WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW"!

I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LAST NIGHT WAS THE OSCARS.

HOW DID YOU DO IN YOUR OSCAR POOL, JON?

>> Jon: I DIDN'T WIN MY OSCAR POOL.

>> Stephen: I THINK I WON MINE.

WE DON'T HAVE ALL THE VOTES IN YET.

I THINK I WON.

I TELL YOU HOW I CLINCHED IT.

I CLINCHED IT, THANKS TO "FORD VERSUS FERRARI"

FOR SOUND EDITING.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DADDY -- BOOM!

>> Jon: YEAH, SEE?

>> Stephen: DADDY KNOWS HIS DAD MOVIES.

( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS AN HISTORIC NIGHT.

BONG JOON HO'S "PARASITE" BECAME THE FIRST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

EVER TO WIN BEST PICTURE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) UNLESS YOU COUNT 2018'S "THE

SHAPE OF WATER," WHICH WAS FILMED IN THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE

OF FISH SEX.

( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )

NEVER ACTUALLY SAW IT.

I DON'T KNOW.

( LAUGHTER ) ANOTHER BIG WINNER WAS TAIKA

WAITITI, WHO BECAME THE FIRST PERSON OF INDIGENOUS DESCENT TO

WIN AN OSCAR FOR WRITING.

HE USED HIS PLATFORM TO HIGHLIGHT AN ISSUE THAT

AFFECTS US ALL: >> APPLE NEEDS TO FIX THOSE

KEYBOARDS.

THEY ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO WRITE ON.

THEY'VE GOTTEN WORSE.

IT MAKES ME WANT TO GO BACK TO P.C.'S.

>> Stephen: YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S RIGHT.

APPLE KEYBOARDS HAVE GONE DOWNHILL.

HERE'S HOW BAD TAIKA WAITITI'S KEYBOARD IS: WHEN HE STARTED HIS

CAREER, HIS NAME WAS TONY WILSON.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: I DON'T WANT IT NO

MORE!

GIVE ME ANOTHER KEYBOARD, SON!

>> Stephen: THE MES MEMORABLE SPEECH WAS

FROM BEST ACTOR WINNER AND NOTED VEGAN JOAQUIN PHOENIX, WHO SAID

THIS ABOUT WORKING IN MOVIES:

>> I THINK THE GREATEST GIFT THAT IT HAS GIVEN ME, AND MANY

OF US IN THIS ROOM, IS THE OPPORTUNITY TO USE OUR VOICE FOR

THE VOICELESS.

WHETHER WE'RE TALKING ABOUT GENDER INEQUALITY OR RACISM OR

QUEER RIGHTS OR INDIGENOUS RIGHTS OR ANIMAL RIGHTS.

>> STEPHEN: WELL SAID.

ANYTHING ELSE?

>> WE FEEL ENTITLED TO ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATE A COW.

( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: OKAY, JOAQUIN, THAT

SOUNDS HORRIBLE, BUT I NEVER WENT TO ANY OF HARVEY'S PARTIES

AND I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )

OKAY?

THAT'S NOT MY SCENE.

>> Jon: WOW.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU.

THE PERSON WHO STOLE THE SHOW WAS 18-YEAR-OLD GRAMMY-WINNER,

BILLIE EILISH.

THE CAMERA KEPT CUTTING TO HER IN THE AUDIENCE FOR REACTION

SHOTS TO WHATEVER THE OLDER PEOPLE WERE DOING.

LIKE HER REACTION TO A COMEDY BIT FROM KRISTEN WIIG AND MAYA

RUDOLPH: ♪ LADY IN RED ♪

>> Stephen: WOW!

OW!

OW!

>> Jon: THAT'S COLD.

>> STEPHEN: COME ON, BILLIE!

THEY'RE COMEDY GIANTS!

IF A COOL 18-YEAR-OLD DOESN'T KNOW WHO MAYA RUDOLPH AND

KRISTEN WIIG ARE, THEN-- OH.

