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  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • HAPPY TO BE HERE.

  • HAPPY... TUESDAY, I THINK?

  • IT IS TUESDAY.

  • GOOD.

  • THANK YOU, THANK YOU, SIR.

  • I DON'T ALWAYS KNOW.

  • I'M SO GRATEFUL THAT I'M STILL ABLE TO DO A SHOW FOR YOU GUYS

  • AND FOR ALL OF YOU OUT THERE WATCHING, ONE ASSUMES.

  • IT'S POSSIBLE MY PRODUCERS ARE LYING TO ME THAT WE'RE

  • BRODCASTING AT ALL.

  • "SURE, STEPHEN, WE'VE PUT A VAN ON YOUR FRONT LAWN.

  • IT TALKS TO SPACE.

  • NOW TAKE A SHOWER AND SHOUT INTO YOUR PHONE."

  • WHATEVER.

  • I'M GRATEFUL FOR SOMETHING TO DO.

  • NOW, THERE IS ONE ASPECT OF THE SHOW THAT I HAVE REALLY BEEN

  • MISSING AND THAT IS MY CONVERSATIONS WITH OUR FRIEND

  • JON BATISTE.

  • LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS, JON'S MUSIC HAS BEEN FEATURED

  • THROUGHOUT THE SHOW, BUT WE HAVE NOT CONNECTED ON THE AIR

  • YET.

  • SO LET'S GIVE THAT A SHOT.

  • JON BATISTE, GIVE A SHOUT.

  • >> Jon: HEY!

  • >> Stephen: WHAT'S GOING ON, MY FRIEND?

  • >> Jon: I'M QUARANTINED AS WE ALL ARE.

  • THIS IS THE SHOW WE'RE DOING RIGHT NOW, RIGHT.

  • >> Stephen: WE'RE DOING THE SHOW RIGHT NOW.

  • >> Jon: OKAY, SO, HEY, EVERYBODY, IN THE AUDIENCE, OR

  • AT HOME.

  • I HOPE YOU'RE SAFE.

  • >> Stephen: YES, I HOPE THEY ARE, TOO.

  • YOU'RE RIGHT TO ASK WHETHER THIS IS A SHOW.

  • BECAUSE IT DOES NOT-- IT ALMOST ENTIRELY BUT DOES NOT COMPLETELY

  • FEEL LIKE A SHOW.

  • >> Jon: IT ABSOLUTELY DOESN'T FEEL LIKE A SHOW.

  • THERE'S NO AUDIENCE.

  • I DON'T FEEL THE IN-PERSON ENERGY.

  • I REALLY MISS THAT, BUT WE'RE DOING WHAT WE CAN.

  • >> Stephen: HOW IS YOUR FAMILY DOWN IN NEW ORLEANS?

  • I KNOW THERE HAVE BEEN A LOT OF CASES DOWN IN LOUISIANA.

  • >> Jon: YOU KNOW, I REALLY AM GRATEFUL FOR EVERYBODY ON THE

  • FRONT LINES, YOU KNOW.

  • THERE'S SO MUCH THAT WE-- WE HAVE-- WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH.

  • THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING.

  • I CAN FEEL THAT WE HAVEN'T EVEN REALLY HIT THAT INTENSITY OF

  • WHERE THE MOMENT IS GOING TO GO.

  • AND I'M JUST GRATEFUL FOR THE PEOPLE ON THE FRONT LINES IN

  • LOUISIANA.

  • MY FAMILY IS STAYING HOME.

  • AND MY SISTER, SHE HAS-- SHE HAS BEEN WORKING FROM HOME, AND MY

  • PARENTS ARE RETIRED SO, YOU KNOW, FAMILY TIME.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.

  • THAT'S NICE.

  • YOU CAN PLAY US A LITTLE SOMETHING WHILE I GO BACK TO

  • START MONOLOGUE?

  • >> Jon: OH, YEAH, OF COURSE.

  • >> Stephen: WHAT HAVE YOU GOT.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,

  • NOW, ONE THING I HAVE NOT BEEN MISSING IS DONALD TRUMP.

  • AND YET, HE PERSISTS.

  • YESTERDAY, DONALD TRUMP WAS ASKED ABOUT A CRITICALREPORT

  • FROM THE HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES ADMINISTRATION'S

  • INSPECTOR GENERAL, AND HE WAS NOT AMUSED.

  • >> Reporter: I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE INSPECTOR

  • GENERAL'S REPORT, BUT TESTING IS STILL A BIG ISSUE IN THIS

  • COUNTRY.

  • >> Stephen: UH!

