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  • >> WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO THE LATE SHOW.

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S JUST OUR SECOND SHOW OF

  • 2020.

  • AND SO FAR, WE'RE NOT DOING TOO WELL ON THE NEW YEAR'S

  • RESOLUTION OF "DON'T GO TO WAR WE'VE BEEN WAITING ON PINS AND

  • NEEDLES TO SEE HOW IRAN WOULD RESPOND.

  • IT'S LIKE OUR COUNTRY HAS SENT AN IMPULSIVE LATE-NIGHT TEXT,

  • AND NOW WE'RE STARRING AT THOSE THREE LITTLE DOTS.

  • THIS MORNING, A TOP IRANIAN SECURITY OFFICIAL REVEALED THE

  • COUNTRIES THAT DRAWN UP 13 SCENARIOS TO RETALIATE-- ALSO

  • KNOWN AS AN AYATOLLAH'S DOZEN.

  • U.S. OFFICIALS ARE REPORTEDLY CONCERNED THAT IRAN COULD TRY TO

  • STRIKE A HIGH-LEVEL AMERICAN LEADER.

  • WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHO THE EQUIVALENT OF SOLEIMANI WOULD BE

  • IN THE UNITED STATES.

  • WHO WOULD IT HAVE TO BE?

  • IT WOULD HAVE TO BE A WELL-KNOWN MILITARY LEADER WHO IS A

  • NATIONAL SYMBOL OF SECURITY AND STABILITY.

  • OH, MY GOD!

  • IT'S THE GENERAL!

  • GET OUT OF THERE, SIR!

  • TRUMP ISN'T REAL HAPPY ABOUT IRAN NOT BEING REAL HAPPY WITH

  • HIM, AND HE SHOWED THAT TODAY WHEN HE MET WITH THE PRIME

  • MINISTER OF GREECE FOR A VERY GRUMPY EPISODE OF: "CHAIR CHAT!

  • >> Stephen: TRUMP WAS ASKED ABOUT HIS DECISION TO TAKE

  • OUT SOLEIMANI, AND HE HAD NO REGRETS.

  • >> HE WAS TRAVELING WITH THE HEAD OF HEZBOLLAH.

  • THEY WERE NOT THERE TO DISCUSS A VACATION.

  • THEY WERE NOT THERE TO GO TO A NICE RESORT SOMEPLACE IN

  • BAGHDAD.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "AND THAT'S WHY WE BLEW HIM UP,

  • BECAUSE HE WASN'T STAYING AT ONE OF MY HOTELS."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • AFTER GETTING CRITICIZED FOR THREATENING TO ATTACK IRAN'S

  • CULTURAL SITES, TRUMP WALKED IT BACK...

  • KIND OF SORT OF.

  • >> THEY ARE ALLOWED TO KILL OUR PEOPLE.

  • THEY ARE ALLOWED TO MAIM OUR PEOPLE.

  • THEY ARE ALLOWED TO BLOW UP EVERYTHING THAT WE HAVE, AND

  • THERE IS NOTHING THAT STOPS THEM, AND WE ARE, ACCORDING TO

  • VARIOUS LAWS, SUPPOSED TO BE VERY CAREFUL WITH THEIR CULTURAL

  • HERITAGE.

  • AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

  • IF THAT IS WHAT THE LAW IS, I LIKE TO OBEY THE LAW.

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "I LIKE TO OBEY THE LAW, JUST

  • ASK PAUL MANAFORT OR MICHAEL COHEN.

  • IF THEY EVER GET OUT OF FEDERAL PRISON, THEY WILL VOUCH FOR ME.

  • THOSE TWO GUYS-- THEY'RE GONNA, THEY'RE GONNA...

  • WITH THE GREEK PRIME MINISTER SITTING BESIDE HIM, TRUMP ALSO

  • PRAISED AMERICANS OF GREEK HERITAGE.

  • >> WE HAVE A TREMENDOUS GREEK POPULATION, OVER THREE MILLION

  • PEOPLE, AS I UNDERSTAND IT.

  • THAT'S FANTASTIC.

  • I REALLY FEEL I KNOW MOST OF THEM.

  • I THINK I KNOW ALL OF THEM, COME TO THINK OF IT.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "I KNOW EVERYONE FROM GREECE:

  • RIZZO.

  • FRENCHY.

  • DANNY ZUKO.

  • TELL ME MORE TELL ME MORE

  • DID YOU GET VERY FAR?

  • TELL ME MORETELL ME MORE

  • LIKE, DOES HE HAVE A CAR?

  • UH-HUH, UH-HUH UH-HUH, UH-HUH

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • >> COME ON, MAN.

  • GET INTO IT!

  • >> Stephen: SO THINGS ARE BAD WITH IRAN, BUT DON'T WORRY,

  • THINGS ARE ALSO BAD WITH IRAQ.

  • ON SUNDAY, IRAQ'S PARLIAMENT VOTED TO EXPEL AMERICAN

  • TROOPS.

  • SO IRAQ SAID, "GET OUT."

  • AND THE PENTAGON WAS LIKE...

  • OKAY.

  • EVIDENTLY, BECAUSE YESTERDAY WE FOUND OUT THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT

  • SENT IRAQ A LETTER SAYING THEY WERE REPOSITIONING OUR FORCES

  • FOR MOVEMENT OUT OF IRAQ.

  • BUT ALMOST IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE RELEASE OF THAT LETTER, OUR TOP

  • GENERAL SAID THE LETTER SUGGESTING THE U.S. WOULD

  • WITHDRAW FROM IRAQ WAS A "MISTAKE."

  • OOPSA-TROOPSY!

  • THE PAYING SAYS THE COPY OF THE ENSIGNED LETTER LEAKED TO THE

  • PRESS WAS A DRAFT.

  • IT WAS NEVER SENT AS A FORMAL MEMORANDUM.

  • YOU CAN'T SEND SOMEONE A LETTER OF THAT MAGNITUDE AND THEN SAY

  • IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

  • IT'S LIKE SAYING, "HONEY, THAT BREAKUP EMAIL WAS FROM MY DRAFTS

  • FOLDER.

  • NOW, AS I WAS SAYING, WITH THIS RING, I THEE WED."

>> WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO THE LATE SHOW.

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トランプ大統領"I like to Obey The Law" (President Trump: "I Like To Obey The Law")

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    林宜悉 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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