I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.

I WAS JUST TALKING TO MY SON PETER WHO IS MY CREW.

MY WIFE IS OUT GETTING ME A COCKTAIL.

IT'S THE LAST SHOW OF THE WEEK.

I NORMALLY HAVE A COCKTAIL AT THE END OF THE LAST SHOW OF THE

WEEK, BUT YOU KNOWçó WHAT?

I DON'T THINK I CAN WAIT THAT LONG.

HAPPY THURSDAY.

YOU SEE, DURING SOCIAL ISOLATION, I'VE

ASKED MY WRITERS TO MARK THE PASSAGE OF TIME, SO WHEN I READ

THIS SCRIPT I'LL KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS.

THURSDAY.

TODAY-- WHICH, AGAIN, IS THURSDAY, STEPHEN-- THE

CORONAVIRUS CONTINUES TO RAVAGE THE COUNTRY.

BUT THERE ARE SIGNS THAT SOCIAL DISTANCING IS WORKING, THOUGH

THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE CAN GO BACK TO NORMAL ANY TIME SOON-- OR

MAYBE EVER.

AT LEAST ACCORDING TO IMMUNOLOGIST AND MAN WHO JUST

REALIZED HE'S TOUCHING HIS FACE, DR. ANTHONY FAUCI.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THIS IS -- I MARRIED THE RIGHT GIRL.

CHEERS.

MMM!

OH, YEAH.

THAT IS LOVELY.

WHOO -- FRUIT OF THE VIERNTION WORK OF THE HUMAN HANDS, IT

SHALL BECOME FOR US OUR SPIRITUAL DRINK.

( LAUGHTER ) ON TUESDAY, FAUCI EXPLAINED THAT

WE'VE GOT TO TAKE IT SLOW.

>> WHEN YOU GRADUALLY GET BACK, YOU DON'T JUMP INTO IT WITH BOTH

FEET.

YOU SAY, YOU KNOW, WHAT ARE THE THINGS YOU COULD STILL DO AND

STILL APPROACH NORMAL?

ONE OF THEM IS ABSOLUTE COMPULSIVE HAND WASHING.

>> STEPHEN: YES, DR. FAUCI WANTS COMPULSIVE HAND WASHING TO BE

THE NEW NORMAL, WHICH IS GREAT NEWS FOR ANYONE WITH OBSESSIVE

COMPULSIVE DISORDER.

CONGRATULATIONS, YOU NOW HAVE -- YOU'RE LAUGHING.

YOU'RE LAUGHING.

NOT AT THE JOKE, YOU'RE LAUGHING AT ME.

ALL RIGHT, DO EITHER ONE OF YOU WANT TO GET IN HERE, BY THE WAY,

OR ARE YOU JUST GOING TO LURK IN THE DOORWAY?

ANYBODY WANT TO GET BACK IN HERE?

OKAY, THIS IS ALL GOING TO BE IN THE SHOW.

ARE YOU GOING TO STAY OVER THERE OR COME IN HERE?

ARE YOU AFRAID I'M GOING TO BITE?

IT'S BEEN A LONG WEEK, I'M SURE IT HAS BEEN FOR YOU, TOO.

HERE WE GO.

I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE THIS IS STILL -- YEAH, I JUST WANT TO

MAKE SURE THEY HADN'T SWITCHED IT OUT.

DR. FAUCI WANTS PULSATIVE HAND WASHINGTON NORMAL.

WHICH IS GREAT NEWS FOR ANYONE WITH OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE

DISORDER. CONGRATULATIONS, YOU NOW HAVE "OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE

ORDER." ALSO BEING RECOMMENDED BY THE C.D.C. NEXT: COUNTING THE

TILES ON YOUR KITCHEN FLOOR AND MAKING SURE YOUR SHOES ALL FACE

NORTH.

FAUCI WENT ON: >> THE OTHER ONE IS YOU DON'T

EVER SHAKE ANYBODY'S HANDS.

THAT'S CLEAR.

I DON'T THINK THAT WE SHOULD EVER SHAKE HANDS EVER AGAIN, TO

BE HONEST WITH YOU.

