>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

HI!

WELCOME TO MY BATHROOM, I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

YOU'RE WATCH AGO VERY SPECIAL SOCIAL DISTANCING EDITION OF

"THE LATE SHOW" OR AS I NOW CALL IT, THE LATHER SHOW WITH

SCRUBIN' COLBERT.

MY FIRST GUEST IS MR. BUBBLE FOLLOWED BY MUSICAL PERFORMANCE

BY THE LEGENDARY DUO HEAD AND SHOULDERS.

THANKS, GUYS.

NOW, IF YOU WILL NOTICE, I'M IN MY BATHING SUIT, AND I'M COMING

TO YOU FROM A SECRET ULTRA-SECURE TUB.

I WAS GOING TO USE MY RICH PERSON BUNKER BUT TURNS OUT GUYS

FROM "PARASITE" ARE LIVING THERE.

VERY NICE FOLKS.

THE BIG STORY TONIGHT IS ALL YOU PEOPLE.

PEOPLE ALL OVER AMERICA HAVE HUNKERED DOWN IN THEIR OWN

HOUSES TO RIDE OUT THE THE CORONAVIRUS.

THE C.D.C. IS SAYING THIS MIGHT GO ON FOR THE NEXT EIGHT WEEKS.

SO GET COMFORTABLE, AND TRY TO LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, YOU'RE

FINALLY GOING TO GET A CHANCE TO BINGE WATCH ALL THAT TOILET

PAPER YOU BOUGHT, AND YOU BETTER WATCH IT, JACK, BECAUSE I'M

COMING FOR IT.

I DID NOT PLAN WELL.

THE GOVERNMENT -- REMEMBER THEM?

THE GOVERNMENT IS TELLING ALL OF US TO AVOID HUMAN CONTACT

INDEFINITELY.

ON BEHALF TO HAVE THE SOCIALLY ANXIOUS EVERYWHERE, LET ME JUST

SAY WAY AHEAD OF YOU.

I HAVE BEEN AVOIDING HUMAN CONTACT SINCE BEFORE IT WAS

COOL.

KEEP IN MIND, THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME HUMANITY HAS HAD TO

SEQUESTER ITSELF TO PREVENT THE SPREAD OF INFECTION.

DID YOU KNOW SIR ISAAC NEWTON RETREATED TO HIS HOME IN THE

COUNTRYSIDE WHEN THE GREAT PLAGUE OF 1 1665 HIT LONDON?

DURING THAT ISOLATION, HE DISCOVERED CALCULUS AND CAME UP

WITH HIS THEORY OF GRAVITY, AND THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE HIS KIDS

WERE STUCK AT HOME WHIPPING APPLES AT EACH OTHERS' HEADS.

SHAKESPEARE ALSO HAD TO WORK FROM HOME TO PROTECT HIMSELF

FROM A PLAGUE AT THE TIME AND WROTE KING LEAR, AND ROMEO AND

PORN HUB.

IT IS A FREAKY, FREAKY TIME.

I GOVERNOR YOU THAT.

I'M SURE A LOT OF YOU ARE WORRIED, BUT IF YOU'RE WATCHING

FROM HOME, KNOW KNOW YOU'RE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

I'M AT HOME, EVERY MEMBER OF MY STAFF IS HOME, BECAUSE WE NEED

TO SLOW THE SPREAD OF THIS VIRUS.

EPIDEMIOLOGISTS CALL THIS FLATTENING THE CURVE, BUT BASED

ON MY CURRENT LEVEL OF INACTIVITY AND STRESS BAKING, I

DEFINITELY WILL NOT BE FLATTENING MY CURVES.

LOOK WHAT I MADE LAST NIGHT.

LOOK HOW FLAKEY THE RIDGES ARE.

A PEAR AND ALMOND CREAM TART.

MY BEST.

NOW, FLATTENING THE CURVE REFERS TO THIS GRAPH THAT ILLUSTRATES

THE SPREAD OF THE CORONAVIRUS.

IF WE ALL STAY AT HOME AND KEEP OUR DISTANCE, WE WON'T GET THIS

HUGE SPIKE RIGHT HERE IN THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE GETTING SICK

ALL AT ONCE.

YOU WILL, HOWEVER, SEE A HUGE SPIKE IN THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE

FINALLY CLEANING THEIR STOVES.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT YOU FIND IN THERE.

THE IMPORTANT THING IS TO KEEP THE NUMBER OF CASES BELOW THIS

DOTTED LINE.

SEE THAT LITTLE DOTTED LINE, THOUGH?

THAT IS THE LINE AT WHICH OUR ENTIRE HEALTHCARE SYSTEM BECOMES

OVERWHELMED AND, AT THAT POINT, PEOPLE MIGHT HAVE TO STAY AT

HOME AND TREAT THEMSELVES, THEN MAIL THEMSELVES AN $8,000

MEDICAL BILL.

