>> Stephen: THEY-- LISTEN-- >> WHAT WORKS FOR YOU.

>> Stephen: ANY AMOUNT WORKS FOR ME.

THEY-- WE PUT IT IN FOR 12.

>> YUP.

>> Stephen: BUT I THINK THAT'S PROBABLY--

>> WE'LL PROBABLY GO LONG AND THEN DO SOME CHOPS OR SOMETHING.

>> Stephen: AND KEEP EVERY SECOND OF IT.

>> KEEP EVERY SECOND.

>> Stephen: ALL OF THIS IS IN.

WE'RE ROLLING ON THIS RIGHT NOW.

>> THIS STUFF SHOULD BE THE SHOW.

>> Stephen: I REALLY THINK IT SHOULD, ACTUALLY.

>> I LOVE ANY TIME THE MOST MUNDANE THING HAPPENS ON OUR

SET-- AND I MEAN REALLY MUNDANE --

>> Stephen: EVEN WHEN THE SHOW IS BACK IN THE STUDIO?

>> YEAH.

AND ANDY WILL SAY, "I HAD REALLY GOOD ALMONDS."

AND I'LL SAY, "I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD EAT ALMONDS?

" AND SOMEBODY WILL INEVITABLY

SAY, THIS, SHOULD BE THE SHOW!" NO!

IT SHOULDN'T BE THE SHOW.

>> Stephen: THIS SHOULD BE THE SHOW NOW.

NO ONE CAN DO THEIR JOB WELL?

>> I BEG TO DIFFER.

I THINK YOU AND I ARE KILLING IT.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, CONAN.

THAT WAS A TEST AND YOU PASSED.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: I'M READY TO GO WHENEVER YOU ARE.

♪ ♪ ♪ >> WELL, I'M THRILLED BECAUSE MY

NEXT GUEST IS ONE OF MY 11 FAVORITE LATE-NIGHT HOSTS.

HE'S, OF COURSE, ON CBS.

HE'S BELOVED.

STEPHEN COLBERT.

SO GOOD TO HAVE YOU ON MY SHOW, STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, CONAN.

NOW, A LESSER MAN WOULD-- WOULD FIGHT WITH YOU RIGHT NOW AND

SAY, "NO, NO, YOU'RE ON MY SHOW."

BUT I HAVE BEEN A HOST LONG ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT THE HOST

ACTUALLY DOES MOST OF THE WORK, SO YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD, BUDDY.

>> I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

BEAUTIFUL.

>> Stephen: ASK AWAY.

ASK AWAY.

ALL THE WEIGHT'S ON YOU NOW.

CHECK.

MATE.

YOU FELL INTO MY TRAP.

>> BEAUTIFUL JUDO MOVE.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> BEAUTIFULLY DONE.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> BEAUTIFULLY DONE.

>> Stephen: HOW ARE YOU HANDLING YOUR ISOLATION?

>> I MISS THE LAUGHTER.

I MISS THE JOY THAT I BRING OTHERS.

>> Stephen: WELL WHAT, ABOUT YOUR SHOW?

DO YOU MISS THAT?

>> I-- I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU'RE DEALING WITH, THIS BUT I FIND

THAT I REALLY DO-- I REALLY DO MIS-- I LOVE THE FAMILY TIME I'M

GETTING.

DON'T GET ME WRONG.

I LOVE THAT.

AND WE ARE SCREENING CLASSIC MOVIES AT NIGHT.

WE WATCH CLASSIC MOVIES, COMEDY THEY SAY LOVED GROWING UP THAT I

SHOW MY KIDS, AND I LOVE TO BOND WITH THEM IN THAT WAY.

BUT I DO HAVE TO SAY, I-- I REALLY MISS-- AND I THINK

EVERYBODY IS MISSING THIS RIGHT NOW-- TALKING TO OTHER PEOPLE,

BEING IN THE OFFICE, HAVING THAT KIND OF-- BEING ABLE TO YELL AT

PEOPLE IN PERSON.

>> Stephen: SURE.

>> BELITTLE THEM IN PERSON.

>> Stephen: YEAH.

>> I CAN'T DO THAT NOW.

I DO IT WITH SARCASTIC TEXTS AND IT'S NOT THE SAME.

>> Stephen: DOESN'T HAVE THE INFLECTION.

>> HOW ABOUT YOU?

HOW ARE YOU HANDLING IT?

>> Stephen: I MISS THE AUDIENCE BECAUSE I GET ALL OF MY

VALUE FROM THEIR PRAISE.

I HAVE NO SELF-WORTH AT ALL.

I ONLY EXIST, REALLY, IN REFLECTION TO THEM CHANTING MY

NAME.

IT'S BEEN ROUGH.

IT'S BEEN ROUGH AT TIMES.

>> THAT'S GREAT THAT YOUR AUDIENCE CHANTS THUR YAIM.

MINE STOPPED DOING THAT ABOUT FOUR YEARS AGO.

WHEN THEY CHANT MY NAME NOW, IT'S USUALLY AS AN ANGRY MOB SO

I ENVY YOU.

>> Stephen: I HAVE A BONE TO PICK YOU WITH?