>> STEPHEN: NEVER SHAKE HANDS.

THAT IS BAD NEWS FOR THE SECRET SOCIETIES.

"WELCOME TO THE EXALTED BROTHERHOOD.

WE SHALL NOW ANOINT YOU WITH THE SCEPTER OF REBIRTH, AND TEACH

YOU THE SECRET... ELBOW BUMP."

WILL THAT DO?

WILL THAT -- ENRIQUE BLOOMENCROFTON...

THERE ARE SOME OTHER UNEXPECTED SILVER LININGS TO THIS.

AFTER FIVE YEARS OF BRUTAL CONFLICT SAUDI ARABIA AND YEMEN

HAVE ANNOUNCED A CEASE-FIRE AMID THE PANDEMIC.

YES, THEY KNOW RIGHT NOW IS JUST NOT A SAFE TIME TO KILL EACH

OTHER.

IN PREDICTABLE PANDEMIC NEWS, A NEW SURVEY FINDS THAT POT USE

REACHED AN ALL-TIME HIGH IN MARCH AMID LOCKDOWN MEASURES.

REALLY, ALL-TIME HIGH?

YOU WEREN'T WITH ME, CHIEF BIG BONG AND THE WARRIOR BACK IN '82

HOT-BOXING OUT AT THE POINT.

THAT WAS THE ALL-TIME HIGH.

WHOO!

I'M JOKING, OBVIOUSLY.

IT MAKES SENSE THAT THESE DAYS A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE GETTING STRESS

BAKED.

YOU'RE ALREADY ON THE COUCH ALL DAY, IN YOUR PAJAMAS, WATCHING

NETFLIX AND EATING BEEFARONI OUT OF A CAN.

HEY, IT'S COVID-420 SOMEWHERE.

BUT BE CAREFUL POT-THUSIASTS.

THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO BE DOING ANYTHING THAT MAKES YOU COUGH

AND BE PARANOID.

SO STOP SMOKING.

EAT EDIBLES INSTEAD.

OR IF THAT DOESN'T WORK FOR YOU, TRY SNOOP DOGG'S NEW LINE OF

SU-POT-SITORIES.

PUT THE SHIZZLE UP YOUR BIZZLE!

TRY THE TUSH KUSH.

OF COURSE, ALL THE EXPERTS AGREE THAT THE ONLY WAY OUT OF THIS

PANDEMIC IS TO INCREASE, IN ANY WAY POSSIBLE, WIDELY-AVAILABLE

TESTING.

SO, YESTERDAY IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT THE WHITE HOUSE WILL END

FEDERAL SUPPORT FOR CORONAVIRUS-TESTING SITES ON

FRIDAY.

WHY IS TRUMP OPPOSED TO THE TESTING?

THEY'RE CORONAVIRUS TESTS, NOT PATERNITY TESTS.

INSTEAD, THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT WILL BE TRANSITIONING TO

STATE-MANAGED TESTING SITES, PART OF TRUMP'S STRATEGY TO

SHIFT RESPONSIBILITY TO STATES.

OH, IF ONLY THERE WERE SOME WAY TO COORDINATE AMONG THE STATES,

SOME WAY TO, I DON'T KNOW, UNITE THE STATES OF AMERICA UNDER ONE

GOVERNMENT THAT HAD, LET'S SAY, AN EMERGENCY MANAGEMENT AGENCY

ON A FEDERAL LEVEL.

I JUST WANT TO SAY, "HECK OF A JOB, TRUMPIE."

BUT THE PRESIDENT IS UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE.

HE'S FACING THE PROSPECT OF RUNNING FOR REELECTION AFTER

BOTCHING THE RESPONSE TO A GLOBAL PANDEMIC.

SO IT'S NO SURPRISE HE WANTS TO GET THE ECONOMY UP AND RUNNING

AGAIN, BUT THIS TWEET MAY HAVE BEEN A TAD INSENSITIVE.

