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Hello.
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I'm Greg Tuculescu.
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And today...
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[laughs]
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Today we're gonna talk about Vlad the Impaler.
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The real man behind...
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Dracula.
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So, it's 1447,
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and Vlad III from Wallachia
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is a political prisoner in the Ottoman Empire.
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And Vlad is like, I wanna go back to my dad.
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I'm a prince! I'm an heir to the throne!
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And Radu, Vlad's brother, is like,
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I kinda like it here.
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I really like the salt and sun and Memed II.
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And Memed's like, I like you too.
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And then, out of nowhere this boyar shows up.
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This nobleman.
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And he's breathless, and he's like, Vlad!
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I have bad news. Your father is dead.
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He's dead. He was killed by rival boyars.
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And Vlad is like,
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I'd like to avenge my father's death, please.
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Can you please release me?
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And they're like, [belches] okay.
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But Radu's gonna stay here if that's cool.
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And Radu's like, yeah, I love it here.
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So, um, he rides to Wallachia,
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kicks down the door, and he's like,
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you ain't gonna take away our freedoms.
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[giggles] [loud thud]
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- Ohh. Watch that head.
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- Oww.
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Anyway. He's like, sweet.
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I'm pretty much prince of Wallachia.
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Let's have a partaaay!
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And he invites all these boyars.
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He's like, guys, let's [bleep] bury the hatchet.
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I know you killed my father. That's fine.
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You don't worry-- but don't worry about it.
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You killed my dad. That's okay.
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So the boyars are like,
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we'll [bleep] do whatever you feel like is good.
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They like, drink and have a great time.
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Uh... [giggles]
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And then they're gonna leave, and they're like,
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great, thank you so much, but we had such a great time.
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We're gonna head out.
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And Vlad's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Shut the doors.
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[doors slamming]
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All the boyars are like, wait, what?
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So, Vlad's like, you know what I'm gonna do?
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I'm gonna take a stake that's like sharpened
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almost to a point-- kind of.
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Not to a point. A little rounded.
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And I'm gonna shove it up your butthole.
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And then I'm gonna, like, go into your esophagus,
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and then I'm gonna stick it out your mouth.
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[whispers] I'm going to impale you.
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And he does that to 200 boyars.
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It's... [laughs]
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It's [bleep] sadistic.
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And he impaled [bleep] 200 boyars.
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In his court in... [talking gibberish, laughing]
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Vlad is like, call me Dracula.
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So, he's, like, going around doing this to everybody.
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He's like, you, you look like you're an adulterer.
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You, you look like you're lazy.
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You, you look like you're a thief!
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I'm gonna impale all of you!
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And he impales them.
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And he burns the whole [bleep] town to the ground.
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And there's a German monk there and he's like,
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[German accent] oh, mein Gott!
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He's dipping his bread in the blood of his victims!
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Und he's eating it!
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[normal voice] That's a vampire.
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He instorters... He instorters?
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He ins...he... - [sniggers]
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- Instills order in Wallachia.
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So, Memed is like,
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your brother wants to be called "Dracula."
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And Radu's like, [laughs] Dracula?
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That just means, like, son of Dracul
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which we both are.
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That's lame.
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And Memed's like,
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we should definitely attack Vlad
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because Vlad's being a super dick.
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So, Memed crosses into Wallachia
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with these, like, 60,000 troops
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and Dracula's like,
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I get it. I'm outnumbered.
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So, I'm gonna retreat,
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but what I want you guys to do--
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my colonels and lieutenants and generals and shit--
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I want you to burn [whispers] everything!
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And they're like, all right, but we're, like,
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[bleep] up our own land.
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And he's like, yes!
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[whispers] Destroy Wallachia...
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Vallachia.
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So, they do it.
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And they [bleep] up everything.