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  • >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

  • LET'S TAKE A MOMENT NOW TO SAY HELLO TO OUR FRIEND MR. JON

  • BATISTE.

  • HELLO, JON BATISTE, SOMEWHERE OUT THERE IN THE WORLD.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ HEY!

  • >> Jon: HELLO!

  • WHAT'S GOING ON?

  • >> Stephen: WE WERE JUST SETTING THINGS UP HERE.

  • >> Jon: PETE, WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?

  • >> Stephen: HE SAYS HI, WANTS TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON WITH

  • YOU.

  • >> Stephen: I HAVE PETER HERE.

  • I HAVE EVIE RIGHT HERE.

  • >> HELLO, JON.

  • >> Jon: HEY, EVIE, HOW ARE YOU.

  • >> WE MISS YOU!

  • HOW ARE YOU?

  • >> Jon: GOOD, I MISS YOU.

  • >> I KNOW.

  • >> Jon: IT'S TOUGH BUT WE'RE GOING TO PULL THROUGH THIS ONE.

  • >> Stephen: YOU'RE ALL BY YOURSELF, RIGHT.

  • >> Jon: I'M PRACTICING APPRECIATION, YOU KNOW,.

  • >> HE WAS WHAT?

  • >> Stephen: HE'S PRACTICING APPRECIATION.

  • ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER.

  • >> I'M READING SUE LEICA'S DAILY PROMPTS.

  • HER ISOLATION JOURNAL STUFF IS GREAT.

  • >> Jon: THAT THING IS A LIFESAVER.

  • IT GETS YOUR MIND GOING IN THE MORNING, AND IT GETS YOU

  • FOCUSED.

  • >> IT DOES.

  • >> Stephen: HOW CAN PEOPLE FIND IT ONLINE.

  • >> Jon: YOU JUST TYPE "ISOLATION JOURNAL" INTO GOOGLE

  • OR GO TO HER WEBSITE.

  • SHE HAS A BEAUTIFUL BUT COMPLEX NAME.

  • IT'S A VOWEL SALAD.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S THE NATIONAL VOWEL SURPLUS.

  • >> Jon: EXACTLY.

  • HEY "N."

  • >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, BYE, JON.

  • GOOD SEEING YOU.

  • >> Jon: HAVE A GOOD ONE.

  • >> Stephen: YOU, TOO, STAY SAFE.

  • Y'KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME AT THE GREEN GROCER OF NEWS,

  • METICULOUSLY SELECTING THE DAY'S FINEST STORIES TO TAKE HOME AND

  • BAKE INTO THE FARM-TO-TABLE RATATOUILLE THAT IS MY

  • MONOLOGUE.

  • BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO SCAVENGE THE BACK OF MY FREEZER FOR A

  • MINI CHICKEN POT PIE FROM 2013, CRUMBLE THE DREGS FROM A BAG OF

  • FLAMIN' HOT CHEETOS ON IT, THROW IT IN THE OVEN, AND WATCH IT

  • THROUGH THE WINDOW WHILE I GNAW ON THE BLACK LICORICE TWIZZLERS

  • I ACCIDENTALLY BOUGHT AT THE PREMIERE OF "THE MATRIX:

  • RELOADED" TO CREATE THE MIDNIGHT SNACK OF NEWS THAT IS MY

  • QUARANTINED MEANWHILE SEGMENT: >> QUARANTINE-WHILE!

  • >> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE, NOT EVERYONE IS OBSERVING THE

  • SELF-ISOLATION GUIDELINES.

  • FOR INSTANCE, ON MONDAY, "TOM BRADY WAS CAUGHT BREAKING

  • TAMPA LOCKDOWN RESTRICTIONS TO WORK OUT IN A PARK."

  • NOW, YES, IT'S TRUE THAT WE SHOULD ALL BE STAYING HOME FOR

  • THE GOOD OF THIS COUNTRY WE LOVE, BUT IN FAIRNESS, BRADY IS

  • NO LONGER A PATRIOT.

  • AND I ASSUME HE HAD TO GO TO THE PARK BECAUSE BRADY JUST MOVED TO

  • TAMPA TO JOIN THE BUCCANEERS, AND HE'S CURRENTLY RENTING

  • DEREK JETER'S HOUSE, WHERE THERE'S JUST NOWHERE TO

  • EXERCISE.

  • OKAY, SO HE DOESN'T NEED TO BE IN THAT PARK, BUT I'VE GOT TO

  • RESPECT TOM BRADY.

  • EVEN AT THIS LATE STAGE OF HIS CAREER, HE'S STILL CHEATING JUST

  • FOR THE LOVE OF IT.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN MARYLAND "COPS ARE URGING RESIDENTS TO

  • WEAR PANTS WHEN CHECKING THEIR MAIL"-- THOUGH THAT HEADLINE

  • DOESN'T MAKE IT CLEAR IF THAT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE

  • PANDEMIC, OR JUST A LONG-RUNNING PROBLEM IN MARYLAND.

  • WELL, THE TANEYTOWN, MARYLAND, POLICE DEPARTMENT HAVE CLEARLY

  • HAD IT, BECAUSE THEY POSTED ON THEIR FACEBOOK PAGE: "PLEASE

  • REMEMBER TO PUT PANTS ON BEFORE LEAVING THE HOUSE TO CHECK YOUR

  • MAILBOX.

  • YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

  • THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING."

  • THAT REALLY SOUNDS LIKE IT'S SOMEONE VERY SPECIFIC WHO THEY

  • JUST CAN'T GET THROUGH TO.

