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  • >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

  • MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT, MY ONLY GUEST TONIGHT IS

  • THE LOVELY AND TALENTED HOST OF "LAST WEEK TONIGHT" ON HBO AND

  • AN OLD FRIEND.

  • PLEASE WELCOME, JOHN OLIVER!

  • JOHN.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) >> THANK YOU.

  • THANK YOU.

  • ANY MUSIC?

  • ANY MUSIC?

  • PLEASE?

  • ( HUMMING ) WH>> Stephen: WHAT IS YOUR THEME

  • MUSIC?

  • I'LL PLAY YOUR THEME MUSIC FOR YOU

  • ( SINGING THEME MUSIC ) >> Stephen: WOW.

  • THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.

  • THE CROWD IS LOVING YOU.

  • >> AREN'T THEY?

  • ONE IMAGINES.

  • >> Stephen: WELCOME.

  • WELCOME TO INTERVIEWS IN THE AFTER-TIMES.

  • >> IT'S GREAT TO BE WITH YOU.

  • >> Stephen: YEAH.

  • IT'S LIKE STARING INTO MY OWN ANXIETIES NOW.

  • IT'S SUCH A COMFORT TO SEE YOUR FACE BECAUSE YOUR EYES ARE ALSO

  • SCREAMING THE ( BLEEP ).

  • >> Stephen: NOT AT ALL!

  • I'M FINE, JOHN.

  • >> SURELY!

  • >> Stephen: I'M WEARING A SUIT!

  • WHICH ONE OF US IS WEARING A SUIT?

  • WHO LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE IN CONTROL, JOHN?

  • IT AIN'T YOU, BUDDY.

  • >> IS CBS GOING TO GIVE YOU CUSS WORDS DURING A PANDEMIC, OR EVEN

  • DURING A PANDEMIC CAN YOU NOT SWEAR?

  • >> Stephen: I'LL TRY A SIMPLE ONE.

  • READY?

  • >> YEP.

  • >> Stephen: ( BLEEP ).

  • NO IDEA IF I GOT AWAY WITH THAT.

  • LET'S TRY A SIMPLE ONE.

  • THIS IS ONE I WISH I COULD USE I'M NEVER ALLOWED TO.

  • ( BLEEP ).

  • >> YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO USE ( BLEEP )?

  • >> Stephen: NO, CAN'T USE ( BLEEP ).

  • >> CBS, COME ON.

  • >> Stephen: I KNOW.

  • I KNOW.

  • HOW ARE YOU?

  • HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

  • >> I'M AT ABOUT A FOUR.

  • >> Stephen: ON A SCALE OF -- YOU HAVE TO PUT THAT IN SOME

  • SORT OF RANGE FOR ME.

  • >> ZERO TO 50.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY.

  • YEAH, I'M DOING OKAY, YOU KNOW.

  • >> Stephen: YEAH.

  • THIS IS A SUBOPTIMAL TIME TO BE A HUMAN BEING.

  • IT WOULD BE A GREAT TIME TO BE A DOG.

  • >> Stephen: SURE.

  • OR A DOLPHIN.

  • >> DOLPHINS HAVE HAD IT TOO GOOD FOR TOO LONG.

  • IT'S PAYBACK TIME, FLIPPER.

  • >> SOONER OR LATER, MOTHER NATURE WILL SAY, OH, I FORGOT

  • ABOUT YOU.

  • >> Stephen: HAVE YOU SEEN THE VIDEOS FROM JAPAN?

  • IT HASN'T EXACTLY BEEN A CAKEWALK THE ENTIRE TIME.

  • WE'RE NOT BROADCASTING IN JAPAN, ARE WE?

  • THERE'S NO ONE HERE.

  • SO YOU DID IS A SHOW LAST NIGHT.

  • CONGRATULATIONS.

  • >> THANKS, WE DID ONE.

  • >> Stephen: FROM THIS LOCATION.

  • >> YEAH, FROM RIGHT HERE.

  • I'M INSIDE DAVID GEFFIN'S YACHT.

  • >> Stephen: LOVELY.

