>> ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT THE IMPENDING TOILET PAPER SHORTAGE?

WHY BE AFRAID WHEN YOU CAN BE BIDETTED?

THAT'S RIGHT.

THERE'S NEVER BEEN A BETTER TIME TO HOSE DOWN WHERE THE SUN DON'T

SHINE, SO ORDER FROM TED BIDET'S BUDGET BIDETS TODAY.

THE SQUIRT GUN, THE BROKEN HYDRANT, THE MOBY DICK, THE

BELARGEIO FOUNTAIN, THE LAWN SPRINKLER, AND WITH OUR OPTIONAL

HOT WATER ATTACHMENT, OLD FAITHFUL.

YOU'LL HAVE A BUTT CLEAN ENOUGH TO EAT OFF OF.

SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE T.P.

SHORTAGE, COME TO TED BIDET'S BUDGET BIDETS' AND GET THE WATER

UP YOUR SQUATTER.

SQUATTER.

>> STEPHEN WELCOMES JOHN OLIVER, AND MUSICAL GUEST, ALEX EBERT.

WITH JON BATISTE AND STAY HOMIN.

AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM A SAFE DISTANCE, IT'S STEPHEN

CLBERT!

>> Stephen: FIRE!

HELLO.

WELCOME TO DAY TWO OF MY SPECIAL QUARANTINE EDITION OF "THE LATE

SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT"."

OR AS WE'RE CALLING IT TONIGHT, "THE FLAME SHOW WITH STEPHEN

COLBURN."

AS YOU CAN SEE, I'VE MIGRATED FROM MY BATHTUB TO MY FIRE PIT.

WE'LL EVENTUALLY GO THROUGH ALL OF THE ELEMENTS.

FOR A LOT OF AMERICANS, TODAY IS PRIMARY DAY.

DESPITE THE VIRUS, AMERICANS ARE GOING OUT AND VOTING.

THIS IS STILL A DEMOCRACY.

THE ONLY CHANGE IS THIS YEAR: WE'LL BE AWARDING THE PRESIDENCY

TO THE PERSON WITH THE MOST TOILET PAPER.

PRIMARIES WERE SCHEDULED TODAY IN OHIO, ARIZONA, ILLINOIS, AND

FLORIDA.

THEY SHOULD BE FINE.

ARE THERE ANY OLD PEOPLE IN FLORIDA?

THERE'S NOBODY OVER THERE.

I FORGOT.

I'M ALONE.

YEAH, FLORIDA IS PROBABLY FINE.

NOW, IT'S DISAPPOINTING FOR ME, BECAUSE BEFORE THE CORONAVIRUS

HIT, WE PLANNED TO DO A SPECIAL SHOW OF WALL-TO-WALL PRIMARY

COVERAGE CALLED "THE LATE SHOW'S HAND-HOLDING, FACE-TOUCHING

SUPER SMOOCHDAY PRIMARY.

WE WILL LIVE FOREVER!" TODAY, ONE OF THOSE FOUR STATES,

OHIO, CANCELED THEIR ELECTION JUST HOURS BEFORE POLLS WERE SET

TO OPEN, THEN ANNOUNCED THE PRIMARY WAS POSSIBLY POSTPONED

TO JUNE 2.

REALLY, "POSSIBLY"?

I WANT MY ELECTIONS TO HAVE A MORE DEFINITE PLAN THAN

MEETING MY FRIENDS FOR BRUNCH.

LOOK, I UNDERSTAND POSTPONING ELECTIONS RIGHT NOW.

IT PROTECTS VOTERS AND POLL WORKERS.

BUT WE'VE GOTTA BE CAREFUL, BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN SOCIAL

DISTANCING FROM AMERICAN DEMOCRACY FOR YEARS.

SOMEONE SHOULD REALLY CHECK ON HER.

SHE'S 244 YEARS OLD.

THIS IS A FIRE POKER, BY THE WAY, YOU CAN BLOW THROUGH.

A LOT OF STUFF IS CLOSING.

FOR INSTANCE "THE MET GALA HAS BEEN POSTPONED INDEFINITELY."

I KNOW FOR ORDINARY AMERICANS, THIS MUST COME AS QUITE A BLOW.

EVERY YEAR, THE MET GALA IS FASHION'S BIGGEST AND FIERCEST

NIGHT.

LAST YEAR JARED LETO WORE, AS A CASUAL ACCESSORY, WORE HIS OWN

HEAD.

