It benefits us both.

I made a long video on it, and I've been getting videos from people who are courageous enough to give it a try.

Well, this is a video from Cara and Cara.

What a brave, beautiful person to tell this story, which is quite painful to watch.

But you feel Cara through it and you feel why she's doing this.

And she has a reason for doing this.

And she says it.

And it is.

She wants others to benefit from what she is exposing about herself.

So watch Cara tell her story.

And once again, thank you, Cara.

It's not for nothing.

So when the universe calls, you better be ready.

And I mean that I've tried to write my memoirs before, and I'm one of those people where, like, there's so many weird, sad stories in it that it makes some people believe that it's a lie.

I mean, um ah, I wouldn't make it up, but anyway, but this is not about them.

This is for the people out there.

This is for you out there who thinks it's too late or you've made too many mistakes or years who broken?

I have PTSD from childhood trauma.

I always thought my mother, Karen, she was this beautiful exotic woman.

Choose five feet tall, maybe five.

And she had this deep, all of skin, Egyptian make up and this frosted blond hair, petite body but muscular and every man would turn and look at her.

She had that war it about her.

But unfortunately, she was also cursed with a a battle of mental in spiritually illness.

So while we did get this beautiful, beautiful Karen beautiful doll, she had overwhelming depression and honestly, who knows what?

Because she escaped the cracks?

Well, what did she d'oh!

I never thought she wanted me because I never remember her wanting me.

I remember my fourth or fifth birthday and, um, waking up on the weekend and you expect to see your parents there because it's your birthday and you're so excited.

And I remember seeing a German chocolate cake staring down at it with its stupid maraschino Cherries.

I hate German chocolate cake and hearing my mother say, I wish I had the doctor tie rope around my tummy so you wouldn't have been born.

Yeah, because even at that age, I looked too much like my dad.

I There is a level of jealousy, but also Hm like herself hate blood into teaching me that I was a burden.

I was thought that I was a burden or that the world did hate me and that I shouldn't be here.

Well, I guess not.

Always thought.

But if you've ever had that feeling embedded in you, this is why I'm releasing this information.

So my husband got me German chocolate cake on one of my birthdays, and I'm sure he won't do that again.

Okay.

And throat my life, Um, with my my family, my parents fighting one winter, my dad broke all the windows and they had this terrible fight.

I ran out to the sidewalk because I was always thinking about how I was embarrassed.

And Mrs r, who was my neighbor, was a Catholic elderly woman.

And she was just smoking a drag of her cigarette.

And But we could hear the windows bursting and breaking.

And I looked at her and I said, Mom and Dad are redecorating and she nodded.

Thank you for that, Mrs R.

Because she was saving my dignity, which is what I want.

I was really embarrassed.

In fact, it gets to a point in a violent childhood where you tend to be more embarrassed than afraid.

Um, it's so after my dad left, um, I turned into, like, this little Dr Phil or this little Dr Drew.

My mom would always say, uh, should I kill myself today?

I'm going to kill myself.

I'm going to do it in the bathtub.

Should I do it today, Keira?

Should I do it in the bath tap?

And she would look in the mirror at her beauty and look for little wrinkles.

What have you just for hours and hours?

Should I get a divorce?

But most often it waas Should I kill myself today?

We're should I do it in the bathtub?

And then progressively, it became without show.

All of you don't show the family.

Don't show society.

That will show me, Karen um, the world responsible.

We all missed that.

So there was a lot of anger in that going back to one of the root causes besides genetic, huh?

He says what can happen in genetics, in drug use in alcoholism?

Um, when I was 11 months old, my mother's brother, her idol, placed his two week notice and he killed himself.

And the family always was.

Very.

It was shock to them.

But he was there, this chosen one, like he was the oldest son.

And also my mother is Cem, my mother's hero.

And that is when the bottom fell out.

That is when she wanted to stop living, because if her brother wouldn't came on, why would she?

So, by the time I was, um, 67 Um, she had asked me for a lot of dating advice, and she'd always picked these womanizers are these losers and they say, um, what's a mom?

You know, these people, this guy, he's a toy friend.

There was one in particular that I really didn't like.

And I tell some of my peoples who are divorced and dating again, that you gotta be careful.

Sometimes your kid doesn't like someone.

No, because they're being a brat.

They're sensing someone, and we didn't meet someone and he was a womanizer, and I tried to tell her that this person had many women around all the time, and we still have to go over there.

And I called him my Hitler because, you know, sure, I was abused at home and choked and, you know, Claude at.

But the way he treated me was different type of degrading, as if I was just a sturdy human being.

And then then when I was 11 it began that he started asking my mom.

I caught him asking because I wanted to be a detective.

I wanted to be an author.

And maybe in some ways, God or the universe wanted me to know.

I heard him asked my mother if I had ever been kissed yet.

And he was asking really weird questions like that.

The summer I was 11.

I wanted to be like, moldering Scully on The X Files.

I wanted to be a scientist in a detective in an author and finally get good grades in school and get the heck out of a war.

A Colorado and heck out of the life I've known.

And just be happy, you know, maybe go to color at a state university.

Those were big trains.

