I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT.

I HOPE YOU'RE SAFE AND SOUND.

WE'RE ENDERRING WEEK FOUR OF SELF-ISOLATION.

OR, AS HISTORIANS WILL CALL IT, "CANNED BEEF WEEK."

GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS AND HEALTH EXPERTS ARE WARNING THAT THIS IS

GOING TO BE THE TOUGHEST WEEK YET OF THE CORONAVIRUS.

A LOT OF AMERICANS ARE GOING TO GET THIS, AND SOME OF THEM ARE

GOING TO DIE.

I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT YOU AND YOUR FAMILIES ARE IN OUR

THOUGHTS, AND IF YOU WANT THEM, MY PRAYERS.

BUT I'M GUESSING THAT'S NOT WHY YOU TUNED IN TONIGHT.

YOU'RE HERE FOR THE JOKES.

SO LET'S GIVE THAT A SHOT.

THERE IS ONE OPTIMIST IN THIS SEA OF SOBER REALITY: DONALD

TRUMP.

AFTER SAYING YESTERDAY THAT THIS WAS GOING TO BE A TOUGH WEEK,

THIS MORNING HE TWEETED, "LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!"

( LAUGHTER ) CAN I HELP YOU?

HOLD ON.

LOOK WHO JUST GOT HERE!

LOOK WHO RUINED MY FIRST TAKE!

( LAUGHTER ) IT'S OKAY.

IT'S OKAY.

THERE YOU GO.

HI.

TRUMP'S JUST TRYING TO LIFT THE NATIONAL MOOD, WHICH IS WHY HE'S

INTRODUCING HIS OWN LINE OF MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS CALLED

"SHOUT-SPIRATIONS," FEATURING HOPEFUL ALL-CAPS MESSAGES LIKE:

(AS TRUMP) "THE GLASS IS HALF-FULL!"

"IT'S ALWAYS DARKEST BEFORE THE DAWN!"

AND, "EVERY DAY IS A GIFT!" DESPITE EXPERTS SAYING WE NEED A

NATIONAL STAY-AT-HOME ORDER, TRUMP HAS REFUSED TO IMPLEMENT

ONE, SO SOCIAL DISTANCING REQUIREMENTS HAVE BEEN LEFT UP

TO THE STATES, AND WHILE SOME STATE OFFICIALS ARE TAKING IT

SERIOUSLY, OTHERS ARE NOT.

TAKE GEORGIA GOVERNOR BRIAN KEMP, SEEN HERE TRYING TO

REMEMBER HIS OWN NAME.

EVEN THOUGH MANY GEORGIA TOURIST AREAS DECIDED TO CLOSE DURING

THE PANDEMIC, KEMP ENRAGED LOCAL LEADERS BY REOPENING ALL THE

STATE'S BEACHES, AN ORDER WHICH SUPERSEDES THOSE ISSUED ON THE

CITY OR COUNTY LEVEL.

THAT WOULD BE LIKE A TEENAGER DECIDING NOT TO GO TO A HOUSE

PARTY AND HIS DAD SAYING, "NO, YOU WILL GO, YOU WILL DRINK TOO

MUCH JAGERMEISTER, AND YOU WILL TRY TO JUMP OVER THE BONFIRE TO

IMPRESS THE SENIORS, YOUNG MAN!"

AND IF THERE IS NO VOMIT ON THOSE SHOES WHEN YOU COME BACK

THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY, YOUNG MAN.

HERE ARE MY KEYS!

SOME LOCAL OFFICIALS ARE CUSTOMIZING THEIR

REQUIREMENTS.

FOR EXAMPLE, INSTEAD OF STAY SIX FEET APART, ONE FLORIDA COUNTY

TOLD RESIDENTS TO KEEP AT LEAST ONE LARGE ALLIGATOR BETWEEN

YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE AT ALL TIMES.

LUCKILY, EVERYONE IN FLORIDA IS ISSUED AN ALLIGATOR.

AND, OF COURSE, YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO KEEP SIX FEET AWAY FROM

THE ALLIGATOR.

FLORIDA HAS INSPIRED OTHER STATES TO EXPLAIN SOCIAL

DISTANCING IN WAYS LOCALS CAN UNDERSTAND.

GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS IN COLORADO SAY YOU SHOULD STAND ABOUT TWO

BONGS AWAY FROM EACH OTHER.

OR ONE REALLY GOOD BONG.

IF YOU LIVE IN PHILADELPHIA, KEEP A DISTANCE OF AT LEAST ONE

PASSED-OUT EAGLES FAN.

IN CALIFORNIA, A SAFE DISTANCE BETWEEN PEOPLE IS ABOUT TWO AND

A HALF KEVIN HARTS.

AND CITIZENS OF RHODE ISLAND ARE BEING ENCOURAGED TO STAY ONE

RHODE ISLAND AWAY FROM EACH OTHER.