"ONCE WE OPEN UP OUR GREAT COUNTRY, AND IT WILL BE SOONER

RATHER THAN LATER, THE HORROR OF THE INVISIBLE ENEMY, EXCEPT FOR

THOSE THAT SADLY LOST A FAMILY MEMBER OR FRIEND, MUST BE

QUICKLY FORGOTTEN."

YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING, "THOSE WHO FORGET THE PAST, ARE MORE

LIKELY TO VOTE FOR DONALD TRUMP."

WITH EVERYONE STAYING HOME TO STOP THE VIRUS, AMERICANS ARE

BEING HIT HARD BY JOB LOSSES.

16 MILLION PEOPLE HAVE FILED FOR UNEMPLOYMENT IN THE PAST THREE

WEEKS.

AND WITH SO MANY PEOPLE FILING FOR UNEMPLOYMENT, IT'S

OVERLOADING THE SYSTEM.

ONE PERSON RECENTLY LAID OFF IN TEXAS SAID SHE, "HAD NOT MANAGED

TO FILE DESPITE MORE THAN 1,200 ATTEMPTS, SOME AT 1:00 A.M."

BEING OUT OF A JOB SHOULD NOT BE A FULL-TIME JOB.

THANKFULLY, MANY AMERICANS ARE STILL WORKING, AND SOME OF THEM

ARE RISKING THEIR LIVES TO HELP US THROUGH THIS CRISIS.

INCLUDING FAST FOOD WORKERS WHO ARE GOING ON STRIKE

DEMANDING PAID SICK LEAVE AND MORE PROTECTIONS AT WORK.

EVIDENTLY, THOSE HAIRNETS CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH.

WORKERS ARE WALKING OUT AT MCDONALD'S, PIZZA HUT, SUBWAY,

POPEYE'S, DOMINO'S, BURGER KING, AND TACO BELL, ASKING FOR MASKS,

GLOVES, SOAP, AND TWO WEEKS OF PAID SICK LEAVE TO WORKERS

EXPOSED TO COVID-19.

I WANT THEM TO HAVE THOSE THINGS.

I DON'T WANT A CONTAGIOUS PERSON MAKING MY NACHOS!

IF I GET SICK FROM EATING AT TACO BELL, I WANT IT TO BE

BECAUSE I ATE TACO BELL!

AS GOD INTENDED.

SPEAKING OF GOD -- HERE'S TO YOU, BIG FELLA -- I JUST WANT TO

SAY TO MY JEWISH VIEWERS, MERRY PASSOVER.

TONIGHT'S THE SECOND NIGHT OF PASSOVER.

I THINK IT GOES "TWO RABBIS A-LEAPIN'."

NOW, IF YOU'RE OBSERVING PASSOVER, YOU'RE HOLDING SEDER.

AND THAT BIG FAMILY MEAL MAY HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT THIS YEAR,

BECAUSE MANY ARE OPTING TO HOLD THEIR SEDERS ON ZOOM.

OF COURSE, TONIGHT STARTED WITH THE TRADITIONAL JEWISH PRAYER

OF, "NANA, YOU'RE MUTED!" THE SEDER TELLS THE STORY OF THE

ISRAELITES ESCAPING SLAVERY IN EGYPT.

IT'S ALL ABOUT PLAGUES.

WE CAN RELATE.

I'VE BEEN PUTTING LAMB'S BLOOD ON MY DOOR FRAME JUST TO WARD

OFF GRUB HUB.

I'VE GOT TO CUT OUT THE CARBS.

TRADITIONALLY, ON PASSOVER, YOU SAVE A PLACE FOR ELIJAH AND

SOMEONE GETS UP AND CHECKS TO SEE IF HE'S AT THE DOOR.

BUT THIS YEAR, IF HE'S THERE, DON'T LET HIM IN.

HE'S 3,000 YEARS OLD.

EASTER IS ALSO THIS WEEKEND.

AND IT'S GOING TO BE A STRANGE ONE.■

INSTEAD OF CELEBRATING IN THE CHURCH, WE'LL BE CELEBRATING IN

SWEATPANTS.

OR IN NO PANTS.

DEPENDS ON YOUR DENOMINATION.

