I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

I AM STILL AT HOME, STILL SURROUNDED BY MY

FAMILY/CREW.

MY WIFE IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER GETTING READY TO HAND ME

SOME PROPS.

MY DOG IS-- WHAT IS HE DOING?

HE'S EATING-- WAT IS HE EATING?

HE'S EATING SOMETHING.

IS THAT PAPER TOWEL?

( BARKING ) WHAT IS HE EATING?

HE ATE SOMETHING FROM THE BATHROOM.

IT'S FINE.

MY SON PETER IS OVER HERE.

HE'S MY TECHNICAL CREW ONCE AGAIN TODAY.

DO YOU WANT TO WAVE HI, PETE.

OKAY, FEET TONIGHT.

LAST NIGHT IT WAS HANDS.

WE'LL EVENTUALLY GET THE WHOLE BODY.

NOW, PHEW, YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED I AM STILL WEARING A SUIT JACKET

AND A TIGHT.

IT'S CONTROVERSIAL ON MY PART.

BECAUSE YESTERDAY I ASKED YOU, MY VIEWERS, WHETHER I SHOULD

CONTINUE DRESSING UP OR GO CASUAL USING THE HASHTAG

#SuitOrNoSuit.

THE RESULTS ARE IN.

AND THEY ARE RESOUNDING.

ON INSTAGRAM, THE VOTE WAS 69% IN FAVOR OF NO SUIT.

31% SUIT.

AND ON TWITTER, IT WAS OVER 71% NO SUIT.

THAT'S RIGHT, EVIDENTLY, 71% OF PEOPLE HAVE NEVER SEEN ME IN

CASUAL WEAR. THAT INCLUDES MY WIFE.

BUT I BELIEVE IN DEMOCRACY, SO TONIGHT, I DECIDED NOT TO WEAR A

SUIT...

FROM THE WAIST DOWN.

YOU LIKE?

YEAH!

POW!

OKAY.

I'LL GIVE YOU A SECOND TO FAN YOURSELF.

CALM DOWN.

MY WIFE DIDN'T SEE ME DO THAT.

NOW, WHILE WE'RE ALL STUCK IN ISOLATION, WE STILL WANT TO

CELEBRATE THE HOLIDAYS.

WE STILL WANT THAT HUMAN CONNECTION, BUT WE HAVE TO DO IT

IN A NEW WAY: PASSOVER SEDERS ON ZOOM, EASTER

EGG HUNTS IN THE BASEMENT, FOURTH OF JULY FIREWORKS IN THE

BREAKFAST NOOK.

BUT THERE'S ONE HOLIDAY I REALLY DON'T THINK WE REALLY NEED AT

ALL RIGHT NOW, AND THAT'S TOMORROW'S HOLIDAY, APRIL FOOLS'

DAY.

THINGS ARE WEIRD ENOUGH WITHOUT PRANKS.

I DON'T NEED THE KNUCKLEHEADS AT ARBY'S CLAIMING THEY INVENTED

THE HAM HAT.

ARBY'S: WE HAT THE MEATS.

AT THIS POINT, THE ONLY APRIL FOOLS' JOKE I WANT IS SOMEONE

T.P.-ING MY HOUSE, PREFERABLY IN TWO-PLY, QUILTED.

I HAVE A VERY SENSITIVE BACK DOOR.

BUT IT'S NOT JUST HOLIDAYS.

EVERYTHING IS CHANGING, LIKE BUYING FOOD.

THE SIMPLEST THING.

IN THE OLDEN DAYS, YOU'D GO TO THE GROCERY STORE, BUY SOME

STUFF, TAKE IT HOME, PUT IT IN YOUR FREEZER, IT'S DONE.

NOW YOU'VE GOT TO TREAT EVERY CAN OF TUNA LIKE IT'S A MOON

ROCK.

I CAN ONLY TOUCH IT WITH GLOVES, AND NOT UNTIL IT'S BEEN THROUGH

MY DECONTAMINATION AIRLOCK, FORMERLY KNOWN AS MY MUD ROOM.

I'VE BEGUN TO LIKE THE TASTE OF DISINFECTANT ON MY VEGETABLES.

