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-What a crowd.
Thank you so much for being here.
Seriously, what's better than sitting next to 300 people
during a worldwide pandemic?
Am I right? [ Laughter and applause ]
Well, last night, President Trump held a press conference
to ease fears about the coronavirus.
And after he was done,
everyone in America breathed a huge sigh of panic.
[ Laughter ]
The big news is that Trump picked Mike Pence
to lead the government's response to the coronavirus.
[ Laughter ]
Trump said he chose Pence
because he has a certain talent for this.
[ Laughter ]
And that talent is always looking like a guy
who is holding his breath, apparently.
[ Laughter and applause ]
But Pence actually has an interesting plan
to fight the coronavirus.
He's going to send the virus to a conversion camp
where it can pray itself into the common cold.
[ Audience ohs ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'm not really sure why Pence is handling this instead of Trump.
It feels like if Trump and Pence were husband and wife,
Trump would hear a strange noise in the house and say,
"Mike, go check it out."
[ Laughter ]
"I think it's nothing, probably."
[ Laughter ]
"I'll be in the safe room."
[ Laughter ]
Actually, the press conference was a little confusing
because it seemed like Trump contradicted
what the medical experts are saying.
Let me show you what I'm talking about.
This is real.
-As the disease spreads, if it spreads --
-It's not so much a question of if this will happen anymore.
-We're rapidly developing a vaccine.
-We can't rely on a vaccine.
-This will end. This will end.
-This coronavirus will go well beyond this season
into next season.
-We have it so well under control.
-It's likely that this virus will cause a pandemic.
[ Laughter ]
-But this is helpful.
The White House also put out a video with the President's tips
to avoid catching the coronavirus.
Watch this.
-President Trump's tips to avoid the coronavirus.
Avoid close contact with other people.
Stay away from anyone with a cough.
-Let's do that over.
He's coughing in the middle of my answer.
-Yeah. Okay. -I don't like that, you know?
-Your Chief of Staff --
-If you're going to cough, please leave the room.
-And don't shake hands with anyone who just traveled abroad.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Smack!
Wow!
-Paper, scissors, rock.
We didn't mess with the audio.
That was a real -- that sounded like a "Three Stooges" slap.
[ Laughter ]
Can we see that again, Dave, just the slap?
[ Laughter and applause ]
-"Why, I ought to --" -Ow. Ow.
-Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
[ Laughter ]
-And now experts are warning
that if there's a major outbreak,
people might not be allowed to gather in large crowds.
On the bright side, Tom Steyer can keep having rallies.
-Oh. [ Laughter ]
-Meanwhile, the CDC has released a beard and mustache guide
for which styles work best with a surgical mask.
-Oh. -Take a look at this.
This is real. Yeah.
Can we see that one guy at the bottom?
Well, at least Hitler won't have a problem.
[ Laughter ]
Hitler's fine. -He's good.
[ Laughter ] What about Hitler?
Can he wear a mask? -Oh, yeah, yeah.
Some business news -- This isn't good.
Today JCPenney announced
they're closing more stores due to poor sales.
So if a friend gave you a JCPenney gift card,
one, spend it now.
And, two, get rid of that friend.
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, I'm not saying JCPenney is in rough shape,
but even the coronavirus won't go in there.
Oh, come on. Hey! [ Laughter ]
-Come on. [ Laughter and applause ]
-Hey, guys, I read about a woman who took 550 times
the normal dose of LSD and claims the foot pain
that she's had for almost 30 years went away.
[ Laughter ]
Then again, that's only because she chewed off her foot.
[ Laughter ]
550 of the normal -- What is the normal --
-I guess one? -Yeah, I guess.
[ Laughter ]
Probably none, right? -Yeah, sure. Half a --
-Finally, this isn't good.
Wildlife officials in Tennessee discovered a bald eagle
that had eaten so much it was too full to fly.
And never before has there been a greater symbol of America.
We have a great show, everybody.
コツ:単語をクリックしてすぐ意味を調べられます!

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President Trump's Tips to Avoid Coronavirus

47 タグ追加 保存
林宜悉 2020 年 3 月 26 日 に公開
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