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  • >> Stephen: WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M STEVE COALBERT.

  • HAPPY EARTH DAY, EVERYONE.

  • TODAY IS A BIG ONE, BECAUSE IT'S THE 50th EARTH DAY!

  • THE BIG 5-0.

  • AND, I GOTTA SAY, EARTH'S STILL LOOKING GREAT.

  • SHE'S JUST GETTING HOTTER EVERY YEAR, EVEN WITH THE RECEDING

  • GLACIERS AND PUTTING ON A LITTLE WATER WEIGHT AROUND THE

  • COASTLINE.

  • AND EARTH IS HAVING KIND OF A MOMENT RIGHT NOW BECAUSE,

  • WITH PEOPLE STAYING HOME, THE EARTH IS TURNING WILDER AND

  • CLEANER, WITH REDUCED CO2, BETTER AIR QUALITY, AND ANIMALS

  • ROAMING CITY STREETS.

  • TURNS OUT THE BEST PRESENT FOR EARTH DAY IS THE SAME AS

  • MOTHER'S DAY: TIME AWAY FROM HER CHILDREN.

  • JUST GET ALL THE UNRULY HUMANS OUT OF HER HAIR SO MOTHER EARTH

  • CAN SIT IN A BUBBLE BATH AND WATCH "OUTLANDER."

  • NOW, WHILE HUMANS STAY INSIDE, THE WORLD'S CITIES ARE GETTING

  • RECLAIMED BY ANIMALS.

  • A PUMA ROAMED THE STREETS OF SANTIAGO, CHILE.

  • IN INDIA, HUNGRY MONKEYS HAVE BEEN ENTERING HOMES AND OPENING

  • REFRIGERATORS TO LOOK FOR FOOD.

  • AND COYOTES HAVE BEEN SEEN ALONG CHICAGO'S MICHIGAN AVENUE.

  • A COYOTE ON MICHIGAN AVENUE!

  • THAT'S CRAZY.

  • USUALLY, WHAT WITH THE TRAFFIC, THEY HAVE TO TAKE LAKE SHORE

  • DRIVE.

  • SO, DON'T BE SURPRISED IF YOU SEE A WILD ANIMAL WANDERING INTO

  • YOUR NORMAL ENVIRONMENT.

  • OH, GOD!

  • HERE'S ONE NOW!

  • COME HERE!

  • COME HERE.

  • IT'S THE WILD SNUGGLE SPANIEL.

  • WHO'S RECLAIMING THE EARTH FROM THE HUMANS?

  • YOU ARE!

  • YES, YOU ARE!

  • HE LOVES ME!

  • HE LOVES THIS!

  • BYE.

  • NOW, YOU HAVE TO LEAVE.

  • YOU CAN'T JUST CHEW ON THE ELECTRICAL CORDS.

  • OUT, OUT, GIVE!

  • MUSH!

  • THANKS, BENNY.

  • I MIGHT NEED A LINT ROLLER.

  • THE KAYOT-- THE COYOTES WEREN'T THE ONLY

  • WILD ANIMALS DOING THEIR THING.

  • SO WAS PRESIDENT TRUMP, WHO CELEBRATED EARTH DAY BY HOLDING

  • A TREE PLANTING CEREMONY.

  • OR AS HE SAID: >> WE'RE DOING SOMETHING I LOVE

  • DOING: PLANTING TREES.

  • I'VE ALWAYS LOVED IT.

  • >> Stephen: YES, TWO THINGS DONALD TRUMP HAS DEFINITELY

  • ALWAYS LOVED: MANUAL LABOR, AND THE THING WHERE FRUIT COMES

  • FROM.

  • TRUMP FINALLY GOT AROUND TO ACTUALLY PLANTING THE TREE.

  • HERE HE IS GETTING HIS EXERCISE FOR THE DECADE.

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "I'VE GOTTEN A LOT OF PRACTICE

  • AT MY PRESS CONFERENCES.

  • EVERY DAY, I JUST DIG THAT HOLE DEEPER AND DEEPER AND DEEPER."

  • TRUMP ALSO CELEBRATED EARTH DAY BY THREATENING TO BLOW UP THE

  • PLANET, TWEETING, "I HAVE INSTRUCTED THE UNITED STATES

  • NAVY TO SHOOT DOWN AND DESTROY ANY AND ALL IRANIAN GUNBOATS IF

  • THEY HARASS OUR SHIPS AT SEA."

  • YOU READ THAT RIGHT.

  • HE'S GOING SHOOT DOWN BOATS.

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "WE MUST RESPOND TO IRAN'S

  • FLYING GUNBOATS.

  • THEY'RE JUST AS DANGEROUS AS THEIR FLYING CARPETS.