MY FAVORITE DISH IS "BROCCOLI A LA CLOROX."

MY LEGAL TEAM HAS INFORMED ME I HAVE TO INFORM YOU I AM JOKING,

OBVIOUSLY.

DO NOT PUT BLEACH ON YOUR BROCCOLI.

THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE CAULIFLOWER.

LET ME DEMONSTRATE THE SAFE WAY TO HANDLE YOUR GROCERIES.

IT'S SIMPLE.

LET'S JUST PRETEND I WENT SHOPPING FOR THIS CAN OF BEANS.

PETE, BEANS.

OKAY, GOT THESE BEANS.

NOW MY HANDS ARE CONTAMINATED SO I HAVE TO ASSUMPTION CAN IS

CONTAMINATED, SO I HAVE TO SPRAY THE CAN DOWN.

THE CAN IS FINE.

BUT THEN, AGAIN, MY HANDS-- MY HANDS WERE CONTAMINATED, SO I

SPRAY THEM DOWN.

AGAIN, BEFORE I SPRAYED MY HANDS, I HELD THEICA, AND NOW

THE BOTTLE IS CONTAMINATED, SO NOW I JUST THROW EVERYTHING

AWAY.

BON APPETIT.

THINGS ARE EXPECTED TO GET WORSE BEFORE THEY GET BETTER, BUT

HERE'S A BIT OF GOOD NEWS-- IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR SACRIFICE IS

BEGINNING TO PAY DIVIDENDS.

NEW DATA SUGGESTS RESTRICTIONS ARE SLOWING CORONAVIRUS

INFECTIONS.

IT'S WORKING!

JUST KEEP DOING IT, AMERICA.

AND BY "IT," OF COURSE, I MEAN NOTHING.

THE DATA COMES FROM SOME PEOPLE CALLED KINSA, THE MAKER OF AN

INTERNET-CONNECTED THERMOMETER, WHO'VE BEEN TRACKING A MILLION

THERMOMETERS TO MAP THE AREAS WHERE PEOPLE'S TEMPERATURES ARE

SPIKING.

LAST WEEK, AFTER SOCIAL- DISTANCING MEASURES REALLY

STARTED TO TAKE HOLD, THE COMPANY'S LIVE MAP SHOWED FEVERS

HOLDING STEADY OR DROPPING ALMOST UNIVERSALLY ACROSS THE

COUNTRY.

GREAT JOB.

HIGH FIVE.

NO, UH-UH.

THAT WAS A TEST.

NOW, DESPITE THE GOOD NEWS, THE NUMBER OF CORONAVIRUS CASES IS

STILL GROWING, AND ONE OF THE BIG FEARS IS THAT HOSPITALS WILL

NOT HAVE ALL THE EQUIPMENT THEY NEED TO SAVE LIVES.

WELL, YESTERDAY, IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT FORD IS GOING TO

BUILD 50,000 VENTILATORS IN 100 DAYS AND G.M. IS ALSO RACING

TO MAKE VENTILATORS.

AND BECAUSE THEY'RE AMERICAN CARMAKERS, THESE VENTILATORS

WILL COME WITH 16 CUP HOLDERS AND A PAIR OF TRUCK NUTS.

NOW YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW-- AND I HOPE YOU

DO-- FOR THE PAST MONTH I HAVE NOT BEEN TALKING ABOUT DONALD

TRUMP THAT MUCH, BECAUSE, WHILE HE'S COMM COMMANDER IN CHIEF, HE

NOT THAT HELPFUL BUT HE IS THE PRESIDENT, AND

HE'S HOLDING DAILY BRIEFINGS TO UPDATE US ON THIS NATIONAL

EMERGENCY.

SO, LET'S CHECK IN WITH HOW HE ADDRESSED THIS UNPRECEDENTED

CRISIS.

>> AND WE'VE OPENED UP-- OOPS, THERE GOES OUR BOX.

AND MY HAIR'S BLOWING AROUND.

AND IT'S MINE.

THE ONE THING YOU CAN'T GET AWAY WITH.

