AND TAKE QUESTIONS FROM THE AUDIENCE.

AND IT'S SO TRUE WHAT THEY SAY: THERE ARE NO STUPID QUESTIONS.

THERE ARE ONLY MY STUPID ANSWERS.

AND WE RECORD ALL OF THAT AND SHOW THEM TO YOU.

JIM?

( APPLAUSE ) SIR, YOU'LL HAVE TO DO.

YES?

WHAT?

I HAVE DONE IT.

I HAVE GROWN A MUSTACHE AND A BEARD TWICE-- NOT LIKE THAT, NO.

NO.

( APPLAUSE ) I'VE GROWN A BEARD, THOUGH.

I'VE GROWN A BEARD.

I HAVE GROWN WHAT PEOPLE CALL THE COL-BEARD.

I DON'T DYE MY HAIR.

I'M ACTUALLY GRAY UP IN HERE, BUT MY BEARD COMES OUT SNOW

WHITE, AND IT REALLY MAKES IT LOOK LIKE I DYE MY HAIR, SO I

CAN'T DO IT.

OH, THAT HELPS.

( LAUGHTER ) I SAW YOU FIRST, YOUNG LADY.

YES?

ONE THING I LOVE ABOUT MY LIFE?

MY WIFE.

( APPLAUSE ) MY WIFE'S SISTER IS HERE

TONIGHT.

SHE'S GOING TO TELL MY WIFE I SAID THAT AND IT'S JUST ALL

GOING TO BE SMOOCHES WHEN I GET HOME.

LET ME CHECK.

LET ME CHECK.

YEAH, BUT HE'S NAKED.

SO I CAN'T ASK HIM TO COME OUT.

YES, SIR, IN THE PLAID.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: DID YOU REALLY?

DID YOU REALLY?

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

>> Audience: STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

>> Stephen: NO, I'VE NEVER DONE THAT.

ARE THERE ANY OTHER QUESTIONS?

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

YES, SIR?

DO I LOVE POETRY-- DO I LIKE POETRY?

I DO LIKE POETRY, YES.

I'LL TELL YOU THE FIRST POEM I SENT TO MY WIFE WHEN WE WERE

FIRST DATING.

I WANTED HER TO KNOW THAT I LIKED HER, AND I DIDN'T KNOW HOW

TO TELL HER THEY LIKED HER, THEY FOUND HER ATTRACTIVE, AND WE HAD

BEEN TALKING THE FIRST TIME WE EVER MET ABOUT E.E. CUMMINGS.

AND I SENT HER THIS THING.

I SAID, "REALLY LIKE CUMMING'S POEM" MR. YOUS "P" AND THE POEM

GOES, MR. YOUS NEEDN'T BE SO SPRY, EACH TO HIS TASTE, BUT AS

FOR I, I LIKES A CERTAIN PARTY.

I'LL TAKE THE HE-MAN SOLID BLISS FOR YOUS IDEAS I'LL MATCH YOUS.

A PRETTY GIRL WHO NAKED IS WILL MATCH A MILLION STATUES.

( APPLAUSE ) IT'S A GOOD ONE.

IT'S A GOOD ONE.

AND WE'RE MARRIED AND WE HAVE KIDS AND EVERYTHING'S GREAT.

AND I FOUND OUT AFTER WE WERE MARRIED, SHE NEVER LOOKED IT UP.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

YES, MA'AM, RIGHT OVER THERE.

>> Stephen: OH, MAHALO.

MAHALO, MY FRIEND.

I HAVE BEEN TO HAWAII ONCE.

I WENT THERE ON MY HONEYMOON, ACTUALLY.

IT WAS REALLY QUITE LOVELY.

I HAD A GREAT TIME.

( LAUGHTER ) WELL, WE DIDN'T FILM IT,

ACTUALLY.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

THAT I KNOW OF.

HOW ABOUT THE YOUNG LADY RIGHT THERE IN THE SECOND ROW?

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID, I WANTED TO BE A MARINE BIOLOGIST.

I WANTED TO BE JACQUES COUSTEAU, MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE.

>> AND STOPPED WANT AGO I DIDN'T STOP WANTING TO BUT I GAVE UP ON

THAT WHEN I LOST MY EARDRUM IN THIS EAR BECAUSE I'M NOT

WATERPROOF.

SO I GAVE UP ON THAT.

AND I SAID, "I GUESS I'LL GO INTO IMPROV COMEDY AND HOST 'THE

LATE SHOW'."

( APPLAUSE ) YES, SIR.

( LAUGHTER ) I THINK JON.

I THINK JON.

HE'S THE SMARTEST GUY I KNOW.

WOULD I BE ON HIS TICKET AS VICE PRESIDENT?

( BLEEP ) THAT.

I'M A STAR.

( LAUGHTER ) YES, MA'AM, DOWN THERE, YEAH.

IT DONALD TRUMP WANTED TO BE ON THE SHOW?

HOW WOULD I WANT TO INTERVIEW HIM?

BEHIND BARS!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT

BACK.