  • IT'S A WHOLE NEW WORLD A NEW FANTASTIC POINT OF VIEW

  • NO ♪-- HOW DOES IT GO?

  • NOWHERE TO GO.

  • DON'T YOU DARE CLOSE YOUR EYESWHAT TRUMP IS RESPONDING TO IS

  • VIDEO FROM THE NAVY SHOWING THAT "IRANIAN VESSELS 'HARASSED'

  • AMERICAN WARSHIPS IN THE ARABIAN SEA."

  • OKAY, THAT'S NOT GOOD, BUT WHY TWEET ABOUT IRAN NOW?

  • FOR THAT MATTER, WHY A NEW BAN ON IMMIGRATION?

  • NO ONE CAN FLY HERE ANYWAY.

  • RIGHT NOW, YOU MIGHT AS WELL BAN MOSH PITS.

  • BUT I HAVE A THEORY, A THEORY, I TELL YOU, ABOUT TRUMP'S RANDOM

  • TWEETSZ.

  • TRUMP'S APPROVAL RATINGS ARE FALLING, AND TWO-THIRDS OF

  • AMERICANS SAY HE WAS TOO SLOW TO RESPOND TO THE VIRUS.

  • DISAPPROVAL OF TRUMP IS SPREADING FASTER THAN...

  • SOMETHING.

  • WHATEVER SPREADS REALLY QUICKLY IF YOU'RE DUMB ENOUGH TO

  • IGNORE IT.

  • SO HE IS DESPERATE TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

  • AND I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE TO NOTICE THIS.

  • HOUSE SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI SAID THIS YESTERDAY:

  • >> HE IGNORES HIS OWN RESPONSIBILITY AND ASSIGNS BLAME

  • INSTEAD OF TAKING RESPONSIBILITY, PAYING ATTENTION

  • TO SCIENCE, RECOGNIZING THE ROLE OF GOVERNANCE IN ALL OF THIS TO

  • GET THE JOB DONE FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.

  • AND SO HE'S ENGAGED IN DISTRACTIONS, LIKE IMMIGRATION,

  • DISTRACTIONS, LIKE SUPPORTING PEOPLE ON THE STREET.

  • THEY'RE ALL DISTRACTIONS AWAY FROM THE FACT-- THE KNOWN FACT

  • THAT HE'S A TOTAL FAILURE WHEN IT COMES TO TESTING.

  • >> Stephen: AW, SNAP!

  • MR. PRESIDENT, YOU MAY WANT TO GET TESTED, BECAUSE THAT BURN

  • WAS SICK.

  • TRUMP FIRED BACK WITH AN OFFICIAL RESPONSE TO THE

  • SPEAKER.

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "LOOK OUT!

  • FLYING IRANIAN GUNBOATS!

  • RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

  • SINCERELY, PRESIDENT-- DONALD J. TRUMP!

  • CC: JAFAR."

  • HERE'S THE THING: TRUMP'S ATTEMPT TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT TO

  • IMMIGRATION, OR TO CHINA, OR IRAN, OR TO ANYTHING IS NOT

  • GOING TO WORK.

  • ONE REPUBLICAN CLOSE TO THE WHITE HOUSE TOLD "POLITICO" THAT

  • MESSAGING ALONE CANNOT SOLVE THE POLITICAL CHALLENGE THE PANDEMIC

  • PRESENTS FOR TRUMP.

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "OKAY, HOW ABOUT MESSAGING AND

  • SITTING ON MY ENORMOUS, DIMPLED KEISTER?

  • BECAUSE I'M WILLING TO DO ANYTHING AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T

  • INVOLVE DOING ANYTHING."

  • THE UNNAMED REPUBLICAN PREDICTED, "IF THE TESTING DOES

  • NOT GET SORTED OUT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, IT WILL BE ANOTHER

  • NAIL IN AN ALMOST CLOSED COFFIN."

  • WELL, THAT'S AN UNFORTUNATE METAPHOR DURING A GLOBAL

  • PANDEMIC.

  • PLUS, IF YOU WANT TO GET TRUMP'S ATTENTION, SAY IT'S A NAIL IN AN

  • ALMOST EMPTY CHICKEN BUCKET.

  • TRUMP'S NORMAL TRICKS HE USES TO CHANGE THE NARRATIVE AREN'T

  • WORKING, BECAUSE IT'S HARD TO COME UP WITH A MORE GRIPPING

  • NARRATIVE THAN "STAY INSIDE," OR "YOU MIGHT DIE."

  • YOU CAN TWEET ALL YOU WANT, BUT IT'S HARD TO CAPTURE PEOPLE'S

  • HEARTS AND MINDS WHEN THEY'RE WORRIED ABOUT THEIR HEARTS AND

  • LUNGS.

