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  • WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • THE BIG STORY-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • I'M GLAD TO HEAR THESE PEOPLE ALL SOUND HEALTHY AND HAPPY,

  • BECAUSE THE BIG STORY CONTINUES TO BE THE LOOMING THREAT OF THE

  • CORONAVIRUS.

  • FOR LENT, I AM GIVING UP LICKING DOORKNOBS.

  • NOW, CONCERNS OF A GLOBAL PANDEMIC ARE GROWING, BUT FEAR

  • NOT-- THE PRESIDENT KNOWS HE HAS A SOLEMN DUTY TO PROTECT

  • HIMSELF, BECAUSE THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IS AFRAID THAT THE

  • CORONAVIRUS WILL HURT HIS RE-ELECTION BID.

  • I LOOK FORWARD TO THAT TRANSCRIPT BEING RELEASED.

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "HELLO, UKRAINE?

  • I NEED INFORMATION ON A 'HUNTER' CORONAVIRUS."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) SO YESTERDAY, TRUMP TRIED TO

  • REASSURE US.

  • >> THERE'S A VERY GOOD CHANCE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DIE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ).

  • >> Stephen: OH, REALLY?

  • REALLY?

  • >> Jon: YE, REALLY NICE.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S VERY COMFORTING.

  • THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

  • ( AS PILOT ) "AH, THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN

  • SPEAKING.

  • WE ARE BEGINNING OUR FINAL DESCENT INTO CHICAGO'S

  • O'HARE AIRPORT.

  • PUT YOUR TRAY TABLES UP, BECAUSE WE'VE GOT A SOLID CHANCE OF

  • LANDING THIS SUCKER.

  • I SAY, ODDS ARE 60-40 WE WALK AWAY FROM THIS."

  • TRUMP KNOWS WHO'S TO BLAME FOR WHAT HE SEES AS UNNECESSARY

  • PANIC: "LOW RATINGS FAKE NEWS MSDNC, COMCAST, AND CNN ARE

  • DOING EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO MAKE THE CARE-ONAVIRUS LOOK AS

  • BAD AS POSSIBLE."

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "THE CARE-ONAVIRUS IS TOTALLY

  • CONTAINED.

  • IT WILL NOT BECOME A PAM-DAME-IC, LIKE SMALL PAX, THE

  • SWANE FLU, OR SEARS."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, WHY IS HE BLAMING THE MEDIA

  • FOR A DISEASE?

  • WELL, HERE'S THE THING, THE STOCK MARKET FELL ALMOST 2,000

  • POINTS IN TWO DAYS AND WAS DOWN AGAIN TODAY.

  • SO TO QUELL THE PANIC ON THE STREET, TRUMP DISPATCHED WHITE

  • HOUSE ECONOMIC ADVISER AND-- OH, MY GOD.

  • HE'S GOT THE VIRUS!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I'M SORRY, THAT'S JUST WHAT HE

  • LOOKS LIKE.

  • LARRY KUDLOW.

  • KUDLOW WENT ON THE TV YESTERDAY AND HE SAID THESE WORDS:

  • >> WE HAVE CONTAINED THIS.

  • WE HAVE CONTAINED THIS.

  • I WON'T SAY AIRTIGHT, BUT PRETTY CLOSE TO AIRTIGHT.

  • >> Stephen: OH, GOOD, OH, GOOD.

  • BECAUSE ALL YOU NEED TO PREVENT THE SPREAD OF A VIRUS IS "PRETTY

  • CLOSE TO AIRTIGHT."

  • I MEAN, WE ALL WATCHED "THE HOT ZONE":

  • >> HOLE! HOLE! HOLE!

  • IT'S STILL PRETTY CLOSE TOW AIRTIGHT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: ANOTHER I DON'T

  • KNOW HOW THAT SHOW ENDS.

  • ANOTHER TRUMP GUY TRYING TO PUT THE NATION AT EASE IS ACTING

  • HOMELAND SECURITY SECRETARY AND MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE HIS NAME IS

  • CHAD WOLF.

  • CHAD WOLF.

  • YESTERDAY, IN HIS SENATE TESTIMONY, THE WOLF GOT NEUTERED

  • BY REPUBLICAN JOHN KENNEDY ABOUT THE PERCENTAGE OF CORONAVIRUS

  • MORTALITY RATES.

  • >> IT'S BETWEEN WOEN.5 AND 2%.

  • >> OKAY, WHAT'S THE MORTALITY RATE FOR INFLUENZA OVER THE

  • LAST, SAY, TEN YEARS?

  • >> IT'S ALSO RIGHT AROUND THAT PERCENTAGE AS WELL.

  • I DON'T HAVE THAT OFFHAND, BUT IT'S AROUND 2% AS WELL.

  • >> YOU SURE OF THAT?