( LAUGHTER ) BUT I'M ON TV EVERY NIGHT.

SURELY BILLIE EILISH KNOWS WHO I AM.

RIGHT, BILLIE?

( LAUGHTER ) WHY WOULD YOU EVEN COME TO MY

SHOW, THEN?

WHY STAND IN LINE?

WHY STAND IN LINE TO COME TO MY SHOW IF YOU CAN'T -- I DON'T --

MAKES NO SENSE.

ANYWAY, I'M A FAN.

I'M A FAN.

>> STEPHEN: THE OSCARS WEREN'T THE ONLY BIG RESULTS ANNOUNCED

OVER THE WEEKEND.

WE FINALLY HAVE THE RESULTS OF THE IOWA CAUCUS... KINDA.

THEY SAY THE WINNER WAS FORMER SOUTH BEND MAYOR PETE BUTTIGEIG,

BUT THERE ARE STILL SOME IRREGULARITIES BEING WORKED OUT.

SO IOWA DEMOCRATIC PARTY CHAIRMAN TROY PRICE CALLED A

PRESS CONFERENCE TO REASSURE EVERYBODY THAT THEY'VE GOT THIS.

>> IF THERE ARE MATHEMATICAL ROUNDING ERRORS, WHY CAN'T THOSE

BE ADJUSTED?

>> THESE SHEETS ARE SIGNED NOT ONLY BY THE PRECINCT CHAIR AND

PRECINT SECRETARY-- ( AUDIENCE REACTS )

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

>> STEPHEN: AFTER THAT, PRICE GOT HIS HEAD STUCK IN A FIVE

GALLON CAN OF VAN CAMP'S PORK AND BEANS AND THEN STUMBLED INTO

A WHEAT THRESHER.

( LAUGHTER ) NOW, IOWA IS A CAUCUS.

TOMORROW'S VOTE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE IS THE FIRST ACTUAL PRIMARY OF

THE 2020 ELECTION.

TO MAKE SURE THERE'S NOT A REPEAT OF IOWA, DEMOCRATS HAVE

HIRED A NEW ELECTION CONSULTANT TO TABULATE VOTES:

>> ONE, TWO, THREE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YEAH.

POPULAR.

VERY POPULAR.

BILLIE, DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT WAS?

( LAUGHTER ) I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE NEW

HAMPSHIRE NEW HAMP-ENINGS IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF:

♪ ♪

>> I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.

( HONKING ) >> A PROGRESSIVE AGENDA.

I THINK THEY WILL END UP BEING THE LOSERS

>> "FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: PEOPLE LOVE FURY

ROAD!

IT'S EXCITING, FURY ROAD!

BOOM!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: GET INTO IT!

>> Stephen: THE LATEST POLLS IN

NEW HAMPSHIRE ARE ALL OVER THE MAP.

MOST SHOW BERNIE SANDERS IN FIRST, FOLLOWED BY PETE

BUTTIGIEG.

THERE WAS ONE SURPRISING RESULT, A POLL THAT NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEMOCRATS WOULD PREFER AN EXTINCTION-CAUSING METEOR OVER

TRUMP REELECTION.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: OH!

>> Stephen: HEY, NEW HAMPSHIRE DEMOCRATS, YOU OKAY?

( LAUGHTER ) IT EXPLAINS WHY THEY'VE CHANGED

THEIR STATE MOTTO FROM "LIVE FREE OF DIE" TO "PLEASE LET US

DIE."

( LAUGHTER ) WITH THE POLLS RELATIVELY TIGHT,

THE CANDIDATES ARE GETTING NASTY WITH EACH OTHER, ESPECIALLY JOE

BIDEN AND PETE BUTTIGIEG, SEEN HERE COSPLAYING AS FATHER TIME

AND BABY NEW YEAR.