IF IT'S NOT YOURS, YOU'VE GOT A PROBLEM.

( WHISTLING ) AAAH!

IS HE DONE?

DID I MISS ANYTHING?

NO?

OKAY.

WITH CASE NUMBERS RISING, THE WHITE HOUSE HAS A NEW

STATISTICAL MODEL PROJECTING THE COURSE OF THE DISEASE.

SO LET'S HEAR THE LATEST DATA FROM THE COMMA COMMANDER IN CHIE

HANDPICKED EXPERTS.

>> A FRIEND OF MINE, MIKE LINDELL OF MYPILLOW.

BOY, DO YOU SELL THOSE PILLOWS.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE WHAT YOU DO.

MIKE, COME ON UP.

>> GOD GAVE US GRACE ON NOVEMBER 8, 2016, TO CHANGE THE

COURSE WE WERE ON.

( WHISTLING ) >> Stephen: IS HE DONE?

OKAY, GOOD.

IT'S NO SURPRISE TRUMP WOULD INTRODUCE THE MYPILLOW GUY AT

A PRESIDENTIAL BRIEFING.

IT'S A TRADITION GOING BACK TO HARRY TRUMAN ANNOUNCING VICTORY

IN THE PACIFIC WITH CHEF BOYARDEE

NOW, IT'S IMPORTANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT MYPILLOW IS

DEDICATING 75% OF ITS PRODUCTION TO MAKING FACE MASKS FOR HEALTH

CARE WORKERS.

THANK YOU, MIKE.

THAT IS A VERY GOOD THING.

AND I JUST WANT TO DISPEL ANY RUMORS THAT THOSE FACE MASKS ARE

GOING TO LOOK LIKE THIS: THE CORONAVIRUS HAS CHANGED LIFE

AS WE KNOW IT, BUT IT HASN'T KEPT US FROM ENJOYING OUR

NATIONAL PASTIME, AND THAT'S WATCHING MOVIES.

WITH ALL THIS TIME ON OUR HANDS, PEOPLE HAVE STARTED REALLY

PICKING APART SOME OF THEIR FAVORITE MOVIES AND NOTICING

DETAILS THAT, FOR SOME REASON, THEY HAD NEVER HAD BEFORE.

FOR INSTANCE, SOMEONE ON TWITTER JUST DISCOVERED THAT IN "LITTLE

WOMEN," WHICH TAKES PLACE DURING THE 19th CENTURY, THERE'S A

SCENE WITH BOTH A WATER BOTTLE AND A HYDROFLASK.

THAT IS CRAZY.

YOU DON'T NEED TWO SEPARATE CONTAINERS TO HIDE YOUR VODKA.

COME ON, TIMOTHEE.

AHHH!

OF COURSE, WITH SOCIAL DISTANCING, IT'S ONLY A

MATTER OF TIME BEFORE WE CATCH ALL OF THE MOVIE ERRORS, LIKE

THIS SCENE IN THE SOUND OF MUSIC," WHERE JULIE ANDREWS

IS CLEARLY HOLDING TWO BIG MACS.

OR THE PART IN "TITANIC" WHERE JACK AND ROSE FLY ON THE

PROW OF A CHEVY SILVERADO.

YOU KNOW, I USED TO SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE-- IN

THE OUTSIDE-- MINGLING FREELY AND RUBBING UP AGAINST THE

FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS OF NEWS TO BRING YOU THE HIGH-RISK FLESH

PIT THAT WAS MY MONOLOGUE.

BUT THESE DAYS I LIKE TO STAY INSIDE FOR 14 DAYS,

MARINATING IN MY OWN FILTH TO SHARE WITH YOU THE REHEATED

TAKE-OUT ORDER OF SMALLER STORIES THAT MAKE UP MY SEGMENT

"MEANWHILE."

FOLLOWING C.D.C. GUIDELINES, I AM ISOLATING "MEANWHILE" FROM

THE REST OF THE SHOW IN MY "MEANWHILE" SUBSEGMENT

"QUARANTINE-WHILE."

QUARANTINE-WHILE, WE ARE ALL FINDING INTERESTING WAYS TO

ADAPT TO OUR NEW REALITY.