  • HE REACTS LIKE A TEENAGE GIRL.

  • ( AS TEENAGE GIRL ) "UGH, HERE WE GO AGAIN, A

  • REPORTER WANTING TO KNOW INFORMATION.

  • I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

  • YOU JUST GOT TESTED AND YOU ARE POSITIVE FOR BEING A TOTAL

  • BITCH."

  • THAT'S MY NEW TRUMP IMPRESSION.

  • TRUMP EXPLAINED THAT GLOBAL PANDEMIC IS NOT THE FEDERAL

  • GOVERNMENT'S JOB.

  • >> HOSPITALS CAN DO THEIR OWN TESTING, ALSO.

  • STATES CAN DO THEIR OWN TESTING.

  • STATES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING TESTING.

  • HOSPITALS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING TESTING.

  • DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

  • WE'RE THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.

  • LISTEN, WE'RE THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.

  • WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO STAND ON STREET CORNERS DOING TESTING.

  • >> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, YES, IT IS THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT'S

  • JOB.

  • SECOND, "STREET CORNERS"?

  • WHO DOES HE THINK DOES THE TESTING?

  • ( AS SEX WORKER ) "HEY, BABY.

  • YOU NEED A DATE?

  • HOW ABOUT $5 DOLLARS FOR A HAND SWAB?"

  • TRUMP THEN POINTED TO A CHART THAT HE HAD,

  • THAT SHOWED THE COUNTRY HAD GONE FROM ALMOST NO TESTING TO SOME

  • TESTING, AND SCOLDED THE REPORTER.

  • >> YOU SHOULD SAY, "CONGRATULATIONS, GREAT JOB,"

  • INSTEAD OF BEING SO HORRID IN THE WAY YOU ASK A QUESTION.

  • >> Stephen: YES, A REPORTER'S JOB ISN'T TO ASK QUESTIONS.

  • IT IS TO PRAISE THE PRESIDENT FOR DOING A GREAT JOB, JUST LIKE

  • WHEN WOODWARD AND BERNSTEIN GOT NIXON THAT "CONGRATS ON THE

  • CORRUPTION" CAKE.

  • FROM THERE, IT WAS JUST OPEN SEASON ON EVERY REPORTER WHO

  • ASKED ABOUT THE I.G. REPORT, LIKE ABC'S JON KARL.

  • >> Reporter: IF I COULD FOLLOW UP ON THIS QUESTION OF THE

  • H.H.S. INSPECTOR GENERAL.

  • IT WASN'T SO MUCH HER OPINION, BUT THEY INTERVIEWED 323

  • DIFFERENT HOSPITALS.

  • >> WELL, IT STILL COULD BE HER OPINION.

  • WHEN WAS SHE APPOINTED?

  • WHEN WAS SHE APPOINTED?

  • >> Reporter: SHE DID SERVE IN THE PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION.

  • >> OH, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT.

  • OH, I SEE.

  • YOU'RE A THIRD-RATE REPORTER, AND WHAT YOU JUST SAID IS A

  • DISGRACE.

  • THANK YOU VERY MUCH, JON.

  • THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

  • YOU WILL NEVER MAKE IT.

  • >> Stephen: WHAT IS WRONG FOR HIM?

  • FOR THE RECORD, THIS INSPECTOR GENERAL STARTED UNDER BILL

  • CLINTON, SERVED EIGHT YEARS UNDER GEORGE BUSH-- YOU KNOW

  • WHAT?

  • WHO GIVES A ( BLEEP ).

  • ALL OF THE DRAMA NO LONGER PLAYS TO THE CAMERA, SIR, NOT EVEN TO

  • YOUR OWN SUPPORTERS BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MATTER YOU WHO VOTED

  • FOR.

  • EVERYONE JUST WANTS TO KNOW THE TRUTH BECAUSE THAT'S HOW YOU

  • STAY ALIVE SO GROW UP AND DO YOUR DAMN JOB.

  • WE HAVE TO.

  • YOU SHOULD, TOO.

  • IS IT STILL TUESDAY?

  • >> YUP.

  • >> Stephen: TRUMP ALSO REVEALED THAT HE HAD A PHONE

  • CALL WITH JOE BIDEN.

  • >> I ALSO SPOKE, JUST A FEW MINUTES AGO, WITH VICE

  • PRESIDENT-- FORMER VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN, WHO CALLED, AND

  • WE HAD A REALLY WONDERFUL, WARM CONVERSATION.

  • IT WAS A VERY NICE CONVERSATION.

  • WE TALKED ABOUT PRETTY MUCH THIS.