  • THERE'S A MAN WITH HIS FINGER ON THE PULSE OF AMERICA.

  • >> Stephen: DIDN'T QUITE READ THE ROOM, DAVE.

  • FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW, DAVID GEFFIN, WHOM I'M HOUR IS A

  • LOVELY MAN, I DON'T KNOW, HE SENT A SHOT OF 300, 400,

  • 700-FOOT BOAT?

  • >> IF YOU CAN'T SEE, IT'S WORTH PUTTING ON SCREEN NOW.

  • IT'S A LARGE BOAT.

  • >> Stephen: WE HAVE IT.

  • JIM?

  • >> YEAH, IF YOU PUT IT UP THERE, IT'S DAVID GEFFIN AT SUNSET

  • POINTING OUT HE'S SELF-ISOLATING, MIGHT BE

  • GENUINELY REVENUESNARY INDUCING.

  • IF THE RACE TO A CLASS WAR HAS BEGUN, I THINK HE JUST FIRED THE

  • STARTER'S PIE PISTOL.

  • >> Stephen: YOU CAN'T REVOLT UNLESS YOU FIND HIM.

  • THAT'S WHY HE'S OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN.

  • >> THAT'S RIGHT.

  • UNLESS YOU'RE GOING TO COME AT ME ON JET SKIS.

  • >> Stephen: SO YOU'VE GOT A DOG, YES?

  • >> I'VE GOT A DOG, YEAH.

  • >> Stephen: A DOG, AND YOU HAVE CHILDREN.

  • >> YEAH, I GOT A DOG, TWO CHILDREN, AND A WIFE.

  • >> Stephen: AND HOW ARE THEY REACTING TO YOU DOING YOUR SHOW

  • AT HOME?

  • IS EVERYBODY HELPING?

  • >> IT'S PROBABLY BEST THEY DON'T.

  • I HAVE A 4-YEAR-OLD AND A 1-YEAR-OLD.

  • THERE'S NOT MUCH THEY CAN DO TO HELP.

  • >> Stephen: THE 4-YEAR-OLD CAN DO YOUR MAKEUP.

  • THOUGH FROM WHAT I SEE, HE PROBABLY DID.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, THERE YOU GO.

  • >> IT'S BEST THEY'RE NOT ALLOWED TO EQUIPMENT BECAUSE THEY'RE

  • TEETHING.

  • I DO THE SHOW IN THIS ROOM AND I TURN UP THE OCTINNALS, A SHOW

  • I DO THE SHOW IN THIS ROOM AND I TURN UP THE OCTINNALS, A SHOW

  • ABOUT ASTRONAUTS BUT UNDER THE WATER AND THEY FIND OUT ABOUT

  • ANIMALS EACH WEEKS AND IF YOU PLAY IT LOUD YOU CAN'T HEAR YOUR

  • DAD SAY WHAT THE ( BLEEP ) FRO THE ADJACENT ROOM.

  • >> Stephen: HOW ARE YOU PERSONAL HYGIENE GOING?

  • ARE YOU WEARING PANTS THESE DAYS?

  • >> WHAT'S THE BAR FOR PANTS NOW?

  • >> Stephen: BIG BOY PANTS, LONG PANELS.

  • >> I'M WEARING SWEAT PANTS.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT BAD.

  • AND THEY'RE STAINED WITH BABY DROOL AND PEANUT BUTTER, SO

  • COULD BE WORSE.

  • >> Stephen: PERFECT.

  • I'M WEARING A SUIT, BUT I'M NOT WEARING SHOES.

  • >> OH, REALLY?

  • >> Stephen: YEAH.

  • O IT'S JUST THE PLATES ARE OUT.

  • >> Stephen: THE PLATES?

  • THE PLATES, THE FEET.

  • SLANG.

  • >> Stephen: I NEVER HEARD OF THAT.

  • I NEVER HEARD THAT FROM A TROUBLE AND STRIFE.

  • >> NOT BAD!

  • STAIRS.

