字幕表 動画を再生する 英語字幕をプリント -Let's get to some news. President Trump's Senate impeachment trial kicked off yesterday. Began at 1:00 p.m. and lasted 13 hours. Ooh. And out of habit, once the trial lasted more than four hours, every old Senator panicked and called their doctor. [ Laughter ] During the marathon first day, several Senators were actually caught sleeping, including Mitch McConnell. Even more upsetting, when Mitch McConnell falls asleep, he doesn't close his eyes like you and me. His head just slowly retreats into his neck. [ Laughter and applause ] And it wasn't just Mitch McConnell. A couple of other Senators also fell asleep. Meanwhile, Adam Schiff looked like he spent the night dropping Adderall into his Four Loko. [ Laughter ] Yesterday, a few Senators stepped away from the hearing and gave interviews in the hallway, which brings us to a new segment called "Ted Cruz, please stop saying that." ♪♪ -You know, there's an old saying that if you have the facts, you bang the facts. If you have the law, you bang the law. If you don't have either, you bang the table. Well, this afternoon, we've seen a whole lot of table-banging. [ Laughter ] -Oh. [ Applause ] Oh. -Meanwhile, before leaving a big economic conference in Switzerland today, Trump sat down for an interview with CNBC and was asked for his thoughts on Elon Musk. Check it out. -Do you have comments on Elon Musk? -Well, you have to give him credit. I spoke to him very recently. And he's also doing the rockets. He likes rockets. And he does good at rockets, too, by the way. [ Laughter ] -Sounds like a little kid describing Buzz Lightyear. [ Laughter ] "He does -- He does good with the rockets. He does -- He does good by the rockets." [ Laughter ] Trump then talked about needing to protect geniuses like Elon Musk. -And I was worried about him because he's one of our great geniuses, and we have to protect our genius. You know, we have to protect Thomas Edison. We have to protect all of these people that came up with, originally, the light bulb and the wheel and all of these things. [ Laughter ] -We've all had those moments when you start talking and realize you're making no sense but there's no way out. You know? We've all been there. "I love genius inventors, Elon Musk and Thomas Edison, George Foreman. He's good." [ Laughter ] "The Flex Tape guy." -"The Slap Chop. All of these." -"Slap Chop." [ Laughing ] -"ShamWow. These guys are good." [ Laughter ] -We have to protect these geniuses. Put them in a Plexiglas. -"Just give me --" [ Laughter ] -"Put them in a bird cage." -"You know." -"Put all of the geniuses in a bird cage and protect them." -"Everything bagel spice." -Stop talking. [ Laughter ] -"People are geniuses." -"You can put everything bagel spice on anything, it tastes better. It really does, It really does. It's an amazing thing." This is interesting. I read that Princess Cruises just set sail on a 111-day around-the-world cruise. Yeah, 111-day cruise. They actually came up with some names for what to call the cruise, and we have some of them for you right here. First, there's Four Months of Hell. Then there's, Like That One Scene in "Bridesmaids" But For 111 Days." [ Laughter ] And finally, there's, Where Honeymooners Disappear on Day 50 on an All New "Dateline." [ Laughter and applause ] 111 days? Too long. Finally this week, there was an attempt to break the record for largest gathering of twins, and over 14,000 pairs of twins showed up. Asked how they'd describe the event, organizers said, "Creepy. Really creepy." Guys, we have a great show!