字幕表 動画を再生する 英語字幕をプリント You may remember that Venezuela is a country in chaos right now. The economy has crashed, people can't afford food, and two men both claim to be the rightful leader-- President Nicolás Maduro and the head of the Venezuelan congress, Juan Guaidó. And over the weekend, there was an awkward moment when Guaidó showed up at the office and found that Maduro had changed the locks. WOMAN: There was chaos outside Venezuela's opposition-controlled National Assembly. Security forces blocked opposition leader Juan Guaidó from presiding over a special session of congress to elect a leader. At one point yesterday, Guaidó tried to climb a fence, but was prevented from entering. Guaidó has been recognized as Venezuela's head by more than 50 nations, including the U.S. Opposition leaders blamed President Nicolás Maduro for the move to try and oust Guaidó. Goddamn! What is going on in Venezuela? It's like Southern America Ninja Warrior. What is that? Politicians are trying to climb over the fence just to vote. That would never happen in America. Can you imagine Mitch McConnell climbing a fence to try to get into Congress? Although he probably wouldn't climb. He would just try and ooze through the bars. (laughter) He'd just be like, "Yeah, I'm-I'm mostly skin. Yeah. Mm. Yeah." Seriously, I'm very impressed by Guaidó, because there's no vote that would be important enough for me to try and jump a fence that had all of those sharp points on top of it. I'd be like, "Uh, is this a vote "to replace my testicles for free? Uh, then, no, I'm gonna wait outside." I bet there was one politician inside the building who was like, "I wonder which way Guaidó's gonna vote, "because right now, he seems to be on the fence! "Get it? Get it? Just me? Okay." (applause and cheering) All right, and finally... if you love chocolate, first of all, congratulations on being basic, and, second, prepare to pay up. The top two cocoa producers in the world-- this is front page news in the Wall Street Journal-- have decided to join forces and form a cocoa cartel. Ivory Coast and Ghana, combined, produce about two-thirds of the world's cocoa supply. MAN 2: Wow. MAN: And they are banding together to raise prices. So you can expect the cost of candy bars, ice cream and cake to go up about 16%. Premium cocoa prices are due to take effect in October. This is a super interesting story, 'cause on the one hand, you think of chocolate bars... -Yeah. -...and you think, like, Willy Wonka, -and, like, everyone's having fun. -Right. -Yes. -Nah. -And the golden ticket, yes. All right, this is big. Two of the world's biggest cocoa producers have teamed up to form the cocoa cartel, which also happens to be my stripper name. (laughter) Don't forget. Tickets are still available for the show at the Man Cave next Tuesday. The DJ doesn't come in that early, so I need you guys to hum Britney Spears while I dance. (laughter) But for real, but for real, it's a cocoa cartel. It's a real thing. Sounds like a lot of fun. 'Cause now I'm imagining, like, cocoa dealers opening briefcases of cocoa powder. Like, "This better be pure." And just like, "Mmm! Mr. Toblerone will be very pleased." (laughter) It's also funny how, when the news anchor said, "Most people think of chocolate, they think of Willy Wonka." Who? Who thinks that? 'Cause you realize Africa makes 75% of the world's cocoa, right? So if Charlie got a golden ticket in real life, they would ship him to Ghana to meet the real Willy Wonka. -Yeah, that's who that would be. -(applause) That would be the real Willy Wonka. (applause and cheering) That movie would be completely different if it was real life. Charlie would be there in the factory. Willy Wonka would be like, "Now, Charlie, look at me. "Look at me, Charlie. "You are the captain now, okay? "That fat German kid had to die, Charlie, "because you are the best. "So if anyone comes, you tell them you are running everything here, all right?"