( LAUGHTER ) ON SATURDAY, BIDEN SAID THIS

ABOUT BUTTIGIEG: >> IS THIS A ACT OF DESPERATION

ON YOUR CAMPAIGN TO BE MAKING THIS ASSERTION RIGHT NOW ON

MAYOR BUTTIGIEG?

>> OH, COME ON, MAN, THIS GUY IS NOT A BARACK OBAMA.

>> STEPHEN: IS "BARACK OBAMA" THE ONLY MEASURE OF THINGS THAT

ARE GOOD?

(AS BIDEN) "OH MAN.

THIS TURKEY REUBEN IS A REAL BARACK OBAMA.

BUT WHEN I'M DONE, LET'S HIT THE ROAD.

BECAUSE THE BATHROOM HERE IS NO BARACK OBAMA."

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

BUT THE STRANGEST MOMENT IN BIDEN'S CAMPAIGN RESURRECTION

TOUR CAME ON SUNDAY, WHEN A VOTER ASKED HIM THIS:

>> HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THE PERFORMANCE IN IOWA AND WHY

SHOULD THE VOTERS BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN WIN THE NATIONAL

ELECTION?

>> THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.

NUMBER ONE -- IOWA WAS A DEMOCRATIC CAUCUS.

YOU EVER BEEN TO A CAUCUS?

>> YES.

>> NO, YOU HAVEN'T.

YOU'RE A LYING, DOG-FACED PONY SOLDIER.

( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> STEPHEN: WHAT'S GOING ON

INSIDE BIDEN'S HEAD WHEN HE COMES UP WITH THESE INSULTS?

(AS BIDEN) "HMMM.

LET'S SEE.

WHAT SHOULD I CALL HER?

DEVIOUS SQUIRREL-KNEED KANGAROO MAILMAN?

NO.

TRICKY CAT-FINGERED PANTHER CHEF?

NO.

LYING DOG FACED PONY SOLDIER?

GOOD ONE, JOE.

THAT INSULT WAS A REAL BARACK OBAMA."

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THIS WASN'T THE FIRST TIME BIDEN HAS USED

THIS WEIRD INSULT.

HE HAD TO EXPLAIN IT A COUPLE YEARS AGO AT A RALLY:

>> AS MY BROTHER WHO LOVES TO USE LINES FROM MOVIES, A JOHN

WAYNE MOVIE, THERE'S A LINE IN A MOVIE, A JOHN WAYNE MOVIE WHERE

AN INDIAN CHIEF TURNS TO JOHN WAYNE AND SAYS, "THIS IS A

LYING, DOG-FACED PONY SOLDIER."

>> STEPHEN: SEE?

THERE'S A PERFECTLY REASONABLE RAMBLING EXPLANATION: JOHN WAYNE

AND "INDIAN CHIEF."

THE ONLY PROBLEM YOU COULD POSSIBLY HAVE WITH HIS PLAYFUL

DOG-FACED PONY LANGUAGE, IS THAT JOHN WAYNE'S WESTERNS DON'T

INCLUDE THAT QUOTE.

( LAUGHTER ) DOESN'T MATTER.

DOESN'T MATTER, SIR.

IF SOMEONE CHALLENGES YOU OVER THIS QUOTE, JUST REMEMBER WHAT

BRANDO SAID IN "THE GODFATHER."

"I'M GONNA MAKE HIM AN OFFER WITH A BOX OF CHOCOLATES, YOU

DAMN DIRTY APE."

( LAUGHTER ) BILLIE, YOU EVER SEE THE

GODFATHER?

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

TAKE SOME WRAPPER OFF THIS.

THERE YOU GO.

SO YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH BEFORE YOU ATE THE HOAGIE!

YEAH.

( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, WE STILL HAVE A

PRESIDENT, SINCE TRUMP GOT ACQUITTED IN HIS IMPEACHMENT

TRIAL, AND NOW HE'S READY FOR REVENGE ON ANYONE HE BELIEVES

-- ( BOOING )

>> Stephen: SORRY -- TOO LATE!

