字幕表 動画を再生する 英語字幕をプリント -Let's get to some news here. Today was Day 3 of President Trump's Senate impeachment trial, and House managers are still presenting opening arguments. Right now, even the creators of "Game of Thrones" are like, "This opening is way too long." [ Laughter ] That's right. Today was Day 3 of the trial, and Democrats have now spent over 16 hours arguing their case. The only other place you see 16 hours of arguing is between a couple at IKEA. [ Laughter ] "I'm not going to get that." "Honey, it's perfect. We got to get the Flugen. It matches with the Glugen." But today actually kicked off on a solid note. Both Democrats and Republicans gathered for a moment of silence to honor Mr. Peanut. -Aw. [ Laughter ] -Americans are really focused on the impeachment. I read that more than 11 million viewers have tuned in. Yeah, the ratings are huge. And Trump's torn. He doesn't know whether to worry about it or take credit for it. "I have the biggest impeachment ratings in history. Much -- Much bigger than Bill Clinton's ratings." Yesterday, people noticed massive bags of Mexican food were delivered to Congress, so I guess this is "nacho" average impeachment trial. [ Laughter ] -Ah. ♪♪ ♪♪ -Oh. Whew. Sorry about that. I heard that during the trial, Senators haven't been allowed to talk or use their phones, so they've actually been passing around notes. -Oh. -The notes are pretty interesting. Check it out. First, Chuck Schumer passed a note to Mike Lee that said, "Dude, I'm starving. What do you want to order for dinner tonight?" Then Mike Lee wrote, "OMG, read my mind. Domino's?" Then Roger Wicker wrote, "Nom, nom, nom. Order me a pasta primavera." Then Mike Lee wrote, "What the hell? Who goes to Domino's for the pasta?" [ Laughter ] Then Schumer wrote, "Yeah, that's like going to Burger King for the tacos." Then Wicker wrote, "BK has tacos? Can we order those?" [ Laughter ] Then Steve Daines wrote, "Hey guys, look. I drew one of those cool cartoon S's." Then Mike Lee said, "Shut up, Steve! We're trying to figure out dinner." Then Ted Cruz said, "How about we go healthy and order salads?" Then Schumer said, "Ugh, get out of our note, Ted. You're worse than Steve." [ Laughter ] Then Steve Daines said, "Yeah, Ted, you suck." It got heated. -Wow. -It got heated very fast. -That escalated. [ Cheers and applause ] -But Trump is keeping a really cool head. Yesterday, he broke his personal Twitter record by sending out 141 tweets in a single day. [ Audience murmurs ] Halfway through, even Siri was like -- -Dude, are you okay? -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -And this is going viral. At an event earlier today, Prince Charles was greeting world leaders, and he seemed to skip over Mike Pence. Take a look at this. [ Indistinct conversations, camera shutters clicking ] [ Audience groans ] -Later on, when Charles' assistant told him that he skipped Pence, Charles said, "Oh, my God. Can you see him, too? I thought I was being -- [ Laughter ] I thought I was being haunted." Some 2020 news -- Mike Bloomberg has opened up his campaign headquarters in Times Square. And he's already got 1,000 employees. And this is nice -- They're all Democrats who dropped out of the race. -Aww. -Yeah. I saw that Netflix now has more than 167 million viewers around the world. 167 million. It's even more interesting when you break that number down. For instance, out of the 167 million viewers, 8 million have their own Netflix stand-up specials. 20 million are trying to guess which one of their roommates is watching all of those serial killer documentaries. And two people are watching "The Crown" being like, "Glad we got out of that family." [ Laughter and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] This is interesting. Honda and GM just unveiled a new self-driving car that doesn't have a steering wheel or pedals. Yeah. There's no radio, either, because all you'll ever hear is yourself screaming. [ Laughter ] This is disturbing. There's a new app where people can find your name, occupation, interests, and stuff like that simply by taking your photo. It's pretty creepy. We actually tested the app on some people in the news, and it seems to work. For example, to Bernie Sanders, it said, name -- Bernie Sanders. Age -- 78. Interests -- Walking into McDonald's, taking a giant handful of napkins, and walking out. -Wow. [ Laughter ] -Next up, for Mike Pence, it said, name -- Mike Pence. Secret Service code name -- Mike Pence. Special talent -- Becomes invisible when Prince Charles is around. [ Laughter and applause ] And for Adam Schiff, it said, name -- Adam Bennett Schiff. Age -- 59. Spirit animal -- This. [ Laughter and applause ] Next up, for Pete Buttigieg, it said, name -- Peter Paul Montgomery Buttigieg. Occupation -- Mayor. Can often be seen using -- That one urinal that's lower than the others. [ Laughter ] Up next, for Chuck Schumer, it said, name -- Charles Schumer. Hometown -- Brooklyn, New York. Height -- 5'9". Height between eyes and glasses -- 6'3". [ Laughter and applause ] -How low? -Then for Elizabeth Warren, it said, name -- Elizabeth Ann Warren. Gender -- Female. Fashion inspiration -- The Church Lady. [ Laughter and applause ] Next up, and this makes sense, for 2020 candidate Tom Steyer, it said, "Sorry, no information found." [ Audience aws ] No one knows who he is. [ Laughter ] And finally, for Mitch McConnell, it said, name -- Addison Mitchell McConnell. Occupation -- Senator. Favorite pickup line -- "I'm like a tortoise in the streets but a hare in the sheets." Pretty interesting. -Wow. -Hare -- -From an app? -Yeah, I don't know, man. -All from an app. -Yeah. -Wow. -Some local news, guys, I heard that the head of the New York City Subway is leaving his job. He gave a very heartfelt speech to his employees. He was like... [ Imitating indistinct P.A. announcement ] [ Laughter ] This is cool. Two strangers, one in New Zealand and one in Spain, placed slices of bread on opposite sides of the Earth's surface to create an Earth sandwich. Then their parents were like, "So, no news on the job hunt, then?" [ Laughter ] And finally, this is crazy, a man in Delaware accidentally bought two of the same Powerball tickets then won $50,000 twice. -Ooh. -Or as he told his wife, "Honey, I won the lottery one time." We have a great show.