ENDLESS STRINGS OF NEWS-D.N.A.

AND COMBINING TOPICAL GENOMES TO GENETICALLY ENGINEER THE DAY'S

STORIES INTO THE SUPER-HUMAN TEST TUBE BABY THAT IS MY

MONOLOGUE.

BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, I LIKE TO BREAK INTO THE LOCAL

MORGUE, COLLECT A FEW CADAVER LIMBS, AND GRAB A BAG OF HORSE

ORGANS, THEN STITCH 'EM TOGETHER TO REANIMATE THE AFFRONT TO GOD

AND MAN THAT IS MY SEGMENT:

>> MEANWHILE!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S LIKE PENICILLIN TO THE

FEVER OF A NATION.

MEANWHILE, THE U.S. FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION WARNED THE

MAKER OF PURELL TO STOP CLAIMING THAT ITS HAND SANITIZERS CAN

HELP GUARD AGAINST EBOLA, NOROVIRUS, THE FLU, AND OTHER

MALADIES.

WHAT?

THAT'S TERRIBLE NEWS!

I KEEP HAND SANITIZER HERE ALL THE TIME.

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME I'VE BEEN DOING SHOTS OF THIS EVERY NIGHT

FOR NOTHING?!

( LAUGHTER ) IN A STERNAL WORDED LETTER, THE

F.D.A. WROTE, "AS OF TODAY, WE ARE NOT AWARE OF ANY HAND

SANITIZERS THAT HAVE BEEN TESTED AGAINST EBOLA VIRUSES, INCLUDING

PURELL.

AND EVEN IF HAND SANITIZER WAS EFFECTIVE AGAINST THE SPREAD OF

EBOLA, GOOD LUCK GETTING THOSE MONKEYS TO USE IT.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

MEANWHILE-- HOLD STILL!

MEANWHILE, IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN, WHEN THE NEXT BATCH

OF APPROVED EMOJIS IS ANNOUNCED BY THE GLOBAL RULING EMOJI BODY,

THE UNICODE CONSORTIUM.

WE ARE THE UNICODE CONSORTIUM, MR. BOND.

NEXT FALL'S NEW EMOJIS WILL INCLUDE, AMONG OTHERS, THE

ITALIAN HAND GESTURE OF PINCHED FINGERS, SMILEY FACE WITH

GROUCHO GLASSES, A FONDUE POT, AND EVEN "DIVERSE OPTIONS" FOR

"NINJAS."

FINALLY!

I AM SO TIRED OF HAVING TO TYPE OUT EACH WORD EVERY TIME I NEED

TO TEXT: "MAMMA MIA!

GROUCHO MARX IS A-HAVING-A FONDUE WIT-A PANRACIAL-A NINJA!"

MARONE!

ALTHOUGH, I DO HAVE ONE QUIBBLE.

FOR SOME REASON, THE CONSORTIUM HAS DECIDED TO CALL THIS EMOJI

"DISGUISED FACE."

DISGUISED FACE?

THAT IS GROUCHO MARX!

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.

THAT'S LIKE MAKING AN EMOJI OF JIGSAW AND CALLING IT "PUZZLE

FRIEND."

( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, THE PHILADELPHIA

FLYERS' MASCOT, GRITTY, HAS BEEN CLEARED OF AN ASSAULT

ALLEGATION.

THIS IS TRULY HISTORIC.

IT IS THE FIRST PHILADELPHIA SPORTS FAN TO BE ACQUITTED OF

ASSAULT.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

MEANWHILE, WE HAVE A FEW FOOD-RELATED STORIES TONIGHT,

WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR LONG-RUNNING, BRAND-NEW

"MEANWHILE" SUBSEGMENT: "CUISINE-WHILE."

( LAUGHTER ) CUISINE-WHILE, K.F.C. IS NOW

SELLING VEGAN CHICKEN NUGGETS, CALLED "BEYOND FRIED CHICKEN,"

MADE IN CONJUNCTION WITH THE COMPANY "BEYOND MEAT."

FOR A COMPANY WHO CLAIMS THEY'RE "BEYOND MEAT," THEY SURE SPEND A

LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT HOW TO REPLACE MEAT.

"YOU GUYS, I'M TOTALLY OVER STACEY.

I NEVER EVEN THINK ABOUT STACY ANYMORE.

THIS IS MY NEW GIRLFRIEND: "BEYOND STACEY."

( LAUGHTER ) CUISINE-WHILE, DUNKIN' HAS

RELEASED A FRANK'S RED-HOT JELLY DOUGHNUT.

NOW, HOLD ON.

THEY'RE ONLY AVAILABLE IN MIAMI, BUT YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN AT

HOME.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BUY A REGULAR GLAZED DOUGHNUT, SQUIRT

SOME HOT SAUCE ON IT, THEN LOOK INTO THE MIRROR TO DISCOVER THE

MONSTER YOU HAVE BECOME.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JIM CARREY.