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  • A crazy story

  • out of Los Angeles, where a Delta Air Lines flight

  • had to make an emergency landing.

  • But it was the people on the ground

  • who were the most afraid.

  • We start with that breaking news from Los Angeles,

  • where dozens of children and adults

  • have received medical treatment

  • after the crew of a China-bound Delta Air Lines jet,

  • forced to return to LAX after losing an engine,

  • dumped fuel as it passed just a few thousand feet

  • above neighborhoods and schools.

  • NEWSMAN: The Boeing 777 with 164 people aboard

  • headed to Shanghai, China, was airborne only minutes

  • when it was forced to circle back.

  • Streams of fuel poured over three local schools,

  • where 44 children and adults

  • complained of skin irritation,

  • suffering from minor injuries.

  • Man, that must have been terrifying.

  • Los Angeles gets jet fuel

  • sprayed on them from above.

  • And worst of all, it's not even organic.

  • Yeah. This is also probably how God punishes you

  • for not nominating women directors, L.A.

  • That's what it is.

  • Now, fortunately,

  • no one in the schools was seriously hurt,

  • but I-I like to imagine that there was one rebel kid

  • sneaking out behind the school to smoke a cigarette. Yeah.

  • And his friend was like, "No, Mike, cigarettes are dangerous."

  • He's like, "Don't be such a bitch."

  • (imitates explosion)

  • (laughter)

  • Now, now, in case you're wondering why the schools,

  • in the pilot's defense, they had to dump the fuel

  • because the plane lost an engine

  • because it's a Boeing, so it makes sense.

  • But... But, like, did they have to dump it over the schools?

  • It almost feels personal, right? Like, three schools.

  • You know? It's almost like one of the pilots

  • went to those schools, and his copilot was like,

  • "Let's dump the fuel over this vacant lot."

  • He was like, "No, no, I got the perfect place.

  • Take that, Mr. Engelberg!"

  • All right, let's move on, though, to some legal news.

  • America has always had weird, old laws

  • that no one realizes are still in effect,

  • and one man who's getting divorced

  • is trying to take advantage of that.

  • A Kansas man has asked an Iowa court

  • to let him settle a dispute with his ex-wife

  • with a trial by combat.

  • The Des Moines Register reports

  • David Ostrom asked the Shelby County court

  • to give him 12 weeks lead time

  • in order to forge katana swords.

  • In those documents, Ostrom argues trial by combat

  • has not been explicitly banned

  • or restricted in the United States.

  • Trial by combat?

  • Wow. When this couple said, "Till death do us part,"

  • they meant it.

  • This would be like if Marriage Story

  • was directed by Quentin Tarantino.

  • And I honestly feel sorry for the wife,

  • because getting divorced is already hard enough.

  • You know, usually it's like, "Oh, my ex is so annoying.

  • He wants the kids this weekend, and we agreed..."

  • And now it's like, "Oh, my ex is so annoying.

  • "He won't stop texting me about how I only have

  • six more weeks to forge my own weapon."

  • And by the way, how crazy is it that people are like,

  • "Well, trial by combat was never explicitly banned,

  • so I guess it's still a thing?"

  • Like, how backlogged is America's legal system, right?

  • 'Cause this... this doesn't bode well

  • for something like reparations, you know?

  • 'Cause think about it. It's like, "Yeah, I'm sorry.

  • "Reparations are gonna take a while.

  • We're still trying to outlaw jousting."

  • I will say this, though. I will say this.

  • This is a great loophole if you just want to murder someone.

  • Yeah. Like, if someone at work

  • is stealing your lunch out of the fridge,

  • you can just run up to them like,

  • "Jerry, I challenge you to a duel."

  • "Huh?" (shouts)

  • And then everyone in the office has to be like,

  • "Goddamn, Jerry lost the shit out of that duel."

  • (laughter)

  • And finally, last night's Democratic debate

  • featured some fiery exchanges,

  • particularly between Bernie Sanders

  • and Elizabeth Warren.

  • But it turns out the real drama happened

  • after the main event was over.

  • Onetime allies Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren,

  • the two senators...

  • They're working through some issues.

  • They had this moment after the debate

  • where Senator Warren left Bernie Sanders hanging

  • as he tried to shake her hand.

  • That was followed by a brief but noticeably tense exchange.

  • (laughs): Tom Steyer there...

  • NEWSWOMAN: Caught in the middle.

  • NEWSMAN: Deciding, "I'm not gonna get in the middle

  • -of all this right now." -NEWSWOMAN: Well, too late.

  • Wow.

  • This beef between Bernie and Warren is really heating up.

  • And you know what that means.

  • Trial by combat!

  • That's how they do it in Iowa, baby!

  • And by the way,

  • how cute is Tom Steyer?

  • He's, like, oblivious to the whole tense situation.

  • He's just... He's so cheerful.

  • He's just like, "Wow, what a fun debate, guys.

  • "You guys thinking what I'm thinking?

  • "TGI Fridays?

  • "No, Bernie? Applebee's?

  • What do you want?"

  • Now, everyone has been trying to figure out

  • what Bernie and Elizabeth Warren were saying to each other.

  • And they don't want to tell anybody.

  • They haven't said anything to the press about this mini fight.

  • No one knows. Nobody knows what they said

  • except The Daily Show.

  • Because, you see, we have high-tech technology

  • that picked up their conversation.

  • Bernie, did you see the Oscar noms?

  • Little Women-- what a snub.

  • -What? -Greta Gerwig, best director.

  • Oh, if we're talking snubs, Adam Sandler

  • -in Uncut Gems was snubbed. -Uncut what?

  • They don't respect the Sandman.

  • -I saw Cats. -Scram, Moneybags.

  • Wow, that was intense.

A crazy story

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デルタのジェット燃料ダンプ、コンバットによる離婚裁判&エリザベス・ウォーレンの握手ディスり|ザ・デイリーショー (Delta’s Jet Fuel Dump, Divorce Trial by Combat & Elizabeth Warren’s Handshake Diss | The Daily Show)

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    林宜悉 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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