HEY!

AND WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU.

I CAN'T SEE YOU.

I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU.

I MISS YOU.

I KNOW YOU GET TO SEE ME, BUT THIS IS A ONE-WAY STREET.

AND I REALLY LIKE MY AUDIENCE.

I LIKE THE CONNECTION.

I LIKE THE GIVE AND TAKE.

I LIKE THE ENERGY.

YOU KNOW WHO REALLY, REALLY MISSES HAVING AN AUDIENCE?

DONALD TRUMP.

YOU SEE, HE CAN'T HOLD RALLIES YOU SEE, HE CAN'T HOLD RALLIES

RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE THE CORONAVIRUS WOULD THREATEN THE

LIVES OF HIS SUPPORTERS.

AND POLITICS 101 IS "DON'T KILL YOUR VOTERS."

REMEMBER, ADLAI STEVENSON LOST WITH HIS SLOGAN, "I WILL MURDER

ALL OF YOU IN '52."

SO TRUMP HAS TURNED THE CORONAVIRUS PRESS BRIEFINGS INTO

THE WHITE HOUSE EVERYDAY INTO LITTLE RALLIES, WHERE HE

RAMBLES INCOHERENTLY AND ATTACKS THE PRESS.

AND YESTERDAY, HE OUTDID HIMSELF WITH A HISSY FIT MELT-DOWN THAT

CLOCKED IN AT A GENERALISSIMO-MAS-GRANDE OF

TWO HOURS AND 24 MINUTES.

IT WAS LIKE WATCHING "THE IRISHMAN" WITH JUST ONE

UNCONVINCINGLY DE-AGED CRIMINAL.

TRUMP WAS ANGRY, YOU SEE, WITH ALL THE EXPOSES PUBLISHED THIS

PAST WEEKEND ABOUT HIS WELL-KNOWN PUBLIC FAILURE TO

TAKE THE CORONAVIRUS SERIOUSLY.

SO, HE FORCED THE ASSEMBLED PRESS TO WATCH A VIDEO OF HIS

SUPPOSED CORONAVIRUS SUCCESS: >> WE'LL ANSWER SOME QUESTIONS.

I'LL ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS, BECAUSE YOU'RE SO GUILTY.

BUT FORGET IT.

BUT, MOST IMPORTANTLY, WE'RE GOING TO GET BACK ONTO THE

REASON WE'RE HERE, WHICH IS THE SUCCESS WE'RE HAVING.

OKAY.

PLEASE, IF YOU COULD PUT IT UP.

THANK YOU.

>> WE SHOULD BE MORE CONCERNED RIGHT NOW...

>> Stephen: OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, IT'S RIDICULOUS

THAT THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES USED A

PRESS BRIEFING ON A GLOBAL PANDEMIC TO SUBJECT A WORRIED

NATION TO A PROPAGANDA VIDEO.

AND SECOND, YOUR PROPAGANDA SUCKS.

ALL CAPS BLACK LETTERS ON A WHITE BACKGROUND?

HELVETICA?

ARE YOU BOASTING ABOUT YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS OR OFFERING TO

TEACH US GUITAR?

THE ONLY PURPOSE OF THE PRESS BRIEFING IS TO GIVE VALUABLE

INFORMATION TO A CONFUSED PUBLIC IN

THE MIDDLE OF A NATIONAL CRISIS.

SO, OF COURSE, TRUMP USED IT TO BRAG ABOUT HIMSELF.

IT'S LIKE IF THE FIREMAN SHOWED UP TO YOUR BURNING HOUSE, AND

INSTEAD OF PICKING UP A HOSE SAID, "WOW, THIS INFERNO IS THE

PERFECT BACKDROP FOR MY ONE-MAN SHOW ABOUT HOW IT'S NOT MY

FAULT YOUR HOUSE IS BURNING DOWN.

AND A 5-6-7-8.

♪ I DIDN'T START THE FIRE!

IT WAS ALWAYS BURNING ♪ BUT YOU DIDN'T LISTEN ♪

IS THERE ANY CLAPPING IN THAT SONG?

>> NO CLAPPING.

>> Stephen: NO CLAPPING IN THAT SONG.

BUT THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.

I WAS-- WAS I ON KEY?

