DO, YOU PROBABLY DO SINCE YOU'RE WATCHING NOW, THEN YOU KNOW I

SPEND A FAIR AMOUNT OF THE SHOW OVER THERE,

HAND-CRAFTING THE DAY'S NEWS INTO THE BALSA WOOD

HULL, TOOTHPICK MAST, AND THREAD-NEEDLE RIGS OF THE

BESPOKE SHIP-IN-A-BOTTLE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

BUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I LIKE TO SUCK DOWN A FEW FREEZE POPS,

SLATHER ON SOME ELMER'S, AND CONTAMINATE AN ESTUARY POND

WITH THE POPSICLE STICK RAFT OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:

♪ ♪

"MEANWHILE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

IT BRINGS HOPE TO A TROUBLED NATION.

THAT'S WHAT IT DOES.

"MEANWHILE!" IS A BEACON IN THE DARKNESS.

MEANWHILE -- A STUDY HAS REVEALED THAT

"TINDER, GRINDR, AND OTHER DATING APPS SHARE SENSITIVE

PERSONAL DATA WITH ADVERTISERS."

SO IF YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT YOUR DRY SPELL, DON'T WORRY-- THE

ENTIRE MARKETING DEPARTMENT AT T.G.I. FRIDAY'S KNOWS HOW HORNY

YOU ARE.

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

SIDE OF WINGS?

SOME WINGS, MAYBE?

MEANWHILE, "A KANSAS MAN HAS ASKED AN IOWA COURT TO GRANT HIS

MOTION FOR TRIAL BY COMBAT SO HE CAN MEET HIS EX-WIFE AND HER

ATTORNEY "ON THE FIELD OF BATTLE."

HUH.

I WONDER WHY IT'S HIS "EX" WIFE.

"WE JUST HAD DIFFERENT INTERESTS.

SHE LOVES TRAVEL, AND I'M INTO BLOODSPORT JUSTICE."

( LAUGHTER ) AND "HE ASKED THE COURT TO GIVE

HIM 12 WEEKS 'LEAD TIME' IN ORDER TO SOURCE OR FORGE KATANA

AND WAKIZASHI SWORDS."

( LAUGHTER ) WAIT, YOU THROW DOWN FOR TRIAL

BY COMBAT AND YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR SWORDS READY?

YOU CAN'T BUILD IN A WAITING PERIOD.

"HEY PAL, YOU WANT TO TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?

...IN 12 WEEKS.

I JUST NEED TO WORK OUT A BIT.

IT'S RIGHT AFTER THE HOLIDAYS.

I'M FEELING KIND OF BLOATED."

( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, A MICHIGAN TOWN HAS

BOUGHT A "NASAL RANGER" TO TRACK DOWN STINKY MARIJUANA PLANTS.

THERE IT IS, BEING USED IN THE FIELD.

"MY GOD, IT'S WORSE THAN WE THOUGHT.

EVERYONE IN TOWN MUST BE HIGH.

THEY'RE ALL LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY."

( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU'RE THINKING, "HOW DO I

GET ONE OF THOSE FOR MY FACE?" BRACE YOURSELF.

THE NASAL RANGER COSTS $3,400.

( AUDIENCE REACTS ) BUT THINK OF ALL THE MONEY

YOU'LL SAVE ON NEVER DATING.

( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, "A MAN IN

PHILADELPHIA ATE 500 CHEESESTEAKS IN 20 MONTHS."

WHEN ASKED WHY, HE SAID, "I WAS TRYING TO FIND WHAT TO DO WITH

THE SECOND HALF OF MY LIFE."

( LAUGHTER ) AND WHEN YOU EAT 500

CHEESESTEAKS, 20 MONTHS IS THE SECOND HALF OF YOUR LIFE.

( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, "A NEW STARTUP WANTS

TO PUT A TINY DISPLAY ON A CONTACT LENS," MAKING IT THE

"WORLD'S FIRST TRUE SMART CONTACT LENS."

PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO LOOKED AT GOOGLE GLASS AND SAID "YEAH,

IT'S DUMB, BUT I WISH IT COULD GIVE ME AN EYE INFECTION."

( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, SINGER "BILLIE EILISH

HAS CONFIRMED THAT SHE WILL BE PERFORMING THE THEME SONG FROM

THE UPCOMING JAMES BOND FILM."

IF YOU'RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH BILLIE EILISH-- I KNOW.

YOU'RE WATCHING MY SHOW.

( LAUGHTER ) CBS.

SO HERE'S A CLIP FROM HER HIT VIDEO, "BAD GUY."

WHITE SHIRT, NOW RED.

MY BLOODY NOSE.

SLEEPING YOU'RE ON YOUR TIPPY TOES.

CREEPING AROUND LIKE NO ONE KNOWS.

THINK YOU'RE SO I'M THE BAD GUY.

DUH.

♪ ♪

♪ >> Stephen: AM I SUPPOSED TO

DANCE OR PASS THIS VIDEO ALONG SO I DON'T DIE IN SEVEN DAYS?

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

DOESN'T SEEM HAPPY.

DOESN'T SEEM HAPPY.

NOW, IF BILLIE EILISH'S WHOLE VIBE SEEMS LIKE A WEIRD FIT FOR

"BOND," WE HAVE A SNEAK PREVIEW THAT SHOULD REASSURE YOU.

♪ ♪

( LAUGHTER ) JAMES BOND, YOU ARE A SUPERSPY

MOVIE.

IT'S CALLED NO TIME TO DIE.

WE GET JAMES BOND.

HE'S A BOND GUY.

DUH.

( GUNFIRE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> STEPHEN: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOSH GAD.