THEY HAD TO CANCEL THIS YEAR BECAUSE THEY WERE AFRAID HE'D

TOUCH BOTH HIS FACES.

BUT JUST BECAUSE THE MET GALA HAS BEEN CANCELLED, THAT DOESN'T

MEAN THAT CELEBRITIES HAVE CUT DOWN ON THE GLAM.

ONE OF FASHION'S MOST DARING TASTEMAKER'S IS BILLY PORTER.

LAST YEAR, HE WAS CARRIED INTO THE GALA ON A LITTER OF GOLD.

SEE, BILLY IS READY FOR THE VIRUS.

HIS SHIRTLESS MEN ALL WORE MASKS.

KATY PERRY IS NOT GOING THIS YEAR, OF COURSE.

SHE IS HOME, REPEATING HER OUTFIT FROM LAST YEAR.

SHE IS STILL DRESSED AS A HAMBURGER.

BUT THIS YEAR, THAT'S ACTUAL MEAT SHE'S HOARDING.

AND TO KEEP UP WITH THE THEME THIS YEAR,

LADY GAGA IS HOME DRESSED AS A 32-PACK OF CHARMIN.

ENJOY THE GAGA.

AMIDST ALL OF THIS, AMERICANS ARE DESPERATELY LOOKING FOR

THOUGHTFUL LEADERSHIP.

OR DONALD TRUMP.

THIS MORNING, THE PRESIDENT TWEETED A CALL FOR UNITY AND

COOPERATION.

( AS TRUMP ) "FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IS WORKING

VERY WELL WITH THE GOVERNORS AND STATE OFFICIALS.

GOOD THINGS WILL HAPPEN!

SORRY.

THE FIRE TURNED ON ME IN THE MIDDLE OF THAT ONE.

GOOD THINGS WILL HAPPEN!

#KillTheVirus."

OKAY, I GET THE IDEA OF WHAT HE'S SAYING.

BUT IT'S, YOU KNOW, NOT THE MOST COMFORTING WHEN PLEASANT WORDS

LIKE "GOOD THINGS WILL HAPPEN" ARE FOLLOWED BY "KILL IT."

"HAVE A BEAUTIFUL WEDDING!

BUT FIRST, LETS THROW ROCKS AT THE OLD BOYFRIEND!"

AFTER BRAGGING ABOUT WORKING SO WELL WITH STATE LEADERS, TRUMP

IMMEDIATELY HAD HARSH WORDS FOR NEW YORK GOVERNOR

ANDREW CUOMO.

"CUOMO WANTS 'ALL THE STATES TO BE TREATED THE

SAME.' BUT ALL STATES AREN'T THE SAME.

SOME ARE BEING HIT HARD BY THE CHINESE VIRUS.

SOME ARE BEING HIT PRACTICALLY NOT AT ALL.

NEW YORK IS A VERY BIG 'HOTSPOT,' WEST VIRGINIA HAS,

THUS FAR, ZERO CASES."

YEAH, NEW YORK!

WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER, WEST VIRGINIA?

HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY CORONAVIRUS.

AND I HEAR YOUR SISTER RHODE ISLAND IS DATING A DOCTOR.

YOU ARE SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT.

CLEARLY, THIS VIRUS IS A P.R.

DISASTER FOR DONALD TRUMP, BUT AT TODAY'S CORONAVIRUS PRESS

CONFERENCE, STEVE MNUCHIN HAD A SOLUTION: FREE MONEY!

>> WE ARE LOOKING AT SENDING CHECKS TO AMERICANS

IMMEDIATELY.

AMERICANS NEED CASH NOW, AND THE PRESIDENT WANTS TO GET CASH TO

THEM NOW.

AND I MEAN NOW, IN THE NEXT TWO WEEKS.

>> Stephen: CASH FOR AMERICANS.

AND BECAUSE IT'S TRUMP, I'M GUESSING IT'LL BE $130,000 FOR

EVERYONE TO JUST SAY THEY'RE HEALTHY.

NOW, AT THE PRESS CONFERENCE, PRESIDENT TRUMP TRIED TO FOCUS

ON OUR BRIGHT FUTURE.

>> ONE DAY, WE'LL BE STANDING, POSSIBLY UP HERE, AND SAY

"WELL, WE WON."

AND WE'RE GONNA SAY THAT.