  • SOON THE POSTS WILL BE "PLEASE STOP FREEBALLING

  • IT IN YOUR DRIVEWAY, EARL.

  • SERIOUSLY, HELEN AND THE GIRLS KEEP CALLING US TO DO SOMETHING,

  • BUT WE'RE TIRED OF DRIVING OUT THERE TO TALK TO YOU WITH YOUR

  • JUNK SPINNING IN THE BREEZE."

  • MY WIFE LIKED THAT JOKE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, "THE AMERICAN

  • FLAG WAS PROJECTED ONTO THE MATTERHORN IN THE SWISS ALPS IN

  • A SHOW OF CORONAVIRUS SOLIDARITY."

  • SWITZERLAND, THANK YOU.

  • THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL AND MOVING, BUT I'M AFRAID MOON RULES APPLY:

  • AMERICAN FLAG'S ON IT?

  • AMERICAN OWNS IT.

  • AND WE WILL SOON BE SLAPPING WATERSLIDES ON THAT BAD BOY AND

  • OPENING UP THE "SPLATTER-HORN SWISS-BITCHIN' WATERPARK AND

  • MONSTER TRUCK MOUNTAIN."

  • BUT WE PROMISE TO RESPECT SWISS CULTURE BY SELLING DEEP-FRIED

  • TOBLERONES ON A STICK.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, NEW YORK MAYOR BILL DE BLASIO SAYS COVID IS

  • FORCING MASSIVE CUTBACKS, AND THAT SANITATION PICKUPS WILL BE

  • REDUCED, AND PUBLIC POOLS WILL BE CLOSED.

  • LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

  • SO THERE WILL BE TONS OF GARBAGE AND EMPTY SWIMMING POOLS?

  • I'M NO CITY PLANNER, BUT I THINK THAT PROBLEM JUST SOLVED

  • ITSELF.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, "ASTRONAUT JESSICA MEIR HAS RETURNED TO

  • EARTH AFTER AN 86.9 MILLION-MILE TRIP" THAT LASTED "205 DAYS."

  • AND LET ME BE THE FIRST TO SAY...

  • THAT IS ROUGH TIMING, JESSICA.

  • IT'S A GOOD THING YOU'RE USED TO POOPING INTO A VACCUM, BECAUSE

  • WE'VE GOT A BIT OF A TOILET PAPER SITUATION DOWN HERE, AND

  • YOU MIGHT NEED TO REPURPOSE YOUR DYSON.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, DOCTORS IN AUSTRALIA ARE DOING A PODCAST TO

  • KEEP THE PUBLIC UPDATED ON CORONAVIRUS RESEARCH AND POLICY.

  • AND THIS WEEK, THEY TACKLED AN IMPORTANT QUESTION: "CAN THE

  • CORONAVIRUS BE SPREAD THROUGH FARTS?

  • THE ANSWER IS CRITICAL!

  • THE ANSWER IS CRITICAL, DARLING.

  • BECAUSE IT COULD LEAD TO A BREAKTHROUGH IN BLAMING

  • CORONAVIRUS ON THE DOG.

  • TURNS OUT FARTS ARE DANGEROUS FOR THE SAME REASON COUGHING AND

  • SNEEZING ARE, BECAUSE "FLATULENCE ITSELF IS AN

  • 'AEROSOL-GENERATING PROCEDURE.'" HENCE, THE OLD RHYME: "BEANS,

  • BEANS THE MAGICAL FRUIT, THE MORE YOU EAT, THE MORE YOU

  • PERFORM AN AEROSOL-GENERATING PROCEDURE."

  • HERE'S WHAT THE GOOD DOCTOR HAD TO SAY ABOUT CORONA-FARTS:

  • >> I THINK THAT WHAT WE SHOULD DO IN TERMS OF SOCIAL DISTANCING

  • AD BEING SAFE IS THAT POLICY, ON THE PART OF THE ENTIRE

  • AUSTRALIAN POPULATION, SHOULD BE THAT YOU DON'T FART CLOSE TO

  • OTHER PEOPLE AND THAT YOU DON'T FART WITH YOUR BOTTOM BARE.

  • >> Stephen: I'M HOPING THAT'S PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS THE ADVICE.

  • THE DOCTOR ELABORATED, "LUCKILY, WE WEAR A MASK, WHICH COVERS OUR

  • FARTS ALL THE TIME," PANTS, SHORTS, DRESSES, UNDERWEAR AND

  • OTHER GARMENTS.

  • WHICH RAISES AN INTERESTING PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION: IF PANTS

  • ARE THE MASK OF THE BUTT, ARE MASKS THE PANTS OF THE FACE?

  • ANYWAY, EXPERTS RECOMMEND THAT, FOR SAFETY'S SAKE, PLEASE FART

  • INTO YOUR ELBOW.

  • FINALLY, AND THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE AUSTRALIAN DOCTORS,

  • I NEED TO POINT OUT THAT "THE NEW YORK POST," WHICH RAN THIS

  • STORY, USED THIS AS THE IMAGE TO ACCOMPANY THE HEADLINE.

  • NOW, I'M NOT A DOCTOR, BUT IF YOUR FARTS LIGHT UP YOUR

  • BUTTHOLE LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE, THEN CORONAVIRUS IS THE LEAST OF

  • YOUR WORRIES.

  • PLEASE COME ON THE SHOW.

  • I THINK PEOPLE MIGHT WANT TO SEE IT.

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MICHAEL MOORE.

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