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  • >> Stephen: HELLO!

  • HEY!

  • AND WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU.

  • I CAN'T SEE YOU.

  • I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU.

  • I MISS YOU.

  • I KNOW YOU GET TO SEE ME, BUT THIS IS A ONE-WAY STREET.

  • AND I REALLY LIKE MY AUDIENCE.

  • I LIKE THE CONNECTION.

  • I LIKE THE GIVE AND TAKE.

  • I LIKE THE ENERGY.

  • YOU KNOW WHO REALLY, REALLY MISSES HAVING AN AUDIENCE?

  • DONALD TRUMP.

  • YOU SEE, HE CAN'T HOLD RALLIES YOU SEE, HE CAN'T HOLD RALLIES

  • RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE THE CORONAVIRUS WOULD THREATEN THE

  • LIVES OF HIS SUPPORTERS.

  • AND POLITICS 101 IS "DON'T KILL YOUR VOTERS."

  • REMEMBER, ADLAI STEVENSON LOST WITH HIS SLOGAN, "I WILL MURDER

  • ALL OF YOU IN '52."

  • SO TRUMP HAS TURNED THE CORONAVIRUS PRESS BRIEFINGS INTO

  • THE WHITE HOUSE EVERYDAY INTO LITTLE RALLIES, WHERE HE

  • RAMBLES INCOHERENTLY AND ATTACKS THE PRESS.

  • AND YESTERDAY, HE OUTDID HIMSELF WITH A HISSY FIT MELT-DOWN THAT

  • CLOCKED IN AT A GENERALISSIMO-MAS-GRANDE OF

  • TWO HOURS AND 24 MINUTES.

  • IT WAS LIKE WATCHING "THE IRISHMAN" WITH JUST ONE

  • UNCONVINCINGLY DE-AGED CRIMINAL.

  • TRUMP WAS ANGRY, YOU SEE, WITH ALL THE EXPOSES PUBLISHED THIS

  • PAST WEEKEND ABOUT HIS WELL-KNOWN PUBLIC FAILURE TO

  • TAKE THE CORONAVIRUS SERIOUSLY.

  • SO, HE FORCED THE ASSEMBLED PRESS TO WATCH A VIDEO OF HIS

  • SUPPOSED CORONAVIRUS SUCCESS: >> WE'LL ANSWER SOME QUESTIONS.

  • I'LL ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS, BECAUSE YOU'RE SO GUILTY.

  • BUT FORGET IT.

  • BUT, MOST IMPORTANTLY, WE'RE GOING TO GET BACK ONTO THE

  • REASON WE'RE HERE, WHICH IS THE SUCCESS WE'RE HAVING.

  • OKAY.

  • PLEASE, IF YOU COULD PUT IT UP.

  • THANK YOU.

  • >> WE SHOULD BE MORE CONCERNED RIGHT NOW...

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, IT'S RIDICULOUS

  • THAT THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES USED A

  • PRESS BRIEFING ON A GLOBAL PANDEMIC TO SUBJECT A WORRIED

  • NATION TO A PROPAGANDA VIDEO.

  • AND SECOND, YOUR PROPAGANDA SUCKS.

  • ALL CAPS BLACK LETTERS ON A WHITE BACKGROUND?

  • HELVETICA?

  • ARE YOU BOASTING ABOUT YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS OR OFFERING TO

  • TEACH US GUITAR?

  • THE ONLY PURPOSE OF THE PRESS BRIEFING IS TO GIVE VALUABLE

  • INFORMATION TO A CONFUSED PUBLIC IN

  • THE MIDDLE OF A NATIONAL CRISIS.

  • SO, OF COURSE, TRUMP USED IT TO BRAG ABOUT HIMSELF.

  • IT'S LIKE IF THE FIREMAN SHOWED UP TO YOUR BURNING HOUSE, AND

  • INSTEAD OF PICKING UP A HOSE SAID, "WOW, THIS INFERNO IS THE

  • PERFECT BACKDROP FOR MY ONE-MAN SHOW ABOUT HOW IT'S NOT MY

  • FAULT YOUR HOUSE IS BURNING DOWN.

