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  • (rock music )

  • - Testing, testing, diabetes is a mindset.

  • Test, one, two, one, two.

  • We good?

  • All right, what's up Chieng Gang,

  • it's your boy, Ronny Chieng here

  • with an episode of #Crushing, success podcast for winners.

  • Lots of people always ask me, hey Ronny,

  • how can we crush it as hard as you're crushing it?

  • Well the answer is, you can't.

  • Yo, I'm crushing it harder than science thought possible.

  • I've written 13 books, delivered 58 Ted Talks,

  • and I follow over 78,000 people on Twitter.

  • I post over 400 inspirational quotes on Instagram a day.

  • I'm a nonstop dynamo of epic winning.

  • I'm like Elon Musk without the weird anime fetish,

  • all right, fuck you, Elon.

  • - [Announcer] That's a Ronny bomb!

  • - But hey, if you listen to this P cast and follow my advice

  • maybe you too could ride this crush train to Crush Town.

  • The train conductor on that by the way, Jeremy Piven.

  • (train whistle blows)

  • All right, I'm ready to pound, let's get this show started.

  • (rock music)

  • - [Announcer] Success, money, Instagram.

  • AirPods, bacon.

  • - Woo!

  • Still buzzing, you guys,

  • I just gave the keynote address to a power thought summit.

  • Brought to you by Forbes and Lean Cuisine.

  • The title of my speech,

  • "How Every Entrepreneur Has to Try Huffing Spray Paint."

  • Check that out on YouTube or you can buy my new book,

  • "The Success Virus: How to Infect Yourself with Winning."

  • The book tour for that went viral, by the way.

  • Several attendees got legionnaires disease.

  • (rock music)

  • - [Men] Cleanse, cleanse, cleanse, cleanse, cleanse!

  • - Hell yeah!

  • You know what that means.

  • It's time for the Cleanse Report.

  • Right now I'm on a solid and liquids cleanse.

  • That means I'm not drinking

  • or eating solids or liquids for two weeks.

  • For breakfast I had some vape smoke and for lunch

  • I'm gonna suck the helium out of a balloon animal.

  • I gotta tell you guys,

  • ever since I started this cleanse

  • my energy is up, my blood pressure is down,

  • and my motor skills are shot.

  • (guitar riff)

  • If any of that sounds appealing to you

  • why don't you check out my website?

  • Ronnychieng.proteinpower

  • where I've got some exclusive recipes

  • and an interview with Ashton Kutcher.

  • (rock music) (engine roars)

  • - [Announcer] That's a Ronny Bomb!

  • - Let's crush an ad break right now.

  • And when we're back, we're gonna have my special guest,

  • The Daily Show's Roy Wood Jr.

  • And I'm gonna ask him

  • if he's ever snorted dog tranquilizers.

  • Woo! (gunfire)

  • (rock music)

  • Today's episode is brought to you by

  • Doctor Manhood's Tissues for Men.

  • Are you tired of girly tissues

  • that look like they were designed by Nancy Meyers,

  • director of "Something's Gotta Give" and "The Holidays",

  • whatever those are.

  • Then you need Doctor Manhood's Tissues for Men.

  • They're 100% testosterone fueled bad ass tissues

  • for jacked up bros. - For jacked up bros.

  • - Okay, they're just like regular tissues

  • except they come in a black box

  • with like flames on the side.

  • You wouldn't wear ladies clothes

  • or vote for a female politician,

  • then why are you blowing your nose

  • with a woman's Kleenex?

  • Doctor Manhood's Tissues for Men.

  • Don't blow your nose, bro your nose.

  • Today's episode of #Crushing is brought to you by

  • Ronny Chieng's Cursed Healing Crystals.

  • Listen, bros, these crystals will fucking change your life.

  • I recently mowed down a witch in my Tesla

  • and we went back to check for the body

  • All that was there was this burlap sack

  • filled with these crystals, okay,

  • and now I'm selling them to you.

  • For literally any amount of money.

  • Please, seriously, I just need to get these things

  • out of my house.

  • Okay, I tried to throw them in a river.

  • When I got back home there was just more of them.

  • What the fuck.

  • Ronny Chieng's Cursed Healing Crystals.

  • Oh god, they're glowing again.

  • All right, we're back

  • and we're joined by our legendary guest

  • from the Daily Show with Trevor Noah, he's a correspondent.

  • Looks like he could bench, I don't know, 230, 240?

  • Roy Wood Jr. is here!

  • - Thanks man, actually I can bench like 175 last I tried.

  • - Oh wow, that's weak.

  • - What's that smell?

  • - That's a deer carcass.

  • Hey, Roy, you are crushing.

  • - Thanks man, thanks, you're crushing it too, man.

  • - Yeah, I know, it's actually a problem

  • how hard I'm crushing it.

  • It's starting to affect the people around me

  • and the people I love.

  • Roy, let me ask you something.

  • You're a stand up comedian, right,

  • a lot of nights on the road.

  • How do you stay emotionally connected to your loved ones

  • while still maintaining focus in your career.

  • - The trick is to bring a piece of home with you.

  • - I'm just kidding, man, no one cares about that shit.

  • Roy, let me ask you something, you ever done DMT?

  • (gunfire)

  • - No.