  • >> IT'S A LITTLE-- YES SIR.

  • >> Stephen: JUDGES?

  • ("PRICE IS RIGHT" LOSING TROMBONE SOUNDS)

  • CHAD, I'M SORRY.

  • THE MORTALITY RATE FOR THE FLU IS ACTUALLY AROUND 0.1%.

  • SO HE WAS ONLY OFF BY 2000%.

  • HE WOULD BE A TERRIBLE PHARMACIST.

  • ( AS PHARMACIST ) "OKAY, HERE'S YOUR PRESCRIPTION.

  • YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO TAKE 200 PILLS EVERY FOUR MINUTES WITH A

  • MEAL."

  • LOUVRE LAUGH NOW, FEAR OF THE VIRUS HAS LED

  • MANY TO WEAR MASKS IN THE UNITED STATES, AND THE C.D.C. HAS

  • RELEASED THIS ACTUAL GRAPHIC, DETAILING WHICH STYLES OF FACIAL

  • HAIR ARE BEST FOR WEARING RESPIRATOR MASKS AND WHICH ONES

  • DO NOT WORK.

  • OH, GOD, ALL OF BROOKLYN IS DEAD.

  • LOUVRE LAUGH THIGH WILL BE MISSED.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEY WILL BE MISSED.

  • OF COURSE, THE STYLE THAT GIVES THE MASK THE BEST SEAL IS

  • CLEAN-SHAVEN, BUT OTHER SAFE STYLES INCLUDE ZORRO, WALRUS,

  • AND, BEST OF ALL, SOUL PATCH.

  • SO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR CONTINUED HEALTH SMASH MOUTH!

  • SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME MY BEARD WAS GONNA SAVE ME

  • ♪ I'M PRETTY COOL THAT I'M NOT DEAD

  • NOTICE WE'RE ALL-- THAT'S ALL THERE IS, THAT'S ALL THERE IS OF

  • THAT SONG.

  • WE'RE ALL STILL RECOVERING FROM LAST NIGHT'S DEMOCRATIC DEBATE,

  • WHERE ALL THE CANDIDATES ADOPTED BERNIE'S PLAN OF YELLING ABOUT

  • BERNIE'S PLANS.

  • LOUVER LAUGH I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE

  • CAMPAIGN IN TONIGHT'S: >> I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.

  • >> I BEAT TRUMP.

  • >> THE BIGGEST MISCONCEPTION IS THAT I'M BORING.

  • >> WE'RE AT EACH OTHERS' THROATS.

  • >> MADE A LOT OF MONEY.

  • >> I'M GOING TO BEAT THIS MAN LIKE A DRUM.

  • >> BING-BING, BOANG-BONG.

  • >> "FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE, 2020."

  • >> Stephen: TODAY-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • PEOPLE LOVE-- PEOPLE LOVE "THE FURY ROAD."

  • TODAY, DONALD TRUMP JUMPED IN WITH HIS OWN REVIEW OF THE

  • DEBATE: "CRAZY, CHAOTIC DEMOCRAT DEBATE

  • LAST NIGHT.

  • FAKE NEWS SAID BIDEN DID WELL, EVEN THOUGH HE SAID HALF OF OUR

  • POPULATION WAS SHOT TO DEATH.

  • WOULD BE OVER FOR MOST.

  • MINI-MIKE WAS WEAK AND UNSTEADY, BUT HELPED GREATLY BY HIS

  • MANY COMMERCIALS, WHICH ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ALLOWED-- DOT,

  • DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT-- DURING A DEBATE.

  • POCAHONTAS WAS MEAN AND UNDISCIPLINED, MOSTLY AIMING AT

  • CRAZY BERNIE AND MINI-MIKE.

  • THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE HER, BUT I KNOW SHE IS A

  • "CHOCKER."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) "CHOKE.

  • >> Stephen: "CHOKER."

  • I THINK HE WAS TRYING TO SPELL "CHOKER" BUT FAILED TO PERFORM

  • THE CRUCIAL TASK AT THE KEY MOMENT WHEN EVERYTHING WAS ON

  • THE LINE.

  • NOW, ONE CANDIDATE WHO'S WORKING HARD-- TOOK A SECOND BUT THUMP.

  • ONE CANDIDATE WHO'S WORKING HARD TO RECAPTURE THE LEAD IS FORMER

  • VICE PRESIDENT AND MAN WHO BREAKS ALL THE HEARTS ON BINGO

  • NIGHT, JOE BIDEN.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) JOE HAS BEEN HITTING THE TRAIL

  • HARD IN RECENT WEEKS, AND HE'S BEEN REPEATING THIS STORY ABOUT

  • WHAT HAPPENED WHEN HE TRIED TO VISIT NELSON MANDELA IN PRISON.