NOW TRUMP AND HIS CORONAVIRUS TEAM HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE

TODAY AND I'VE GOT TO SAY HIS TONE WAS DRAMATICALLY DIFFERENT

THAN PREVIOUS DAYS.

>> THEREFORE, MY ADMINISTRATION IS RECOMMENDING ALL AMERICANS

INCLUDE THE YOUNG AND HEALTHY WORK TO ENGAGE IN SCHOOLING FROM

HOME WHEN POSSIBLE, AVOID GATHERING IN GROUPS OF MORE THAN

10 PEOPLE, AVOID DISCRETIONARY TRAVEL, AND AVOID EATING AND

DRINKING AT BARS, REST RESTAURANTS AND PUBLIC FOOD

COURTS.

>> Stephen: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

DON'T GET TOGETHER IN GROUPS OF MORE THAN TEN PEOPLE.

THIS IMPORTANT INFORMATION COMING FROM THE CORONAVIRUS TASK

FORCE WHICH HAS 21 MEMBERS.

THIS IS ACTUALLY A GOOD MATH LESSON FOR ALL THOSE KIDS NOW

BEING HOME-SCHOOLED.

QUESTION, IF THE CORONAVIRUS TASK FORCE HAS 21 MEMBERS BUT

GROUPS AREN'T ALLOWED TO CONTAIN MORE THAN TEN PEOPLE, HOW MANY

MORE MONTHS ARE WE GOING TO HAVE TO BE EATING CHEF BOY ARE DEE?

IN FACT, THE QUESTION ON EVERYONE'S MIND IS HOW LONG IS

THIS GOING TO GO ON?

>> PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT JULY, AUGUST, SOMETHING LIKE

THAT.

SO IT COULD BE RIGHT IN THAT PERIOD OF TIME WHERE I SAY IT

WASHES THROUGH.

THEY THINK AUGUST, COULD BE JULY, COULD BE LONGER.

THEY THINK AUGUST, COULD BE JULY, COULD BE LONGER.

>> Stephen: YES, TO CONTROL THE SPREAD OF THIS VIRUS, THEY

ARE WORKING HAND IN HAND, TONGUE IN MOUTH, SNEEZE IN FACE.

AS RECENTLY AS YESTERDAY, TRUMP WAS SAYING HE HAD THIS VIRUS

UNDER CONTROL.

AND TODAY?

>> YOU'RE NOT SAYING IT'S UNDER CONTROL, RIGHT?

>> I'M NOT REFERRING TO "IT," MEANING THE --

>> THE VIRUS.

IF YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THE VIRUS, NO, THAT'S NOT UNDER

CONTROL FOR ANY PLACE IN THE WORLD.

>> THAT IS AS COMFORTING AS A PARENT TUCKING IN THEIR CHILD.

RELAX, KIDS, THERE AREN'T JUST MONSTERS UNDER YOUR BEDS, THERE

ARE MONSTERS AROUND ALL THE BEDS AROUND THE WORLD AND I DON'T

HAVE ANY OF IT UNDER CONTROL.

GOOD NIGHT!

BUT TRUMP IS ADAMANT HE'S DOING THE BEST HE CAN WITH THE HAND HE

WAS DEALT.

>> WHEN WE HAVE A FUTURE PROBLEM, IF AND WHEN, AND

HOPEFULLY WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING LIKE THIS, BUT IF THERE IS,

WE'RE GOING TO BE STARTING OFF FROM A MUCH HIGHER PLATEAU,

BECAUSE WE WERE AT A VERY, VERY LOW BASE.

WE HAD A SYSTEM THAT WAS NOT MEANT FOR THIS.

>> Stephen: YES, SOME IDIOT DISBANDED OBAMA'S PANDEMIC

RESPONSE TEAM.

WE SHOULD REALLY LOOK INTO WHOEVER WAS AFTER PRESIDENT

OBAMA BECAUSE THAT GUY SCREWED THE POOCH, WHICH, BY THE WAY, IS

ANOTHER WAY THE VIRUS CAN SPREAD.

THE IMPORTANT THING IS TRUMP WAS FOCUSED ON THE FUTURE.

>> IF EVERYONE MAKES THIS CHANGE OR THESE CRITICAL CHANGES AND

SACRIFICES NOW, WE WILL RALLY TOGETHER AS ONE NATION, AND WE

WILL DEFEAT THE VIRUS, AN WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BIG CELEBRATION

ALL TOGETHER.

>> Stephen: YES, IT'S TRUE, WE WILL ALL CELEBRATE -- THE

INAUGURATION OF ANYONE ELSE.

NOW, IN ORDER TO SELF-ISOLATE, AMERICANS HAVE BEEN STOCKING UP

ON ESSENTIALS, BUT, NOW, PEOPLE ARE LINING UP TO BUY GUNS AND

AMMO.

