I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH, YEAH, YOU CAN TELL, MAN.

IT IS FRIDAY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT IS ABOUT DAMN TIME.

AND IT'S BEEN A HELL OF A FEW DAYS.

YEARS FROM NOW, WE'LL LOOK BACK ON THIS WEEK AND THINK, "HEY,

WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET THE RESULTS OF THE IOWA CAUCUS?"

( LAUGHTER ) SO MANY HUGE THINGS HAPPENED IN

THE PAST SIX DAYS, I'M GETTING THEM ALL MIXED UP.

I'M PRETTY SURE MITT ROMNEY WAS ACQUITTED OF AWARDING THE MEDAL

OF FREEDOM TO SHAKIRA'S SPARKLY SHORT-SHORTS?

THIS WEEK, WE ALL ENDURED TRUMP'S STATE OF THE UNION.

NOT ALL OF US, BECAUSE THE SPEECH'S TV RATINGS WERE DOWN

2% FROM LAST YEAR, WHICH MEANS IF HE DOES IT AGAIN NEXT YEAR,

HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO PULL SOME TV GIMMICKS TO ROPE IN VIEWERS.

SO GET READY FOR "YOUNG UNION.

"THE STATE OF OUR SHELDON IS BAZINGA!"

BUT NOW THAT THE G.O.P. HAS COVERED UP TRUMP'S CRIMES, IT'S

UP TO VOTERS TO GET RID OF THE GUY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YUP.

DO YOUR DUTY.

GOTTA VOTE.

I SAID DUTY.

>> Jon: EVERYBODY IS VERY HYPED TO DO THAT.

>> Stephen: I DID.

I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF:

>> YOU, OFF THE BOARD, OR I'LL COME UP AND DRAWING OFF!

♪ ♪ ♪ >> A PROGRESSIVE AGENDA.

>> WHY THE HELL DO THEY LIKE CHOCOLATE?

>> "FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE, 2020."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) STIERS IS TIGHT, MAN.

IT TOOK A LONG TIME TO SORT OUT WHAT HAPPENED AT THE IOWA

CAUCUS, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S FINALLY ALMOST SETTLED.

I'M SORRY, CHAIR OF THE D.N.C., YOU WERE SAYING?

"ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

IN LIGHT OF THE PROBLEMS THAT HAVE EMERGED, I AM CALLING ON

THE IOWA DEMOCRATIC PARTY TO IMMEDIATELY BEGIN A

RECANVASS."

WHAT?

NOOO!

IOW-ONCE WAS ENOUGH!

THIS IS THE WORST REBOOT IDEA SINCE "LITTLE WOMEN 2: THE

REVENGE OF ZOMBIE BETH!" ( LAUGHTER )

WATCH OUT, MARMEE.

SHE'S COMING BACK FOR HER PIANO!

NOW, WHETHER THEY RECANVASS OR NOT, THE BIG WINNERS IN IOWA

WERE BERNIE SANDERS AND PETE BUTTIGIEG, AND THEY'RE

LEADING IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, TOO.

THEY'RE LEADING IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, TOO.

SO THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN'S GOING TO HAVE TO COME UP WITH A WHOLE NEW

STRATEGY.

( AS TRUMP ) "HELLO, UKRAINE?

I KNOW I JUST ESCAPED IMPEACHMENT, BUT I NEED YOU TO

DO ME A FAVOR, THOUGH.

IS THERE ANY CHANCE YOU GUYS COULD FIND A HUNTER BUTTIGIEG?"

( LAUGHTER ) HELLO?

THE IOWA RESULTS WERE ROUGH FOR JOE BIDEN.

HE FINISHED FOURTH, WITH ONLY 15.8%.

HE MADE A BIG MISTAKE WHEN HE ATTACKED IOWA'S STATE MASCOT.

>> CORN POP WAS A BAD DUDE!

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: BIDEN'S FOURTH-PLACE

FINISH WAS A TOUGH BLOW TO HIS CAMPAIGN, BUT THIS WEEK IN NEW

HAMPSHIRE, HE TOLD VOTERS THIS: >> AS MY MOTHER WOULD SAY,

"HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL, PAL."

WE ARE NOT GIVING UP.

WE ARE NOT GIVING UP.

>> Stephen: THIS IS ONLY THE SECOND STATE, AND YOU'RE

ALREADY ON "HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL?"

THAT'S LIKE BEING 10 MINUTES INTO A HIKE AND SAYING,

"WHADDYA SAY WE EAT LUKE FIRST?

HE'S SINGLE, NO ONE'S GONNA MISS HIM!"

HE'S ALREADY SWEATY AND SALTY.

HE SEASONED HIMSELF.

LET'S DO IT.

COME ON, LET'S DO THIS THING.

SLOW IT UP.

>> Jon: VEGETARIAN.

>> Stephen: BUT BIDEN ALSO RECOGNIZES HOW BAD THIS LOOKS.

>> I AM NOT GOING TO SUGARCOAT IT.

WE TOOK A GUT PUNCH IN IOWA.

THE WHOLE PROCESS TOOK A GUT PUNCH.