  • YOU CAN'T HAVE BILL BARR REDACT THE VIRUS, OR CALL UKRAINE TO

  • GET DIRT ON HUNTER VIRUS, OR GET MITCH McCONNELL TO HAVE 51

  • REPUBLICANS VOTE THAT THERE IS NO VIRUS.

  • YOU CAN'T EVEN PAY THE VIRUS $130,000 TO STAY QUIET, WHICH IS

  • TOO BAD, BECAUSE THIS CRISIS IS SPANKING YOUR ASS.

  • SO, IF YOU WANT TO KEEP YOUR JOB, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO

  • THE UNTHINKABLE: YOUR JOB.

  • YOU KNOW, MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.

  • TRUMP HELD ANOTHER ONE OF HIS CORONAVIRUS DISTRACT-ATHONS LAST

  • NIGHT, AND HE TRIED TO PUT A POSITIVE SPIN ON HOW THINGS WERE

  • GOING.

  • >> WE CONTINUE TO GAIN GROUND IN THE WAR AGAINST THE UNSEEN

  • ENEMY, AND I SEE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.

  • I ACTUALLY SEE A LOT OF LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.

  • AND WE'RE STARTING THE PROCESS.

  • SO THE LIGHT IS GETTING BRIGHTER AND BRIGHTER EVERY DAY.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "THE LIGHT IS ALSO MAKING A

  • REALLY, REALLY FUN TRAIN NOISE.

  • WOOO-WOOO!

  • EVERYONE KEEPS YELLING, 'MR.

  • PRESIDENT, GET OFF THE TRACKS, MR. PRESIDENT,' BUT I'M STAYING

  • FOCUSED ON THAT APPROACHING LIGHT.

  • IT'S COMING PRETTY FAST."

  • WHATEVER TRUMP IS SEEING, CERTAIN STATES, LIKE GEORGIA,

  • ARE IGNORING THE ADVICE OF EXPERTS AND STARTING TO REOPEN.

  • SO HE AND HIS TEAM WERE ASKED ABOUT HOW EXACTLY THAT'S

  • SUPPOSED TO WORK.

  • >> Reporter: HOW DO YOU SAFELY HAVE HAIR SALONS AND NAIL SALONS

  • AND TATTOO PARLORS WHERE PEOPLE INHERENTLY--

  • >> WHERE IS THAT?

  • WHERE IS THAT?

  • >> Reporter: THIS IS IN GEORGIA, WHERE PEOPLE HAVE TO INHERENTLY

  • BE CLOSE TOGETHER?

  • >> SO IF THERE'S A WAY THAT PEOPLE CAN SOCIAL DISTANCE AND

  • DO THOSE THINGS, THEN THEY CAN DO THOSE THINGS.

  • I DON'T KNOW HOW.

  • BUT PEOPLE ARE VERY CREATIVE.

  • >> Stephen: YES, BARBERS AND HAIR STYLISTS JUST NEED TO BE

  • VERY CREATIVE, LIKE DUCT TAPING HAIR CLIPPERS TO A COUPLE OF

  • YARD STICKS, OR JUST SUBMERGING CUSTOMERS IN BARBACIDE.

  • TREASURY SECRETARY STEVE MNUCHIN THE NUCH, ALSO TOOK QUESTIONS

  • DURING THE THE BRIEFING ABOUT LARGE COMPANIES ACCEPTING

  • SMALL-BUSINESS LOANS, AND TRUMP HAD SOME THOUGHTS.

  • >> Reporter: MR. SECRETARY, ARE YOU GOING TO REQUEST THAT THOSE

  • OTHER COMPANIES-- OBVIOUSLY, SHAKE SHACK WAS NOT ALONE IN

  • BEING A BIG COMPANY THAT GOT MONEY IN THIS -- ARE YOU GOING

  • TO BE ASKING-- >> I'M GOING TO REQUEST THEM.

  • >> YOU'RE GOING ASK THEM-- >> I'M GOING TO REQUEST--

  • >> --TO RETURN THAT MONEY.

  • >> YEP.

  • >> HARVARD'S GOING TO PAY BACK THE MONEY.

  • AND THEY SHOULDN'T BE TAKING IT.

  • THEY ARE GOING TO PAY BACK THAT MONEY.

  • >> Stephen: YEAH, HARVARD, YOU KNOW THE DEAL: YOU DON'T GET TO

  • TAKE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, UNLESS YOU ALSO AGREE TO TAKE JARED.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> JARED SLAM!

  • >> Stephen: HARVARD RESPONDED TO THE PRESIDENT'S ATTACK, SAYING

  • THAT IT HAD NOT RECEIVED ANY FUNDS THROUGH THE P.P.P., BUT IT

  • HAD RECEIVED FUNDS THROUGH THE "CARES ACT" TO PROVIDE

  • ASSISTANCE TO STUDENTS FACING URGENT FINANCIAL NEEDS DUE TO

  • COVID-19.