LOUISIANA'S GOVERNOR HAS ORDERED A STATEWIDE SHUTDOWN, BANNING

GATHERINGS OF TEN OR MORE PEOPLE, BUT ONE PASTOR AT A

CHURCH NEAR BATON ROUGE HELD SERVICES YESTERDAY, ATTRACTING

HUNDREDS OF WORSHIPPERS, MANY ARRIVING IN 26 BUSES SENT TO

PICK THEM UP.

THAT'S IRRESPONSIBLE.

REMEMBER JESUS' WORDS, "I WAS NAKED AND YOU CLOTHED ME, I WAS

SICK AND YOU PUT ME ON A CROWDED BUS?

ARE YOU CRAZY?

I'M CONTAGIOUS!" WHEN THEY GOT OFF THEIR PLAGUE

BUSES, THE PASTOR TOLD THE CONGREGATION THEY HAD "NOTHING

TO FEAR BUT FEAR ITSELF."

SORRY, PASTOR, THESE DAYS FEAR'S LIKE THIRD ON THE LIST.

AFTER CORONAVIRUS AND RUNNING OUT OF TOILET PAPER.

ONE HOUSE OF WORSHIP THAT IS SHUTTING DOWN IS THE CHURCH OF

THE HOLY SEPULCHRE IN JERUSALEM.

RECENTLY, THE CHURCH CLOSED ITS DOORS FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE

THE BLACK PLAGUE.

WOW.

TOUGH TO BE THE GUY WHO RUNS THE GIFT SHOP.

HE GETS A DAY OFF EVERY PLAGUE.

THE HOLY SEPULCHRE IS BELIEVED BY MANY CHRISTIANS TO BE THE

SITE OF JESUS' TOMB, SO CLOSING IT RIGHT BEFORE EASTER SEEMS

PARTICULARLY HARSH.

"GOOD LUCK GETTING OUT THIS TIME, JESUS.

YOU'VE BEEN PUNK'D."

EVEN THOUGH THE CHURCH HAS NOT BEEN CLOSED IN OVER 600 YEARS

THE FRONT DOOR DOES HAVE LOCKS, AS YOU CAN SEE HERE.

FUN FACT: THE GUY LOCKING ONE OF THE HOLIEST SITES IN

CHRISTIANITY IS A MUSLIM.

SEE, CHRISTIANS FOUGHT AMONG THEMSELVES FOR WHICH

DENOMINATION SHOULD BE IN CHARGE OF THE CHURCH, SO ONE FAMILY OF

SUNNI MUSLIMS HAVE BEEN ENTRUSTED WITH THE KEYS TO THE

CHURCH FOR MORE THAN EIGHT CENTURIES.

THEY JUST KEEP IT UNDER THE DOORMAT.

LET'S SHIFT FROM FAITH TO SCIENCE, WHERE WE REALLY SHOULD

PUT OUR FAITH RIGHT NOW.

SCIENTISTS ARE WORKING HARD TO DEVELOP CORONAVIRUS TREATMENTS.

BUT FOR NOW, WE SHOULD ALL TRY TO AVOID MISINFORMATION ABOUT

UNPROVEN CURES.

AND THERE'S ONE POPULAR SOURCE OF RUMORS EVERYONE SHOULD

IGNORE.

AND HERE HE IS: >> THE F.D.A. ALSO GAVE

EMERGENCY AUTHORIZATION FOR HYDROXY...

CHLOR-- CHLOROQUINE.

WE'RE JUST HEARING REALLY POSITIVE STORIES.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE?

I'LL SAY IT AGAIN.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE?

TAKE IT.

I REALLY THINK THEY SHOULD TAKE IT.

BUT IT'S THEIR CHOICE.

AND IT'S THEIR DOCTOR'S CHOICE OR THE DOCTORS IN THE HOSPITAL.

BUT HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE.

TRY IT.

IF YOU'D LIKE.

>> STEPHEN: YES, TRY IT IF YOU LIKE IT.

AND IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT THE EFFECTS JUST REMEMBER THAT

DONALD TRUMP IS A DOCTOR.

>> I'M NOT A DOCTOR.

>> STEPHEN: MY MISTAKE.

TURNS OUT, ACTUAL DOCTORS DO NOT SUGGEST TAKING

HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE FOR COVID-19 BECAUSE THERE IS NO EVIDENCE YET

TO SUGGEST IT PROTECTS AGAINST THE VIRUS.

AND ALSO, THIS DRUG COULD CAUSE DANGEROUS IRREGULAR HEARTBEATS

THAT COULD BE FATAL.

STILL, THE PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY'S EMBRACING TRUMP'S

ENDORSEMENT WITH THIS NEW AD: >> ASK YOUR DOCTOR IF

HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE IS RIGHT FOR YOU.

THEN, NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY, TRY IT, IF YOU'D LIKE.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE?

SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE: LOSING A LOT.

>> STEPHEN: WHERE DID TRUMP'S OBSESSION WITH

HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE COME FROM?

WELL, APPARENTLY, FROM FORMER NEW YORK CITY MAYOR RUDY

GIULIANI, SEEN HERE HALFWAY THROUGH GIVING HIMSELF A

HAIRCUT.