>> YOU WERE-- YOU WERE PRETTY CLOSE.

>> Stephen: OKAY, I WAS PRETTY CLOSE.

TRUMP'S VIDEO ABOUT THE BOLD ACTION HE TOOK SKIPPED OVER A

COUPLE OF THINGS-- FOR INSTANCE, IT SKIPPED OVER THE ENTIRE MONTH

OF FEBRUARY.

SOCBS REPORTER PAULA REID HAD THE TEMERITY TO ASK HIM ABOUT

THAT.

>> Reporter: WHAT DID YOUR ADMINISTRATION DO IN FEBRUARY

WITH THE TIME THAT YOUR TRAVEL BAN BOUGHT YOU?

>> A LOT.

A LOT.

>> Reporter: WHAT?

>> AND, IN FACT, WE'LL GIVE YOU A LIST.

WHAT WE DID-- IN FACT, PART OF IT WAS UP THERE.

WE DID A LOT.

LOOK, LOOK.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A FAKE.

YOU KNOW THAT.

YOUR WHOLE NETWORK, THE WAY YOU COVER IT IS FAKE.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "YOU'RE A FAKE.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A FAKE.

YOU KNOW FEBRUARY IS A FAKE MONTH.

THERE ARE A LOT OF FAKE MONTHS.

SOME OF THEM ARE REAL: JANUARY, MARCH-BRUARY, BRAPRIL,

OCTOPUSSY, AND SANTA-CON."

BUT TRUE TO HIS WORD, TRUMP DID HAVE A LIST OF WHAT HE DID TO

FIGHT THE CORONAVIRUS IN FEBRUARY, AND IN "A LATE SHOW"

EXCLUSIVELY, I'VE GOT IT RIGHT HERE.

IT INCLUDES, A LOT.

"BANGED ON POTS IN CASE VIRUS IS LIKE BEARS."

"SENT VIRUS $130K TO GO AWAY."

"WROTE ANGRY LETTER TO PRIME MINISTER OF CORONA."

"QUARANTINED ERIC."

"BLAMED OBAMA."

HAVE THAT N NOTARIZED IS AND SEN TO THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS.

YOU WERE LYING AT A WOMAN, AND WHAT YOU WERE LYING ABOUT

HAPPENED LESS THAN TWO MONTHS AGO.

WE'RE ALL HERE, AND WE HAVE SOMETHING CALLED CAMERAS AND

THEY RECORDED YOU SAYING THIS.

>> WE HAVE THE GREATEST DOCTORS IN THE WORLD.

WE HAVE IT VERY MUCH UNDER CONTROL.

>> THE PEOPLE ARE GETTING BETTER.

THEY'RE ALL GETTING BETTER.

>> WE HAVE IT SO MUCH UNDER CONTROL.

WE REALLY HAVE DONE A REALLY GOOD JOB

NOW THE DEMOCRATS ARE POLITICIZING THE CORONAVIRUS.

THIS IS THEIR NEW HOAKS.

THERE'S NO REASON TO PANIC AT ALL.

IT'S GOING TO DISAPPEAR.

ONE DAY, IT'S LIKE A MIRACLE.

IT WILL DISAPPEAR.

WHEN YOU HAVE 15 PEOPLE, AND THE 15, WITHIN A COUPLE OF DAYS, IS

GOING TO BE DOWN TO CLOSE TO ZERO.

>> Stephen: WE WERE THAT!

WE'RE NOT GOLD FISH.

YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW?

GOLDFISH CAN STILL GO TO SCHOOLS.

WE ALL REMEMBER THAT TRUMP, THE REPUBLICANS, FOX NEWS DOWNPLAYED

THE SERIOUSNESS OF THIS VIRUS AND TOLD US ALL TO DO NOTHING.

THEY TOOK ALL THEIR CHIPS, AND THEY BET THE UNDER, AND THEY

LOST.

I'M NOT SURPRISED THEY LOST.

SO TRUMP HAS NO CHIPS BUT SOMEHOW BELIEVES HE'S A DEALER.

CASE IN POINT, REOPENING THE COUNTRY.

TRUMP THINKS HE'S THE THE ONE WHO GETS TO DO IT, WHILE THE

STATES SAY, "NO, WE'RE GOOD."