>> WHAT IS THAT.

>> Stephen: ABOUT A YEAR AGO YOU STPPED WEARING A SUIT AND

TIE AND STARTED GOING CASUAL, JEANS, MAYBE A LEATHER JACKET.

WHAT DID YOU KNOW THAT THE REST OF US DIDN'T KNOW.

YOUR DAD IS AN EPIDEMIOLOGIST, RIGHT?

DID HE GIVE YOU THE INSIDE SCOOP?

>> YEAH, MY DAD HAS BEEN A MICROBIINGS ON.

THAT'S HIS PROFESSION AND HE TOLD ME ABOUT A YEAR AGO, "TRUFF

ME, THERE'S THIS THING COMING, AND YOU'RE GOING TO BE

BROADCASTING FROM HOME, SO YOU SHOULD PROBABLY SWITCH OUT OF

THE SUIT AND TIE."

I SAID, "DAD, SHOULDN'T WE BE SPREADING THIS INFORMATION FOR

MORE USEFUL PURPOSES?

AND HE SAID, "I LOOK AFTER MY OWN."

THAT'S A QUOTE.

AND THEN HE HUNG UP THE PHONE.

>> Stephen: CAN I ASK YOU WHAT'S GOING ON IN THIS ROOM?

TELL ME ABOUT THE ROOM YOU CHOSE.

WHY DID YOU CHOOSE WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW TO HOST?

>> OKAY, WE'LL DO MY ROOM, AND THEN WE'LL TALK ABOUT YOUR ROOM,

WHICH I FIND TO BE -- >> Stephen: GO AHEAD.

MY ROOM HAS NOTHING TO HIDE.

>> YEAH, YEAH-- WHAT IS THERE TO HIDE IN THIS ROOM.

>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW.

>> I HAVE MY BUST OF TEDDY ROOSEVELT, MY EVER-PRESENT BUST

OF TEDDY ROOSEVELT.

OF COURSE, I'VE GOT THIS MUG, WHICH IS THE ORIGINAL, THAT

ROBERT SMIGLE GAVE ME YEARS AGO WHICH I HAVE HAD ON MY TEST

SINCE 1993.

THE EYESEN HOUR MUG.

I HAVE A GUITAR.

I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED.

I HAVE ANOTHER GUITAR RIGHT HERE.

THERE'S REALLY NOT MUCH TO SEE IN THIS ROOM.

I AM A SIMPLE MAN WITH SIMPLE NEEDS.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU GOING TO BE YOUR OWN MUSICAL GUEST AT ANY

POINT?

YOU'VE GOT THE INSTRUMENT.

>> YES, I HAVE THE INSTRUMENTS, NOT THE TALENT.

SO, NO, THAT WILL NOT BE HAPPENING.

I DON'T WANT TO INFLICT WITH AMERICA.

AND I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU WHILE WE'RE PICKING BONES.

ARE YOU USING STATE-OF-THE-ART EQUIPMENT.

I AM BROADCASTING ON-- ON BASKLY A PHONE.

I AM BROADCASTING MY SHOW ON A PHONE.

I TUNE IN, I CHECK OUT YOUR SHOW, YOU'RE CLEARLY-- AND I

KNOW MY CAMERAS-- YOU'RE ON A SONY HDC-1700 4K.

>> Stephen: IT'S A SONY X"DES" AND CAM, HD, YOU'RE RIGHT.

>> YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN IN THIS BUSINESS A LONG TIME.

>> AND KNOW MY CAMERAS.

>> Stephen: I HAVE A SATELLITE TRUCK PARKED ON MY LAWN.

>> INCREDIBLE.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU.

>> LET ME TELL -- >> Stephen: LISTEN, BUDDY, I

DID IT YOUR WAY FOR THE FIRST WEEK THAT WE DID IT.

I LITERALLY JUST DID EVERYTHING OFF OF AN iPAD BOUNCED ON THE

SIDE OF A BATHTUB WITH A BOTTLE OF BUBBLE BATH TO KEEP IT FROM

TIPPING IN AND KILLING ME, OKAY.

SO DON'T TELL ME.

I'VE BEEN IN IT.

>> OKAY, LET ME TELL YOU-- LET ME TELL YOU HOW I HAVE BEEN

DOING IT.

WE RECORD MY SHOW ON A FLIP PHONE.

WHEN THE SHOW IS OVER, I PUT IT INTO A CARDBOARD TUBE, AND I PUT

IT IN THE U.S. MAIL.

AND IT GOES TO TURNER HEADQUARTERS IN ATLANTA.

THAT'S HOW WE'VE BEEN DOING IT.

SO DON'T PREACH TO ME WITH YOUR STORY OF OH, YOUR HARDSHIPS.

YOU'VE GOT A SATELLITE TRUCK ON YOUR LAWN.

IT'S BEEN YEARS SINCE I SAW A SATELLITE TRUCK.

>> Stephen: UH-HUH.

>> I'M BITTER AND ENRAGED.

YOU CAN TELL?

>> Stephen: UH-HUH.pI BACK OFF.

PLEASE BACK OFF.

