and welcome to the United States Treasury Department

November FATCA Q&A session for

every non US bank in the world and every non-US country in the world

in honor of Obama's open government initiative

we're going to be taking questions today in instant message format

So! To kick it off what is FATCA?

well, basically we don't like the way that you have been handling taxes for American citizens

in all of your countries, so we're gonna put the United States Internal Revenue Service in charge

. . . if your bank's choose not to cooperate with us

we're going to impose a 30 percent withholding tax

on any activities undertaken by that bank

and any of that bank's customers whether they're American citizens or not

15 F***ing aircraft carriers that's how! You're living in our world B*** get used to it!

Oh Sure! It's just withholding, it's a lot like

US income tax withholding except you don't get any services in return

and there are no refunds...

its easy all you have to do is just give us

any information you have about accounts for US citizens

Oh, uh sorry there's one more thing...

actually ... because you're going to have to prove to us

that you don't have any US accounts you're probably just going to have to give us

all of the information from all of your accounts

Why? We're great with private information, just ask Edward Snowden!

Because we own your asses! Free Ride is over f***!

Do you have any idea how much it pisses us off when people don't do things

our way?! We've been carrying the free world for 50

Goddamn years and it is time we got paid!

Oh that's not a problem. For rich countries like yourselves

we are happy to sign an agreement under which

you agree to force your banks to give you the information

which you will then send to us.

Oh ...well yeah that's ... that's certainly what the agreement will say.

But good luck getting our bankers and their congressmen to agree to that

I'm sorry I didn't catch that?

Oh yeah that reminds me of something.

All of your banks are going to have to sign

individual agreements with the IRS

in English and then fill out a whole bunch of forms with us in English

But! We have got tons of American legal and accounting professionals who are

eager to work with you!

For Just 500 bucks an hour!

Well then get used to only banking in Africa, F****s!

See ... Banking is a rich man's game and we kinda like the idea of keeping it to

ourselves. We got a system

and we're gonna set it up right!

What the F*** China! You want some of this?

That's right a one-world system run by the United States of America