MATERIAL OF THE DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES TO CAREFULLY PLAN,

DESIGN, AND BUILD FOR YOU THE FIVE-STAR LUXURY HOTEL THAT IS

MY MONOLOGUE.

( LAUGHTER ) BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO LOAD UP

MY TRUCK WITH SOME RUSTY CORRUGATED TIN, OLD LOADING DOCK

PALETTES, AND A SACK OF MISMATCHED NAILS, THEN HEAD INTO

THE WOODS BEHIND THE AUTOZONE TO BUILD A RAMSHACKLE LONER CABIN,

AND I USE MY OWN BLOOD TO SCRAWL THE UNHINGED NEWS MANIFESTO THAT

IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"

♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

"MEANWHILE!" WILL ALWAYS BE WITH US.

IT WILL ALWAYS.

IT IS ETERNAL, YOUTHFUL!

( APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, THE ROCK AND ROLL

HALL OF FAME HAS ANNOUNCED ITS 2020 INDUCTEE CLASS.

DEPECHE MODE, THE DOOBIE BROTHERS, WHITNEY HOUSTON, NINE

INCH NAILS, THE NOTORIOUS B.I.G.

AND T-REX.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) CONGRATS TO ALL THE INDUCTEES.

ESPECIALLY T-REX.

IT'S REALLY HARD TO PLAY MOST INSTRUMENTS WITH THOSE TINY

ARMS.

MEANWHILE, "A 17-YEAR-OLD HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT DISCOVERED A RARE

NEW PLANET THREE DAYS INTO HIS NASA INTERNSHIP."

SO IF YOU THOUGHT COLLEGES WERE GOING TO BE IMPRESSED BY YOUR

SECOND-CHAIR BASSOON, THINK AGAIN, BRIAN.

STEP UP.

IT'S SUCH A BIG DEAL, THE TEEN EVEN GOT TO APPEAR ON "STRAHAN,

SARA AND KEKE."

>> WE WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU CONTINUE TO MAKE THESE

DISCOVERIES BECAUSE IT DOES GIVE US A BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF HOW

EVERYTHING WORKS, SO WE'VE GOT A GIFT CARD HERE FOR YOU FOR A

BRAND NEW TELESCOPE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THANK YOU.

>> STEPHEN: THAT'S A NICE GESTURE, BUT I MEAN, HE

DISCOVERED A PLANET "AT NASA."

( LAUGHTER ) I THINK HE'S ALL SET FOR

TELESCOPES.

IT'S LIKE PRESENTING THE WINNER OF THE TOUR DE FRANCE WITH A

TRICYCLE.

( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, "'JEOPARDY!' JUST

CROWNED ITS 'GREATEST OF ALL TIME'" AFTER KEN JENNINGS BEAT

OUT HIGHEST SINGLE-GAME EARNINGS RECORD HOLDER JAMES HOLZHAUER

AND HIGHEST ALL-TIME EARNINGS-HOLDER BRAD RUTTER IN

THE FOURTH MATCH OF "JEOPARDY!

GREATEST OF ALL TIME," LAST NIGHT.

AN AMAZING FEAT.

THOUGH THEY WENT TOO FAR IN ALLOWING JENNINGS TO DRINK FROM

THE SKULLS OF HIS DEFEATED RIVALS.

( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, IN REPTILE

PROMISCUITY NEWS, THIS PLAYBOY TORTOISE HAD SO MUCH SEX, HE

SAVED HIS ENTIRE SPECIES.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH, GET IT!

GIVES NEW MEANING TO THE PHRASE "COMING OUT OF YOUR SHELL."

( LAUGHTER ) WHEN THE TORTOISE STARTED, THERE

WERE JUST TWO MALES AND 12 FEMALES OF HIS SPECIES ALIVE ON

THE ISLAND.

