Name: IELTS小論文の評価（全8回のうち3回目 (Evaluating a student's written IELTS essay (part 3 of 8))
Uploaded: 2021-01-14T10:04:00.000Z
Duration: 5 min 16 s
Description: VoiceTubeの動画で発音を聞きながら英語表現を覚えよう！学べる英語：

to 不定詞

I'm sorry that you have to change videos so often in this series, but I found in some of my older videos that if I make the video too long, perhaps 10 minutes long, the video and the audio are not sink.

現在進行形

So maybe I'm typing something, but the voices is totally different.

法助動詞 A2

So I have to make the video is quite short.

I also just want to remind you that that here we're just correcting grammar and structure.

So if you're finding that you're watching this video not quite understanding what the essays about, don't worry about that.

Well, after we finished correcting all the grammar will come back and go through each paragraph again.

And just look at how the sentence is linked together.

Okay, so this is just a grammar thing to begin with in structure.

Okay, here is thief thirds paragraph as funded Homecare Service's has fallen the over fifties sixties probably will not get paid care in the next few years.

This is very appearance that the governments will not have the money to pay for the health care service is it is obvious that the society will be affected.

Okay, I'll give you a second to read that and try to find a problem.

Okay, let's look at the corrected version together as funded home care service is has fallen.

Service is service is, should be, have fallen the over fifties sixties probably will not get paid care in the next few years.

And I'd like to direct your attention to this slash The student has included fifties slash sixties and sometimes in the course is that I teach.

Students will write essays and they'll use these kind of symbols lycan and symbol or ah, number sign.

Uh, and this is not the best choice stylistically to include on your essay.

Lots of students include this and sign this sign in the middle here.

And, um, it definitely will not win you marks on an exam.

Now hear the student has used fifties slash sixties, and I think they're meeting is just people that are over 50 and over 60.

And I suppose you could say, as funded Homecare Service's have fallen the over fifties and sixties.

Uh, but I think that Ah, I guess both of Those are just over 50 right?

You don't have to say over 50 and over 60.

You could just see over 50 cause that's including everyone.

So maybe what we could say is as funded Homecare Service's have fallen people aged 50 and over or the over fifties, I guess, uh, probably will not get paid care in the next few years.

I'm not quite sure We want to say that you might want to see you receive paid care.

I think that soon is just saying that, um that older people in the home, they're not really receiving, uh, the care that they need because there's so many of them.

So I think that maybe just a better way to phrase this would be will not receive paid care.

This is very apparent that the government will not have the money to pay.

We want to say it is very appearance that the government will not have the money to pay for the healthcare service is now the health care service is well, we don't know.

Are we talking about baby healthcare certain.

These healthcare service is or for, uh, yeah, the best choice to be these.

So the government will not have to pay, not have the money to pay for these healthcare service is And then the student here is linking back to three idea they brought up in the sentence before.

It is obvious that the society will be affected.

Okay, Now, structurally, the paragraph is also weak, and you may see why.

But one thing is just that, uh, that it's it's short.

 And ah, I think that the and the topic sentence or kind of really closely linked together, So it might be an idea to just kind of separate them, maybe make one topic sentence and then, uh, you know, make a separate, completely separate example sentence and then not only that, that'll make the TSA this paragraph a little bit longer. 