( LAUGHTER ) HE'S READY FOR REVENGE ON ANYONE

HE BELIEVES WRONGED HIM.

I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT IN OUR NEW SEGMENT "THE TRUMP IRE

STRIKES BACK."

♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

ON FRIDAY, TRUMP PROVED THAT HE'S MORE SPITE THAN MAN WHEN HE

FIRED IMPEACHMENT WITNESSES GORDON SONDLAND AND ALEXANDER

VINDMAN IN A POST-ACQUITTAL PURGE.

YES, TRUMP HAS GONE FULL STRONGMAN.

HE'S MAKING A LIST OF ENEMIES AND CHANGED THE NAME OF HIS

RESORT TO "MAR-A-GULAGO."

( LAUGHTER ) THEN TRUMP PROVED THAT REVENGE

IS A DISH BEST SERVED STUPID, BECAUSE HE ALSO FIRED VINDMAN'S

TWIN BROTHER, AN ARMY LIEUTENANT COLONEL WHO WORKED AS A LAWYER

ON THE NATIONAL SECURITY COUNCIL STAFF.

(AS TRUMP) "IT'S ALWAYS BEEN MY FANTASY TO

FIRE TWINS... BUT THEN YOU GET --

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY FANTASIZES ABOUT FIRING TWINS, BUT THEN YOU

GET IN THERE AND THEY'RE JUST FIRING EACH OTHER.

THEN WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

SIT IN THE CORNER AND FURIOUSLY FIRE MYSELF?"

( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THAT IMAGE.

>> Jon: I DON'T WANT THAT.

>> Stephen: TRUMP ALSO FIRED AMBASSADOR TO

THE E.U. GORDON SONDLAND, DESPITE BEING ASKED NOT

TO BY A HANDFUL OF REPUBLICAN SENATORS.

HOW DUMB ARE THESE SENATORS?

YOU VOTED NOT TO DO THE ONE THING THAT COULD HAVE TAKEN HIM

DOWN!

THAT'S LIKE SAYING "NOW THAT WE'VE GOTTEN RID OF ALL OF THE

TOWN'S SILVER BULLETS, THAT WEREWOLF WILL REALLY LISTEN TO

US.

SIT, WEREWOLF, SIT.

AAAAAAAAH!" AAAAAAAAH!"

KILL ME!

KILL ME!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )

OKAY.

I'M OKAY.

IN TIMES LIKE THIS, SOME PEOPLE MIGHT GET DEPRESSED.

BUT NOT ME.

'CAUSE THIS WEEKEND, THERE WAS ONE BRIGHT ORANGE SPOT.

THIS ACTUAL PHOTO OF DONALD TRUMP'S FACE, SEEN HERE, I'M

GOING TO GUESS, AFTER BOBBING FOR FRENCH FRIES?

( LAUGHTER ) THE PHOTO SHOWS A CLEAR BORDER

BETWEEN TRUMP'S BRONZER AND THE STOLEN CADAVER SKIN THAT

ENSHROUDS THE REMAINDER OF HIS HEAD.

( LAUGHTER ) HE LOOKS LIKE HANNIBAL LECTER

WHEN HE STOLE A DIFFERENT PERSON'S FACE TO ESCAPE FROM

PRISON.

(AS LECTER) "HELLO, CLARISE.

I'M A VERY STABLE GENIUS."

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

BUT, HEY, I'M IN ENTERTAINMENT, I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO TAKE A

BAD HEAD SHOT.

MAYBE IT'S BETTER IN BLACK AND WHITE?

OH, GOD!

( LAUGHTER ) IT'S LIKE HE MOTOR BOATED A

FRESHLY PRINTED NEWSPAPER.

( LAUGHTER ) (AS TRUMP)

"COME HERE, MARMADUKE."

( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: WHOA.