  • >> I CAME BACK FROM SOUTH AFRICA TRYING TO SEE NELSON MANDELA AND

  • GETTING ARRESTED FOR TRYING TO SEE HIM ON ROBBIN'S ISLAND.

  • I HAD THE GREAT HONOR OF MEETING HIM.

  • I HAD THE GREAT HONOR OF BEING ARRESTED WITH OUR U.N.

  • AMBASSADOR TRYING TO GET TO SEE HIM IN ROBBINS ISLAND.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'SOON INCREDIBLY MOVING STORY.

  • THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD MAKE IT EVEN MORE MOVING IS IS IF IT

  • HAPPENED.

  • BECAUSE, TURNS OUT, HE WAS NOT ARRESTED.

  • IN FACT, HIS CAMPAIGN HAS ADMITTED THAT, NO, HE DID NOT

  • WHILE HE WAS A CONGRESSIONALLAL TRIP IN THE 1970s, BIDEN WAS

  • NOTE ARRESTED BUT HE WAS SEPARATED FROM HIS PARTY AT THE

  • AIRPORT.

  • NELSON MANDELA WAS IN PRISON FOR 27 YEARS BUT ONE TIME I LOST

  • SIGHT OF MY COWORKERS IN A DELTA TERMINAL.

  • WAIT, WHERE DID YOU GO?

  • THERE YOU ARE.

  • THERE YOU ARE.

  • WYATT, YOU'RE GONE NOW.

  • BARACK!

  • BARACK!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF DELUSIONAL, FORMER

  • NEW YORK MAYOR AND OLD MAN ASKING "NOW IS THIS THE WHIP OR

  • THE NAE NAE."

  • MICHAEL BLOOMBERG.

  • MAYOR BLOOMBERG HAS GOTTEN A LOT OF ATTENTION FOR OPENING A FIRE

  • HYDRANT OF MONEY TO SPREAD HIS CORE MESSAGE THAT HE HAS A FIRE

  • HYDRANT OF MONEY AND NOW HE'S TRYING TO PUSH THINGS EVEN

  • FURTHER BY CLAIMING HE TOOK ON A NEW CAMPAIGN ADVISER:

  • THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF E!

  • THAT'S RIGHT, HE'S GETTING ADVICE FROM THE FOLKS THAT

  • BROUGHT YOU THE KARDASHIANS.

  • SO GET READY TO SEE MIKE BLOOMBERG BREAK THE INTERNET.

  • HE LOOKS GOOD.

  • HE LOOKS REALLY GOOD.

  • APPARENTLY, THE PRIMARY TASK OF THIS NEW ADVISOR IS TO GET

  • LATE-NIGHT HOSTS TO WORK CAMPAIGN THEMES INTO THEIR

  • MONOLOGUES, CLAIMING, "IF YOU HEAR STEPHEN COLBERT MENTIONING

  • MIKE BLOOMBERG MORE OFTEN IN THE COMING WEEKS, IT MAY NOT BE BY

  • ACCIDENT."

  • I RESENT THAT ACCUSATION!

  • LOUVRE LAUGH ALL OF MY MONOLOGUE COMES

  • TOGETHER BY ACCIDENT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) JIM, SHOW HIM MY WRITERS' ROOM.

  • THAT'S MY HEAD WRITER.

  • THAT'S PICKLES.

  • THAT IS MY HEAD WRITER, PICKLES.

  • HE HAS BEEN WITH ME SINCE '57.

  • HE'S NOT TRYING TO BUY TIME IN LATE NIGHT.

  • HE WANTS TO DEVELOP UNPAID RELATIONSHIPS WITH LATE-NIGHT

  • TALK SHOW HOSTS.

  • WHICH I FIND EVEN MORE INSULTING.

  • AS A PRINCIPLED COMEDIAN, I WOULD NEVER SHAPE MY CONTENT

  • AROUND A PERSON OR A BRAND FOR FREE.

  • NO!

  • NO!

  • >> Jon: COME ON NOW.

  • >> Stephen: THAT WOULD BE A BETRAYAL OF ALL THE BRANDS WHO

  • PAY ME.

  • SO, MICHAEL BLOOMBERG, LISTEN HERE: IF YOU COME KNOCKING ON MY

  • DOOR, I WON'T ANSWER.

  • BUT I WILL KNOW YOU'RE THERE THANKS TO NEST DOORBELL FROM

  • GOOGLE.

  • WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

  • JASON SEGAL IS HERE.

  • BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I HAVE A MEAL WITH ELIZABETH WARREN.

  • STICK AROUND.

WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."

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B1 中級 新型コロナウイルス 新型肺炎 COVID-19

トランプ氏は、コロナウイルスの危機が彼の再選キャンペーンを台無しにすることを恐れている (Trump Fears The Coronavirus Crisis Will Spoil His Reelection Campaign)

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    林宜悉 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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