AND ONE MATH TEACHER HAS TAKEN IT A STEP FURTHER BY TEACHING

GEOMETRY FROM INSIDE THE NEW V.R. FIRST-PERSON SHOOTER.

"HALF-LIFE: ALYX."

AND YOU THOUGHT HOLDING KIDS' ATTENTIONS WAS HARD IN A NORMAL

CLASSROOM.

TYLER,IZE FORWARD.

WHO BLEW A WHOLE IN MY TORSO?

KATY, I SEE YOU HIDING THAT PLAZICA CANNON.

HAND IT TO ME.

AND SHE BLEW MY HAND OFF.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, A LOT OF BUSINESSES ARE PITCHING IN TO

HELP OUT.

FOR INSTANCE, ONE WEBSITE THAT IS A HUB FOR ALL SORTS OF PORN,

JUST MADE ALL OF ITS PORN FREE.

THAT'S RIGHT, FREE PORN.

NOT ALL HEROES WEAR CAPES.

OR CONDOMS.

SO BE SAFE OUT THERE.

PORNHUB SAYS THEY'RE MAKING EVERYTHING FREE "TO ENCOURAGE

SOCIAL DISTANCING," AND ALSO "IT'S DONATING 50,000 SURGICAL

MASKS TO MEDICAL WORKERS IN NEW YORK CITY."

WHY DOES PORNHUB HAVE SO MANY SURGICAL MASKS?

AND FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: DO I WANT TO KNOW?

QUARANTINE-WHILE, NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE ARE ASSURED THAT SUPPLY

LINES ARE OPEN AND THERE'S PLENTY OF FOOD AND OTHER

ESSENTIAL NEEDS, PEOPLE CONTINUE TO HOARD THINGS, WHICH IS WHY

WHEN ONE OF MY GRAPHICS GUYS, BILL MARKO, TRIED TO ORDER

TOILET PAPER ON INSTACART-- THIS IS TRUE--

HE GOT THIS MESSAGE ASKING HIM TO "CHOOSE A REPLACEMENT FOR

TOILET PAPER," AND SUGGESTED AS AN ALTERNATIVE

THIS BOX OF PRINTER PAPER.

GO FOR IT, BILL.

PRO TIP: YOU CAN SAVE TOILET PAPER BY PRINTING DOUBLE SIDED.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A DOG WAS SO EXCITED THAT ITS OWNER WAS HOME

FOR QUARANTINE THAT IT SPRAINED ITS TAIL FROM TOO MUCH WAGGING."

"ROLO, A 7-YEAR-OLD DACHSHUND," "HAS MOVEMENT FROM SIDE TO SIDE,

BUT HE IS STRUGGLING TO LIFT IT UP IN THE AIR."

DON'T WORRY, ROLO.

EVENTUALLY, THAT HAPPENS TO ALL WIENERS.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, MEANWHILE, AS THE COUNTRY STAYS

HOME, MANY PEOPLE ARE WORKING REMOTELY ON THE VIDEO MEETING

APP ZOOM.

THAT'S ONE OF THE WAYS WE'RE MAKING OUR SHOW, BUT IT'S

CAUSING ALL SORTS OF NEW WORKPLACE ISSUES.

FOR INSTANCE, ONE "WOMAN FORGOT SHE WAS IN A VIDEO CONFERENCE,

AND STARTED POOPING."

WELL, IT'S BEEN AN INTERNET SENSATION.

IN FACT, THE VIDEO HAS BEEN "VIEWED MORE THAN 7.5 MILLION

TIMES."

AND IS AVAILABLE FOR FREE ON PORNHUB.

WE'VE GOT A SHOW TONIGHT.

I'M GOING TO ZOOM WITH HARRY POTTER HIMSELF, DANIEL

RADCLIFFE-- OR I'M GOING TO TRY TO.

IT WILL BE FUN.

AND COMPLICATED.

I WILL ALSO BE TALKING TO WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT FOR

ABC NEWS AND AUTHOR OF "FRONT ROW TO THE TRUMP SHOW,"

JONATHAN KARL.