GOVERNORS ON THE EAST AND WEST COASTS HAVE FORMED PACTS TO

DECIDE WHEN TO OPEN THEIR STATE.

OKAY, GROUPS OF STATES BANDING TOGETHER REGIONALLY TO DO THINGS

ON THEIR OWN IS ALWAYS A HARBINGER OF GOOD THINGS TO COME

IN AMERICA, RIGHT?

IT'S LIKE THAT FAMOUS QUOTE, "A HOUSE DIVIDED AGAINST ITSELF

IS GOING TO BE FUN."

THE WEST COAST GROUP-- OR WESTERN STATE PACT-- CONSISTS OF

CALIFORNIA, OREGON, AND WASHINGTON.

AND ACCORDING TO CALIFORNIA'S GOVERNOR, GAVIN NEWSOM, WILL BE

GUIDED BY "FACTS," "EVIDENCE" AND "SCIENCE," USING

"CALIFORNIA-BASED THINKING."

CALIFORNIA-BASED THINKING, SO THEIR

SCIENCE BROS AND BRO-ETTES ARE GOING TO MAKE DECISIONS BASED ON

EVIDENCE THAT'S HELLA TIGHT.

AND THE MASKS WILL BE MADE OF AVOCADOS.

NEWSOM WANTS TO GRADUALLY EASE RESTRICTIONS IN CALIFORNIA, IN

WHAT HE CALLED, A "BOTTOM UP" PLAN-- NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH A

"BOTTOMS UP" PLAN, WHICH IS TO KEEP DRINKING UNTIL THIS IS

OVER.

RIGHT NOW, WE'RE STILL IN CLINICAL TRIALS.

MMM.

MMM.

INCONCLUSIVE.

BUT YESTERDAY, TRUMP INSISTED, DESPITE WHAT THE STATES THINK,

HE'S THE ONE IN CHARGE, BECAUSE WHEN SOMEONE'S PRESIDENT, THEIR

AUTHORITY IS TOTAL.

AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF THE PRESIDENT SAYING

THAT, JIM.

>> RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH!

>> Stephen: HE LOOKS GOOD.

OH, I'M SORRY, I'M BEING TOLD THAT THAT WAS ACTUALLY A "SOUTH

PARK" CARTOON AND THEY KNEW THAT.

HERE'S THE ACTUAL FOOTAGE.

>> WHEN SOMEBODY IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES,

THE AUTHORITY IS TOTAL.

>> Stephen: WELL I'LL GIVE HIM THIS MUCH: HE DOES HAVE

AUTHORITY, AND THE COUNTRY IS TOTALED.

ONE REPORTER CHALLENGED TRUMP'S CLAIM.

>> Reporter: YOU SAID WHEN SOMEONE IS PRESIDENT OF THE

UNITED STATES, THEIR AUTHORITY IS TOTAL.

THAT IS NOT TRUE.

WHO TOLD YOU THAT?

>> YOU KNOW WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO?

WE'RE GOING TO WRITE UP PAPERS ON THIS.

>> Stephen: OH, GOOD.

I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER.

NOW, NEW YORK'S GOVERNOR, ANDREW CUOMO, WAS ON "CBS THIS MORNING"

THIS MORNING ON "CBS THIS MORNING," ON CBS,

AND HE IS NOT BUYING THE PRESIDENT'S ASSERTION OF

AUTHORITY.

>> THE PRESIDENT'S POSITION IS JUST ABSURD.

IT'S NOT THE LAW.

IT'S NOT THE CONSTITUTION.

WE DON'T HAVE A KING.

>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW.

SEEMS LIKE A KING: GOLDEN CROWN, MULTIPLE WIVES,

INBRED SONS.

AND CUOMO ALSO REMINDED HIS FELLOW GOVERNORS NOT TO TAKE

TRUMP'S PROPAGANDA-INFUSED PRESS CONFERENCES SERIOUSLY.

>> A GOVERNOR SHOULD NOT WATCH THAT.

THERE IS NO VALUE IN IT.

IT WOULD BE-- IT IS INFURIATING AND OFFENSIVE AND, FRANKLY,

IGNORANT OF THE FACTS.

IF IT WASN'T SO SERIOUS, IT WOULD BE FUNNY, ALL OF THIS.