  • OKAY, THAT'S A SOLID FACT CHECK.

  • SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY AT HARVARD WENT TO HARVARD.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> HARVARD SLAM!

  • >> Stephen: TRUMP WAS ALSO ASKED ABOUT HOW THE PANDEMIC IS

  • AFFECTING WORKERS AT HIS OWN PROPERTIES.

  • >> Reporter: YOUR FLORIDA CLUBS HAVE HAD TO FURLOUGH WORKERS.

  • >> THAT'S TRUE.

  • >> HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT, YOU KNOW, ASKING MAYBE YOUR FAMILY

  • MEMBERS TO MAYBE KEEP WORKERS ON THE PAYROLL TO HELP--

  • >> IN DORAL, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE THE GOLF COURSES OPEN.

  • YOU CAN'T HAVE THE CLUBS OPEN.

  • YOU CAN'T HAVE ANYTHING.

  • I HAVE A LOT OF DIFFERENT PROPERTIES.

  • BUT, AGAIN, MY CHILDREN RUN THEM, AND I LOVE MY CHILDREN,

  • AND I WISH THEM WELL.

  • I LOOK FORWARD TO COMPARING MY NUMBERS TO MY CHILDREN'S

  • NUMBERS.

  • I THINK I'LL DO BETTER.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S AN INSANE THING FOR A FATHER TO SAY.

  • CAN YOU IMAGINE SOMEONE SAYING ANYTHING LIKE THAT ON THEIR

  • DEATH BED?

  • "CHILDREN, GATHER ROUND, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW, I... LOVE...

  • BEING BETTER THAN YOU.

  • I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT MY NUMBERS.

  • YOU'RE HUMAN GARBAGE.

  • ONE GUY WHO'S SUPER GUNG-HO ABOUT RISKING OTHER PEOPLE'S

  • LIVES IS TEXAS LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR, DAN PATRICK.

  • THE LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR, WENT ON THE TV MONDAY

  • TO MAKE THE CASE FOR STATES REOPENING THEIR ECONOMIES, AND

  • HERE'S HOW HE STARTED: >> IN TEXAS, 29 MILLION PEOPLE.

  • WE'VE LOST 495, AND EVERY LIFE IS VALUABLE, BUT--

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, LET ME STOP YOU THERE.

  • ANYTIME YOU START A SENTENCE WITH "EVERY LIFE IS

  • VALUE, BUT," CHANCES ARE YOU'RE NOT THE HERO OF THE STORY.

  • YOU NEVER HEARD GANDHI SAY, "EVERY LIFE IS VALUABLE, BUT I

  • WANNA HAVE MY BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A BOWLING ALLEY!

  • DON'T MAKE ME STOP EATING AGAIN."

  • I'M SORRY, LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR, GO ON:

  • >> WE'VE LOST 495, AND EVERY LIFE IS VALUABLE, BUT 500 PEOPLE

  • OUT OF 29 MILLION, AND WE ARE LOCKED DOWN, AND WE ARE CRUSHING

  • THE AVERAGE WORKER.

  • WE ARE CRUSHING A SMALL BUSINESS.

  • WE ARE CRUSHING THE MARKETS.

  • WE ARE CRUSHING THIS COUNTRY.

  • THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS THAN LIVING.

  • THINGS AND STOP WASTING SPACE AND

  • PRECIOUS TOILET PAPER.

  • THIS IS A LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR SAYING YOU MIGHT DIE, BUT AT

  • LEAST IT WILL HELP BUSINESSES.

  • HE'S FOLLOWING THAT CLASSIC POLITICAL ADVICE: "IT'S THE

  • ECONOMY.

  • I'M STUPID."

  • NEW YORK CONTINUES TO BE THE HOT SPOT FOR THE CORONAVIRUS HERE IN

  • THE U.S., BUT THERE IS SOME GOOD NEWS IN THE BIG STERILIZED

  • APPLE.

  • A FEW WEEKS AGO, THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT SENT NEW YORK A NAVAL

  • HOSPITAL SHIP, THE USNS "COMFORT," TO HELP EASE THE

  • BURDEN ON LOCAL HOSPITALS.

  • BUT YESTERDAY, GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO TOLD TRUMP THAT THE

  • "COMFORT" IS NO LONGER NEEDED IN NEW YORK CITY.

  • WOO, THAT IS GREAT NEWS!

  • TIME TO POP THE CHAMPAGNE BOTTLES!

  • >> THIS IS NO TIME TO POP THE CHAMPAGNE BOTTLES.

  • >>