  • >> Stephen: JOHN, JUST OCCURS TO ME, HAVE WE DISCOVERED ANY

  • OLD SKILLS THAT YOU HAVE?

  • THIS WEEK, I ACTUALLY CHANGED A TIRE ON A BIKE, LIKE I CHANGED

  • THE INNER TUBE.

  • >> DID YOU?

  • >> Stephen: YEAH, I JUST REMEMBERED I HAD A FLAT TIRE, AN

  • INNER TUBE AND I REMEMBER AS A CHILD I USED TO DO THAT STUFF

  • ALL THE TIME.

  • HAVE YOU REDISCOVERED SKILLS?

  • >> AGAIN, I'VE HAD A 4-YEAR-OLD AND 1-YEAR-OLD AND I'M TRYING TO

  • MAKE A TV SHOW FROM SCRATCH.

  • THERE'S NO TIME TO LEARN SPANISH OR CREATE.

  • THAT'S NOT HAPPENING.

  • I'M DROWNING, STEVE.

  • THE WATER IS HERE.

  • RIGHT, IF I COULD BREATHE THROUGH THERE, I'M OKAY, RIGHT.

  • THINGS ARE NOT GOING GREATLY.

  • I'M NOT BECOMING BETTER AS A HUMAN BEING.

  • I LEARNED, UNFORTUNATELY, HOW TO MAKE A TV SHOW ON MY OWN HERE

  • WITH MY STAFF OVER ZOOM.

  • SO I'M BASICALLY COMMITTING UNION INFRACTIONS OUT THE WAZOO.

  • >> Stephen: AND H.B.O.

  • THOUSAND KNOWS YOU DON'T ACTUALLY NEED A SET.

  • >> YESTERDAY THEY WERE TALKING ME THROUGH FILMING THROUGH CHAT

  • ON ZOOM, LIKE TRYING TO TALK CIVILIAN TRYING TO LAND A PLANE.

  • I KNOW YOU HAVE A LOT OF BUTTONS.

  • DON'T PANIC.

  • THERE'S A SMALL RED ONE YOU NEED TO PRESS.

  • WHAT DID YOU JUST PRESS?

  • OH, MY GOD!

  • OUR SCREEN IS GOING CRAZY!

  • THEY WERE VERY PATIENT BUT WE GOT THROUGH IT.

  • >> Stephen: WHAT WAS IT LIKE TO PERFORM TO SILENCE LAST

  • NIGHT?

  • >> HONESTLY FINE.

  • >> Stephen: REALLY.

  • YEAH.

  • >> Stephen: YOU DON'T MISS THED AUDIENCE AT ALL?

  • >> IT'S VERY NICE TO HAVE AN AUDIENCE, BUT I STARTED COMEDY

  • DOING STANDUP IN ENGLAND.

  • I AM SO COMPLETELY USED TO DELIVERING JOKES TO ABSOLUTE

  • SILENCE AND SOMETIMES WORSE.

  • SO THIS IS FINE FOR ME.

  • IT GENUINELY DOESN'T AFFECT ME AT ALL.

  • >> Stephen: WAIT, WHAT IS WORSE THAN SILENCE?

  • >> AN ENGLISH STANDUP AUDIENCE.

  • THAT'S LITERALLY THE ANSWER TO THAT.

  • >> Stephen: JUST OPEN HOSTILITY?

  • HAVE YOU EVER FELT PHYSICALLY IN DANGER?

  • >> YES!

  • OF COURSE!

  • I DID STANDUP!

  • OF COURSE, I DID!

  • I DIDN'T COME UP IN YOUR IMPROV WORLD WHERE EVEN THE AUDIENCE

  • PLAYS IN THE GAME, TOO.

  • >> Stephen: EXACTLY RIGHT.

  • IN IMPROV, IF YOU FAIL, THEY GO, IF IT'S GOOD, 25% OF THE TIME,

  • THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD BATTING AVERAGE.

  • >> NO, NO, A STANDUP AUDIENCE IS MUCH MORE SIT BACK, JUDGMENTAL.

