMS.

LET ME TELL YOU MINE QUICKLY BECAUSE I'M THE GUEST TOON.

IT'S I DREAMED I HAD TO DO MY SHOW BUT I HAD TO DO IT

SOMEPLACE WHERE NOBODY COULD FIND ME.

I WOULD BE IN TROUBLE IF ANYBODY COULD FIND ME BUT I STILL HAD TO

DO MY SHOW.

DOCTOR?

>> YOU WOULD BE IN TROUBLE IF ANYONE FOUND YOU?

>> Stephen: LIKE THE COPS WOULD FIND ME DOING MY SEW SHOW.

BUT I HAD TO DO THE SHOW AND BROADCAST IT BUT NOT ANYPLACE

THE COPS COULD FIND ME.

>> THAT'S YOURSELF.

SOME PART OF YOU IS CONFLICTED ABOUT PERFORMING AND CASHING

IN -- I'M KIDDING -- ABOUT WORKING DURING A TIME LIKE THIS.

>> Stephen: OH, YEAH.

O YOUR INNER MORAL COMPASS.

PERHAPS MAYBE A SUPER EGO.

MAY BE TOO FAR TO ONE EXTREME.

>> Stephen: SURE.

YOU WANT TO HIDE FROM THAT PART OF YOURSELF THAT SAYS

WHY -- WHY AM I MAKING MY CHILDREN JOIN A UNION AND BY MY

P.A.s?

>> Stephen: WHY MUST THE SHOW GO ON.

>> WHY MUST THE SHOW GO ON.

FAIR QUESTION.

>> Stephen: ENOUGH OF ME, AS FASCINATING AS I AM.

PLEASE, JOHN.

>> THAT IS A GOOD DREAM.

HAVING NO TRAINING I KNOCKED THAT OUT OF THE PARK.

>> Stephen: YEAH.

I WROTE DOWN A DREAM TO TELL YOU ABOUT BECAUSE I'M PERPLEXED

BY IT FOR REAL.

>> Stephen: NOT EVERY GUEST BRINGS NOTES.

WONDERFUL.

>> PLEASE.

iPhone, BY THE WAY.

>> Stephen: OH, WOW.

THERE YOU GO.

>> GOOD JOB.

OKAY, SO HERE'S THE DREAM, STEPHEN.

I DO AN INTERVIEW ABROB RINER, WHO I DON'T KNOW IN REAL LIFE,

AND I'VE WORKED WITH ROB RINER IN SOME SMALL WAY.

I AM UNCOMFORTABLE DURING THIS INTERVIEW BECAUSE I TON KNOW HIM

WELL ENOUGH AND AM SELF-CONSCIOUS I WOULD SAY

SOMETHING WRONG.

IN THIS DREAM, AS BEST AS I CAN REMEMBER, ROB RINER IS ROB RINER

THE DERRICK.

OKAY, I TELL THE INTERVIEWER THREE THINGS, ONE OVERWHICH I

THINK ROB RINER MIGHT FIND TOO CANDID.

SO I SEA HIM IN A RECEPTION WITH FLOOR-TO-CEILING WINDOWS.

THERE'S NO, MA'AM LIGHT WOOD, TOO.

HE HAS READ THE INTERVIEW AND IS ALMOST DONE.

HE MENTIONED THE FIRST TWO OF THE TREE THINGS I SAID.

HE DOES NOT MENTION THE ONE THING I WAS NERVOUS ABOUT.

THEN HE ASKED ME TO DRIVE HIM AROUND TO SEE THE CHERRY

BLOSSOMS WHICH ARE IN SEASON.

WE ARE IN THE CAR.

THERE'S A SENSE WE CANNOT GET OUT OF THE CAR IN A SEMI-COVID

QUARANTINE WAY.

I KEEP PULLING UP SUPER CLOSE TO THE CHERRY BLOSSOMS, LIKE WE'LL

BE UNDER A TREE AND THE BLOSSOMS ARE TUMPING THE WINDSHIELD.

I WROTE, NOTE, I AM CONTROLLING THE CAR FROM THE PASSENGER SEAT.

I SAY, LOOK, THERE'S A CHERRY BLOSSOM.

HE DOESN'T ACKNOWLEDGE WE'RE SEEING HIM.

I AM BEING OVERLY POLITE.

I AM EXHAUSTED.

WE PULL INTO THE DRIVEWAY, MUCH LIKE THE KIND I WOULD SEE IN MY

NEIGHBORHOOD IN GREENPOINT WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.

I POINT TO ONE.

IT'S 430 ON THE CLOCK.

IFALL ASLEEP THE WAY I NORMALLY DO IF RIDING IN THE PASSENGER

SEAT OF A CAR.

I MAKE UP, 6:30 ON THE DOT.

ROB RINER HANDS ME A PILL THAT IS A MEDICATION I GIVE MY DOG

FOR ACID REFLUX.

HE HANDS ME THE PILL, SAYS WAKE UP, AND THEN I WOKE UP.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WELL, THE FIRST

THING ABOUT THE DREAM THAT IT GETS RIGHT IS THAT ROB RINER IS

VERY DEMANDING.

