字幕表 動画を再生する 英語字幕をプリント -Well, you guys, it was a beautiful day here in New York, with temperatures hitting 70 degrees. [ Cheers and applause ] -It was great. New Yorkers were outside lathering themselves with sunscreen and Purell. It was amazing. [ Light laughter ] But today was nice. But I can't wait for tomorrow when everyone shows up with a weird face-mask tan. [ Laughter ] That's right, these are fun times to do a show right now. They really are. Just so everyone knows, in the event someone in the audience lightly coughs, the emergency exits are here, here, and here. Thank you very much. [ Cheers and applause ] No problem. But I'm excited about this. Alex Rodriguez is my guest tonight! [ Cheers and applause ] A-Rod -- A-Rod is gonna preview the new baseball season, and it sounds like it's gonna be crazy. [ Audience "Whoos" ] Instead of signs, the Houston Astros are gonna steal other teams' Purell. That's what we're hearing. [ Laughter ] -Indeed. -Everyone is talking about the coronavirus, but health officials are telling everyone to stay calm. This weekend, the Surgeon General praised President Trump's response and even said that Trump is healthier than he is. [ Laughter ] Can we see the Surgeon General? [ Laughter ] Can we see Trump? [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] That looks like a personal trainer and his client who keeps canceling. [ Laughter ] I mean, it's just... "Can't make it. Sorry, can't make it today." [ Laughter ] "Very busy. Very busy." -"Gotta golf." -"I'm going through a tunnel, sorry." [ Laughter ] This weekend, Trump was asked if a final decision had been made about the docking of a cruise ship with positive coronavirus cases on board. Check out his response. -Docking to the ship. Has a decision been made? -Uh... That's a very good question. [ Laughter ] -Great. That's what we need in times of crisis -- a cliffhanger, you know? [ Laughter ] Looks like someone just asked him the ages of his kids. "Uh..." [ Laughter ] "18? 9? I don't..." [ Laughter ] "20?" Meanwhile, Senator Ted Cruz was exposed to the coronavirus and is now in self-quarantine. And once again, we've learned it's never good when the words "coronavirus" and "Cruz" are in the same sentence. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Never good. -Come on. -And now experts are warning people over 70 from traveling or gathering in large crowds. In other words, the 2020 presidential election is cancelled. I'm sorry. [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] They can't... [ Cheers and applause ] -On Sunday, Bernie Sanders said that he won't cancel rallies or other campaign events because of the coronavirus. Bernie was like, "If the bubonic plague didn't take me out, nothing will." [ Laughter and applause ] Bubonic plague? All right, let's change the subject to something more upbeat. Today, the stock market suffered its worse loss since 2008. [ Laughter ] That's right, the stock market dropped almost 2,000 points. It's times like these I wish Bloomberg was still in the race 'cause you know he would've taken out his wallet and said, "How much do you need?" [ Laughter ] But get this -- as the stock market tanked this morning, Trump tweeted, "Good for the consumer. Gasoline prices coming down." [ Light laughter ] That's like the Titanic sinking and the captain yelling, "Good news -- free deck chairs." [ Laughter ] "Take as much as you want. Don't worry about it. Free! Free! Take five. Sure. I don't care." [ Applause ] The primaries are still going, and Bernie Sanders has been criticizing Joe Biden for his ties to the corporate establishment. He may have a point, because a lot of big companies have been endorsing Biden, but they all had different reasons. For example, Chipotle said, "Just like our burritos, we like that he's great in the beginning and falls apart at the end." [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] Next up, Powerade said, "We're everyone's second choice, too. Don't worry about it." [ Laughter and applause ] "You don't have Gatorade?" And finally, TikTok said, "We're committed to endorsing the younger candidate." So there you go. [ Laughter and applause ] 77 years old. Well, this weekend, President Trump fired his third chief of staff Mick Mulvaney. Then he assigned him to a new job -- special envoy to Northern Ireland. [ Audience "Oohs" ] Seems like Trump's kind of punishing Mulvaney. Just look at some of the other jobs Trump thought about giving him. First, there was ambassador to North Korea. [ Laughter ] Next up, the activities director on a Princess cruise ship. [ Laughter ] Then, there was, Apple Store employee that exclusively handles customers 75 and up. [ Laughter and applause ] "This said my name." [ Laughter ] -"It's glad." -And finally, an Uber driver on St. Patrick's Day. -I mean, that's -- You don't want these things. These aren't very good gigs, no. [ Cheers and applause ] The news can sometimes be pretty heavy, so I thought maybe I'd take a second to focus in a poetic way on some of the news stories that you might have missed that are a big lighter. These are real news stories. You'll see what I mean. It's time for "In Lighter News." [ Cheers and applause ] ♪ In Lighter News ♪ -Roses are red. Violets grow wide. Drunk Uber rider taken for a $1,700 ride. [ Laughter and applause ] Roses are red. Violets go in a bonnet. Two men arrested for the possession of whale vomit. [ Laughter ] Roses are red. Violets have chemicals. We now know how millipedes have sex thanks to glowing genitals. [ Laughter and applause ] Roses are red. Violets are their neighbor. Newspaper prints extra pages for people to use as toilet paper. [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] ♪ In Lighter News ♪ - Real. Real news. Yeah. -[ Laughs ] -And, finally, check this out. Just in time for Easter, Crocs is teaming up with Peeps to offer a special shoe. Take a look at this. [ Audience "Oohs" ] [ Laughter ] -Wow. Peeps and Crocs. Just paint the word "moist" and you'd have a trifecta of things people hate. We have a great show.