  • THIS IS WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT.

  • HE GAVE ME HIS POINT OF VIEW, AND I FULLY UNDERSTOOD THAT.

  • AND WE JUST HAD A VERY FRIENDLY CONVERSATION.

  • >> Stephen: YES, IT WAS A PERFECTLY FRIENDLY CONVERSATION.

  • JOE BIDEN OFFERED ADVICE ON HOW TO DEAL WITH THE PANDEMIC, AND

  • TRUMP ASKED BIDEN IF HE HAD ANY DIRT ON JOE BIDEN.

  • OH, SPEAK OF JOE BIDEN.

  • THERE WAS AN ELECTION TODAY IN WISCONSIN.

  • NOW, DESPITE THE FACT THAT EVERY OTHER STATE HAS POSTPONED ITS

  • PRIMARY THIS MONTH, OR MOVED TO MAIL-IN BALLOTS, OF AT THE

  • INSISTENCE OF THE REPUBLICAN LEGISLATURE, THE BADGER STATE

  • WENT AHEAD WITH THEIR PRIMARY.

  • IT'S WISCONSIN'S WAY OF SHOWING NEW HAMPSHIRE THAT YOU CAN LIVE

  • FREE "AND" DIE.

  • HERE'S HOW WE GOT INTO THIS MESS.

  • YESTERDAY, THERE WAS A LAST-MINUTE ORDER FROM

  • WISCONSIN'S DEMOCRATIC GOVERNOR AND IRON-DEFICIENT ANTHONY

  • FAUCI, TONY EVERS.

  • EVERS GAVE THE ORDER TO POSTPONE IN-PERSON VOTING DUE TO THE

  • CORONAVIRUS.

  • BUT JUST HOURS LATER, THE WISCONSIN SUPREME COURT

  • OVERTURNED HIM.

  • IT'S CLEARLY SADISTIC TO MAKE PEOPLE RISK THEIR LIVES TO VOTE,

  • BUT THE RULING WAS NO SURPRISE COMING FROM CHIEF JUSTICE

  • JIGSAW.

  • ( AS JIGSAW ) >> I'VE HIDDEN THE BALLOT INSIDE

  • YOUR ABDOMEN.

  • TO VOTE, YOU MUST CUT YOURSELF OPEN WITH AN 'I VOTED STICKER.'

  • >> Stephen: THE RULING WENT UP TO THE U.S. SUPREME COURT, AND

  • THE CONSERVATIVE MAJORITY BLOCKED EXTENDED VOTING IN

  • WISCONSIN BY A VOTE OF 5 TO 4.

  • WELL, OF COURSE, THE SUPREME COURT IS USED TO VOTING WHILE

  • SOCIAL DISTANCING.

  • EVERYONE KNOWS TO STAY AT LEAST SIX FEET AWAY FROM

  • BRETT KAVANAUGH AFTER HE'S BOOFED.

  • SO VOTERS WERE FORCED TO DO THEIR BEST TODAY, LINING UP AT

  • POLLING PLACES TO PERFORM THEIR CONSTITUTIONAL DUTY, AND HOPING

  • NOT TO GET SICK.

  • LUCKILY, A LOT OF WISCONSIN RESIDENTS ALREADY HAVE ALL THE

  • MATERIALS THEY MEADE TO MAKE THUR OWN MASKS.

  • AGAIN, IT'S ONLY TUESDAY-- TUESDAY?

  • TUESDAY.

  • BUT IT'S ALREADY BEEN A TERRIBLE WEEK FOR ACTING SECRETARY OF THE

  • NAVY AND MAN WHO ORDERED HIS HAIRLINE TO RETREAT, THOMAS

  • MODLY.

  • IT ALL STARTED LAST WEEK WHEN THE CONCERNED COMMANDER OF

  • THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER, THE U.S.S. "THEODORE ROOSEVELT,"

  • WROTE A MEMO TO THE U.S. NAVY SAYING THAT, OF HIS 4,000 CREW,

  • "MORE THAN 100 SAILORS WERE ALREADY INFECTED WITH THE

  • CORONAVIRUS," SAYING, "WE ARE NOT AT WAR.

  • SAILORS DO NOT NEED TO DIE."

  • AND "WARNED HIS SUPERIORS THAT SAILORS ABOARD THE AIRCRAFT

  • CARRIER WOULD DIE UNLESS ABOUT 90% OF THE CREW WERE MOVED INTO

  • INDIVIDUAL QUARANTINE."

  • AND SAILORS ARE AT PARTICULARLY HIGH RISK.