  • AND A 5-6-7-8.

  • ♪ I DIDN'T START THE FIRE!

  • IT WAS ALWAYS BURNINGBUT YOU DIDN'T LISTEN

  • IS THERE ANY CLAPPING IN THAT SONG?

  • >> NO CLAPPING.

  • >> Stephen: NO CLAPPING IN THAT SONG.

  • BUT THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.

  • I WAS-- WAS I ON KEY?

  • >> YOU WERE-- YOU WERE PRETTY CLOSE.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, I WAS PRETTY CLOSE.

  • TRUMP'S VIDEO ABOUT THE BOLD ACTION HE TOOK SKIPPED OVER A

  • COUPLE OF THINGS-- FOR INSTANCE, IT SKIPPED OVER THE ENTIRE MONTH

  • OF FEBRUARY.

  • SOCBS REPORTER PAULA REID HAD THE TEMERITY TO ASK HIM ABOUT

  • THAT.

  • >> Reporter: WHAT DID YOUR ADMINISTRATION DO IN FEBRUARY

  • WITH THE TIME THAT YOUR TRAVEL BAN BOUGHT YOU?

  • >> A LOT.

  • A LOT.

  • >> Reporter: WHAT?

  • >> AND, IN FACT, WE'LL GIVE YOU A LIST.

  • WHAT WE DID-- IN FACT, PART OF IT WAS UP THERE.

  • WE DID A LOT.

  • LOOK, LOOK.

  • YOU KNOW YOU'RE A FAKE.

  • YOU KNOW THAT.

  • YOUR WHOLE NETWORK, THE WAY YOU COVER IT IS FAKE.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "YOU'RE A FAKE.

  • YOU KNOW YOU'RE A FAKE.

  • YOU KNOW FEBRUARY IS A FAKE MONTH.

  • THERE ARE A LOT OF FAKE MONTHS.

  • SOME OF THEM ARE REAL: JANUARY, MARCH-BRUARY, BRAPRIL,

  • OCTOPUSSY, AND SANTA-CON."

  • BUT TRUE TO HIS WORD, TRUMP DID HAVE A LIST OF WHAT HE DID TO

  • FIGHT THE CORONAVIRUS IN FEBRUARY, AND IN "A LATE SHOW"

  • EXCLUSIVELY, I'VE GOT IT RIGHT HERE.

  • IT INCLUDES, A LOT.

  • "BANGED ON POTS IN CASE VIRUS IS LIKE BEARS."

  • "SENT VIRUS $130K TO GO AWAY."

  • "WROTE ANGRY LETTER TO PRIME MINISTER OF CORONA."

  • "QUARANTINED ERIC."

  • "BLAMED OBAMA."

  • HAVE THAT N NOTARIZED IS AND SEN TO THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS.

  • YOU WERE LYING AT A WOMAN, AND WHAT YOU WERE LYING ABOUT

  • HAPPENED LESS THAN TWO MONTHS AGO.

  • WE'RE ALL HERE, AND WE HAVE SOMETHING CALLED CAMERAS AND

  • THEY RECORDED YOU SAYING THIS.

  • >> WE HAVE THE GREATEST DOCTORS IN THE WORLD.

  • WE HAVE IT VERY MUCH UNDER CONTROL.

  • >> THE PEOPLE ARE GETTING BETTER.

  • THEY'RE ALL GETTING BETTER.

  • >> WE HAVE IT SO MUCH UNDER CONTROL.

  • WE REALLY HAVE DONE A REALLY GOOD JOB

  • NOW THE DEMOCRATS ARE POLITICIZING THE CORONAVIRUS.

  • THIS IS THEIR NEW HOAKS.

  • THERE'S NO REASON TO PANIC AT ALL.

  • IT'S GOING TO DISAPPEAR.

  • ONE DAY, IT'S LIKE A MIRACLE.

  • IT WILL DISAPPEAR.

  • WHEN YOU HAVE 15 PEOPLE, AND THE 15, WITHIN A COUPLE OF DAYS, IS

  • GOING TO BE DOWN TO CLOSE TO ZERO.