SURE AS YOU'RE SITTING THERE, WE'RE GOING TO SAY THAT, AND

WE'RE GOING TO WIN.

AND I THINK WE'RE GOING TO WIN FASTER THAN PEOPLE THINK.

I HOPE.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, WHEN TRUMP SAID WE WERE GOING TO BE "SICK

OF WINNING," I DIDN'T KNOW HE MEANT THAT LITERALLY.

TRUMP THEN FOCUSED ON WHAT TO HIM IS THE MOST IMPORTANT SECTOR

OF THE ECONOMY: >> I SPOKE WITH EXECUTIVES FROM

AMERICA'S FAST FOOD INDUSTRY-- WENDY'S, McDONALD'S-- ALL OF THE

BIG ONES-- BURGER KING.

AND THEY WERE GREAT.

THEY'VE BEEN FANTASTIC.

THEY'VE BEEN ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC.

>> Stephen: TRUMP KNOWS FAST FOOD IS CRUCIAL DURING A

PANDEMIC.

THAT'S WHY HE STARTED HOARDING IT A YEAR AGO.

NOW, WE'VE ALL BEEN CALLING IT "CORONAVIRUS," OR "COVID-19."

BUT TRUMP'S BEEN TOOTING HIS DOG WHISTLE PRETTY HARD BY

CALLING IT "CHINESE VIRUS." AND HE DEFENDED

IT AT TODAY'S PRESS CONFERENCE: >> Reporter: CHINA AND OTHERS

HAVE CRITICIZED YOU FOR USING THE PHRASE "CHINESE VIRUS"?

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?

ARE YOU GOING TO CONTINUE USING THAT PHRASE?

>> I HAVE TO CALL IT WHERE IT CAME FROM.

IT DID COME FROM CHINA, SO I THINK IT'S A VERY ACCURATE.

>> Stephen: NO, IT'S NOT.

IT'S A VERY RACIST TERM.

IF YOU CARE SO MUCH ABOUT NAMING THINGS WHERE THEY CAME FROM,

THEN CALL IT "BAT BITE FEVER," WHICH WAS ALSO THE TITLE OF THE

SHORT-LIVED OZZY OSBOURNE MUSICAL.

SADLY, IT WAS CANCELED OPENING NIGHT, DURING INTERMISSION.

TOO MANY BAT BITES.

FOR WEEKS NOW, TRUMP'S BEEN ACTING LIKE CORONAVIRUS IS NO

BIG DEAL.

EVEN AS CASES MOUNTED, HE SAID IT WAS UNDER CONTROL.

HE TOLD US TO RELAX.

HE SAID WARNINGS ABOUT IT WERE A DEMOCRATIC HOAX.

HE SAID THE INFECTION RATE WOULD GO TO ZERO.

HE SAID IT WOULD MIRACULOUSLY GO AWAY ON ITS OWN.

NOW THAT THINGS ARE UNDENIABLY BAD, HE HAS A NEW STRATEGY, AND

IT'S HIS SAME OLD STRATEGY.

>> I FELT IT WAS A PANDEMIC LONG BEFORE IT WAS CALLED A

PANDEMIC.

ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS LOOK AT OTHER COUNTRIES.

I'VE ALWAYS VIEWED IT AS VERY SERIOUS.

THERE WAS NO DIFFERENCE YESTERDAY FROM DAYS BEFORE.

>> Stephen: NO!

BAD TRUMP!

YOU DON'T GET TO DO THAT!

EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER SAID IS ON CAMERA OR ON TWITTER.

YOU CAN'T GASLIGHT US.

THAT WOULD BE LIKE ME SAYING I DIDN'T DO A SHOW FROM MY BATHTUB

YESTERDAY.

WE ALL KNOW I DID.

I RECORDED IT.

WAS IT A GOOD IDEA TO WEAR EAR PODS IN A BUBBLE BATH?

I WILL LET HISTORY BE MY JUDGE-- AND THE APPLE GENIUS BAR.

THEY DIDN'T GET WET.

AND AMERICA KNOWS HE'S FULL OF IT.

ACCORDING TO A NEW POLL, ONLY 37% OF AMERICANS TRUST IN WHAT

THEY'RE HEARING FROM THE PRESIDENT.

THIS IS THE PROBLEM WITH HAVING A LEADER WHO NEVER TELLS THE

TRUTH.

