In Scotland, do you own sheep? Yes.

And you commune with the sheep?

Erm...

I think that's putting it too strongly.

I walk through the sheep field... You've walked amongst the sheep.

..shouting at them. But... Yeah.

But isn't there a thing with a stream?

Oh.

Ah.

There usually is.

LAUGHTER

Well, OK, I've never told you this,

but sometime back...

At the bottom of the sheep field, there is a pond

where I wash, and there is a woodfired sauna,

so we go down there and get in the sauna,

but in summer I walk to and from it with nothing on,

much like the sheep.

They are appalled, obviously, just appalled.

But one night...

It was a hot summer.

There was a real thundering on the door of our place,

and it's miles away from anywhere so I thought,

oh, God, OK, the man in the mask has come to take us away,

and I was there on my own with my little daughter,

who was little then,

and we went downstairs and opened the door

and there was a massive, very good looking policeman outside,

who said, "I'm so sorry to interrupt your evening, Mrs Thompson,

"but we've had reports of an intruder on your land,

"in your field."

And I said, "Really?! Oh, God, when? When was it?"

"It was some time this afternoon, a woman was walking her dog

"and she saw 52-year-old man coming naked up through the sheep field."

At which point I thought, OK, something has happened

or my boobs have dropped so low that from a distance

they read as testicles.

I was so embarrassed because this policeman

was so lovely that I nearly whipped up,

"Honestly, it's not that bad!

"I think it was probably me!"

APPLAUSE

And he left pronto. That's what happened at the sheep field.