NO!

YOU CAN'T SHOOT A VIRUS!

THE THOUGHT OF FRIGHTENED AMERICANS ARMING THEMSELVES TO

THE TEETH SCARES THE CRAP OUT OF ME, AND THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER

LEFT!

NO CARDS TO BE THE TABLE, I TOO HAVE GIVEN IN TO THE HOARDING

IMPULSE.

YES, I BOUGHT A CAN OF BEANS.

YEAH.

THERE'S LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF BEANS IN THIS CAN.

ONE OF THEM'S GOT TO BE MAGICAL.

THAT'S JUST MATH.

NOW, THERE ARE SOME PROFESSIONAL HOARDERS, LIKE THAT GUY IN

TENNESSEE WHO HAS OVER 17,000 BOTTLES OF HAND SANITIZER IN HIS

GARAGE AND NOWHERE TO SELL THEM AFTER AMAZON CRACKED DOWN ON

CORONAVIRUS PRICE GOUGING.

IT'S IRONIC HE HAS ALL THE HAND SANITIZER IN TENNESSEE BUT NO

ONE WILL EVER WANT TO SHAKE HIS HAND AGAIN.

IN AN IDEAL WORLD, OUR ELECTED LEADERS WOULD URGE US TO FOLLOW

THE ADVICE OF EXPERTS.

HOWEVER, REPRESENTATIVE FROM CALFORNIA DEVIN NUNES SAYS

THIS.

>> A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE SCARED TO GO OUT.

BUT I'M GOING TO SAY YOU AND YOUR FAMILY, IT'S A GOOD TIME TO

GO TO A RESTAURANT, YOU'RE LIKELY TO GET IN EASILY.

GO TO YOUR LOCAL PUB.

>> Stephen: NOTHING GETS PEOPLE SCARED ABOUT GOING

SOMEWHERE IS THE IDEA OF RUNNING INTO DEVIN NUNES.

SOME SET BAD CHAMPS.

NEW YORK MAYOR BILL DE BLASIO WENT TO WORK OUT AT HIS Y.M.C.A.

DON'T YOU KNOW IT'S GOOD TO WORK OUT?

♪ YOU CAN WATER YOUR PLANTS, YOU CAN WALK AROUND WITHOUT PANTS ♪

ANOTHER MAN DOING IT WRONG WAS OKLAHOMA GOVERNOR.

HE TWEETED EATING WITH KIDS AND ALL MY FELLOW OKLAHOMANS AT THE

COLLECTIVE OKC.

IT'S PACKED TODAY TONIGHT.

HIS TWEET WENT VIRAL BUT NOT AS VIRAL AS EVERYONE AT THE

RESTAURANT.

HE DELETED THE TWEET BUT HIS OFFICE DOUBLED DOWN AND SAID THE

GOVERNOR WILL CONTINUE TO TAKE HIS FAMILY TO DINNER AND THE

GROCERY STORE WITHOUT LIVING IN FEAR AND ENCOURAGES OKLAHOMANS

DO THE SAME.

A TRUE STIT FOR BRAINS.

GOVERNOR, DON'T BRING OKLAHOMANS DOWN WITH YOU.

IT'S ONE THING TO STAY ON THE TITANIC.

IT'S ANOTHER THING TO SAY WHY IS EVERYBODY GETTING ON THE DUMB

LIFEBOATS?

THE STREAM QUARTERRETTE IS STILL PUMPING OUT THE DAMS!

SOME BUSINESSES CHOSE TO SHUT DOWN LIKE DISNEY WORLD WHICH

MADE THE PRUDENT DECISION TO CLOSE BUT THEY STILL HELD ONE

LAST FIREWORKS SHOW AND IT WAS PACKED.

DOESN'T A LAST SHOW SORT OF DEFEAT THE PURPOSE?

IT'S LIKE FINDING OUT YOUR PARTNER HAS HERPES AND THEN

SAYING, WE SHOULD STOP SLEEPING TOGETHER AFTER ONE LAST NIGHT OF

BLISTERING PASSION!

AT T POINT IS, AT THIS TIME OF NATIONAL PERIL, WE ALL HAVE TO

DO OUR PART.

WE ALL HAVE TO DON'T OUR PART.

THERE IS NO COUNTRY IN THE WORLD MORE PREPARED FOR THAT THAN THE

U.S.A.

TURNS OUT, AMERICANS WITH RESPECT LAZY COUCH POTATOES THIS

WHOLE TIME.

ALL THAT SITTING ON OUR ASSES AND WATCHING TV WAS ACTUALLY

TRAINING TO SAVE THE WORLD.

SO TO PARAPHRASE IN IMMORALITILE WORDS OF JOHN F. KENNEDY, ASK

NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU, ASK HOW MANY EPISODES OF

LOVE IS BLIND CAN YOU WATCH IN ONE SITTING.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.