  • - You ever inject horse platelets?

  • (guitar riff)

  • - I don't even know what that is.

  • - You ever free base the stuff inside of glow sticks?

  • (tiger roars)

  • - Who the hell does that, Ronny,

  • can I just talk about my Comedy Central shit?

  • Can I talk about the web series?

  • - Sure, sure, sure, Roy, let me ask you something.

  • You ever do LSD and have a threesome inside an aquarium?

  • (sirens wail) - You just got Chieng Banged!

  • - Can I just answer the travel question you asked?

  • The original question about travel.

  • - Yeah, do you mind if I do some kettle bell squats

  • while you talk?

  • - [Roy] Do whatever you need to do man,

  • I just wanna have a normal conversation.

  • - Thanks.

  • - So when I'm traveling Facetime is the way for me to go.

  • If I can Facetime with my child before bed time.

  • - Woo!

  • - 'Cause usually my first show at eight o'clock

  • is around the same time as my sons bed time.

  • - [Ronny] Four, five!

  • - So before I go on stage-- - Six!

  • - I make sure to Facetime with my child--

  • - You got this, Chieng!

  • Come on!

  • Come on, man!

  • - And so normally-- - pain is just weakness

  • leaving the body!

  • - When I'm offered a gig I have to look at

  • how many days is this gig gonna keep me away from my family.

  • And that's not what I used to do when I was a younger comic,

  • I would take any gig-- - Sure, sure, sure.

  • Hey, yo, I just did like 100 squat things by the way.

  • Not sure if you noticed me just ripping metal there,

  • it's a real lifestyle choice.

  • I gotta ask you, are you doing no pee November?

  • - No, what the hell is that?

  • - What the hell is that, what do you think it is, man?

  • It's where you don't pee for the entire month of November.

  • - Like, November was last year,

  • you haven't peed since November?

  • - November is a state of mind.

  • - So this is like no nut November

  • where you like don't masturbate or whatever.

  • - I guess it's like that because it involves the penis

  • but instead of sperm it's piss.

  • Okay, anyway, I watched your stand up special,

  • very funny stuff. - Thank you, man.

  • - I especially love the part

  • where you talk about the nutritional benefits of eating elk.

  • - I don't think I did that,

  • that was probably somebody else's special you were watching,

  • I did not talk about elk.

  • - You sure about that? - I'm very positive.

  • - Okay, maybe I'm confused

  • 'cause I watched the whole thing on 10x speed.

  • I finished it in like six minutes.

  • But anyways, since we're talkin' about elk,

  • you ever do an elk binge?

  • It's where you kill an elk

  • and you have to eat the whole thing in 72 hours,

  • including the bones, it's how the cavemen lived.

  • - Yeah, and cavemen also had a life expectancy of 17 years.

  • They died early, they didn't have Teslas and podcasts

  • and modern medicine, they didn't even speak English.

  • - That's a really good point.

  • - Why would you wanna live like a caveman?

  • - Elk meet is really lean and dense in nutrients.

  • - It's like I'm saying words

  • and you're not hearing those words.

  • - Ha ha, totally!

  • - [Roy] Different words come out of your mouth.

  • - That is so 90s, man.

  • - Okay, can I ask you a question?

  • - Of course, please. - Seriously,

  • what is all of this, why are you talking about

  • drinking glow sticks and eating eagle jerky and elk meat?

  • What happened to you?

  • - Wow, no one's ever asked me that before.

  • Actually, I don't even know if I can talk about this.

  • - Oh, it's fine man, we're friends, you share.

  • - Okay, well ever since I was a teenager

  • I knew I was different.

  • I was rebellious, fell into the wrong crowd,

  • got into fast cars, extreme sports, chesty women.

  • - Okay, but that's par for the course,

  • that's what young boys are into, women and.

  • - Right, but one day my life changed.

  • You see, the government needed my extreme sports expertise

  • to help infiltrate a Russian terrorist cell

  • in central Europe.

  • - Okay, hold up.

  • - Please, let me finish.

  • You see, the terrorist group known as Anarchy 99

  • had acquired a biochemical weapon

  • and the only way to disarm the missile

  • was to use my extreme sports capabilities

  • and racing cars through the streets of Prague.

  • - Okay, so Anarchy 99. - Yeah.

  • - And you're sure that's the name of the terrorist group?

  • - Yeah.

  • - No, Ronny, that's the plot to XXX.

  • The movie, Vin Diesel, he did all that shit,

  • you didn't do none of that.

  • - Yeah, yeah, they based that movie on me.

  • - You're full of shit.

  • - No man, I'm full of pee.

  • No pee November, remember?

  • - All right, this is gettin' weird, I'm gonna go, bro.

  • - Well the door's are locked from the outside

  • so good luck leaving.

  • This is Ronny Chieng with another episode of #Crushing,

  • a success podcast for winners.

  • - Can I at least plug my website real quick?

  • - Hope you found new ways

  • to hack your way through this jungle we call life.

  • Thanks to my guest, Ray Wood Sr.

  • - Did that deer just move?

  • - Uh, yeah, probably.

  • I gotta go do crossfit with the co-founder of WeWork,

  • we're best friends.

  • Until next time, keep crushing that shit