( LAUGHTER ) HE'LL ASK YOU TO DO ALL KINDS OF

THINGS AND THEN YOU DO IT FOR HIM AND HE'S, LIKE, EH -- I'M

SURPRISED YOU DON'T KNOW HIM BECAUSE THAT'S VERY MUCH WHAT

HE'S LIKE.

>> I DON'T KNOW HIM.

>> Stephen: HE'S A VERY LOVELY GUY.

>> IN "ALL IN THE FAMILY" AND A GREAT DIRECTOR, TOO.

>> Stephen: HE'S DONE OTHER THINGS SINCE THEN.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WASHINGTON WELL BECAUSE THE

CHERRY BLOSSOMS ARE GOING MAD NOW.

>> THEY BLOOMED A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, YEAH.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

I THINK IT'S -- IT'S AN ANXIETY DREAM.

>> OH, YEAH.

I MEAN, YOU'RE SHOWING ROB RINER THE CHERRY BLOSSOMS AND HE'S NOT

HAVING A GOOD TIME, YEAH IS THAT BUT THAT'S NOT THE ANXIETY.

THE ANXIETY IS YOU HAVE SAID SOMETHING TO UPSET SOMEONE YOU

ADMIRE, AND THEY MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE HEARD WHAT YOU SAID AND

WILL NOT REVEAL TO YOU AND, THEREFORE, EITHER LANCE THE BOIL

OF ANXIETY OR ELIMINATE THE BOIL OF ANXIETY.

THEY WON'T SAY TO YOU, AND, SO, THE PRESSURE OF THE ANXIETY

GROWS BECAUSE OF YOUR IGNORANCE ABOUT THE DEGREE TO WHICH YOU

HAVE HURT THEIR FEELINGS, IF AT ALL, HAS -- IT KEEPS SECRET.

IT FESTERS LIKE A SECRET LIKE CAR BUNKLE INSIDE OF YOUR HEART.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: I THINK YOU SHOULD JUST CALL HIM.

>> I THINK I WILL.

I'M SURE IT'S ABOUT MY PARENTS BUT I'LL ALSO GIVE ROB RINER A

CALL.

>> Stephen: YEAH.

I'M A LITTLE UPSET WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.

>> GO AHEAD.

>> Stephen: YOU HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING ABOUT MY HAIR.

>> YOUR HAIR?

>> Stephen: NOTHING DIFFERENT ABOUT YOU?

I HAVE COLD MY HAIR FROM THE OTHER SIDE.

I NORMALLY COMB IT THIS WAY.

IT'S GOTTEN SO LONG, I HAD TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT, I COMBED IT

THE OTHER WAY.

I WAS ABOUT TO ASK YOU, THE NEXT QUESTION IS YOUR HAIR LOOKS

GREAT.

I SAID, NO, ( BLEEP ) HIS HAIR HE HASN'T SAID ANYTHING ABOUT MY

HAIR.

YOUR HAIR DOES LOOK GREAT, BY THE WAY.

>> THANK YOU, I APPRECIATE IT.

>> Stephen: AND I'M GLAD TO SEE IT LOOKS GREAT BECAUSE WHEN

I WAS THINKING ABOUT PEOPLE PROTESTING ABOUT GETTING THEIR

HAIRCUT AND GETTING SHAGGY, I THOUGHT, I CAN'T IMAGINE JOHN

MULANEY SHAGGY.

>> NO, DON'T CARE FOR IT.

NOT JUDGING IT BUT DON'T CARE FOR IT.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU BREAKING THE RULES?

WHY DO YOU LOOK GOOD?

>> I CHARTER A PLANE AND I GO TO WISCONSIN AND I DROP IN AND GET

IT CUT.

NO, MY WIFE ANNA MARIE WAS A MAKEUP ARTIST AND HAIRSTYLIST

AND STILL GIVES ME FANTASTIC HAIRCUTS.

SO SHE GAVE ME ONE A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO.

>> Stephen: WOW.

YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I DON LIKE HAVING FACIAL HAIR OF ANY KIND,

AND IT DOESN'T LIKE BEING ON ME.

>> Stephen: CAN YOU GROW A BEARD?

>> I THINK HAVE HAIR ON MY FACE.

>> Stephen: HAVE YOU ATTEMPTED TO GROW A BEARD?

>> I HAVE ATTEMPTED TO GROW A BEARD, AND IT LOOKED LIKE THAT

MAGNET GAME WHERE YOU DRAG METAL DIRT PARTICLES ON TO THAT.

>> Stephen: I BELIEVE WILLIE WILLIE.

>> HIS NAME IS WILLIE WILLIE?

>> Stephen: WILLIE WILLIE BECAUSE YOU CAN DO HIS HAIR AND

FACE, TOO.

>> I WOULD HAVE TO LAY IT FLAT AND DO SOMETHING.

I APOLOGIZE.

I THINK IN MY HEAD, I THOUGHT, SINCE WE'RE ALL EDWARD SNOWING

IT THESE DAYS, I THINK MAYBE I THOUGHT I HAD A FLIPPED

PERSPECTIVE.

>> Stephen: OH.