BUT, LOOK, THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I'VE BEEN

KNOCKED DOWN.

>> Stephen: (AS BIDEN) "WHY, JUST TODAY ON THE WALK

OVER HERE, SOME MANIAC WRESTLED ME TO THE GROUND.

IT LATER TURNED OUT TO BE THE WINDBREAKER I WAS TRYING TO PUT

ON.

( LAUGHTER ) HE'S A BAD DUDE."

BIDEN IS SO OPTIMISTIC THAT AT A CNN TOWN HALL, BIDEN EXPLAINED

WHAT HE'S LOOKING FOR IN A VICE PRESIDENT.

>> AS VICE PRESIDENT, I THINK IT WOULD BE WONDERFUL TO HAVE A

WOMAN OR A PERSON OF COLOR AS VICE PRESIDENT.

BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I'VE LEARNED FROM MY

RELATIONSHIP WITH BARACK-- I CALL HIM BARACK, NOT PRESIDENT,

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO CONFUSE HIM WITH THE PRESIDENT.

>> Stephen: DID YOU NOTICE HOW SUBTLY WITH BIDEN INSERTS OBAMA

INTO EVERY POSSIBLE ANSWER.

"DO YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?" "NO, BUT YOU KNOW WHO LOVES

FRIES?

MY FRIEND BARACK OBAMA LOVES FRIES.

HE USED TO SAY TO ME, 'JOE?'-- HE USED TO SAY TO ME, 'JOE?'--

HE CALLED ME JOE BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO CONFUSE ME WITH

VICE PRESIDENT JOHN C. CALHOUN.

HE'D SAY, 'JOE, THESE ARE SOME TASTY FRIES, AND YOU'D MAKE A

TASTY PRESIDENT.

LIKE ME, JOE BIDEN'S FRIEND BARACK OBAMA.'"

( LAUGHTER ) BIDEN'S POOR PERFORMANCE IS PURE

GOLD FOR ONE OF HIS RIVALS, FORMER NEW YORK CITY MAYOR AND

IGUANA REFUSING TO DO THE TRICK DURING THE ANIMAL SHOW, MIKE

BLOOMBERG.

BLOOMBERG HAS BEEN RUNNING AN UNCONVENTIONAL CAMPAIGN BY

SKIPPING THE EARLY STATES, AND HOPING FOR THE COLLAPSE OF OTHER

LEADING CAMPAIGNS, MOST CRUCIALLY, JOE BIDEN'S.

REALLY MAKES BLOOMBERG SEEM LIKE A NICE GUY.

( AS EVIL BLOOMBERG ) "OH, YEEEES, JOE!

YES!

OH, DO TIRE YOURSELF SHAKING THE HANDS OF THE PAUPERS AS I WATCH

FROM MY GLITTERING TOWER HIGH ABOVE THE CITY.

SOON, I SHALL BE THE ONE KISSING THOSE PENNILESS BABIES IN ARMS

AND SUPPING UPON THE APPLE'D PIES!

ME: RELATABLE EVERYMAN MICHAEL "MIKE" BLOOMBERG-- WENTWORTH, TO

THE VELOCICOPTER!" ( APPLAUSE )

HE HAS.

HE CAN FLY HELICOPTERS.

>> Jon: HE FLIES THAT.

THAT'S INTERESTING.

>> Stephen: BLOOMBERG'S GOING ALL IN ON HIS PLAN, BECAUSE HE

JUST TOLD HIS TEAM TO DOUBLE HIS SPENDING ON TELEVISION

COMMERCIALS.

HOW?

HOW CAN HE DO THAT?

HE'S ALREADY ON TV ALL THE TIME.

AT THIS POINT, HE'LL HAVE TO BUY AD SPACE IN OTHER PEOPLE'S

COMMERCIALS.

GET ANOTHER TUB IN THERE.

SCRUB THEM OFF!

NOW, JOE BIDEN'S GOING TO HAVE TROUBLE SWALLOWING HIS NEXT

ONE, BUT THIS, WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SHOW YOU, IS MIKE BLOOMBERG'S

ACTUAL LATEST COMMERCIAL.

>> HE'S BEEN A LEADER THROUGHOUT THE COUNTRY FOR THE

PAST 12 YEARS.

MR. MICHAEL BLOOMBERG IS HERE.

>> LEADERSHIP IN ACTION.

MAYOR BLOOMBERG AND PRESIDENT OBAMA WORKED TOGETHER IN THE

FIGHT FOR GUN-SAFETY LAWS, TO IMPROVE EDUCATION, AND TO

DEVELOP INNOVATIVE WAYS TO HELP TEENS GAIN THE SKILLS NEEDED TO

FIND GOOD JOBS.

>> Stephen: WOW.

I THINK BLOOMBERG'S STRATEGY IS JUST STEAL EVERY OTHER

CANDIDATES' THING.

( AS BLOOMBERG ) "I BELIEVE THE TOP 10th OF THE

TOP 10% HAVE TOO MUCH POWER, BUT AS MAYOR OF SOUTH BEND,

INDIANA, I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.