IT COULD BE A COMEDY SKIT.

>> Stephen: SIR, ON BEHALF OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE DEDICATED

THEIR ENTIRE LIVES TO COMEDY SKITS, I AM OFFENDED BY THE

COMPARISON.

COMEDY SKITS SHOULD BE LESS THAN TWO AND A HALF HOURS, AND

THE PUNCHLINE SHOULDN'T MAKE YOU WANT TO PUNCH SOMEONE IN THE

FACE.

LATER IN THE DAY, CUOMO SAID IF TRUMP ORDERED HIM TO REOPEN HIS

STATE IN A WAY THAT WOULD ENDANGER PEOPLE, HE WOULDN'T

DO IT.

THAT MAY HAVE LED TO THIS STRANGE TWEET:

"TELL THE DEMOCRAT GOVERNORS THAT 'MUTINY ON THE BOUNTY' WAS

ONE OF MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE MOVIES.

A GOOD, OLD-FASHIONED MUTINY EVERY NOW AND THEN IS AN

EXCITING AND INVIGORATING THING TO WATCH, ESPECIALLY WHEN THE

MUTINEERS NEED SO MUCH FROM THE CAPTAIN.

TOO EASY!" FIRST OF ALL, WHAT?

SECOND OF ALL, WHAT THE (BLEEP) ?

THIRD OF ALL, FOR ONE OF HIS FAVORITE MOVIES, TRUMP IS NOT

CLEAR ON THE PLOT OF "MUTINY ON THE BOUNTY."

THINGS DO NOT TURN OUT WELL FOR CAPTAIN BLIGH.

HE'S OVERTHROWN AND ENDS UP IN A TINY BOAT ROWING BACK TO

ENGLAND.

GOD, I HOPE THIS IS LIKE "MUTINY ON THE BOUNTY."

DOES TRUMP MISINTERPRET EVERY MOVIE HE SEES?

( AS TRUMP ) "LOOK, TELL THE DEMOCRAT

GOVERNORS THAT 'SILENCE OF THE LAMBS' ONE OF MY ALL-TIME

FAVORITE MOVIES.

IT'S ABOUT A CONCERNED SCIENTIST TRYING TO CATCH A KILLER AND

COMING UP WITH CREATIVE FAVA BEAN RECIPES FOR EVERYONE.

HE'S GOT QUARANTINED IN HIS BASEMENT PIT.

THE GOVERNOR OPENS UP ITS STATE, OR IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN."

NW, BEFORE ALL THE FIREWORKS BEGAN, TRUMP'S BRIEFING STARTED

WITH A PUBLIC HUMILIATION OF DR. ANTHONY FAUCI.

YOU SEE, ON SUNDAY, DR. FAUCI SAID HE HAD RECEIVED PUSHBACK ON

ENACTING LIFE-SAVING SOCIAL DISTANCING EARLIER IN THE

PANDEMIC, BUT HE WALKED THAT BACK AT THE PRESS CONFERENCE IN

FRONT OF THE PRESIDENT.

>> YOU SAID THERE WAS PUSHBACK.

WHERE DID THAT PUSHBACK COME FROM?

>> NO, IT WASN'T.

THAT WAS THE WRONG CHOICE OF WORDS.

>> Stephen: (AS FAUCI) "SPECIFICALLY, IT WAS THE WRONG

CHOICE TO USE WORDS.

WHEN DESCRIBING THIS ADMINISTRATION'S RESPONSE, I

REALLY SHOULD HAVE JUST SAID 'AHHHHH!

GRRRRRRR!

YEESH!

HOO!

CUCKOO!'" PAULA REID WAS ALSO SKEPTICAL

ABOUT FAUCI'S SINCERITY.

>> Reporter: ARE YOU DOING THIS VOLUNTARILY, OR DID THE

PRESIDENT OR THE VICE PRESIDENT ASK YOU TO DO THIS?

>> NO, I'M DOING IT.

EVERYTHING I DO IS VOLUNTARILY.

PLEASE, DON'T EVEN IMPLY THAT.

>> Stephen: YES, THIS IS THE UNIVERSAL SIGN FOR "I'M NOT A

HOSTAGE."

"DON'T EVEN IMPLY THAT I'M BLINKING OUT A DIFFERENT MESSAGE