  • >> Stephen: WE WERE THAT!

  • WE'RE NOT GOLD FISH.

  • YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW?

  • GOLDFISH CAN STILL GO TO SCHOOLS.

  • WE ALL REMEMBER THAT TRUMP, THE REPUBLICANS, FOX NEWS DOWNPLAYED

  • THE SERIOUSNESS OF THIS VIRUS AND TOLD US ALL TO DO NOTHING.

  • THEY TOOK ALL THEIR CHIPS, AND THEY BET THE UNDER, AND THEY

  • LOST.

  • I'M NOT SURPRISED THEY LOST.

  • SO TRUMP HAS NO CHIPS BUT SOMEHOW BELIEVES HE'S A DEALER.

  • CASE IN POINT, REOPENING THE COUNTRY.

  • TRUMP THINKS HE'S THE THE ONE WHO GETS TO DO IT, WHILE THE

  • STATES SAY, "NO, WE'RE GOOD."

  • GOVERNORS ON THE EAST AND WEST COASTS HAVE FORMED PACTS TO

  • DECIDE WHEN TO OPEN THEIR STATE.

  • OKAY, GROUPS OF STATES BANDING TOGETHER REGIONALLY TO DO THINGS

  • ON THEIR OWN IS ALWAYS A HARBINGER OF GOOD THINGS TO COME

  • IN AMERICA, RIGHT?

  • IT'S LIKE THAT FAMOUS QUOTE, "A HOUSE DIVIDED AGAINST ITSELF

  • IS GOING TO BE FUN."

  • THE WEST COAST GROUP-- OR WESTERN STATE PACT-- CONSISTS OF

  • CALIFORNIA, OREGON, AND WASHINGTON.

  • AND ACCORDING TO CALIFORNIA'S GOVERNOR, GAVIN NEWSOM, WILL BE

  • GUIDED BY "FACTS," "EVIDENCE" AND "SCIENCE," USING

  • "CALIFORNIA-BASED THINKING."

  • CALIFORNIA-BASED THINKING, SO THEIR

  • SCIENCE BROS AND BRO-ETTES ARE GOING TO MAKE DECISIONS BASED ON

  • EVIDENCE THAT'S HELLA TIGHT.

  • AND THE MASKS WILL BE MADE OF AVOCADOS.

  • NEWSOM WANTS TO GRADUALLY EASE RESTRICTIONS IN CALIFORNIA, IN

  • WHAT HE CALLED, A "BOTTOM UP" PLAN-- NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH A

  • "BOTTOMS UP" PLAN, WHICH IS TO KEEP DRINKING UNTIL THIS IS

  • OVER.

  • RIGHT NOW, WE'RE STILL IN CLINICAL TRIALS.

  • MMM.

  • MMM.

  • INCONCLUSIVE.

  • BUT YESTERDAY, TRUMP INSISTED, DESPITE WHAT THE STATES THINK,

  • HE'S THE ONE IN CHARGE, BECAUSE WHEN SOMEONE'S PRESIDENT, THEIR

  • AUTHORITY IS TOTAL.

  • AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF THE PRESIDENT SAYING

  • THAT, JIM.

  • >> RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH!

  • >> Stephen: HE LOOKS GOOD.

  • OH, I'M SORRY, I'M BEING TOLD THAT THAT WAS ACTUALLY A "SOUTH

  • PARK" CARTOON AND THEY KNEW THAT.

  • HERE'S THE ACTUAL FOOTAGE.

  • >> WHEN SOMEBODY IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES,

  • THE AUTHORITY IS TOTAL.

  • >> Stephen: WELL I'LL GIVE HIM THIS MUCH: HE DOES HAVE

  • AUTHORITY, AND THE COUNTRY IS TOTALED.

  • ONE REPORTER CHALLENGED TRUMP'S CLAIM.

  • >> Reporter: YOU SAID WHEN SOMEONE IS PRESIDENT OF THE

  • UNITED STATES, THEIR AUTHORITY IS TOTAL.

  • THAT IS NOT TRUE.