( LAUGHTER ) PLEASE BACK OFF.

THAT WAS-- THAT WAS LIKE A TOPOGRAPHICAL MAP OF MARS.

RED, CRAGGY.

>> STEPHEN, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

I KNOW THAT YOU'RE A MAN WHO OCCASIONALLY LIKES HIS COCKTAIL.

>> Stephen: I DO, YEAH.

>> ARE YOU-- SOME PEOPLE ARE DRINKING A LITTLE TOO MUCH

DURING THIS PERIOD, AND I THINK IT'S FAIR TO ASK YOU, ARE YOU

INDULGING A LITTLE BIT RIGHT NOW?

DO YOU HAVE A HIP FLASK I CAN'T SEE?

>> Stephen: I DON'T, BUT I DO ACTUALLY HAVE A BOTTLE OF GIN IN

MY DESK.

>> WOW.

>> Stephen: IS THAT A BAD SIGN.

>> THAT'S THE BAD-- IT'S NOT THAT YOU HAVE IT.

IT'S THAT YOU'RE HIDING TSTEPHEN.

THAT'S THE REAL PROBLEM, YOU KNOW.

AND I'VE GOT SOMETHING EQUALLY COOL AND SEXY, WHICH IS I HAVE

THIS LITTLE BOBBLEHEAD ABRAHAM LINCOLN.

>> Stephen: WOW.

>> WHICH ACTUALLY, IF YOU POP THE TOP, IT'S RUM.

>> Stephen: WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE?

I HAVE SOME BOOKS.

I READ SOME OF THEM.

>> I HAVE-- AN ALBUM OF JAMES BROWN LIVE AT THE APOLLO.

>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S COOL.

I HAVE-- THIS IS A PICTURE-- THIS IS A PICTURE OF MY DAD.

THAT'S A PICTURE OF MY DAD RIGHT THERE WHEN HE WAS IN THE--

>> THAT'S COOL.

>> Stephen: HE WAS IN THE ARMY.

HE WAS A CAPTAIN.

THESE ARE HIS DOG TAGS RIGHT THERE.

>> THAT'S VERY COOL.

>> Stephen: HE WAS AN IMMUNOLOGIST AT THE-- AT THE

NATIONAL INSTITUTES OF HEALTH, ACTUALLY.

HE WAS BASICALLY ANTHONY FAUCI.

LEPROSY WAS HIS SPECIALTY.

>> WHERE DID YOUR DAD GO TO COLLEGE.

>> Stephen: THE SAME PLACE MY DAD WENT, HOLY CROSS.

>> WHICH IS WHERE MY DAD WENT.

I'M SERIOUS.

HIGH DAD IS A MICROBIOLOGIST, SPECIALIZES IN INFECTIOUS

DISEASES AND WENT TO HOLY CROSS COLLEGE LIKE YOUR DAD AND LIKE

FAUCI.

>> Stephen: WHEN DID YOUR DAD GRADUATE FROM HOLY CROSS?

>> 1875.

>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.

THERE YOU GO.

CAN YOU BALLPARK IT.

MY DAD GRADUATED IN 1942.

>> MY DAD WOULD BE, I THINK, A LITTLE LATER.

I THINK MY DAD WOULD BE IN THE LATE 40s.

I WANT TO SAY 1948, MAYBE.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

I ACTUALLY HAVE SOME QUESTIONS.

I CAN TRY THIS QUESTIONS?

>> YES, YES.

YOU CAN TRY SOME QUESTIONS.

IT'S VERY NICE BECAUSE YOU'RE ON MY SHOW, BUT I'LL LET YOU ASK

YOUR QUESTIONS.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU.

ARE YOU EXERCISING?

>> I DO VERY LITTLE EXERCISE.

EVERYTHING IS-- MY WHOLE BODY IS TURNING INTO A SORT OF WHITE

PUDDING, LIKE A TAPIOCA.

>> Stephen: LOVELY.

>> YEAH, IT'S REALLY -- >> Stephen: LOVELY.

>> I'D TAKE OFF MY SHIRT IF YOUR-- IF YOU COULD HANDLE IT,

IF YOU COULD HANDLE THE LIGHT IMBALANCE.

>> Stephen: SURE.

>> BUT I DON'T THINK YOU COULD.

>> Stephen: WE'LL JUST PUT A POLARIZED LENS UP SO WE CAN

HANDLE THE SOLAR FLARE.

>> I'M SURE YOU HAVE ALL THAT EQUIPMENT.

>> Stephen: WE DO.

>> I'M VERY JEALOUS OF YOUR FANCY CBS EQUIPMENT.

>> Stephen: WE'RE SHOOTING THIS RIGHT NOW WITH THE HUBBLE

TELESCOPE.

ACTUALLY, WE'RE CAPTURING YOUR EMAGE IN INFRARED.

>> IF YOU COULD FORWARD THAT TO MY DERMATOLOGIST SO I COULD JUST

GET MYSELF CHECKED I'D BE VERY HAPPY.

>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE CONAN O'BRIEN.

HOW WAS THAT?

>> Stephen: MAYBE WE WON'T BE BACK WITH MORE CONAN O'BRIEN.