I believe you were the first comedian ever to perform at Wembley Arena.

That was that.

It was good, although people say that Short Lock was the first comedian to believe he was because he was your support.

You sure was that support.

But he was in sketches, so he didn't come on till about the middle of the show.

But people just think it's true.

Let me just double check the short short.

Is that true?

You were the first?

Yes, I was first.

Yeah, well, I liked about this story is that there's some journalists concocted it and they kept was fed back to May said.

You were the first and it's quite a bit of published.

He starts went, Yeah, so I went along with it for years, and then it became the truth.

That's how history is written.

I did the best man's speech, my brother's wedding and his wife was pregnant on.

Then I opened up with It's lovely to see them together.

The bride's legs, that is way with the bride's family left the restaurant very bad cold.

I went to a wedding in the countryside And there was a sheep giving birth in the field while the wedding was going on in the marquee.

And the best man into the speech was like on a New Life Is born the sheep's given birth.

Everyone ran out into the field of the champagne and the sheets.

Baby was dead way wedding.

The bride was shot.

Jack lost his virginity in a restaurant owned by Antony Worrall.

Thompson unveiled that next time he bring enough money to pay the Bill Shack and Seaworld Thompson.

No, there was no shagging of any war, Thompson's or any celebrity chefs.

It was happy when she was happy in the booth.

It didn't go well.

No, it was a disaster.

What was No.

It's talking about how I lost my virginity.

I don't want to know.

What I said on the night John promises to tell you about is when he loses it.

Theo, you got no idea how matter.

Yes, that this is actually cost me a lot of money on eBay.

On this is some of the Duchess of Cambridge or Kate Middleton is.

She then waas some of her toenail clippings, little turnout clipping very, very royal person What do you mean?

Uh, genuine?

It cost me £25,000.

Thats just know that can't be ordinary ones, can it?

That's that's definitely from her, Theo.

Great thing about these is as DNA technology advances.

What I have in here is her d n a coat, which means that in the years to come, I will be able to make another one on.

Then she will have no rights in law.

Just be my creature.

Theo just clippings in.

The theme was targeted by an inflated feel.

Yak tricked me into putting like clear bags down my like different again and talk about it.

Um he challenged me clear bags down here, inflate them.

If you can figure that out how to do it and take photos and e mail them to me, then I'll give you $300.

It was smart because I put these clear.

Possibly.

I went down to the petrol station.

I used like them up, so I had these huge legs on.

I just did it for, like weeks because he can't challenging me like then those pictures were you know what?

Wait.

Get off on balloons and he's still follows my like career and he still reaches out.

Everyone's want.

This is gonna be fat.

James, have you got a mascot this evening?

Have brought a mascot along with me.

This is Willoughby trick.

I moved out of my parentshouse on after a month.

I went back to say hello, Andi.

This'll was on the sofa.

I said, Who's that?

She when it's with a B.

What?

Did you know him?

And she went to replace you.

Let him on the placement.

I hate him.

I don't see how that's even a look at its face.

Not happy, is it?

That's not what you made him a jacket as well.

A jacket for him that he wears just lounging around the house.

It is house colors, isn't it?

Yeah.

Look at that.

Oh, that's lovely.

That comes out is a little handkerchief from mopping his brow when he's had a tough day being in orbit.

Time to go across now to dictionary corner.

Joe, what have you got for us?

Well, Jimmy, I get a lot of parking fines on dhe.

I have realized if you ask for evidence, then often you can get out off the fine.

Now, I was up north doing a show, and I got to find.

So I e mailed the council asking for the evidence.

I got an email from some woman called Stef.

They said, Mr Lice, it I have passed your email on to the freedom of information team.

Hopefully they'll be in touch with you soon.

Now, I didn't like that word.

Hopefully So I replied, Steph, sadly, hopefully butter no past.

Can I have a knee mail address for the person you have contacted?

My lawyers would like to contact them directly.

You have been very helpful and hopefully you won't get caught up in the forthcoming coming with sinister enough replied Mr Lice It I'm not sure what you mean about her past.

I've see seated in the fo i team who will advise now?

I got an email from someone called Colin Said Mr Liszt, your request is very broad.

So I've assumed you only want information pertinent to your recent parking vine Attached is the evidence which we have, which are photographs off your car.

Clearly part in attacks on the photographs they had are off my window which had a taxi, right?

Written on it.

Bye.

presumably a disgruntled taxi driver.

There's actually no evidence of a taxi rank in that photograph.

So I went back to Colin, didn't I?

Mr Column.

When you assume you make an ass out of you and may I see that your evidence is nothing more than a picture of the words taxi rank written on my car.

I would argue this evidence is insufficient.

PS apologies for the delay in replying to your previous email.

I'm currently on the Costa del Sol.