AT A TIME WHEN AMERICANS ARE DESPERATE FOR ANSWERS, A TIME

WHEN ACTUAL LIVES ARE AT STAKE, WE CAN'T TRUST THE ONE PERSON

ELECTED TO LEAD US.

PEOPLE KEEP SAYING WE NEED TO BE ON A WAR FOOTING.

BUT WE GOT THROUGH WORLD WAR II BECAUSE F.D.R. DID NOT KICK

THINGS OFF LIKE THIS: >> DECEMBER 7, 1941, A DAY

LIKE ANY OTHER DAY.

SURE, SOME STUFF HAPPENED IN PEARL HARBOR, BUT RELAX.

YOU KNOW WHO DIDN'T GET BOMBED AT ALL?

WEST VIRGINIA!

BESIDES, THIS WHOLE JAPAN THING WILL JUST MIRACULOUSLY GO AWAY

BY ITSELF.

( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WITH EVERYTHING

SHUTTING DOWN AROUND THE GLOBE, PEOPLE ARE SPENDING MUCH

MORE TIME WITH THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS, WHICH MIGHT NOT BE

TOTALLY GOOD, BECAUSE THE CORONAVIRUS IS DRIVING DIVORCE

RATES UP IN CHINA.

SO IT'S LESS "TILL DEATH DO US PART" AND MORE "TILL THE TOILET

PAPER RUNS OUT."

SOME PEOPLE ARE PREDICTING A SIMILAR RISE IN DIVORCES HERE IN

THE UNITED STATES.

BUT ONE DIVORCE ATTORNEY SAYS IT COULD ACTUALLY HELP SPOUSES

BOND, SAYING THAT "IF A COUPLE IS ON LOCKDOWN, IT COULD

REANIMATE THEIR SEX LIFE."

"HEY, BABY, LET'S PRETEND I'M THE LAST MAN ON EARTH, AND

YOU'RE THE LAST WOMAN ON EARTH AAAAAND... OOP, GOOGLE ALERT.

WE ARE."

IN FACT, SOME PEOPLE ARE ASKING IF THESE CORONAVIRUS SHUTDOWNS

COULD LEAD TO A BABY BOOM.

YES, WHEN THIS IS ALL OVER, WE'LL HAVE LOTS OF KIDS RUNNING

AROUND, LIKE LITTLE COVIDA, HER BROTHER PURELL, AND HIS BEST

FRIEND TONY BEEFA-RONI.

BUT EVEN WITH ALL THE SHUTDOWNS, SOME FOLKS STILL AREN'T TAKING

THIS SERIOUSLY.

>> BY THE LOOKS OF IT, THIS LOOKS TO BE A PRETTY BUSY DAY

HERE AT THE BEACHES, A LOT OF PEOPLE HERE IN THE WATER.

>> WE'RE DEFINITELY STILL WORRIED ABOUT IT, BUT IT'S NOT

SOMETHING THAT WE'RE LETTING CONSUME OUR SPRING BREAK, I

GUESS.

>> Stephen: WOW!

I AM SHOCKED, SHOCKED I SAY!

THAT COLLEGE STUDENTS ON SPRING BREAK ARE EXERCISING BAD

JUDGEMENT!

I KNOW YOU KIDS ARE SICK OF OLD PEOPLE YELLING ADVICE AT YOU,

BUT I'M GOING TO YELL FROM AT LEAST SIX FEET AWAY.

I JUST GOT HIT IN THE EYE.

NO, I'M FINE EYE JUST-- THEY SAY WHEN YOU'RE DOING THIS YOU GET A

DRY COUGH.

THERE'S NO WAY I WILL KNOW IF I HAVE COVID-19 BECAUSE I HICKORY

SMOKED BY AVOLEOS TODAY.

THEY WON'T HAVE TO EMBALM ME, THAT'S FOR SURE, BECAUSE I'M AS

CURED AS A VIRGINIA HAM RIGHT NOW.

OKAY, LET'S GO BACK.

I KNOW YOU KIDS ARE SICK OF OLD PEOPLE YELLING ADVICE AT YOU,

BUT I'M GOING TO YELL FROM AT LEAST SIX FEET AWAY.

GO HOME!

STAY IN YOUR HOTEL!

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T LISTEN TO THIS GUY!

>> WE'RE NOT REAL WORRIED ABOUT IT BECAUSE WE'RE ON THE SAND,

AND IT'S AN OPEN AREA.