  • I DON'T LIKE THIS, BUT I WANT YOU TO KEEP DOING IT BECAUSE I

  • WANT TO SHOW YOU THE FULL EXTENT IT NEVER IMPROVED.

  • OF COURSE, I HAD BEEN THREATENED ALL THE TIME.

  • >> Stephen: DID YOU HAVE TO LEAVE HASTILY.

  • >> AS A MASOCHIST, THERE WAS A GIG IN EDINBURGH WHICH STARTS AT

  • 1:00 IN THE MORNING, IT IS A CESSPOOL OF HUMANITY.

  • YOU CAN DO TRULY GLORIOUS DEATHS THERE.

  • I BOMBED HARD ONCE THERE ABOUT 20 MINUTES.

  • THE GUY CAME ON AFTER ME DESTROYED.

  • AS THEY WERE CHEERING FOR ME, I ASKED IF I COULD TAKE HIS UNCLE.

  • AND THE SOUND OF THE EMCEE SAYING, DO YOU WANT MORE OF

  • THAT, ERE HE COMES!

  • OH, YEAH!

  • OH, NO, NO, NO, NO!

  • I FELT LIKE THE JOKE HAD BEEN PLAYED.

  • I WENT ON TO DO ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES AND BOMBED AGAIN!

  • >> Stephen: I HAVE ONE THING LIKE THAT.

  • I WAS AT THE OLYMPICS IN 2010, WITH WE BROUGHT OUR SHOW UP

  • THERE, AND EVERY COUNTRY HAS THEIR OWN HOUSE, LIKE IRELAND

  • HOUSE, INTIRTSLAND HOUSE.

  • WE WENT TO IRELAND HOUSE SPONSORED BY GUINNESS AND IT WAS

  • BEER IN A BARN ESSENTIALLY AND THERE WAS A STAGE, TRADITIONAL

  • BAND PLAYING, A FOOTBALL GAME WAS ON, AND I GOT UP ON STAGE

  • AND SAID, WHO WANTS TO CELEBRATE IRISH CULTURE?!

  • AND THEY ALL WENT, AAAHHH!

  • AND I TOOK OUT A COPY OF JAMES JOYCE ULYSSES.

  • STATELY PLUMP BULK MULLIGAN STOOD AT THE HEAD OF THE

  • STAIRS -- AND THERE WAS A RIOT.

  • I HAD TO BE HUSTLED OUT BY SECURITY.

  • >> THAT'S FANTASTIC.

  • I WAS ABOUT FOUR MINUTES IN AND A GUY IN THE FRONT SMASHED HIS

  • BEER BOTTLE ON THE TABLE, HELD IT UP AND SAID, IF YOU DON'T GET

  • OFF STAGE WRIGHT NOW, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU.

  • I WAS SMILING EAR TO EAR SAYING, THIS CAN'T BE ABOUT ME.

  • I REFUSE TO BELIEVE I AM ALL THAT'S LONG IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT

  • NOW.

  • I'M A MERE LIGHTNING ROD.

  • >> Stephen: WE, SADLY SO, HAVE COMMERCIALS.

  • >> IT'S A TRAGEDY.

  • >> Stephen: IT IS.

  • >> Stephen: SO WE'VE GOT TO GO TO COMMERCIAL.

  • WOULD YOU PLEASE STICK AROUND.

  • >> THE C.D.C. SAYS I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE.

  • >> Stephen: OH, GOOD!

  • THEN YOU JUST STAY THERE BY FORCE OF LAW.

  • YOU WILL BE BACK AND WE WILL BE BACK WITH MORE JOHN OLIVER.

  • STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY.

  • BUT YOU WILL STICK AROUND.

  • YOU HAVE TO STAY AT HOME, TOO!

  • >> STAY WHERE THE ( BLEEP ) YO ARE!

  • >> Stephen: JOHN, WE CAN'T SAY THAT.

  • WE CAN'T SAY THAT.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

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ジョン・オリバーどのように私は孤立して "最終週今夜 "をホストしています (John Oliver: How I'm Hosting "Last Week Tonight" In Isolation)

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    林宜悉 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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