I wasn't stupid.

And I wasn't hyperactive.

I was so much more than that.

And I had so many teachers who just they weren't I didn't recognize it.

So by that time middle school, enough drama had happened between me and my mom for her to be very un un emotionally attached to me.

And, um, we started having to go to his house on Fridays.

Now, this was a relief to me, because if I go on Friday, that means she can't beat me.

Maybe there will be food and I can watch X Files in South Park and she'll be out of my hair.

But around this time, something changed.

Hey, you got to touch me for, like, two hours and my feet right next to my mother's.

I was started kicking her toe look at us to stop him, but she wouldn't let her his move off the TV, and she even mentioned it in a different sort of way later.

But I realized that she knew what was going on, and it was intentional.

And then he went with my mother so well, living like this sucked, being with Mom, who is violent, who would make me bleed.

Who would lose her temper and now her beatings were turning very sexual.

And I have a hairline crack close to my brain.

Stuntman and choking me was her favorite thing to do.

Why didn't I go and telling them?

Because, you know, at least in his house, I wasn't beaten in her house.

I wasn't losing those parts of myself.

That should be my decision to the worst person I knew.

My mother said that she would come bake my three cats in the oven if I said anything and that's all I had.

That's all they had and it was worth being silent.

For now, I will say transition.

There was one day here.

You always promised that if my mother started hurting me to call him and he would stop it, I will protect you from being beaten.

I did call him that one day, as Ajax bleach powder was seeping into bloody wounds of mine, and he said, I don't care.

That's something you and your mother have to deal with.

After that, I was determined he would never, ever get to have me again, ever.

I should say that you recognized a pattern of money being involved with this whole scandal.

So it was money and getting punished from both sides.

So after that, I felt rather shameful going back to school.

Three teachers already thought I was, you know, stupid troubled life.

Whatever you want to say.

I did have some advocates, but feeling for between and we're going to jump forward until into when I was 26.

Uh, my mom died, okay?

And just like she had said so many times that it was going to be in a bathtub.

The issue was she had cardiac arrest in a bathtub, and my other relatives thought it was murder or suicide by the coroner, like me.

But the coroner said I cease 50 of these a week.

It's alcohol damage, liver damage, cardiac arrest.

So, yeah, she, uh she died that night.

And in some ways it was an absolute relief.

And in other ways, the after effects is what caused the PTSD.

The way people gossiped about her, the way people treated me and her probate.

I was just a kid.

I was 26 with a three year old and so many people wanted to gossip.

They gossiped at her funeral, her funeral, everyone, even the priest.

They pulled out this stupid scripture.

That was the most redundant scripture I've ever heard of.

Like, didn't even try.

And it was like an those bake or something really nonsensical.

Said maybe this was a sign Karen went to heaven.

We found it in her purse.

I had her bursts.

So everybody came to rubberneck at her funeral and gossip.

But we were being quite hypocritical.

And I always tell people don't cross a big funerals if you have to gossip, go home and do that because someone will always be listening.

And if anyone could throw somebody under the bus, it could have been me.

But she asked for dignity in death, especially when I was a little girl.

And for somebody to say for that long that she was getting off herself and for me to be in charge of not letting anyone in to see how bad her life had become.

I took that dignity seriously, that role seriously, and I was punished for it.

I other people.

But when you go into a orders home and it's someone you love by four feet of trash and you see their little handprints, you see the broken glass and holy water.

And you realize that this is how and I was cleaning out her house when the War Theater Mall massacre happened, the same place I would walk to to get books worst here.

And after that, that's what ignited the PTSD.

It was no longer depression.

It was no longer I couldn't bounce back.

There is a youthfulness in me that was finished trained.

I don't know you, Dr Adrenals, but yeah, After having my second son and my grandmother passing away, they finally said it was PTSD with PTSD.

You live with these people every day.

I live with the one perp who paid money.

I live with my mother.

I would live with those feelings.

But here's the thing.

You are not your feelings and you are not your thoughts.

And even if I take a few medications and therapy to keep rocking it, I have confidence in myself.

I know the most beautiful thing in the world is to take your story and help somebody else help somebody else with the pain that they're going through.

And I think is a kid.

That's what kept me holding on that someday I would use my story to help other people because it's a cycle that just repeats itself.

It's not easy being a creator with PTSD.

It's not easy being anybody with PTSD.

You'll get exhausted and my thought of having, you know, high energy.

And I have the upper echelon of education that was severely impacted.

I had felt like I was 13 for so long.

They're all the adults were over me, especially after my mom died because I got tossed around a lot and have a still five foot.

I was still Little little 26 year old, and her whole family flips on her because I won't let people take photos of, uh, somebody else's disease, not for gas it so and there's more.

But I will say, How did I get myself back?

It's a daily thing, and I I want to contribute, and I go back to those goals.

I had us 11 and 13.

That's where I go back to because that's where the hidden treasure is.

I wanted to be an author, and now I am an author.

My grandmother.

She never wanted me to be an author, she said.

An author, Greater Runners don't make no money.

The funny thing is, is that for my 33rd birthday on September 4, thumb of Beyonce's baby, I found out a movie was coming out.