RECENTLY, THE VATICAN PUBLISHED GUIDELINES FOR EASTER

CELEBRATIONS DURING CORONAVIRUS, INCLUDING A DECREE FOR PRIESTS

SAYING THEY MAY OFFER THE LITURGIES IN THEIR PARISHES

WITHOUT THE PHYSICAL PRESENCE OF THE FAITHFUL.

SO THEY'RE GOING TO DO THE MASS WITH NOBODY THERE.

WELL, AS SOMEONE WHO'S BEEN PERFORMING WITH NO AUDIENCE FOR

A FEW WEEKS NOW, I FEEL FOR THOSE PRIESTS.

MY ADVICE: BRING YOUR DOG IN ONCE IN AWHILE.

OKAY?

PEOPLE LIKE THAT.

MAKE SURE YOU CHANGE HIS COLLAR.

A CHURCH IN TEXAS PLANNED SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR THE KIDS

IN THEIR PARISH, A VIRTUAL EASTER EGG HUNT IN "MINECRAFT."

A LITTLE UNORTHODOX, BUT BETTER THAN THEIR ORIGINAL PLAN, A

"FORTNITE" BUNNY ROYALE.

WITH EVERYBODY CHANGING HOW THEY CELEBRATE THE HIGH HOLY DAYS, I

THOUGHT NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO CHECK IN WITH GOD TO SEE WHAT

HE THINKS OF ALL THIS.

PLEASE WELCOME, FRIEND OF THE SHOW, THE ALMIGHTY.

LORD, THANKS FOR JOINING US.

>> MY PLEASURE, STEPHEN.

NICE TO TALK TO ANYBODY.

I WAS GETTING A LITTLE SQUIRRELLY.

>> STEPHEN: WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW, LORD?

>> TECHNICALLY, I'M EVERYWHERE, BUT SPECIFICALLY I'M RIDING IT

OUT AT MY CABIN IN IDAHO.

I'M A PREPPER.

I'VE GOT TWO YEARS OF FREEZE-DRIED BEEF STROGANOFF.

>> STEPHEN: YOU'RE A PREPPER?

>> OH, YEAH.

GOTTA BE PREPARED FOR NATURAL DISASTERS.

I'M ALL-LOVING, BUT I'M ALSO VERY MOODY.

WHO KNOWS WHAT I'M GOING TO DO NEXT?

>> STEPHEN: WHAT ABOUT UP IN HEAVEN?

ARE THEY SOCIAL DISTANCING?

>> OH, YEAH.

ME AND THE ANGELS ARE DOING ALL OUR MEETINGS OVER ZOOM NOW.

I'M GETTING PRETTY GOOD AT IT.

LOOK, I CAN CHANGE MY BACKGROUND.

NOW I'M IN THE BAHAMAS.

NOW I'M IN THAT HOUSE FROM PARASITE.

NOW I'M IN HELL!

OH!

THAT ONE USUALLY GETS A LAUGH.

BOY, I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO THIS WITHOUT AN AUDIENCE, STEVE.

>> Stephen: IT'S NOT EASY.

SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS EASTER?

>> OH, CELEBRATING AT HOME.

HAVING DINNER WITH THE SON AND THE HOLY SPIRIT.

WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE AROUND EACH OTHER, BUT WE'RE ONE IN THE

SAME BEING SO, THAT MAKES IT TOUGH.

AND IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO PICK A TV SHOW.

JESUS HASN'T CAUGHT UP WITH "TIGER KING" YET, BUT I'M LIKE,

"YOU CAN'T CALL 'NO SPOILERS' ETERNITY, J-DOG!"

>> STEPHEN: WELL, I'LL LET YOU GO, GOD.

I'M SURE YOU'RE BUSY.

>> YEAH, I GOTTA GIVE MYSELF A HAIRCUT, THEN TURN WATER INTO

WINE AND THEN WINE INTO TOILET PAPER.

>> STEPHEN: GOD EVERYBODY!

WE'VE GOT A SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL BE TALKING TO THE HOSTS OF "POD

SAVE AMERICA," JOHN MEACHAM, AND A PERFORMANCE BY DAVE MATTHEWS.