I provided evidence off this, and then I just put this picture.

Theo.

Mr.

Lissa, in order to reverse the fine, you'll need to provide evidence that your vehicle what's not in a taxi rank.

So I said, Oh, Mr Colin, Evidence supplied as actually parked on the moon.

As you can see the way line, Mr Last I've canceled.

The fine you used to live with are Jon Richardson, didn't you?

Yeah.

I lived with John for a year.

And is there anything we can do to help way?

First met John.

He was living in her bed.

Sit in Bristol.

And may I just say it was the cleanest bed sit I for Avon and Somerset social Services have ever seen.

Then we moved in together a group of comedians into a shared house.

But John was I would not quite used to sharing yet.

So there was a negotiation about mess in which we would sort of go about our normal routine.

And John had these suddenly just let's just have a kn anecdote for an anecdote daily.

You tell this story, and then Daddy will tell us you're never going to yourself as daddy have a child is now legally accurate.

Thes little out of nowhere.

You'd be doing something on a little northern.

Passive aggressive commentary would start.

Just start up so you'd be in the kitchen and suddenly this voice and go Oh, right.

Is that where we keep the Coco Pops now?

Theo, wait.

I'll give you a clue, Jimmy.

Oh, you mean your toenail clipping his toenails intothe John Once in a fit of pique, I was very frustrated with himself.

I'm like a lot of us do Wanted to take that out on a mug.

However, what John brought to that was he was so worried about the mess it would make he wrapped in a t tell James?

Yes.

Have you got a mascot?

I do have a mascot.

Yeah, I have this guy.

We don't actually have a name for only but in my M, it's No, This was my great great great, possibly great grandfathers Because he used to be a market trader on Dhe.

He would take his stool to market every day on this is a replica of the horse.

That way, Jay, I am.

I didn't bring a mascot because the producer said we gotta have one.

Why don't you take it?

It's gonna be fine, buddy.

Don't you don't win this evening.

You know why?

Very unlucky.

Dispatching it is unlucky to smash a Shire horse.

Don't say that.

I didn't know that nine years battle old Piss off.

I think it's no.

Is it the best Christmas gift you've ever received?

Dog God dog for Christmas.

I know you think in our dog it's the life not just for Christmas, James, But I mean, this dog was just the Christmas to be bad.

But in my defense, it was 15 when we got it had only given it until New Year's.

Anyway, I was just hanging out of it.

I took really good care of it.

Probably the happiest month for that dog's life.

Really looked after that dog.

And then, I mean, you just went in the garden with all the other dogs of Christmas way.

Top of your Christmas list this year, Dog.

Okay, I'm with James.

Of course it's Susie Dent.

Thes Christmas.

Thousands of people will be waking up on Christmas morning and finding Susie dense new book amongst their presence.

So if you're watching charity shop owners, you might want to clear a shelf.

Susie, are there any Christmas words that you particularly like?

Uh, well, after all, this food is gonna be your you'll hole.

What you'll hole you hold is the furthest hole on your belt, so they have to make it that's reserved just for Christmas.

I dig in the garden for the ah, it's a little gripe, really.

One thing I hate Christmas, but just all of the year is when people engraved messages into jewelry like sentimental messages is a website I found that has really horrible examples.

This one.

Maybe you want to give your partner a little gesture of your love for one another.

You might want to write.

Our love is timeless onto a shit.

10.

Theo 1999.

The other thing that I found this Ah, necklace for somebody who's died, which has got until we meet again for that special someone.

I find these offensive if I'm honest And so what I thought I'd do is see how offensive I could get with an engraver.

And so I got in contact with a friend of mine who works in Birmingham's Jewellery Quarter for some contacts of some engravers.

Andi, this is one text exchange I had I wrote.

Hello, I'm looking to get a message engraved on a bracelet.

Can you help?

The reply was sure.

What is the text for the bracelet?

I just went straight in and I replied, Fuck the police.

They agreed to it, he said.

That's different.

Should be fine.

Let's see how far we could go.

Said it will need to be quite small, as it will be for a child.

Another one I did Hello, Paul will call him.

I want a bracelet engraved with a heartfelt message.

Have you any availability?

Thanks, Joe, he replied.

I could do the next couple of weeks.

What sort of bracelets.

Flash message.

I replied, I need a rose gold bracelet engraved with you're not my real death, Theo.

Theo.

Sorry.

No can do I So do not do Brock fathers.

No, I won't engrave that message.

So I just thought Let's see where I could go with Paul.

So I said, How about I love you, Sandra?

He said yes.

Obviously I can do that.

So what?

Can you do it in the shape of a swath?

Very good.

Bye bye.

We don't do team names on this show, but if we did, I think it would be Brokeback Mountain.

Today.

People forget that.

Actually, those two did a very good job of looking after the herd.

They did.