GIULIANI HAS BEEN TOUTING THE DRUG AS A POSSIBLE CORONAVIRUS

TREATMENT IN PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS WITH THE

PRESIDENT.

WHICH EXPLAINS TRUMP'S OTHER CORONAVIRUS CURE: A BOTTLE OF

CHIANTI AT NOON.

RUDY HAS HIS OWN TEAM OF MEDICAL EXPERTS ADVISING HIM: A LONG

ISLAND FAMILY DOCTOR WITH A FOLLOWING IN THE CONSERVATIVE

MEDIA, AND A FORMER PHARMACIST WHO ONCE PLEADED GUILTY TO

CONSPIRING TO EXTORT THE ACTOR STEVEN SEAGAL.

YOU KNOW IT'S MESSED UP WHEN "FORMER PHARMACIST" ISN'T THE

WORST PART OF THAT SENTENCE.

RETURNING TO ACTUAL SCIENTISTS, THE C.D.C. ISSUED NEW GUIDANCE

BECAUSE, AFTER MONTHS OF ADVISING AMERICANS NOT TO WEAR

MASKS, THEY'RE NOW ADVISING ALL AMERICANS TO WEAR CLOTH OR

FABRIC FACE COVERINGS, WHICH CAN BE MADE AT HOME, WHEN

ENTERING PUBLIC SPACES TO PREVENT SPREADING THE INFECTION

TO OTHERS.

WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE COVERING OUR FACES THIS WHOLE TIME?

OH, MY GOD, BILLY PORTER TRIED TO WARN US.

(WHISPERING) I'M SORRY, BILLY.

GIVEN THE SUDDEN REVERSAL, THIS NEW GUIDANCE IS A LITTLE

CONFUSING.

BUT ON FRIDAY THE PRESIDENT USED HIS DAILY BRIEFING TO MAKE IT

EVEN MORE CONFUSING.

>> IN LIGHT OF THESE STUDIES, THE C.D.C. IS ADVISING THE USE

OF NON-MEDICAL CLOTH FACE COVERING AS AN ADDITIONAL

VOLUNTARY PUBLIC HEALTH MEASURE.

SO, IT'S VOLUNTARY; YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO IT.

BUT THIS IS VOLUNTARY.

I DON'T THINK I'M GOING TO BE DOING IT.

WELL, I JUST DON'T WANT TO WEAR ONE MYSELF.

>> STEPHEN: OF COURSE TRUMP IS THE GUY SAYING HE DOESN'T WANT

TO WEAR PROTECTION.

(AS TRUMP) "MASKS ARE LIKE THE CONDOM OF

THE FACE.

IT KILLS THE FEELING.

I MEAN, THERE'S A REASON I DON'T WEAR A RAINCOAT IN THE SHOWER OR

A CONDOM DURING SEX."

THAT JOKE'S BASED ON A TRUE STORY.

THE CORONAVIRUS SITUATION IS ALSO DIRE IN THE U.K.

SO YESTERDAY THE QUEEN MADE A RARE, MORALE-BOOSTING PUBLIC

ADDRESS.

>> I AM SPEAKING TO YOU AT WHAT I KNOW IS AN INCREASINGLY

CHALLENGING TIME.

>> STEPHEN: IT'S TRULY GENEROUS OF HER ROYAL HIGHNESS TO WEAR

GREEN SCREEN, SO THAT HER HOMEBOUND SUBJECTS CAN DRESS HER

IN WHATEVER THEY WANT.

SAY, LADY GAGA'S MEAT DRESS OR UNLIKELY ANIMAL FRIENDSHIPS OR,

BETTER YET, A SCENE FROM "THE CROWN."

IT'S TRULY INSPIRING TO HEAR FROM THE WORLD'S LONGEST

REIGNING SOVEREIGN, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING THE TECHNICAL

DIFFICULTIES INVOLVED IN GETTING A

93-YEAR-OLD TO RECORD HERSELF ON AN IPHONE.

>> MA'AM, HIT THE LITTLE THING.

I'M SPEAKING TO YOU -- ALMOST, ALMOST, NOW IT'S JUST

YOUR HAND.

THERE YOU ARE!

MA'AM, NOW YOU'RE MUTED.

WE CAN'T HEAR YOU!

>> I'M SPEAKING TO YOU AT WHAT I KNOW IS A --

>> MUCH BETTER!

I BELIEVE WE'RE ALL GOOD, YOUR MAJESTY.

OH, WONDERFUL, YOU'VE BEEN ZOOMED BY ONE OF THE CORGIS.

GOD SAVE THE YOU!

>> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

MY GUEST IS CHANCE THE RAPPER.

WHEN WE RETURN, A VERY SPECIAL SURPRISE GUEST WITH A VERY

SPECIAL SURPRISE ANNOUNCEMENT.

IT'S LADY GAGA AND IT'S ABOUT A CHARITY CONCERT.

STICK AROUND.