BUT HE HAD SO MUCH SEX HE HELPED BOOST THE POPULATION TO OVER

2,000.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND NOW HE "IS RETIRING AS A

STUD AND IS BEING RETURNED TO THE WILD."

TO WHICH THE TORTOISE SAID "NO, WAIT, I CAN STAY!

YOU KNOW, FOR SCIENCE!" THIS NEXT STORY IS PART OF OUR

LONG-RUNNING SPACE SEGMENT, MOOOOOON NEWWWWWWWS!

( LAUGHTER ) MOONWHILE, "A BILLIONAIRE IS

SEARCHING FOR A GIRLFRIEND TO TAKE TO THE MOON."

SHE WOULD ACCOMPANY "JAPANESE BILLIONAIRE YUSAKU MAEZAWA, WHO

WOULD BE THE FIRST PRIVATE PASSENGER TO TAKE SPACEX'S "BIG

FALCON ROCKET" ON A TRIP AROUND THE MOON."

THIS GUY IS REALLY RAISING THE BAR IMPOSSIBLY HIGH FOR OTHER

BOYFRIENDS.

HE'S WHISKING HIS LADY OFF TO THE MOON.

MEANWHILE, JORDAN WON'T EVEN TAKE HIS GIRLFRIEND TO THE GOOD

RUBY TUESDAY.

( LAUGHTER ) TAKE HER TO THE ONE THAT'S NOT

ATTACHED TO THE MALL, JORDAN!

IF YOU HAVE TO ENTER THROUGH AN "H&M," IT'S NOT A DATE!

( LAUGHTER ) NOW, I KNOW THIS MOON DATE SEEMS

WEIRD, BUT SO DOES MAEZAWA'S REASON FOR DOING IT.

"I'M 44 NOW.

AS FEELINGS OF LONELINESS AND EMPTINESS SLOWLY BEGIN TO SURGE

UPON ME, THERE'S ONE THING THAT I THINK ABOUT..."

"THE ENDLESS VOID, THE RESTLESS NOTHING -- ANYWAY, YOU

SEE ANY GOOD MOVIES?" ( LAUGHTER )

MEANWHILE, THE 2020 OLYMPICS ARE ALMOST HERE, AND "TOKYO 2020 HAS

STYLED ITSELF AS THE MOST ECO-FRIENDLY GAMES EVER."

WHICH EXPLAINS THE ELIMINATION THIS YEAR OF THE SYNCHRONIZED

TIRE FIRE.

( LAUGHTER ) ORGANIZERS WILL AWARD MEDALS

MADE OUT OF RECYCLED PHONES, AND ATHLETES WILL USE BEDS MADE OF

CARDBOARD FRAMES.

BUT "THEY'VE BEEN ASSURED THE CARDBOARD BEDS WON'T COLLAPSE

DURING SEX," "AS LONG AS THEY STICK TO JUST TWO PEOPLE IN THE

BED."

( LAUGHTER ) WHAT?

COME ON!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PLEASE!

THESE ARE OLYMPIANS!

YOU CAN'T LIMIT THEM TO ONE PARTNER!

DO YOU REALLY THINK THEY SPEND YEARS HARDENING THEIR BODIES

INTO ELITE MACHINES THEN TRAVEL HALFWAY AROUND THE WORLD FOR

SOME TENDER MISSIONARY?

NO!

THEY WANT TO BONE THE ENTIRE BULGARIAN VOLLEYBALL TEAM!

FOR PETE'S SAKE, YOUR LOGO IS FIVE HOLES AND YOUR

MOTTO IS "FASTER, HIGHER, STRONGER!"

THAT'S BASICALLY INSTRUCTIONS!

SO YOU GET BACK IN THERE, YOU THROW TARPS DOWN ON ALL THE

FLOORS, COME UP WITH A SAFE WORD AND PRINT IT IN EVERY LANGUAGE

SO THOSE HEROES CAN MAKE THEIR COUNTRIES PROUD.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ANDREW YANG.

I NEED A NAP.