IT INVOLVES MY DOG BAILEY, WHO'S GONNA GIVE YOU $1,000 A MONTH.

NOW LET'S BRING OUT MY HUSBAND, CHASTEN.

I'M MICHAEL YANG-BERNWARR-BOOTY.

AND BARACK OBAMA APPROVED THIS MESSAGE."

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

BUT-- BUT-- BUT TRUMP'S NOT WORRIED ABOUT

2020 RIGHT NOW.

INSTEAD, TRUMPS IS LASER FOCUSED ON HIS REAL ENEMY: NEW YORK.

TRUMP AND HIS IMMIGRATION GOONS HAVE BEEN MAD AT NEW YORK STATE

EVER SINCE THEY PASSED "A LAW THAT ALLOWS UNDOCUMENTED

IMMIGRANTS TO OBTAIN DRIVER'S LICENSES."

AND TRUMP BELIEVES THEY SHOULD ONLY BE ABLE TO GET MARRIAGE

LICENSES.

SO-- ( LAUGHTER )

SO-- >> Jon: WOW.

>> Stephen: SO, THE ADMINISTRATION CAME UP WITH A

WAY TO STICK IT TO ITS OWN CITIZENS, BY BLOCKING NEW

YORKERS FROM ENROLLING IN GLOBAL ENTRY, A TRAVEL PROGRAM

WHICH ALLOWS APPROVED PARTICIPANTS FASTER PASSAGE

THROUGH SECURITY AT AIRPORTS.

THAT IS THE CRUELEST PUNISHMENT IMAGINABLE: MORE TIME IN

NEWARK.

( LAUGHTER ) ON THE PLUS SIDE-- ON THE PLUS

SIDE-- I'LL SAY THIS-- THAT DOES MEAN MORE TIME FOR ME TO

FINISH MY QDOBA NACHOS INSIDE THE LACTATION PRIVACY POD.

FOR AM I NOT THE CHILD AT HEART, SUCKLING ON THE NACHO TEAT?

"BE OUT IN A MINUTE.

I'M HAVING TROUBLE LATCHING ON."

THE ANNOUNCEMENT WAS DROPPED ON US LAST NIGHT BY ACTING HOMELAND

SECURITY SECRATARY AND NAME THAT A WOLF PRETENDING TO BE HUMAN

WOULD CALL ITSELF-- CHAD WOLF.

"IT IS I, CHAD WOLF, a MAN WHO LOVES HUMAN THINGS, LIKE COOKED

FOOD.

AND STANDING.

CHAD WOLF SEES SOMETHING ON YOUR NECK.

COME CLOSER TO CHAD WOLF."

( LAUGHTER ) THERE'S ALSO NEWS ABOUT FIRST

SON, DON JR., SEEN HERE DELIVERING HIS CROWD-PLEASING

CATCHPHRASE: "GAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH."

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

( CHEERS ) THAT'S MY FAVORITE.

THAT'S MY FAVORITE JOKE TONIGHT.

"GAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH."

A HUNTING ORGANIZATION HAS JUST ANNOUNCED THEY WILL BE

AUCTIONING OFF A DREAM HUNT WITH DONALD TRUMP JR.

WOW.

I MEAN, SHOULD THAT EVEN BE LEGAL?

I MEAN, HE'S THE PRESIDENT'S SON.

OH, YEAH, SURE, OKAY-- THAT'S DIFFERENT.

HUNT WITH, HUNT WITH?

MAKES MUCH MORE SENSE.

THE OTHER THING WAS WRONG!

WRONG!

>> Jon: IT'S NOT HIM.

>> Stephen: NOT GOOD!

TURNS OUT, WHAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY BIDDING ON IS AN ALASKA YACHT-

BASED SITKA, BLACK-TAILED DEER HUNT WITH DONALD TRUMP JR.

THAT'S TOO MANY THINGS!

THAT'S TOO MANY THINGS IN ONE THING.

YOU GOTTA KEEP IT SIMPLE FOR DON JR.!

HE'D BE JUST AS HAPPY WHIPPIN' LIGHTBULBS AT AN OLD VAN IN THE

WOODS!

( AS DON JR. ) "ERIC, GO STAND BY THE VAN!"

"I DON'T WANT TO."

"STAND BY THE VAN, YOU BUTT-FACE!

COME ON, CATCH IT."

THERE IS ALSO A PERFORMANCE FROM THE BEACH BOYS.

I FOR ONE CANNOT WAIT TO HEAR DON JR. SINGING ALONG.

(SINGING "WOULDN'T IT BE NICE") ♪ WOULDN'T IT BE NICE TO KILL A

MAMMAL ♪ FROM THE COMFORT OF A FANCY

YACHT ♪ AND WOULDN'T IT BE NICE IF MY

DAD WOULD HUG ME ♪ I GUESS I'LL HUG THE DEER THAT

I JUST SHOT ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!

JAMES TAYLOR IS BACK!

SWEET BABY JAMES.

AND WHEN WE COME BACK, HOW ABOUT SOME "MEANWHILE!"

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME "MEANWHILE."