  • YOU KNOW HOW THE POPULAR SONG GOES:

  • IN THE NAVY COUGH ON YOUR FELLOW MAN

  • IN THE NAVY HEY, NO NEED TO WASH YOUR

  • HANDSIT GOES ON FROM THERE.

  • THE MEMO WAS LEAKED TO THE PRESS, SO MODLY SPRANG INTO

  • ACTION TO RECTIFY THE SITUATION, AND FIRED CAPTAIN CROZIER.

  • HERE'S A VIDEO OF THE CREW SENDING THE CAPTAIN OFF.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS ).

  • >> CAPTAIN CROZIER!

  • CAPTAIN CROZIER."

  • CAPTAIN CROZIER!

  • >> Stephen: DID YOU HEAR THAT CHANTING?

  • HE'S THE MOST POPULAR CAPTAIN SINCE CRUNCH.

  • BUT FIRING CROZIER WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR MODLEY.

  • NO, SUNDAY, MODLEY WENT ABOARD THE U.S.S. "THEODORE ROOSEVELT"

  • AND GAVE A SPEECH TO THE SAILORS, TRASHING THEIR BELOVED

  • CAPTAIN.

  • >> WHAT THE ( BLEEP ).

  • >> Stephen: I AGREE WITH THAT SAILOR.

  • "WHAT THE (BLEEP)?" READ THE ROOM, MODLY.

  • THE MAN YOU'RE CALLING STUPID JUST TRIED TO SAVE YOUR

  • AUDIENCE'S LIVES.

  • THAT'D BE LIKE TELLING THE SURVIVORS OF SULLY

  • SULLENBERGER'S PLANE "OKAY, THAT WAS A NICE LANDING, BUT CAN WE

  • TALK ABOUT THAT STUPID MUSTACHE NOW?

  • THERE'S NO WAY TOM HANKS WILL EVER PLAY THAT GUY, AM I RIGHT?

  • AM I RIGHT?" AND, SECRETARY MODLY, IF YOU

  • DIDN'T THINK YOUR TONE-DEAF SPEECH WAS GOING TO GET OUT INTO

  • THE PUBLIC, YOU'RE EITHER TOO NAIVE OR TOO STUPID TO BE

  • RUNNING THE NAVY.

  • OH, BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE.

  • BECAUSE THEN MODLY SHIFTED GEARS FROM INSULTING THE CAPTAIN TO

  • INSULTING THE CREW.

  • >> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, DON'T IMPLY THE CREW IS A BUNCH OF

  • COWARDS BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO CATCH A DEADLY VIRUS.

  • THEY SIGNED UP TO SERVE THEIR COUNTRY, NOT ENDANGER THEIR

  • LIVES FOR NO REASON ON A SHIP.

  • IF THEY WANTED TO DO THAT, THEY'D GO ON A CRUISE.

  • I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE'S GOING AFTER THE CREW OF THE

  • "TEDDY ROOSEVELT."

  • T.R.'S MOTTO WAS "TALK SOFTLY AND CARRY A BIG STICK," NOT

  • "TALK LOUDLY AND BE A BIG DICK."

  • WELL, AFTER THE AUDIO LEAKED, MODLY RELEASED THIS STATEMENT:

  • "I STAND BY EVERY WORD I SAID."

  • OKAY, GOOD FOR YOU.

  • BE A MAN.

  • TAKE YOUR LICKS.

  • STAND UP FOR YOURSELF.

  • AND THEN HE TOOK A FEW LICKS, AND THE NEXT DAY HE SAT HIS ASS

  • DOWN.

  • "LET ME BE CLEAR.

  • I DO NOT THINK CAPTAIN BRETT CROZIER IS NAIVE NOR STUPID."

  • "YEAH, I STAND BY EVERY WORD, EXCEPT THAT I APOLOGIZE, AND I

  • TAKE BACK EVERY WORD I SAID ABOUT THE CAPTAIN AND THE CREW.

  • BUT I DID MEAN IT WHEN I SAID THE WORD 'SHIP.'"

  • HEY, YOU KNOW WHO MIGHT NEED A BIG SHIP?

  • THE U.F.C.

  • BECAUSE THEY'VE JUST ANNOUNCED, THEY ARE GETTING A PRIVATE

  • ISLAND TO HOLD WEEKLY FIGHTS AMID THE CORONAVIRUS CRISIS.

  • I DON'T SEE WHY THEY NEED TO DO THIS.

  • WHY DO YOU WANT A FIGHT ISLAND?

  • IF YOU WANT A FIGHT ISLAND, COME TO MANHATTAN AND TRY